It’s the Taming of the Tights eve and it’s like being in a mad washing machine at Dother Hall: people racing around in costumes, cutout trees being carted about, doors dropping off. Practically everything is broken because Bob spends all his time rehearsing with The Iron Pies. The only constant thing is that Dr. Lightowler is looking madder by the minute.
I said to Vaisey, “Ooh, look, Dr. Lightowler has made a nest in the dance studio.” And Vaisey actually looked up to the rafters.
It was hard to get to sleep that night because I know Charlie will be back tomorrow.
The Taming of the Tights
IT’S ACTUALLY HERE. THE Big Night Out in the Woods. The Woolfe boys have been out in the woods, setting up for tonight. There are going to be specially lit areas and a bonfire. There’s logs as seats around the fire for everyone to sit on and The Blind Pig has provided pies, peas, and punch. Everyone is due to arrive at six thirty when it will be nice and dark.
Bob has made fire torches to light people’s way through the woods to the bonfire. Jo said, “I helped him make them, so I think if we call the fire brigade nice and early, perhaps about five forty-five, there’s a good chance that some of the forest can be saved.”
In the dance studio at five, Monty gave us a pre-performance pep talk. He was very excited.
“This is our chance to show our neighbors the magic of theater and performance. It’s going to be marvelous. A cornucopia of music, dance, love, food. Sidone and I will do our wedding feast dance scene; the lovers united at last. And we have a special little surprise for you.”
We all looked at each other. And Monty tapped his nose.
Flossie said, “He’s not going to wear his pink onesie, is he?”
Monty went on. “Music galore! The Iron Pies. The Jones. Harold Dobbins and his Iron Men’s drumming group. This night is going to be one to remember. No one who sees it will ever forget it.”
We were all excited. But me especially. I would be seeing Charlie again. I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to say to him all week.
I couldn’t imagine what was going to happen next. Normally, I can imagine everything: pantaloons, shrew bands, flouncy shirts, being a shrew. But when I think of actually being Charlie’s girlfriend . . .
We got changed into our costumes in the dorm. Flossie and Jo got togged up in their jesters costumes. Flossie was practicing her juggling and Jo was hitting us with her rubber dumbbells. I was wearing a floor-length purple velvet coat over my green tights. Dibdobs said that the coat had belonged to her great-grandmother. It felt lovely.
Vaisey had helped me with my Kate makeup. She said, “I’m going to do a sort of silvery purple line around your eyes. I think you’ll look really lovely.”
Even Lav, Dav, and Noos wafting about practicing their songs as “The Biancas” couldn’t annoy me.
As we set off to the bonfire I gave my Tree Sisters a big hug. I yelled, “We are all showing our inner glorwee, just as Honey told us to!!! Yaroooo!”
The stars came out early and it was like being in an enchanted forest. The woods were heaving with people. Young and old and Mr. Barraclough. The Iron Pies were there dressed up in Viking horns and long cloaks. Ruby came scampering up with Matilda.
Matilda had her leather cap and a ra-ra skirt on.
Ruby was also wearing a leather cap and a ra-ra skirt.
She said, “Ay up, Tree Sisters!!! There’s some hot totty here tonight. They’re going to be well impressed wi’ me and Matilda’s backing dancing.”
Oh.
More and more people came. They were sitting on the logs and piling into the pies and peas and punch. Bob started testing his drum kit.
I looked at him and said, “I’ve never seen anyone wearing sunglasses at night in November before.”
Flossie said, “You have now.”
It was exciting, but there was no sign of Charlie and our boys.
Then we heard hunting horns and the Woolfe boys came rollicking into the clearing. Hoppy was trying to keep order.
“Boys, boys, don’t let yourselves down. Remember all we have as men are our reputations so we should . . . Oh now, boys . . . is that taken from the kitchen supplies?”
Phil snuck up on Jo and whispered, “It’s a sausage Guy Fawkes. We went on a sausage raid.”
We all started laughing. The sausage man even had dreadlocks made out of sausages. Phil said, “It’s our tribute to your rapping, Lullah.”
I felt proud. What larks!
The only thing missing was Charlie.
I asked Phil where he was and Phil said, “Well, he was at college when I left, sorting out the fire buckets—we’re the fire monitors. Hoppy said we need a more mature attitude to fire.”
I said, “Did Charlie mention me?”
Phil looked at me. “Aaaah, you like him, don’t you?”
I went a bit red but couldn’t help smiling. Jo threw herself onto Phil’s back and made him giddyup as her horsey so I couldn’t ask him anything else. Then Vaisey said, “Oh, they’re here!”
Ruben and Jack walked into the clearing. Jack was carrying a tom-tom drum.
I said to Vaisey, “Vaisey, please for once will you not tell me about Jack’s new sticks? I’m feeling a bit nervous.”
Vaisey said, “No, he’s gone native tonight. . . . He’s stickless. . . . He’s going to use his hands. He’s got lovely hands.”
There was no sign of Seth or Cain, which was an enormous relief. I hadn’t been able to think about what it would be like for Cain and Charlie to be in the same place. I couldn’t help remembering what had happened last time.
Where was Charlie?
Had he had time to think things over whilst he was tracking wild pigs? Had he thought, do I really want a girlfriend who frightens sheep, has uncontrollable legs, and puts her head in thorn hedges? Or do I want a normal girlfriend?
The festivities began with the lighting of the bonfire. As it burst into flame, Gudrun, in what looked like a knitted elf costume, was dithering on a box in front of the audience. She shouted above the cheering, “Erm, could you all . . . Would you very much mind . . . I don’t think that putting the sausage man on the bonfire is very sensible. . . . Boys! Oh dear. . . . Anyway . . . I . . .”
Eventually Mr. Barraclough shouted, with a pie in each hand, “Shut it, lads, I’ve got an announcement. Our thespian friends are about to prance around like fools for our entertainment.”
And Gudrun said, “Yes, yes, thank you. I proudly present our inspirational headmistress, Ms. Sidone Beaver, as Petruchio and our revered theatrical tutor, Monty de Courcy, as Kate, in our own Dother Hall version of the war of the sexes. Lovers reunited at last!”
Everyone shouted and whistled and The Iron Pies played a bit of “The Long and Winding Pie” as Sidone and Monty entered the clearing.
Sidone was wearing a flouncy shirt and breeches and a small beard, and Monty was in a crinoline and curly wig. They hid behind different trees and began a speech from The Taming of the Shrew.
They began uniting the love immediately, which involved a lot of Sidone grasping Monty roughly around the waist and clasping him to her flouncy shirt. Monty looked thrilled.
One of the village lads yelled out, “You lucky, lucky man, she’s GORGEOUS!” Monty held his fan to his face and adjusted his crinoline. His Inner Woman was quite literally bursting out.
At the end of the wedding scene, Sidone trapped Monty against Bob’s drum kit in a final embrace. The audience were cheering and whistling, but Bob shouted, “Cool your boots, dudes!” And leapt out to protect his kit.
The lads from The Blind Pig practically fell over they were laughing so much as Sidone and Monty bowed for about ten minutes.
I was laughing with my Tree Sisters. Still no sign of Charlie.
Then The Jones, well, Ruben and Jack, joined in with The Iron Pies for “Sky-pie” and “From Russia with Pies.” Matilda’s backing dancing was . . . er . . . mostly Ruby moving Matilda’s front legs to the rhythm. The ra-ra
skirts and caps looked nice, though.
Then there was a fashion show of day-to-evening foraging wear, featuring the leaf-hat parade modeled by the Little Foragers Club and the fir-cone earrings and conker wear modeled by Dibdobs and the Blubberhouses Large Ladies Who Pole Dance for Fun Society. Harold made a guest appearance in a pair of moss trousers, which clearly weren’t going to last the night.
In between acts, Flossie and Jo as the jesters entertained the crowd with tights juggling and random acts of violence. Jo caught Mr. Legge a glancing blow with her rubber dumbbells. And knocked him into the sheep-poo sculptures.
And then it was time for me and Vaisey to do our Shrew Rap battle.
As we waited to go on, I said to Vaisey, “Charlie’s still not here. I really wanted him to see me do something good.”
Vaisey squeezed my hand. And then we were on.
Dr. Lightowler came out of the shadows to watch. Bob and Jack started a beat on the same drums.
Flossie shouted, “Here’s hard man Petruchio!”
Vaisey swaggered about in her tights and mustache. She was quite scary for someone who is actually a very nice person. The crowd whooped.
Then Jo shouted, “Here’s Queen of Hate, Kate!”
And I stamped on and clicked my fingers in Petruchio’s face. The crowd started clapping along with the beat.
The rap battle began. Vaisey rapped:
Listen up, sister Kate
Before it too late
You no Queen
You mean
Uh-huh
Too true
You got a face like a shrew.
And she slapped my face. Quite hard.
At the end, I was a bit annoyed that Vaisey’s Inner Man had probably left a hand-shaped mark on my shoulder. So I gave it my all.
I stalked around moodily, looking at the crowd. Kissing my teeth and pointing at random people.
Including Dr. Lightowler.
I even kicked Bob’s drums. He came and stood in front of them. I put my hands on my hips and began my Kate rap:
Me a shrew?
Get you!
Call yourself Petruchio
You is just a joke-io
Clear off unless you want a poke-io
Peace
Rastafari
Yo.
Then Jack started playing a hiddly diddly on the drums. My knees couldn’t resist so I flung aside my coat and released my legs.
The spontaneous Irish dancing was a huge hit with the crowd. Everyone was whooping and cheering and we had to take three bows.
Blaise was jumping up and down and Sidone said to me, “Being funny is the hardest thing. Listen to your golden slippers of applause. I’ve always said there’s something really, really unusual about you, Tallulah.”
I’m a star, I’m a star!!! I’m a . . .
Seth stepped into the light from out of the trees. He went straight over to Flossie who was talking to Ben. Seth tapped Ben on the shoulder and said, “Here’s ten pence, young lad. Go and get yourself a sausage.”
And then he got hold of Flossie and snogged her so much the bells on her jester’s hat started ringing. The Woolfe sports master came up and tapped Seth on the shoulder, saying, “Now then, young man, none of that business here.”
Seth stopped kissing Flossie and got another ten pence out of his pocket. “Get yourself a sausage as well, little lad.”
Amazing.
The Bottomly sisters turned up and evilled by as they headed for the pies and peas stall. Then Cain appeared. All in black. He glanced at me. And winked. How dare he!!
Beverley turned back to talk to him but then a minute later she ran off crying into the woods.
Jack and Ruben started the “I’m Your Darkest Nightmare but It’s Me You Want” song. Seth slapped Flossie on the bum and went and got his guitar and joined in the rhythm. Bob handed Cain a mike and he started singing.
Bad luck and trouble
Are my middle name
If you were me, you would be the same
Hey now, baby, why dun’t you come with me
I want to show you how very bad I can be.
I’m not listening to this anymore. I turned away and there was Charlie.
He said, “Hello, Tallulah.”
I said, “Hello, Charlie.”
I felt shy. I didn’t know what to say.
Charlie said, “This is nice.” Then he looked down. “You, me, and your knees.”
That did make me laugh. The Jones were still playing but I didn’t notice. I was so glad Charlie was here.
Charlie said, “Sorry I wasn’t here earlier. Did I miss your rap battle?”
I said, “Yeah, I got the golden slippers of applause.”
Charlie stroked his hand through my hair, then said, “Oh, hang on, there’s nothing sharp in here, is there?” And we both laughed.
As we did, the music crashed to a halt. Cain shouted at the crowd. “Settle down, I’ve got summat to show thee. I’ve trained some birds for the party. Because, as you know, I’m good with birds. . . .”
And he looked up from underneath his eyelashes at me and Charlie. I looked away.
Mr. Barraclough shouted, “Come on then, Cain . . . show us your bird trick!”
Cain made a clicking sound, and when I looked up Little Lullah swooped from the darkness down onto his head! Cain made another click and Little Ruby appeared and hopped onto his shoulder.
Ruby shouted, “Halloooo, owlets!”
Cain clicked again and Little Lullah hopped onto his other shoulder. The two owlets started nibbling his ears. Not pecking him. It looked like they were kissing his ears.
Cain said, “You see, ladies and gentlemen, birds like to do what I tell them.”
And he looked slyly across at me.
I looked up at Charlie but I couldn’t read his expression. He just had his arms folded, watching.
Cain clicked at the owlets again and they swooped onto Mr. Barraclough’s horns. People applauded. Mr. Barraclough said, “Bloody hell, I hope there are no unfortunate toilet accidents on my new horns.”
It was really wild being in the middle of the wood with the fire burning and the owlets preening and puffing themselves up.
Cain bent down to a bag he had placed at his feet and took something out. He said, “They say we know nowt about art in Heckmondwhite, that we’re savages. But tonight I give you Yorkshire’s version of The Taming of the Shrews.”
A few people clapped. He opened his hands. Vaisey said, “Aaah, look, he’s got two little shrews!”
Cain smiled and said, “Reight cute, aren’t they? Let’s let ’em free.” He dropped them on the floor and the shrews started scuttling off.
Cain clicked his tongue. Little Lullah and Ruby flashed down from Mr. Barraclough’s horns and onto the shrews, caught them in their talons, and swooped off into the forest.
Cain smiled his dark smile and bowed. Half of the crowd clapped.
Charlie said, “That bloke is an idiot.”
As he said that, there was a massive explosion from the bonfire. We looked around to see flaming bits of sausage hurtling through the air. Charlie said, “Oh God, it’s the sausage man!” And dashed off towards the bonfire. Everyone, including the Tree Sisters, went to see what was happening.
Then I heard Cain’s voice behind me. “All right, lanky lass, enjoying the show?”
I turned round. I was shaking. I said, “You horrible murderer.”
Cain said, “Me? I think you’ll have to speak to the owlets about that.”
I didn’t mean to but I was so shocked I started to cry.
Cain said, “Stop carrying on. Come away with me a bit.”
I don’t know why but I followed him. He said, “So what’s wrong with you?”
I said, “You’re so brutal. . . . Everything you do is so cruel. . . .”
He said, “Is it? Mebbe I understand more than you think. Them owlets that you love so much—they’re not pets. They dun’t eat salad. They eat meec
e and shrews and grubs. That’s their nature. They’re wild.”
I couldn’t speak to him.
He went on. “And why should I care what you think? I know you hate me. I overheard you and Garyboy talking about me in the barn.”
It had been him. The noise Charlie and I had heard.
Oh.
“But for all that, you and I know there’s summat between us. I want to kiss you and you want to kiss me.” Cain pulled me to him suddenly. And as he looked at me with his dark wild eyes he brought his mouth down on mine.
But the Dark Black Crow of Heckmondwhite doesn’t know what I want.
I pulled free and stepped away.
When I got back, the bonfire was under control. Charlie was talking to Phil. He saw me and smiled. His lovely Charlie smile.
I smiled back. This was my dream come true.
Or a sort of nightmare really because by now most people were eating sausages and dancing to The Iron Pies. And wearing leaf hats.
Charlie came over and took my hand. And we walked to the Tree Sisters Special Tree. Charlie let go of my hand and leaned against it. “This is where it all began, didn’t it? I sort of knew when I first saw you that . . .”
He looked into my eyes and said, “Come here.”
He pulled me closer and got hold of the lapels of my velvet coat. He was taller than me and as he slightly lifted me up I stood on my tippy toes. My mouth was very near his. He said softly, “Don’t be worried. You’ll see, Lullah, this’ll be good between us.”
Then he actually picked me up so I was looking down at him.
He smiled. “Hello there. I’ve thought about this a lot. About doing this.”
And he let me down slowly, until our lips touched.
He brushed my lips softly with his. I shut my eyes and felt the lovely softness. It was like being half asleep and yet really alive. He started kissing me and let me down to the ground. Then he put his hands on the base of my spine. And I couldn’t help it, my mind said, Yep, that’s the right place to put hands, just above the sticky-out bit.