I plant my umbrella above my head, like a day at the beach. The snow falls harder as time passes. I stare up at the white clouds, closing my eyes dreaming of happier memories and better days. Drifting back to that day, the day they buried both Winter Magnolia Moion and Chatt Taylor Thurgood.
I stare down into the dirt that now covers their caskets. I tightly grip my yellow umbrella; Winter had got it for me for my 16th birthday. She said yellow is a happy color, so whenever you use it, you will have to be happy. This called for a special occasion. I can hear a familiar voice behind me, protesting why her daughter is buried next to some boy.
"He isn't some guy." I hollered back, concentrating on the sun warming my black dress.
"Hello Autumn Jazmine." Her voice has aged as I turn I see her physicality has also aged. I am the mirror image of her, which makes me emotionally ill.
"Good afternoon, Josephine." I acted polite, just like she taught me. I haven't talked to her in months. The vision of her murky I had not seen her since the day she left. Absence of the years doing wonders for myself.
"My, you are looking very beautiful these..."
"Stop!" I say putting a hand in the air, halting her words.
"Can you not accept a compliment when given one? Especially since you look as beautiful as I do." She smiled flattering herself.
"25 years ago, maybe." Correction with a grin.
"Be very grateful you even look like as I do. Maybe you would want to pose with me. We could do a mother and daughter modeling cover. Too bad Winter, didn't have my genes." She straightened her shoulders, professing that she was better than me and always would be. She is so heartless, with dark black eyes, I hated her. I went in for the kill.
"Too bad? She was surely the lucky one. I guarantee you that. She was more beautiful then you could ever be. Why would I want to look like you, anyway? You left your husband for a modeling career and a younger guy who probably can't spell your first name. You abandoned your children before they were able to speak for themselves." I stood a little closer to her then I was comfortable in her space.
"I would rather look like a rotten potato, than stare into a mirror than see your face staring back at me." I can see Jenks out of the corner of my eye; he glances at me as he talks with his buddies. I wonder why he is here, I only saw him hanging out with Chatt a couple of times. Maybe he felt he should come and be supportive since he picked me up that night. But, as my voice got stronger he got closer to me.
"I didn't come all this way to put up with your crude humor young girl." She tapped her foot, I hated her feet.
"Well why did you come at all, mother?" The word mother, felt diseased coming forth. Not caring about her answer I turned around to face their graves.
"I just came to say, I am sorry to hear about your sister, Autumn." She lifts her hand to touch my warm shoulder. Polite in a stranger kind of way. She aggravates me to too many points. I turn around to put her in her place. Jenks is only a few steps away, eavesdropping?
"You are freaking unbelievable! She is your daughter, Josephine. You remember her? Your first born!" I glare down into the emptiness of her eyes.
"Listen, little AJ. I don't have to take this from you." Her hands on hips, showing me whose boss.
"I am not your little girl anymore. Your daughter just died and you have no remorse. You have no pain or guilt in your stupid made up eyes. You only came because you somehow thought it would put you on someone’s good graces. Because, for one minute you wanted to feel angelic again. Well there isn't anybody here to impress, so go! You are helping no one being here." My voice slowed down, remembering the reason I was standing in a cemetery in the first place. I shift to turn my back; the action should look familiar to her.
"I don't know what your problem is, Autumn Jazmine, but you could act a little happier to see your mother after all these years." She can't be serious. She was serious.
"Whose fault is that? How could I be happy to see someone I don't even know!" I was shouting, faces turning our way. Josephine blushes. Jenks stepped in-between us as my father headed our way.
"Is everything okay here, AJ?" I rolled my eyes as if this was his concern. Josephine took interest.
"Oh, and who is this lovely young man?" Her eyes widen, in that way when she liked something.
"This is Jenks, mother. Is there any other stupid questions you want answered?" I could tell by her posture I was being an annoyance and by the sound of my voice I was more of a pester. Jenks put out a hand for her.
"Nice to meet you, Ma’am."
"Nice to meet you as well, you can call me Josie." She smiled a little too flirty for her age.
"Alright, Josie." Humoring her, he said that silly pet name.
"I don't recall you ever telling me about this handsome man, Autumn Jazmine." She grinned with her Botox face, putting out her plump chest a little more.
"How could I tell you about anything? Your attendance record isn’t exactly star worthy." I shrug my shoulders as if it was nothing.
"Oh, please forgive my daughter, Jenks. I promise you I am not as awful as she claims I am." She half laughs with charm.
"She's right. This is my mother Josephine." I was all about to expose everything she was.
"Autumn Jazmine, don't." My dad was standing by me.
"Hello, Bernard." Josephine annoyed by the interruption.
"Josephine." He nodded his head; they exchanged glances, awkward air set in.
"As I was saying, this is my mother, Josephine. She abandoned me when I was four years old, for younger...we're all adults here, let’s just say it for sex." I smiled in the truth, her lips puckered. She rolled her eyes as I made correct assumptions.
"She walked out our front door telling us that she didn't want us. That we were all a mistake to her, that we had no place in her heart. Because, there were better things out there, than having a family. Right, Josie? Did I leave anything out?" I spoke confidently, but inside the memory was tearing me down, bringing voices to sad tones. I turned around quickly back to the graves that laid before me, not letting them see the tears roll down my soft pink cheeks. Jenks was at my side holding onto the shivers of my hand.
"Please go, Josephine. You are no longer part of this family. You gave up all rights to be sorrowful a long time ago." He stood with courage and might; he wasn't going to forgive her.
"She needs me, Bernard. Who is she supposed to cry to and talk to, if not her mother?" She cries out, giving herself far too much credit.
"I don't need you..." I pondered everything Winter had told me about my mother. She would tell me our mother loved us, but she was going to be gone for a little while. It was only later that I found out she was never coming back for us, ever, until now.
"I need her." I trail off in my thoughts as my father pushes her away to the tuxedo black vehicle of the day. Leaving her in such a disappointing awe.
I come back to now. The non-fantasy present playing around the outside of my head. With a tap on my shoulder I find my father standing to the side of me staring down at Winter's grave. We sat there in silence.
"Autumn Jazmine, I miss her." He whispered to me.
"I know. Me too." I stared at him for a second or two then turned my attention back to the passing clouds.
"Did they love each other?" He asked not knowing the answer.
"Tremendous in measure. They always did." I closed my eyes thinking back to good memories.
"Happy Birthday, Winter Angel." He places her favorite flowers beside my head. Close enough that I could smell the Jasmine flowing off them. As if to make amends to both of them. He starts to walk off.
"See you back at the house, Jaz." He tossed me a candy bar and went on his way.
Fighting isn’t love. It was a simple truth, a simple truth that we all neglected to listen too. Therapists told us time and time again countless years of mentoring us into what respectable citizens our father deemed appropriate. It stood solo, like an island swaying through the waves of ti
me, awaiting discovery. By infinite routine of exploration I claimed, Land Ho!
Sleep over with Forever
37
My father was away on business. Jenkins’ parents were in China. So we were allowed to stay together, at my house. Apologies were made as he confided in me he lost track of time helping his parents pack away their gear for their expedition. He was on the computer as I wrote down more words, giving into the endless dictionary I had become. Noticing the time on the clock that I had been staring at the same word for half an hour. Jenks gets up and kisses me as he tells me he forgot some homework at his house. After he has gone, I linger throughout the halls of the house and without warning I find myself stuck in front of her door.
W.M. hangs on the outside of the door.
Without hesitation, I grasp the knob, turn it and push it open. I stand frozen wanting to go back in time. There was her bed, perfectly made. Her clothes hung in color code. Art magazines perfectly stacked in a pile on her desk, just like she left them.
The memories drown me, before I can repulse their images. We were sitting on her flower rug she used to cover up after I spilled my chocolate milk. I was 13, and she was 15. She sat there telling me how much she liked a new boy at school, Chatt. A board hung above her desk as she pasted her dreams upon it. Promotions on how important it was that you place your goals and wishes in front of you.
The burn mark laid flat against the wall, when I threatened to burn the house down if she didn't tell me who she had her first kiss with. Of course it was Chatt, but still I wanted to hear it. In the corner of her room a chair sat silent, not wanting to disturb the flow of the area.
The chair that I had sat down on when I came in crying, when my father first told me I would never be as smart as she was. Memories flooded and I wanted to rip myself from them, give them to someone else, so I could feel free.
I laid my sorrowful head down, literally making the pillows beside me sigh.
Jenks called as the lightening outside began. I didn't bother to notice either of them. I let myself be swallowed in the hating voice sinking into my heart.
Goodnight Winter.
I get up hours later to find Jenks with his arm wrapped around me. Thunder was cracking outside; it was almost 4:30 a.m. I open my blinds to the darkness of the early morning. I ache for a cleanse, the raindrops falling onto my skin. I scatter to the outdoors, screaming and jumping with joy.
"What is going on?"
"A storm." I hustle outside to feel water circle me round. Relief grows inside me and tears cease to drop with the rain. I spring my hands up in the air, acclaiming hallelujah. Dancing around, waving my arms wildly, just to let loose for a while. Just to be me for a while.
"AUTUMN! What are you doing out in the pouring rain? You are going to get soaked!" Jenks frantic and yells from the porch.
"That's the idea! I'm letting loose, letting go. Come out here." I motioned him over.
"You're crazy, AJ!" He stands in the cold watching me act like the imperfect fool I loved to be.
"I know isn't it great? I'm not coming inside until you come out here." I turn around again and wave my hands higher.
"Fine!” After a couple moments of uncertainty he is right beside me taking a hold of me softly; looking into his blue eyes we have the same idea. He holds my hands as we slow dance to the music of the thunder and to the spark of the lightning. I loved the shape the storm established.
Family Affair
38
The porch is frosting over. Wind chilling over my fading smile. Snowflakes fall and there is no end to this winter. I hear the kids playing and their laughter bouncing off the snow men. My Aunts and Uncles are up and they brought every kid on the planet they’ve made with them. I start to head back inside for the warmth of a heater. I lock myself away, when a knock on my door appears. My cousin, who looks horribly like my aunts, grandmother, and sister...
"Here will you take him for a little while? I need some space!" Before I can protest, there laid in my arms little baby Drem. His eyes all amazed like he had never seen dark hair before, or brown eyes.
"Little baby Drem, I guess your mother never takes you outside, now does she?" His eyes grew one size more. I placed myself on the stairs, awaiting for her to come back. At least wishing she would come back, hopefully. His hands were chubby as I tried to make him smile. He jiggled and wiggled, his laugh enormous.
"You know Drem, you are an okay baby. Your name sounds like dread. I wonder why your mother didn’t name you something cool, like thunder!" He opened his mouth wide in surprise, hurray for babies.
He just pooped his pants!
"Oh goody! Let's go find your mommy Thunder boy." I lifted him up only to notice he gained an extra twenty pounds.
"Has anyone seen baby Drem's mom?" Eyes set on me; yep I'm holding a baby. Enjoy the spectacle while it lasts ladies and gentleman.
"He smells like he went a couple times in his pants!” Cousins shrug. Aunts and uncles laugh mockingly.
"Well, I think she left and Drem's dad isn't around. So I guess you’re stuck with him for the night!" Grandma Joanne speaks up.
"No, I can't take care of a baby! Seriously, no way!" I put him out in front of me no takers. He is just like me in this moment, I think. All alone, nobody willing to take me, no one even caring about what happens to me. He looked at me, with those baby eyes, saying it was okay he had been through this before. I cradled him, tightly in my arms, stink and all.
"I'll have you..." I whisper in his ear.
"Good then it's settled, the triplets will sleep in our room and you can have the baby crib in your room, Autumn." Joanne patted my back like she had done so many times before. "Oh here Autumn." She threw his diaper bag at me.
"Thanks Joanne."
"It's Grandma Joanne." My grandmother corrected.
"Sure it is." Shaking my head, walking away with a baby I just met. I took 7 months old, Drem to my room. A baby who was just like me. No one to care for him except himself.
Jenkins texted and said he would be over later that night. I held Drem in my arms as we both slipped off into the vague clouds of our subconscious.
We were solitary solders amongst the battle field of companionship.
The halls filled with my father’s side of the family. Turns out that you can really not connected with your family members, no matter how thick your blood runs together.
They all had fancy cars. Long names of the category of riches they owned. It was a strange thing I started seeing as the relatives pilfered through each carton of milk, each box of necessary food supply. Ole padre being the youngest and most of his wealth going to his mirage of a Juliette. Not by force I might add, clearly by the infatuation he clearly still was engulfing in her charm.
They are all decorated with the same features. Their heads all lined with thin blonde hair and blue aweing eyes. The sculpture in their faces surprising even models. Drem, have identical attributes as Winter’s and my father’s. It was a notable character they had in their faces. One I realize as I touch my own face that it was an idiosyncratic I didn’t display. Josephine’s format all prescribed to my being and not that of my father’s.
Overbearing is Underachieving
39
I just finished making dinner. The holidays had passed. Confused on where I stood with them. Tired from the long weekend with the family. Start going through the motions of cleanliness. The house cleaned, my hair trimmed, my nails almost painted when I hear a car pull up. I thought maybe Jenkins was coming as a surprise. But, as I looked out the window I found myself stricken with more than just surprise.
"Dad, there is a limo outside!" I yelled upstairs to his room. I heard him stirring, running to a window. It was near Valentine’s Day and Josephine contacted me more heavily than specific occasions.
"I'm going to be in the basement. Bring dinner down to me after she leaves. Tell her I'm gone." He rushes past me nearly
knocking me off my feet.
"What am I supposed to say to her? I don't want to see her either. Let alone talk to that crazy woman." Shout to the absent air he stood in seconds ago. I stare out the window to find her stepping out of the car, hand in hand with a guy who looked a year or two older than me.
"Yum!" I whisper to myself. I hurry and pull out my phone. I text Jenks, EMERGENCY, come quick. I barely hit send, when the doorbell rings.
"AJ! The door!" My father screams from downstairs. I open it with a smile, my red apron still hanging from my neck.
"Yes?" As if there were strangers in front of me.
"Oh, cut the attitude Autumn Jazmine. I am here to take you out. Now go and get ready." She waved me off. I stood there motionless, it had been a couple weeks since her last appearance, and I had not been home thank goodness.
"Well, we don't have all day. Aren't you going to invite us in?" I did not move. She was such a princess, not a queen. Her boyfriend shifted his weight shrugging like this happened every day to him.
"I already made dinner plans." I spilled out, probably confessing too much.
"Yeah, right? Like you could ever cook. Everything you made was appalling." She laughed at her own humor.
"I was four, Josephine."
"Well, I'm sure things haven't changed that much. We will wait in the car, it is probably more comfortable then this house. I will give you 15 minutes and please do something with that wretched hair." Her face made a disgusted look as if we were all scum underneath her. Jenks just pulled up and he was running to the door, past my mother who gave him flirting look.