Page 41
I nod, hugging my arms around myself. “Yeah, he’s not worth it. ”
Ethan firmly holds my gaze as he steps to the side of the door and toward the couch, leaving a tiny bit of space for Parker to squeeze through. “Fine, but I’m letting you walk out of here bruise free only because of her. ” He nods his head in my direction as he glares at Parker.
Parker narrows his eyes at Ethan but doesn’t say anything as he turns sideways and squeezes between Ethan and the doorway. Every muscle in Ethan’s body tenses, his knuckles whitening as he tightly grips the handle of the hammer, and I can tell it’s really hard for him to let Parker walk out of here.
When Parker steps outside, he pretty much takes off running, and Ethan kicks the door shut hard, like he’s locking out the bad by doing it. He turns around and faces me, tossing the hammer aside, then leans back against it with his arms crossed.
“So what really happened?” He studies me intently, taking in every square inch of my body, and it makes my skin ignite. His gaze lingers on my cheek and I know he’s wondering: Did he hit you? It makes my skin even hotter, because I can see in his eyes that he cares.
It’s a minor sensation, the slightest bit of heat in all the right places, but it’s enough to make me notice the difference between the way I feel around Ethan and the way I felt with Parker. Around Parker my skin was chilled like ice, basically numb. It’s the sensation that I’ve felt with most of the guys I remember hooking up with.
“It’s a long, stupid story like most of my life is. ” I sink down on the edge of the coffee table and place my hands on my lap, focusing on them instead of Ethan because I do feel ashamed of what just happened—what he just saw—because it’s not the first time I’ve been in that kind of a situation and it’s my own fault it happened. “He came to collect my debt for the pill I stole. I said I’d pay him, but since I’d promised at his house that I’d fuck him for one, that’s the payment he wanted. So he… well, what you saw. ”
The muscles of his arms flex and his jaw is taut. “You say that like it’s no big deal. ”
I shrug, examining my fingernails, once again feeling like he’s seeing the real, rare sight of me that I’m so used to keeping hidden from people. “It’s not anything I haven’t had to deal with before. You know that… you know what I’m like. ”
Shaking his head, Ethan walks over in front of me and kneels down, splaying his hand on top of my thighs. His skin is seductively hot, yet comforting. “Would you stop thinking about yourself like that? So you screwed some guys. So fucking what? People have sex and that doesn’t make you a slut. And it sure as hell doesn’t give rich douche bags an excuse to rape you or make you do anything you don’t want to do. ”
“He wouldn’t have raped me,” I say, with my chin tucked down. “I would have given in before it became rape. ”
He frowns, his face reddening with anger. He huffs out a breath and then cups my face between his hands. “Don’t ever say that again. If a girl says no even once then a guy should stop. Hell, if she shows a single sign of not wanting it, the guy should stop. You should never, ever have to have sex with a guy when you don’t want to. ”
Tell that to the many guys I’ve been with throughout my life. “Okay. ”
His frown deepens. “Lila Summers, where is that perky girl I first met?”
“I think she died at some point. ”
“So bring her back. ”
I sigh, discouraged. “I can’t. She takes too much energy and pills. And honestly, I’m not sure I want to be her anymore. ”
“And that’s fine. Be whoever you want to be, but please, please stop thinking so poorly of yourself. You barely even smile anymore and I… I fucking miss it. ” He gives me an adorable, lopsided grin. “You have a very beautiful smile. ”
I’m not even sure what overtakes me. His words. The bluntly, beautiful, realistic moment. Or if it’s just him. Whatever it is, I quickly lean forward, letting my emotions drive me to him, which is a first for me. I press my lips to his and it’s amazing. Undiluted. And I feel it all, from the way my heart rate accelerates to the swift flow of my blood rushing to my head, the heat of our contact, the soft, wetness of his lips.
I’ve kissed more guys than I can count, but the emotions freed in this kiss are new because there’s real emotion behind it. Even though I was having a hard time deciphering it earlier, because I’m pretty sure I’ve never felt love toward anyone ever, or been on the reciprocating end of it, I realize now what this is.
Love. I’m completely, one hundred percent, truly in love with Ethan.
Ethan
It took a lot of energy not to slam my fist into Parker’s face. I wanted to really, really badly. I remember a couple of times when I walked in on my dad beating the shit out of my mom. My dad used to be a fairly big guy, with bulky arms and a really thick neck, but he looked so pathetic as he shoved my mom down to the ground and then backhanded her across the face.
One moment in particular always sticks out in my mind because it was the first day I realized how bad things were between them.
I’d just gotten home from school, a little earlier than usual, and I let my bag fall to the kitchen floor as I took in the sight of my mom cowering on the ground and my dad raising his hand to slap her. “Dad, stop!” I didn’t even think. I just ran up to my mom, ready to protect her.
“Ethan, stop!” she cried back right as my dad swung his arm around without even looking and struck me across the face.
He hadn’t hit me since I was eight, so it kind of took me off guard a little, although I wasn’t that surprised. That’s the funny thing about being beaten by someone who’s supposed to love you. It’s hard to see how wrong it is, because the idea of love can be blinding. Which is exactly what happened to my mother.
She got up from the floor and hurried over to me as I cradled my cheek with my hand. “Ethan, what are you doing here? School isn’t out yet. ”
I peeked up at her, shooting a glare in my dad’s direction as he rubbed his hand. “School got let out early today. I gave you the note on Monday. ”
“Oh yeah. ” There were tears running down her face and her cheek was inflamed. She looked a little lost for a minute and then she patted me on the shoulder. “Go do your homework in your room. ”
I glanced at my father, who looked remorseful. He always did, though. It was like he’d get caught up in the heat of the moment and turn into a monster, his eyes glazed over with rage. When it was all over, he was always sorry and kept telling everyone that over and over again.
“Maybe I should stay out here with you,” I told my mom, wishing I was big enough that I could actually hurt my dad back for her.
My mom shook her head and ruffled my hair, like everything was okay. Like none of this was messed up. Like her face wasn’t swelling, or all the kitchen chairs weren’t tipped over, or the veins in my dad’s neck weren’t bulging. “Ethan, go to your room and do your homework. Everything is fine. ”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and collected my backpack, swinging it over my shoulder. They both watched me as I headed to the doorway and the entire situation felt wrong. I felt confused, afraid, and terrified, yet I couldn’t figure out why.
I glanced over my shoulder when I reached the doorway, looking back at them. “Are you sure, Mom?” It felt like leaving wasn’t the right thing, yet I couldn’t figure out what else to do.
“Ethan, your mother’s fine,” my father replied. “And I’m really sorry that I accidentally hit you… I didn’t realize you were there. ”
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Always sorry. I nodded and left the room, locking myself in my bedroom. A few minutes later they started yelling at each other and I cranked up the music to drown them out.
Walking in on Lila and Parker, I felt the same kind of fear and fury that I did when I was younger. The sight of it—the control he had over her—rammed me hard in the stomach. Yet,
unlike when I was a kid, I knew I could kick Parker’s ass. And I wanted to so much I could feel it raging through my bloodstream. I wanted to beat him so hard he couldn’t see straight. A flood of emotions rushed through me and not only was I pissed that he was making a girl do something she obviously didn’t want to do, but he was making my Lila do something she didn’t want to do. And as soon as I saw it—felt it—I knew that whatever I’d been trying to deny was going on between us was obviously something I couldn’t run away from. But I’m worried because the amount of anger in my body matches the amount of anger I’ve seen in my dad’s eyes.
The rage continues to amplify, burning inside my chest until suddenly and completely unexpectedly, Lila kisses me. And that kiss, the single touch of our lips, the slight elevation of heat in my body, the flood of mixed emotions, erases my anger and changes my life despite the fact that I don’t know if I want it to.
I don’t react right away, partially from shock and partially because I’m afraid. My mother and father’s turbulent relationship is fresh in my head and so is the fear of turning out like them. This isn’t just about sex. There is so much more to it than that. We have a connection. We have since the day we met. I just refused to feel it, but now it’s forcing its way on me, controlling, owning me—she controls and owns me—which means I’m dependent on her in a lot of ways.
I’m freaking out, but then she starts to pull away and I realize that I don’t want her to, so I open my mouth and sweep my tongue into hers as I cup the back of her head and bring her back to me, all my worries and fears briefly dissipating.
Jesus fucking Christ. This is so different from what I’m used to. I’m both curious and terrified to explore it more. But desire and want push me forward and I comb my fingers through her short blonde hair that’s streaked black. “You changed your hair,” I murmur. “I like it…” I gently tug it back as I explore her mouth further with my tongue, massaging it, caressing it, searching every inch of it.