Just saw a duck in the shape of a cloud.
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@Lord_Kayne: A shotgun will generally have that effect at sufficiently close range.
Finally thinking about getting a computer.
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@jamenta: You’re going to need electricity to your house.
@droctopu5: Start slow with a standalone Pong game, then a Commodore 64, and so on.
@timdyson: Make sure it has an ‘ANY’ key for all those sites that say “hit any key to continue.” Mine doesn’t and it’s so annoying.
@Jo_Crew: Why? Your handwritten tweets are so entertaining!
@DONCARRMAC: Two words, Trail Blazer. Or one word if you own a Chevy.
@grape73: The one you are thinking about getting is now obsolete. Please think about a newer one.
@Jaysunmoore: Gateway to microwaving.
Took Tylenol PM in the morning, and was arrested.
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@RickLeclercq: I once took a shot of nyquil followed by a shot of dayquil. Nothing happened!
@JoeNewberry: I suppose it is only a matter of time before you are listening to AM radio at night…
I’m trying to incorporate more swearing and abuse in my tweets, so why don’t you all go screw into things?
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@DiamondMeadow: How frickin dare you, you!
@jessefuchs: You’re an assbutt.
@MaggieJagger: light bulb changed, what’s next?
@TBlack9JA: hey stevey, how u screwing today??
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Love my new swearing, offensive, mode. Going well around the house, too. Did not know trusting wife knew uppercut.
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@mfaulk79: Wives surprise like that. I was introduced to the flying armbar after testing out your new policy in my home. Help!
@bhurt42: Wait until she demonstrates the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.
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Working on new stand-up act with just swearing, no jokes. Feels right.
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Combining good suggestions from followers for lurid stand-up breakthrough: Jesum-crow, frickin fricky frick.
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@sargent_bosco: I think you should go olde tyme with consarn it, or rassafrackin.
@NGUYENFAN: don’t forget “What the Front Door”
@chelleannbella: try sassafras? Like, kiss my sassafras. And goodness glaciers
@kickingsnow: serendipitydip
@anothersecond: what the muckel fucle are yoose talking about boy !
@Bridgetknapek: My favorites are Cheese and Rice and Holy Mostacholi
@shugus: I’ve also been partial to barn f’narkin.
@shugus: Sweet Haile Selassie!
@Asintope: No nouveau swear fest is complete without the phrase “Scurvy Bar Nuns.” Semantically null but sounds blasphemous as hell.
@ButchRenfroe: bender dabbin sloberdobin lollypop.
@CoolandClear1: sessin butts de frapoodle toodle boole de boogle - I do not know in which tongue I speak I think it is the mad one!
@malvernjon: no NSFW on your tweet. I read it in work. I feel debased. In other words, thank you :-) (you gin clutching sammle flange)
@BradKeene: You’re crossing lines we didn’t know existed.
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Thanks to your suggestions, am working ideal opening line to new scurrilous stand up. Next tweet.
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HELLO, MUCKEL FUCLES. I SEE A LOT SCURVY BAR NUNS HERE TONIGHT. SWEET HAILE SELASSIE, BARN F’NARKIN, MILK-A-WHATS. KISS MY SASSAFRAS.
REPORT FROM MASTERS GOLF: Women not allowed as members because lack of penis as can lead to dangerous imbalance when descending stairs.
HANG ON WHILE I KICK THIS COCAINE ADDICTION…
WOW, THIS IS TAKING LONGER THAN I THOUGHT…
OKAY, THERE.
BREAKING NEWS: made a cell phone call today free of oscillating, underwater sound. I’ll see if it is reflected on my bill.
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@ambientgravy: …WAIT… you’re saying I can make a call with this handheld tweeting machine?
@garyprc: that’s going to cost you extra Dollar meesta
@fallinlove93: Ha ha. Like that would ever happen. You are such a funny man!
ADVICE FOR WRITERS
Advice for writers: If you’re a writer, a real writer, a really, really real writer, like, REALLY a writer, you should not write a sentence like this one.
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Advice for writers: Always and thus be terse and to the point, to the point, to the point.
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Advice for writers: Avoid using the word “unbeleebabull.”
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@RickNOKC60: Concur. That’s as bad as “suposably”.
@AuthorandPoet: unbeweebabaw wook it up
@CindyD1000: oh-tay
@tunester10: I’m writing as we speak and ALMOST used that word. THANK YOU!!
@Soulclaphands: If not unbeleebabull, how about inconceebabull?
@AlmightyEnigma: good advice, like it much. Similar to coinkydink
@urmyhappiness: NOW you tell me. I cannabeelevit
@dbfisokay: thats my novel in the trash can
@lizbethbennet: Then how am I supposed to complete my Mike Tyson biopic?
TWEET POKER
Illegal online tweet Poker: I have a King, a Six, an Ace, a Club and a Jack of deuces. I bet a dollar.
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@JoshJack: I have a 4, 5, 7, jack, and a skip card from UNO. I raise you a monopoly $20!
@REasson92: You sunk my battleship.
@MichaelScottJ: FUCK THIS! You always fucking win! You dick, I am no longer ever playing with you.
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I fold my Ace, raise my King, card-wrench my club to a spade, twitch left little finger, back up to view cards, fall out window.
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@VincentWaller72: Make Vincent laugh
@LAWGDOGG: a joker, a 1 eyed jack, 11 of cups, a 3 of hearts from naked lady deck, raise 87 cents & hit me!
@ChasetheShade: tsk… Steve… shakes head>..why.. did you ‘back up..to view cards… You had ’em..man!
@conan_o_brien: Not cool, @SteveMartinToGo. I lost my wife in an Online Poker accident. RIP BunnyDancer47
@tunester10: So I was going for a Sunday walk and out of nowhere Steve Martin falls on me with cards in his hands
@MrFingerbobs: Your buck and eight cents more you big baby.
Today is National Marijuana Day. A day when… uh… wow, Wolf Blitzer is SO funny.
Just bought sexy new body stocking. In beige. With eyeholes. Currently walking dog in neighborhood. Tinfoil hat looks good, too.
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@Italia_Federici: Copy cat
@AliceJane_92: sexy ended at biege
@thetrhoof: great… but missing the wicker shoes
@dvdmacd: …did you ever stop to consider the dog in all this?
Finally stopped all my junk faxes, but started getting junk Fed-Exes.
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@sarapomish: I’ve been getting spammed by skywriters. I feel your pain.
@_ChrisBallard: watch out for the junk U-Haul
I have decided not to run for president. Have skeleton in closet, which is actual skeleton in actual closet.
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@12SecondHorror: This is really a lot tamer than most politicians’ skeletons. You’d have a real shot on the “I only killed a guy” platform.
Just bought a scythe. Hard inserting into scabbard in one smooth move, but must get it down for audition for “The ScytheMaster.”
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@kevinstangle: and I will be Harvest Boy
@Nicronon: Lose a leg!… Um, I mean, BREAK a leg!
<
br /> @johnstrand: glad to see that the less than stellar box office for The StairMaster didn’t keep you from making a sequel!!
I like my antiques NEW.
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@RichCrossland: then you’re a fan of face lifts.
FROM STEVE’S COMPENDIUM OF STRANGE AND LITTLE KNOWN FACTS: THE BASKETS FOR THE BASKETBALL PLAYOFFS ARE NOT WOVEN BY NAVAJOS.
@QueenHelena78: No fuckin’ way.
@SharonPCarr: Reruns of F-Troop might dispute your findings of “fact”.
@vegassparkyrich: What?!? Aw man….
@PapaV: Several of the baskets used by Navajos were, however, woven by members of the NBA.
@NarrativeArtist: Now I know who NOT to blame for these shitty baskets that don’t hold anything!
@KentCarlson1: Great. Next you’re going to tell us Eskimos don’t make Eskimo Pies.
@PapaV: The NBA is also the #1 producer of knit socks among native nations.
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Idiotic scalpers in Lexington, KY have tickets for my banjo show at $635. I suggest you stick photo of me on broom handle, play record.
I just finished finishing up on a thing I was finishing.
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@Hetfield03: I do dee da chatchie.
@modenaboy: I just didn’t do the thing I wasn’t doing
From Steve’s Book of Strange Facts: As a reminder, the song, “Dem Dry Bones” runs through orthopedic surgeons’ heads before operations.
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@zhandlen: Once woke up mid-surgery, heard doctor singing “The knee bone’s connected to the--dammit. Dammit, dammit, DAMMIT.”
The last thing bin Laden saw coming at him:
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Bin Laden porn videos included “I Can See Your Nose,” and “Is That a Toe I See.”
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@HIflyer: Bin Laden favorite: “Girls Gone Outside”
@64bitchrome: he was into kinky stuff too, like “Girls Learning”
@_chrisbrowning: the lady with the plunging eye slit.
Water falling from sky. Able to ward it off with magic blooming stick.
I’m wasting my time trying to come up with a good tweet, so, out of anger, I’m going to waste your time by having you read this one.
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@majorflip: I read it twice !
@Anonnamus: Joke’s on you. I can’t read.
@Somos05: Ha I didn’t read it
@Doreeski: With all due respect: up yours Mr. Martin.
@zackadamscomedy: You win THIS round, Martin!
Decision to cut down use of exclamation marks going great!!!!! Discussions with college grammar professor highly interesting!!!!!!
Can’t decide if the word “awesome” even needs an exclamation point. Answer: Yes! It becomes even more awesome!!!!!
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@brad9778: I think you were looking for awesomer.
BAD DOG! (sometimes it helps if it comes from someone they’ve seen on TV)
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@QueenSlipstream: OMG, you just made my cat do a ninja double kick with back flip shooter. Say something else and she may do the ironing
@_Pohl: great, my dog was really doing well in therapy… Now he thinks he’s “BAD” again… MARTIN !!!
Steve Martin admits to lying about…. It was on a beach in Florida.
A very good gardener I know just told me my ass is grass. Nice compliment.
Brand new idea for making money: Just copyrighted this word: the©.
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@SusanL10: you’ll make a killing on WTF’s alone ;-)
@JasperSailfin: Where do I send the check? Oops, there I go again.
@everlastinghigh: Wow, you are a very smart man (HA! I don’t owe you money for that sentence!)
@dboii412: the© stupidest thing ever. Oh crap it works
@bigbeatottawa: Clever, but I’ve found a way around le copyright.
@JoshuaZehner: Good luck on the©. My copyright on Himalaya-esk© has yielded surprisingly little. Considering doozy©.
@JohnRBrewster: I copyrighted “like©” and now own most teenage speech Now to just, like, get them a job and, like, make them, like, pay.
@basementnoise: Why stop there? Go for teh to, get the typo money too!
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Descartes owes me too: I think, the©refore, I am.
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@robtee2106: I thought he made maps
Thinking of moving to Alabama because of ease of spelling the state. Only four letters to remember.
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@akmoss: It’s why I moved to Oslo.
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People are telling me Ohio only has three letters to remember, but I count five. O, H, I, HI, and HI-HO. Please, get with the program.
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@BlueLineTSCM: Alabama=easy; kind of like pointing to the food you want on a waffle house menu.
@Reynoldsbon: How about Iowa? You probably don’t even realize you’re saying the name of the state when you do a long yawn.
@wxlvr: …Come on down, we’d be glad to have you in Ablamala… Aw, crap….
@nhalejenkins: i think you’d also have to spend less time on personal grooming and learning.
@dandelions8910: Also it’s always first on those pick your state drop down menus.
@e_phone_user: only need 3 for Ohio. Save 33% off Alabama.
@neiltwit: And Alabama spelled backwards is Alabama! Give or take.
@turner207: Maine may not be the easiest to spell, but it’s the fastest to say. That’s also important.
@robynl1230: But the sequence! The darn tootin’ sequence!
Trying to get my new nickname to catch on: “The Elegant Argentinean.”
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@thevastydeep: Assume “Corky the Goat Herd” was taken?
SOMEONE IS MOVING MY LIVING ROOM WINDOW AN INCH A DAY.
@primanirules: around about cocktail hour
@sailortweek: It was ME. FOR SCIENCE.
@TristanGemmill: That’ll be the precession of the equinoxes folk again
@casinopete: Its me. Now move mine
@FrankSnotra: @AlbertBrooks @SteveMartinToGo There’s an asteroid supposed to hit Earth later 2night. You guys are movie stars--DO SOMETHING!!
@LancasterKat: Do NOT read tweets from @stevemartintogo without first going pee! #dammit #justpeedalittle #sodamnfunny
Tired of sitting on my butt. Trying my shoulder.
Spent a lovely morning combing my lawn.
People love my earlier tweets.
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@Spectreman_71: @albertbrooks I used to love reading tweets by @SteveMartinToGo Then he sold out and went mainstream around tweet number 437.
@JacquesTheRippr: You are far and away my third favorite comedy actor.
@JessicaLuvsHS: Fun Fact: I have the same birthday as Steve Martin. I’m cooler.
BREAKING NEWS: NE WS.
I’ve decided I want to get to know Cher on a first name basis.
Another beautiful day. Wish I wasn’t cooped up outside on this dang boat.
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@CorenthalJames: Wait a minute… that’s silly. Now you’re just being silly.
Haven’t tweeted lately because I’m really absorbed by a Bounty paper towel.
If you lean in real close, this tweet smells of lavender.
Have just been diagnosed with a borderline personality.
The secret of a happy life is [inaudible].
Loving my new facelift by Prada®.
Working on my new book, “The Ten, Make That Nine, Habits of Very Organized People. Make That Ten”.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
photo © Sandee Oliver
STEVE MARTIN IS A LEGENDARY WRITER, ACTOR, MUSICIAN, AND performer. His film credits include Father of th
e Bride, Parenthood, The Spanish Prisoner, and Bringing Down the House, as well as Roxanne, L.A. Story, and Bowfinger, for which he also wrote the screenplays. He has won an Emmy for his television writing and Grammy awards both for comedy albums and for his work on the banjo. In addition to a play, Picasso at the Lapin Agile, he has written a bestselling collection of comic pieces, Pure Drivel; two bestselling children’s books, Late for School and The Alphabet from A to Y with Bonus Letter, Z!; a bestselling novel, An Object of Beauty; and two bestselling novellas, Shopgirl, which was made into a movie, and The Pleasure of My Company. His work has appeared in the New Yorker and the New York Times. His album, The Crow: New Songs for the Five-String Banjo, won a Grammy for Best Bluegrass Album in 2010, and his current album, Rare Bird Alert, is nominated for a 2012 Grammy.