v) You're not my real parents, every child has thought. I'm not your real child. But with orphans, it's true. What freedom, to thumb your nose authentically! For orphans, all roads are open. For orphans, all roads are the one not chosen. For orphans, all roads are necessary. How can they be kicked out of home? They're out of home already. They hitch through life, one casual ride after another. Their rule is the rule of thumb.
vi) On the other hand how sad, to make your way like a snail, a very fast snail but a snail nonetheless, with no home but the one on your back, and that home an empty shell. A home filled with nothing but yourself. It's heavy, that lightness. It's crushing, that emptiness.
vii) But what love they inspire, these orphans! Little orphan babies left in shopping bags, on doorsteps, in the cold. Little orphan babies left in baskets, under cabbage leaves, by birds, by cupids, by gnomes. Folks line up for them, cross-eyed with pity, money in their pockets, damp handkerchiefs in their fists, rescue in their minds, blankets in their knapsacks, warm arms open, waiting to gather them in. Where did you come from, baby dear? Out of the darkness. Out of the fear.
viii) Nevertheless, we're warned against them, these orphans. They're sly, they're shifty. How do you know anything about them? Who were their people? Bar the doors, hide the silver! If you find a baby in the bulrushes, leave it there! Don't invite the orphans over your threshold! They'll cut your throat for a penny, they'll run off with your daughter, they'll seduce your son, they'll wreck your home, because home is where the heart is and the orphans are heartless.
ix) No, you've got it wrong. It's the other way around. The orphans are not the stealers but the stolen; they are not the killers but the killed. You can tell where the orphans have wandered by the trails they leave: breadcrumbs in the forest, drops of blood, tears that have turned into small white mushrooms, small piles of fragile bones among the roots and moss.
Read the statistics: their chances are not good. Their stepmothers demand their tongues on a plate; their fathers have skipped town; their uncles send villains with pillows to smother them in their sleep. It's only in books - and only some books - that a generous benefactor appears in the nick of time to save the orphans from the forces of malice ranged against them. What are those forces? Look into the magic mirror, sweet reader. Look into the deep still wishing well. Ask yourself.
x) It's a good excuse, though, orphanhood. It explains everything - every mistake and wrong turn. As Sherlock Holmes declared, She had no mother to advise her. How we long for it, that lack of advice! Imprudence could have been ours. Passionate affairs. Reckless adventures. Of course we're grateful for our stable upbringings, our hordes of informative relatives, our fleece-lined advantages, our lack of dramatic plots. But there's a corner of envy in us all the same. Why doesn't anything of interest happen to us, coddled as we are? Why do the orphans get all the good lines?
xi) Now the letters will arrive, from orphans. How could you treat orphanhood so lightly! they will say. You don't understand what it's like to be an orphan. You are the sort of person who jeers at those with no legs. You are frivolous and cruel. You are harsh.
Ah yes, dear orphans, I can see how you would feel that way. But to note is not to disparage. All observations of life are harsh, because life is. I lament that fact, but I cannot change it.
(And consider: It is loss to which everything flows, absence in which everything flowers. It is you, not we, who have always been the children of the gods.)
Gateway
You were led to expect a road, a river, a boat, a gate, a guardian. All were supplied, though none was what you'd imagined. The road was indistinguishable from many of the sidewalks you'd so often trudged along: poured concrete, dirty in the usual way - weathered chewing gum, fresh spit, the odd dog dropping. Your feet were tired - whose shoes were you wearing? - but there was no place to sit down. The river, when you came to it, was a canal, stagnant with algae and floating plastic bags. A shabby houseboat was moored there, but no path led down to it. Instead the sidewalk took you across a massive iron bridge, painted grey. After that came a red brick wall that went on for a long time. It had posters stuck onto it - a play was being advertised, or else a film - the same poster, over and over. They showed a woman's face with a surprised expression, her hand raised as if in self-protection, with big lettering in blue and orange and lines of smaller print: favourable quotations from the newspapers, no doubt, but somehow you couldn't read them. In addition to the posters there were names spray-painted on the brick - no one you knew - and hot-pink symbol-writing that suggested the twisted-balloon animals made by clowns at children's parties.
At last came the gate. It had a door, a steel door set into the brick wall. It was dented, as if people had been kicking at it with heavy boots. The guardian was leaning against it. He had the look of a man who'd been sleeping rough for some time. Old jeans, stubbled face, broken sandals; a torn rucksack by his feet.
You got here at last, he said. These are your things. I've kept them for you.
My things? you said. You inspected the rucksack. It didn't look familiar. What did he mean by things? A toothbrush, underwear?
Things you saved up, he said. For this occasion.
You lifted the rucksack. It was very light. You wondered if there was a sandwich in it. You weren't hungry, but you might be later. You examined the door. There were no windows in it. There was no lock.
I'm supposed to go in here? you said.
I have to ask you some questions first, he said. Think carefully before you answer.
All right, you said. You had an idea about the questions: you'd be asked to give a good account of yourself, and to admit to your misdeeds, such as they were. You thought you were ready. You hadn't been perfect, but then, perfection wouldn't be expected. Surely not, or who would ever get in?
Here are the questions, he said. What is your favourite colour? Did you love your cat? Did you ever find a coin on the pavement? Were you happy?
Suddenly it's the present tense. The first question baffles you. Do you have a favourite colour or not? You can't remember. Everything you've been meaning to say in your own defence has gone right out of your head. Now a wind has begun to blow: ripped posters whirl along the street, open mouths, hands, eyes. Perhaps you should open the rucksack. You never had a cat. What do coins have to do with it? There must be some mistake.
Bottle II
Bring your ear down closer. Put your hand over the other ear. Think of seashells. There. Now you can hear me.
It must be a surprise for you, the discovery that there's a voice inside this bottle. You thought you were buying a curio, which is what most people would call a round-bodied glass object, ornate, dusty, out of date, filled with layers of coloured sand, purple-pink-orange-green-beige. A sort of ornament. A sort of souvenir, from a place you haven't in fact ever visited.
Then you saw the sand moving, in a bottle with the cork in. At first you thought it might be an earthquake, a small one, the kind that rattles teacups. But no. You watched closely. You were not mistaken: yes, there was a rippling, a shivering, a wavelet of purple sand. Some sort of insect life, perhaps. You took out the cork.
That was when you heard the voice. My voice, to be precise. It was a small sibilant voice, like the rustling of old corn husks in a breeze, or of dried leaves kept for eons in a cave. It was a hissing, like steam escaping fitfully from a fissure in damp mud. An underground sound, hinting of unknown pressures, of unknown powers. It was an enticing whisper.
Ask me what you need to know, this voice - my voice - promised. Ask and I'll tell you. Your car keys? They're under the bed. Your stock holdings? I see gold, but is it yours? Your death, when and where? This voice offered you knowledge, but also fear. Fear is synonymous with the future, and the future consists of forked roads, I should say forking roads, because the roads are forking all the time, like slow lightning. A road is a process, not a location. I can put my fingertips on this road, on these roads, on this trembling branchwork, my finge
rtips that are now so fine and spidery.
How did it come to this? My present arachnid state. I was young once, I was beautiful, I was sought after, I had picturesque robes and exceptional talents. I uttered portents in caves: there were lineups, there were waiting lists for them. How did I come to be so tiny, so translucent, so wispy, so whispery? How did I come to be shut up inside this bottle? It's an unusual story, an incredible story, a story that could not take place today. I'm not sure I still believe it myself, though I'll tell it to anyone who'll lend an ear.
Right now that means you. I am not a curio, my friend. Or rather I am a curio, but you'd have to say the curio, the best one of all. Only the very curious acquire curios like this. And you are a curious person, you look into the medicine cabinets in the bathrooms of people you hardly know, you're an avid listener, you're driven to listen, you'll listen to anything. I understand you: I too was curious once, like you. We are both the kind of person who takes the corks out of bottles. Not bottles of wine: bottles of sand.
Winter's Tales
Once upon a time, you say, there were germs with horns. They lived in the toilet and could only be defeated by gallons and gallons of bleach. You could commit suicide by drinking this bleach, and some women did.
The young look up at you, wide-eyed. Or maybe they look down at you: they've become very tall. How young are the young, these days? It varies. Some of them are quite old. But they are still credulous, because you were there, once upon a time, and they weren't.
Not only that, you say - you're enjoying this - there were no bare midriffs, and only sailors and convicts had tattoos. There were no telephones, there were no vaccinations; so you couldn't call the doctor when you were dying, of burst glands, of stagnant intestinal bloats, of webs inside your throat, of brain fever. If you had unprotected intercourse your nose dropped off, a lot sooner than it does now.
The young are still listening. Do they believe you? Have you been sensational enough for them? You certainly hope so.
If you were a married woman, it was all over at thirty, you say. You were doomed to put on a print dress and a rubber girdle and sit in a rocking chair on the porch - there were porches, back then - fanning yourself, because there was no air conditioning, and talking about your flat feet, your sciatica, your varicose veins, and the snoring habits of your husband, whose shirts you had to iron, every Tuesday - mountains of shirts. All of these were metaphors for unsatisfactory sex.
At this there are a few giggles. But you don't want the past to be taken lightly: it cost too much. It deserves respect. So now it's time for the serious artillery.
Let me tell you about meat loaf, you say, lowering your voice, as the already pale faces around you turn ashen. Yes - meat loaf! Meat loaf, and enemas, and bulb-headed syringes used for what they called "feminine hygiene" - the three are not unconnected, you say, in a thrilling whisper.
By now the young are staring at you with fascinated horror, as if you're about to pull off one of your legs, revealing a green and mossy amputated stump. War stories, that's what they want - war stories, and disgusting menus. They want suffering, they want scars. Shall you tell them about pot roast?
But that might be going too far. Anyway, you've excited yourself enough for one evening.
It's Not Easy Being Half-Divine
Helen lived down the street from me when we were growing up. We used to sell Kool-Aid off her front porch, five cents a glass, and she always had to be the one to carry the glass down the steps, eyelids lowered and with that pink bow in her hair, and mincing along like she was walking on eggs. I think she palmed a few nickels, being hardly the most honest type. I know she's famous and all now, but quite frankly she was a pain in the butt then and still is. She used to tell the worst lies - said her dad was somebody really high up, not the Pope but close, and of course we teased her about that. Not that this so-called big shot ever showed his face. Her mum was just another single mother, as they call them now, but my own mum says they had another name for it once. She said they had goings-on at night around there, naturally, since every man in town thought it was being handed out for free. Used to throw pebbles at the door, shout names and howl a bit when they got drunk. The two boys, Helen's brothers - they were pretty wild, they took off early.
When she was ten, Helen went through a circus phase - liked to dress up, thought she'd be a trapeze artist - then she got close with the woman who ran the beauty salon, used to do her hair for her and give her product samples, and then she started drawing black rims around her eyes and hanging around the bus station. Fishing for a ticket out of town, is my guess. She was good-looking - I'll grant her that - so it wasn't surprising she got married early, to the police chief, a prime catch for both of them as he was pushing forty.
Then just a few months ago she ran off with some man from the city who was passing through. Didn't need the bus ticket after all, he had his own car, quite the boat. Hubby's pissed as hell; he's talking about a posse, go into the city, smoke them out, beat the guy up, get her back, smack her around a bit. A lot of men wouldn't bother, with a tramp like that; but it seems he doesn't believe in divorce, says somebody has to stand for the right values.
Personally I think he's still nuts about her and anyway his pride is hurt. Trouble is she's flaunting it - the new man's quite well off, set her up in some sort of mansion, her picture gets in magazines and people asking about her opinions, it's enough to make you sick. So there she is, all diddied up in her new pearl necklace and smiling away as sweet as pie and saying how happy she is in her new life, and how every woman should follow her heart. Says it wasn't easy when she was growing up, being half-divine and all, but now she's come to terms with it and she's looking at a career in the movies. Says she was too young to get married that first time but now she knows how fulfilling love can be, and the chief wasn't, well, he just wasn't. Of course everyone thinks she's saying he was a nothing in the sack department, so there's been some snickering up the sleeves, though not openly because he's still got a lot of clout in this town.
The long and the short of it is, pardon my pun, nobody likes to be laughed at. The chief's from a big family, a brother and a lot of cousins, all of them with muscles and tempers. My bet is things will get serious. It's worth watching.
Salome Was a Dancer
Salome went after the Religious Studies teacher. It was really mean of her, he wasn't up to her at all, no more sense of self-protection than a zucchini, always droning on about morality and so forth, but he'd finger the grapefruits in the supermarket in this creepy way, a grapefruit in each hand, he'd stand there practically drooling, one of those gaunt-looking men who'd fall on his knees if a woman ever looked at him seriously, but so far none of them had. As I say it was really mean of her, but he'd failed her on her mid-term and she was under pressure at home, they wanted her to perform as they put it, so I guess she thought this would be a shortcut.
Anyway, with a mother like hers what could you expect? Divorced, remarried, bracelets all up her arms and fake eyelashes out to here, and pushy as hell. Started entering Salome in those frilly-panty beauty contests when she was five, tap-dance lessons, the lot, they'd slather the makeup on those poor tots and teach them to wiggle their little behinds, what a display. And then her stepdad ran the biggest bank in town so I guess she thought she could get away with anything. I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't some hanky-panky going on in that direction too, the way she'd bat her baby blues at him and wheedle, sickening to watch her rubbing up against him and cooing, he'd promised her a Porsche when she turned sixteen.
She was Tinker Bell in the school play when she was twelve, I certainly remember that. Seven layers of cheesecloth was all she wore, there was supposed to be a body stocking underneath but whether there was or not, your guess is as good as mine. And all those middle-aged dads sitting with their legs crossed. Oh, she knew what she was doing!
Anyway, when she got the rotten mark in Religious Studies she went to work on the guy, who knows how
it started but when they were caught together in the stockroom she had her shirt off. The teacher was growling away at her bra, having trouble with the hooks, or so the story goes, you have to laugh. If you want what's in the package you should at least know how to get the string off, is what I say. Anyway, big scandal, and then he started badmouthing her, said she was a little slut and she'd led him on, did some innuendo on the mother just for good measure. Everyone believed him of course, but you always knew with Salome that if anyone's head was going to roll it wouldn't be hers. She accused the poor jerk of sexual assault, and since she was technically a minor - and of course her banker stepdad threw his weight around - she made it stick. Last seen, the guy was panhandling in the subway stations, down there in Toronto; grown a beard, looks like Jesus, crazy as a bedbug. Lost his head completely.
Salome didn't come to a good end either. Tried out for ballet school, Modern Dance was what she thought would suit her, show a lot of skin, centre your thoughts on the pelvis, bare feet, fling yourself about, but she didn't get in. Left home after some sort of blowup between the mom and the stepdad, midnight yelling about Miss Princess and her goings-on, furniture was thrown. After that she took to stripping in bars, just to annoy them I bet. Got whacked in her dressing room one night, right before the show, too bad for Management, someone clobbered her over the head with a vase, nothing on but her black leather macrame bikini and that steel-studded choke collar, used to get the clients all worked up, not that I'd know personally. Saw two guys running out the stage door in bicycle-courier outfits, some sort of uniform anyway, never caught them though. Hit men set on by the stepdad is one rumour, wild with jealousy. Guys get like that when their hair falls out. It was all the mother's fault, if you ask me.