“Of course the specifics matter!” I say. “Why else have we been talking about it?”
Dr. Ostrander gives me a look, and Isaac squeezes my hand, I guess in a warning that pissing off the superintendent right before he’s going to decide our fate might not be the best idea. “I’m sorry,” I say, hoping my face looks apologetic. “Whatever you think is best.”
I pick my purse up from where I left it on the chair and then head outside. My stomach is in knots, and my throat is dry. I hate not knowing what’s going to happen. It makes me way too anxious.
“Um, do you have a ride home?” Isaac asks. I turn around. He’s standing behind me on the sidewalk, not really looking me in the eye, and sounding awkward.
“I’m supposed to call my mom when I’m done,” I say. “She’s going to pick me up.” I pull my cell out of my bag, hoping he’s going to insist that I let him drive me home. I’m just realizing that after we get whatever punishment Dr. Ostrander decides on, there will be no reason for me and Isaac to really talk. And so I want to prolong this moment, of him being here, with me, as long as I can.
He nods, and we stand there for a second not saying anything. Finally I start to scroll through my contact list until I find my mom’s number. I’m just about to hit the call button when Isaac speaks.
“Why did you do that?” He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks at me.
“Do what?”
“Take the blame like that? It wasn’t true. It’s not all your fault.”
“Yes, it is,” I say. I plop down on the high stone wall in front of the superintendent’s office, and then lie back, kicking my shoes off into the grass. I look up at the clouds as they blow across the sky. “If I hadn’t lied to you, you wouldn’t have flipped out on Rex.”
Isaac pulls himself up on the stone wall next to me. I can feel his leg touching mine as he lies down beside me. “If I hadn’t kissed Marina, she wouldn’t have flipped out on you. We both made mistakes.”
“Mine was bigger,” I say, feeling myself start to choke up. I’m always making mistakes. With Rex. With school. With my family. And now with Isaac.
The urge to get up and run away flows through my body, threatening to take over. Talking about this stuff is way too painful. But walking away from him is even more painful, and so we just lie there for a second, not saying anything. I can hear Isaac breathing beside me, softly. I close my eyes. I can feel his leg against mine, and as long as we’re not talking, I can almost pretend that none of this ever happened.
Isaac talks first. “Why’d you do it?”
“Do what?”
“Lie.”
“I told you,” I say. “Admitting it made me feel vulnerable somehow, like if I said out loud that Rex and I had sex, it made me more pathetic. Because of what he did to me.” I sit up, and Isaac sits up too. I cross my legs in front of me, and he does the same. “The truth is,” I say, “I wasn’t really lying to you. I was lying to myself. And it wasn’t even about the virginity. I know you don’t care about that.”
“Good,” he says. “Because I don’t.” He’s looking at me, but I can’t meet his eyes. I’m staring down at the grass when I feel his hand brushing my hair away from my face. “Hey,” he says, “look at me.”
He leans down toward me, and I tilt my head up, and he’s right there, so close, and I’m reminded of the first day I met him, in the gym, when I thought he was conceited and arrogant and a total jerk. I was wrong about him. And it breaks my heart to realize that he was wrong about me. He thought he could trust me.
“Kelsey,” he says, “I’m sorry for the way I was acting in there, treating you like I thought it was all your fault, bringing up personal stuff in front of Dr. Ostrander. It’s just . . .” He trails off and takes a deep breath, and it’s almost like I can see the anger he’s been carrying turn into sadness. “You don’t understand how I feel about you. You were the first girl I ever really loved, that I ever let myself believe I could actually be with. And then when I found out you lied, it was so horrible. I was so angry, and all I knew how to do was push you away and lash out.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, my voice catching. “Isaac, I really am.”
His hand reaches up and strokes my hair again. “You need to learn to let go a little bit,” he says. “Let your guard down. You can’t control everything all the time.”
I think about it. “You think that’s why I lied?”
“I think that’s part of it,” he says, nodding. “You wanted to be in control of every aspect of our relationship, including how your past was going to affect us. But honestly, that’s not how life works. Life’s messy. There are broken hearts and ex-boyfriends.” He grins. “And school activities that end with fistfights and ambulances.”
I laugh.
“Besides, what’s the worst that can happen?” he asks. “If you let go? Things don’t go exactly as you planned? Oh, boo hoo. Everything always ends up working out the way it’s supposed to anyway.”
I think about it. And I realize he’s right. This whole time I’ve been trying to pretend to be this girl who has it all together, who hasn’t made any mistakes, but in the process, I lost myself, who I really am, who I want to be.
I turn away from Isaac and look back across the parking lot, toward the trees that line the sidewalk. It’s too hard to be close to him, to look in his eyes, to see the hurt there. “You’re right,” I say. “And the worst part is that I tried so hard to hold on to you, and I lost you.” He doesn’t say anything. I take a deep breath. “But you tried to control things too,” I say.
“I did?”
“Yeah,” I say, “you tried to control your emotions, to pretend that you didn’t love me anymore just because of one stupid lie.”
He opens his mouth, probably to deny it. But right before he’s about to talk, he shuts his mouth. And then he nods.
“You’re right,” he says.
“I am?”
“Yes,” he says, “I did try to control my emotions.” He reaches over and takes my hand. “But you didn’t lose me.” His fingers intertwine with mine, and electricity zings up my fingers and through my body, and for a moment I can’t catch my breath.
I turn back toward him, slowly, trying to keep my heart calm. “I didn’t?”
“No,” he says. “You’re never going to lose me.”
“How can you say that?” I ask. “After how I lied?”
“Because I know you,” he says. “The real you. And I understand why you did it.” He pauses, then tilts his head like he’s thinking about something. “And besides, I’d hate to give that asshole Rex the satisfaction of having anything to do with us being apart.”
I laugh then, the first time I’ve laughed or felt anything except a twisting in my stomach since yesterday. Isaac wraps his arms around me, pulling me close, and I bury my face against his neck, feeling the smoothness of his skin against my cheek.
I tilt my head up slightly, and then his lips are on mine. We kiss for what seems like forever, and everything else disappears as I get lost in being close to him. Finally, when we pull apart, Isaac sits up and hops off the wall. “Come on,” he says, holding his hand out to me. “I’ll buy you a lemonade.”
I take his hand and follow him to his car.
• • •
We go to a convenience store and sit on the curb of the parking lot, drinking Snapples and snacking on chips. I kick my high heels off, and we just sit there, eating and talking and ignoring the dirty looks we’re getting from people who have to step over us as they come in and out of the store.
As Isaac drives me home he asks, “You going to be okay? Talking to your parents about everything?” We’re on my street, and I can see my house in the distance. The driveway’s empty, which means my parents are out, giving me a little reprieve until I have to talk about everything that happened at the meeting.
“Yeah.” I nod. “I’ll be okay.”
He walks me to the door, then pulls me close, wrapping his arms aro
und my waist and kissing me before he lets me go.
“I love you,” he whispers in my ear.
“I love you, too,” I say, the words sending a delicious shiver up my spine.
“I’ll text you later,” he says, and heads back toward his car. I watch him go, standing on the porch until he disappears around the corner.
Once I’m inside, I head up to my room and drop my bag on the floor, thinking about how crazy the last twenty-four hours have been. The weird thing is, I’m not that worried about it anymore. I know that no matter what happens, I’ll be okay.
I brush my hair, tie it back into a ponytail, and change out of my skirt and into soft gray yoga pants and a white hoodie.
I look around my room, running my hand over the books on my bookshelf, stopping when my finger rests on a baby-blue hardcover. It’s the book I was reading when everything happened with Rex, the one that I haven’t been able to finish. I pull it down and trace the embossed letters on the cover.
I lie down on my bed and open the book. And then, finally, I take a deep breath and start to read.
LAUREN BARNHOLDT is also the author of Sometimes It Happens, One Night That Changes Everything, Two-way Street, and Watch Me for teens, and Rules for Secret Keeping, Four Truths and a Lie, The Secret Identity of Devon Delaney, and Devon Delaney Should Totally Know Better for tweens. She lives in Waltham, Massachusetts. Visit her at laurenbarnholdt.com, follow her at twitter.com/laurenbarnholdt, and friend her at facebook.com/laurenbarnholdt.
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Lauren Barnholdt, The Thing About the Truth
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