* * *
Dallas is in the kitchen, pouring water into the back of the coffeemaker while Cas sits at the table, looking exhausted. When we come down, he presses his lips into a smile, seeming relieved that we’re joining them. Dallas tosses a curious glance over her shoulder but doesn’t say anything as James and I each take a seat.
“So what happened to my file?” I ask as the coffee begins to percolate.
Cas shrugs, answering only after Dallas stays silent. “I’ve called every contact I have,” he says, “but your file is gone, or at least, not accessible. They tried to pull James’s, too—probably after you ran—but I got to it in time. I think they’re trying to cover their asses in case you turn up dead or on an Oprah special.”
“That’s the next stop on our publicity tour,” James says with a grin. Dallas turns, flashing him a smile before grabbing two coffee mugs and setting one in front of James. He thanks her, then starts going through his file again. I can’t look at Dallas. She read the notes from James’s session, and whatever doubts I had are probably magnified by a thousand in her mind. Luckily, I don’t have to dwell on her possible thoughts before James holds up another paper.
“Look at this,” he announces. “Says here I assaulted a handler.” The paper is an incident report and apparently, after his blackout session, James attacked a handler in the hallway. It reminds me of when Realm took down Roger, and I turn to James, thinking for the first time that he and Realm have a lot in common—more than just me.
Dallas tops off James’s coffee, her hand shaking. She asks Cas if he wants a cup, but he passes. She never offers one to me. She clinks the pot back in place just as James calls my name.
“Here it is,” he says. He looks to me immediately and then points to a page clipped to the file. It’s an entrance form, and in the bottom box is a handwritten note in blue ink. The first word I recognize is my brother’s name, and I prepare myself for what comes next.
Patient 486 was first infected after the self-termination of Brady Barstow (drowning), and was later triggered by the self-termination of Miller Andrews (QuikDeath). Under the influence of his medication, Patient 486 admitted to witnessing Brady Barstow’s death at the river, where his attempts to rescue him failed. He has since been struggling with depression, kept hidden with the help of Sloane Barstow, the deceased’s sister.
“You tried to save him,” I whisper. Then, before James can reply, I lean over and kiss him, my hands on his cheeks. My brother wasn’t alone when he died, that I knew, but the idea of James trying to save him fills me with a comfort I can’t explain.
I pull back, smiling at how brave James must have been. Across the room, I notice a figure standing in the doorway. His shoulders are slumped, his head downcast. I hitch in a breath when he lifts his dark eyes to mine. It can’t be. . . .
“Realm?” My voice cracks and I scramble to my feet. Realm is thinner, his clothes hang on his tall frame. His dark hair is now a brassy shade of orange, as if he’d dyed it blond not too long ago. The shadows under his eyes are deep and dark, and I think he’s been through something. I step toward him. “You’re back?”
A small smile pulls at Realm’s lips, and I’m absolutely overcome with relief. Dallas chuckles, standing at the sink, but nothing else matters as I rush over to Realm and throw myself against him, wrapping my arms around his neck. He’s alive. “I’ve missed you,” I whisper into his shirt.
“Ah, Michael Realm,” James calls out, still sitting at the kitchen table. “What a surprise. I’d give you a hug too, but I think I’d rather punch you in the face.”
I don’t bother reacting; I just hold on to Realm. I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. He touches gingerly at my shoulders and then glances past me to James. “You’re not really my type, James,” he says. “So I think I’d prefer the punch anyway.”
“Good to know.” James darts a look between me and Realm, smiling but obviously tense by our proximity. It wasn’t that long ago that he saw me kiss Realm, back before we got together. And he knows about the time I went to Realm’s house in the middle of the night. He knows we’ve been more than friends.
I feel a touch on my cheek and turn to Realm as he glides his finger over my skin. “You look good,” he says softly. “I was worried.”
“You were worried? I haven’t heard from you. I thought you were . . .” I stop, not wanting to finish the thought.
“Dead,” James finishes for me.
Realm ignores him, still looking at me with a sort of reverence. “So you’re happy to see me?” he asks, as if he’s scared of the answer.
“Yes. What kind of question is that?”
He smiles, dropping his hand. “Of course. You didn’t take it.”
My expression falters when he mentions the pill. Realm doesn’t know I told James about it. He doesn’t know we’ve kept it secret from the others. Dallas slams the cabinet door under the sink, and my heart jumps. When I look up, she’s walking over with a small box in her hand, focused on Realm, and I relax.
“Hey, blondie,” she says with a big grin. “Was wondering when you’d get here. I picked this up for you earlier.” She slaps a box of hair dye against his chest. “I’ve always liked you better as a brunette anyway.”
Realms smiles at her, something affectionate and familiar. “Thank you, Dal.”
She shrugs as if it was nothing, grabs a kitchen chair, and spins around to sit on it backward. “You really shouldn’t sneak up on us,” she says teasingly to Realm. “Have you gotten my messages?”
“I apologize,” he tells her. “But yes, I got them. That’s how I found you, actually. We shouldn’t stay here. We’ll need another safe house.”
“Working on it,” Cas says, getting up to grab a backpack from the closet. “Didn’t expect you for another week at least.” They exchange a look before Cas tosses the pack in Realm’s direction. Realm immediately opens it, sorting through its contents. “We’ve found a basement apartment,” Cas continues, “but I don’t think it’s a good choice. Not enough exits.”
“Keep looking,” Realm says, taking out a cell phone. “This clean?” he asks.
“Just got it today. Why?” Cas smiles. “You want to order a pizza?”
“I need to call Anna and thank her. Let her know I’m okay.”
Anna, Realm’s sister, is the one who told us to run, gave us a car and some money. She helped us get away before The Program could catch us. And she did it all just because her brother asked her to.
“Tell her thanks from me, too,” I say, reaching to touch Realm’s arm. He flinches but then looks down at where my hand is on him. He seems a little lost, and I want to ask him where he’s been all these weeks, but I don’t. Not yet.
“I’ll tell her,” he replies.
“Hey, Realm,” Cas says. “I’ll drop your stuff in my room. I think I’d rather sleep on the couch anyway. Place is getting a bit claustrophobic.” He gives Realm a fist bump before leaving.
Michael Realm smiles at me, somewhat sheepishly, and then he dials a number on the phone and walks into the living room. I stand, looking after him, and when I hear him choke out a cry, promising he’s okay, there’s a familiar warmth for him. I like how he cares about his sister. He reminds me of Brady.
“I’ll be upstairs,” James mumbles, and leaves. His file is still spread open on the table, but I know he’s distraught. Realm is his insecurity, and I was jerk for not being more sensitive to it. I glance at Dallas, who is leaning her elbows on the back of her chair, looking self-righteous.
“A boyfriend and a lover?” she asks. “Would have never thought you the type.”
“Shut up,” I reply, although I feel my cheeks redden. Then, with my pulse still racing from Realm’s return, I hurry up the stairs toward James.
CHAPTER TEN
THE SILENCE IS DEAFENING ON the landing leading to the bedrooms. I expect James to be jealous, angry—instead I find him in the chair at the window, staring out at the street. Looking so lonel
y.
I’m such an idiot. “James . . .”
“He’s your friend,” he says, keeping his eyes trained outside. “I get it. I’m even glad he’s not dead.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Which part?” He turns then, the dim light making his normally crystal-blue eyes darker. I cross the room and sit on the bed, pulling my legs under me as I watch him. James isn’t pouting, exactly. He just seems hurt, and maybe a little confused. “What can I do?” I ask.
It’s quiet at first, and then James lowers his head. “What does he want?” he asks. He looks up and his face is absolutely miserable. “Why is he helping you like this?”
“Realm?”
“Yeah. Why does he keep risking his life for you?”
I shrug, but I know the answer. Realm is in love with me, even if I don’t feel the same way about him. But my nonresponse does little to console James.
“There’s something I need to know,” he says, “although I might not like the answer.”
“Oh God. What?”
“That night . . . the night we argued and you went to Realm’s house? What happened between you two exactly?”
“Does it matter now?”
James exhales, leaning back in the chair like he’s exhausted. “A little.”
“We didn’t sleep together.”
He closes his eyes. “The fact that you jumped immediately to that as your defense isn’t comforting.”
“I was upset.”
“You kissed him.”
I nod, feeling ashamed. James and I weren’t even a couple, but I knew how I felt about him. My hookup with Realm was completely reactionary.
“And more?” James asks.
I nod again, and I look out the window at the tree branches as they sway in the wind. I think I can actually hear the sound of James’s heart breaking.
“Did you touch it?”
“Touch what?”
“It.”
I laugh and shake my head. “No. No, I did not.”
“Did he touch yours?”
“James!”
“Did he? I’m trying to get a handle on what ‘and more’ means.”
“No.” I stand up and walk to his chair. “James, no. He didn’t . . . do that.”
“How about those?” He points to my chest. He must see my expression change because he nods. “So he got to second base.”
“Really, James? Second base?”
He turns away from me. “I don’t blame him,” he murmurs. “They’re nice.”
“Thanks.”
“Besides, it was my fault anyway. I was an asshole. I practically gave you to him.” And although he’s trying to sound like he’s being reasonable, a tear spills over onto his cheek and he wipes it quickly so he thinks I won’t notice.
I drape my arms over his shoulders, and he turns his cheek against my shirt, his hands on my hips. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, wishing I could take away the betrayal he must feel. “Realm knew I wasn’t into it. He knew I was nuts for you.”
James sniffles and pulls back enough to look up at me with a small smile. “You didn’t like it?” he asks.
“No.”
“Because you love me?”
“Yes.”
“And you won’t kiss him again?”
I smile. “Never.”
He licks his lips. “But you’ll kiss me now?”
I answer by bringing my mouth to his, kissing him softly. He’s slow to respond, his body tense. I can feel his arms shaking as he wraps them around me. He’s all raw nerve endings, and then James, my James, practically collapses and cries into my hair, saying how sorry he is for almost losing me.
* * *
I go downstairs for dinner as James runs to the store for supplies with Cas, opting to skip the meal. Really I think he’s avoiding Realm, but at the moment—considering what we’d talked about earlier—that’s probably a good idea.
I make it into the kitchen and Dallas is the only one there, frying up something that smells like charcoal in a pan. When she notices me, she shrugs. “I burn everything.” She lifts the pan. “Chicken?”
“Uh . . .” I peek into the skillet and shake my head. “No, thanks. Do we have any mac ’n’ cheese left? James isn’t cooking for us tonight.”
Dallas sets the burned food aside. “I figured.” She reaches into a cabinet to pull down a box of macaroni and cheese and then grabs a pot and fills it with water. Once it’s going, she turns to me. “Is he okay?” She sounds truly concerned.
“He’s not a huge fan of my and Realm’s friendship.”
“I suppose not. And I’m guessing from the reaction to the file, your past wasn’t exactly what you thought it was.”
“James was trying to protect me,” I say defensively. “And if you’re going to gloat—”
“Gloat? Sloane, I don’t want you to be miserable. And I definitely don’t want James unhappy. Do I personally think the two of you together is a bad idea? Yes. I think you love each other to a fault, but in a world like this, being one half of Romeo and Juliet is stupid. I’ll take my chances staying single.”
I can’t help it. I laugh. I take a seat at the table, and Dallas grabs a couple of sodas from the fridge and gives me one. Sometimes I don’t totally hate her.
“Realm’s the one who told me James and I were together before,” I start. “I mean, I had guessed it because I found a picture of James with my brother, but I didn’t know for sure. It was tortuous, because James would switch between hot and cold, flirting and ignoring me on a daily basis. We worked it out, though,” I say. “So I call bullshit on that file.”
“Huh,” Dallas says, sipping from her drink. “Sounds like it. James would lie to protect you. Which leads me to my next question.” She twists the tab on her soda can until it pops off. “How do you know Realm?”
Heat rises to my cheeks. “We met in The Program.”
She laughs. “Well, obviously. But are you friends?” She pauses. “The kind with benefits?”
I pick up my drink, trying to look casual. “We’re just friends.” But even I detect the tightness in my voice, the obvious pitch of lying. She chuckles, and I look up to see her smile.
“Yeah,” she says sarcastically. “Me too.” Right then the niceties slip away, both from my face and her posture. “But my friendship comes with benefits,” she adds, grabbing her soda as she walks back over to the stove where the water has begun to boil.
She leaves me sitting here with a mix of jealousy and embarrassment. It had never really occurred to me that Realm was with anyone else, that he had a life outside of The Program. But he did. He does.
And Dallas made it clear it doesn’t really include me anymore.
* * *
I sit on the unmade bed of my empty room, the window cracked open to let in a breeze. James is showering in the bathroom down the hall, the steam slipping out from under the door. I’m still on edge from my talk with Dallas, my brain and my heart at odds about what I should be feeling. Realm didn’t come to dinner, it was just me and Dallas—eating in silence except for when she asked me to pass the hot sauce.
I just don’t understand why Realm never told me about her. All that time in The Program, all the nights playing cards. He never mentioned her name. Why? And what does it mean now? Is she his girlfriend? Is Dallas his James?
“You’re not falling asleep already, are you?”
Startled, I glance up and see James standing in the doorway, a towel tied around his waist, his blond hair wet and brushed back. He’s smiling wryly, a sort of infectious smile that seems to burn through me. “So guess what I got earlier,” he says.
I’m overwhelmed with the sight of him, the way his eyes hold me in their gaze—wicked and loving at the same time. I watch as he comes toward the bed, leaning in slowly but confidently. He’s no longer cautious of me; he’s given himself up to me completely. And so I kiss him hard, digging my nails into his skin as I pull him down onto the bed. We’re addicted to
each other—no matter what the consequences.
* * *
“I think I need another shower,” James says from next to me. I laugh, rolling over to rest my face on his shoulder.
“Shh . . .” I say, putting my finger over his lips. “Don’t ruin it.”
“I’m the one who’s ruined.”
“Shut up, James.”
“I’m like . . . corrupted.”
“You are not.”
“I think you have to marry me now.”
I laugh, but when he doesn’t keep going, I look over at his face. A grin pulls at his lips, but his expression is far more serious than I expected. There’s a cool draft from the window where it’s barely nudged open, but neither of us are in a hurry to get up.
“You might as well marry me now,” he says. “You know you will, anyway.”
Tingles spread over my skin. “Will I?” I ask.
He nods. “On the beach. After you learn how to swim.”
I wince. “You had me until you said ‘swim.’ ”
“Aw, come on,” James says. “You can’t be scared of water for the rest of your life.” When tell him that I sure can, James puts his hand behind my neck, pulling me into a soft kiss. “Say yes to me,” he murmurs. “Say yes now so I’ll never have to ask again.”
His mouth, his taste—it’s all so familiar and exciting. It’s heavy and suffocating, it’s then and now. “Yes,” I whisper finally, closing my eyes as I snuggle against him. “I’ll marry you someday, James. I’d do anything for you.”
I can feel his jaw shift as he smiles, taking my hand to squeeze his fingers between mine before kissing my ring finger.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
BREAKFAST IS ALL SORTS OF awkward as I sit across from Realm, James next to me with his body turned slightly away. I would have figured James to be more of the possessive type, somehow claiming me in front of Realm while crunching on his Frosted Flakes. But instead he has only a small smirk that I notice between spoonfuls.
“You’re happy today,” Realm says, eyeing him as he drinks black coffee from a Styrofoam cup. Dallas glances over from where she sits on the counter, studying James’s expression until she understands, and then turns away.