“I’m also devious, though, and that doesn’t seem to fit in. Virgo and Capricorn are supposed to be compatible.”
“That’s interesting.”
“Yes, I think it’s very interesting. Why don’t you sit next to me, Melanie?”
She looked into those steady eyes and felt her own face softening, melting.
“Sit next to me.”
“I don’t know if I should.” She hardly recognized her own voice, so soft and liquid, so young.
“It’s not what you should do. It’s what you want to do."
“I don’t know what I want.”
“Come over here.”
“Yes, all right. Maybe I should have a drink. Maybe we should both have a drink.”
“Afterward.”
“How pretty you are. Karen? Have you ever—”
“Yes.”
“I never have.”
“I knew that.”
“How can you tell?”
“I don’t know. I just can. You’re very beautiful.”
They kissed. She expected it to be strange and was struck by the familiarity of the experience, one she had never had before. It was not a feeling that she had done this before but that she had known all her life what it would be like. She felt the tips of Karen’s fingers trace a line down her cheek and across her shoulder, felt Karen’s hand close around her breast.
Not excitement but longing, yearning. How different. How utterly different.
“Kiss me some more, Melanie.”
“Oh, yes. Yes.”
‘You don’t need a drink now, do you?”
“No.”
“You need me. We need each other.”
“Yes.”
“You’re like silk here.”
“God, how that feels.”
“So soft and silky.”
“Someone once wanted me to shave it”
“A man?”
“Of course a man. I never—”
“God, don’t ever do it.”
“I won’t. Oh, Karen.”
“Can we go upstairs now?”
“Yes.”
She worried on the way to the bedroom that she would not know what to do, but it turned out that there was very little for her to do. Karen undressed her, positioned her on her back on the bed. Karen talked to her, talked gently, feeding her lines to which she could respond without thinking. Karen stripped and joined her on the bed, their bodies barely touching at first. Karen kissed her, long deep kisses, and Karen’s hands touched her body with the special knowledge male hands could not have. She had touched her own body in this fashion, with this same special knowledge, and Karen’s hands were like her own hands and yet they were not her own hands, they were Karen’s hands, and they worked magic upon her skin.
Karen’s mouth kissed her breasts, then burrowed downward, not too quickly, not too slowly. Karen knelt between her legs so that only Karen’s mouth touched her, Karen’s mouth upon her cunt and Karen’s soft girl’s cheeks like feathers against the insides of her thighs.
For a long time she held a portion of herself in reserve, kept part of her being from letting go. But Karen’s mouth kept assuring her in silent speech that there was no hurry, there was no rush, there was all the time in the world. There was no urgency in this. No one had to catch a train or keep a lunch date. There was time, worlds of time, and all you had to do was float on the wave, float on the wave—
Until without knowing it she let go, let go all the way, and she was there.
“Oh, how wonderful. How perfect.”
“You’re so fantastic, Melanie.”
“Me? All I did was lie there.”
“Oh, no. You don’t understand.”
“I mean, what did I do?”
“Never mind. You’re beautiful.”
“Am I?”
“Oh, come on. You can’t not know it.”
“I know I turn men on.”
“You turn girls on, too.” Karen touched her breast, stroked it not with passion but with admiration. “You must have had girls come on to you before.”
“I don’t think so. Not that I was ever aware of. I suppose I was never looking for it and might not have known. Is that possible?”
“It’s possible.” Karen curled up next to her. Melanie closed her eyes. She was almost asleep when she heard Karen speak her name. She opened her eyes.
“It’s your turn, Melanie.”
She had known this. The knowledge was what made sleep such a temptation. She rolled onto her side and covered her hesitation with a smile. “I suppose fair is fair, huh?”
“Oh, Melanie!”
“I was kidding, honey, I—”
Karen’s eyes were wide. The girl’s hands fastened on Melanie’s shoulders, drew their bodies close together.
“You don’t understand,” Karen said.
“Sure I do.”
“No, no you don’t. Oh, wow! I mean, doing it is the whole point. That’s what it’s about. The other part, you’ve had that before.”
“I told you I never—”
“I mean with a man.”
“It’s not the same. You must know that.
“It’s not the same, no, of course it’s not, but it’s the same idea. It’s the same act. But when you do it, you get to be on the other side of the mirror. You can’t do it for me, Melanie, baby. You have to do it for yourself.”
“I don’t know if it’ll work that way.”
“I know more about this than you do.”
“Yeah, I’ll buy that.”
“It’s better to give than to receive. Better because it feels better. That’s absolutely what it’s all about, just have to get into it.”
“But I don’t know how.”
“Just do what you like doing. Just start and See what happens. Do what you’d like if it was your body. As if both of us were you.”
“Oh.”
“Did I find the right words? Does that put it together for you?”
I
I
I
“Yes, of course it does.”
Afterward she felt a kind of peace she had never known before. She had found herself in Karen’s body and knew herself in a wholly new way. She remained still for an indeterminable period of time, curled up at Karen’s feet. Then she got up from the bed.
“Where are you going, Melanie?”
“I need a drink, and not a Pepsi. Can I get you something?”
“Do you have scotch?”
“I’m pretty sure all we have is applejack.”
“What’s that?”
“Brandy made from apples.”
“What do you mix it with? Does it go with soda?”
“It might, but we don’t have any. Water?”
“Sure.”
She poured the drinks, Karen’s with ice and water, her own neat. She drank hers straight down and poured herself another before returning to the bedroom.
Karen said, “I think I like this better than scotch. It has a cider taste along with a booze taste. What’s it like straight?”
“Try some.”
“It’s not bad. I’d have to get used to it.”
“Yeah, some things take getting used to.”
“And some people get used to certain things pretty quickly. You’re blushing, Melanie.”
“I know it and it’s crazy. I shouldn’t be able to blush in front of you. You’re my sister.”
“That’s what it’s like, isn’t it?”
“That’s exactly what it’s like.”
“You came, didn’t you?”
“God, did I ever! I never thought.”
“I knew you would. But I couldn’t tell you, I couldn’t, because you had to find your way there by yourself.”
“I never dreamed you could come from doing it.” “Don’t you with men?”
“Sometimes. Once in a while. Not like that, though. Karen?”
“I bet I know the question. How many girls have I done this with?”<
br />
“You don’t have to answer.”
“Why not? Two. Well, three. You’re the third.”
“Is that all?”
“Uh-huh. I’m mostly into guys. With a girl I have to have a special feeling. Well, with guys, too, but it’s a different feeling with girls. There aren’t as many girls that I have that feeling for.” She thought for a moment. “I didn’t know that I had it for you. You don’t have to believe it if you don’t want to, but I didn’t come with this in mind. Not consciously in mind, anyway. I really came over to talk with you.” A soft smile. “It didn’t take me long to get in the mood, did it?”
“Or me. I … thought about this before.”
“Before I made a pass? I know when you thought about it. I saw it in your face. When we were talking about being lonely.”
“You saw that? But I mean before tonight. I thought about making love to you. I don’t think I would have done anything. I just kept it in my mind. I never thought you would go for it.”
“That is really far-out.”
“Yeah.”
“It really is.”
“Could I ask you about the other two girls? Did they have experience?”
“The second one did.”
“Not the first? Jesus, how did either of you know what to do?”
“It was kind of funny. But, you know, we had both read things. Books. We knew what to do; it was a question of knowing how to get into it. We thought the best way would be sixty-nine, but it turned out to be a down. You can’t get into both things at the same time.”
“I was wondering about that.”
“It’s the same as with a man, you’re trying to hold two things in your mind at the same time. It’s easier to get it together behind grass but even then it’s better to take turns.”
“What’s it like with a nigger? I mean with somebody black.”
“One word’s as good as another, I guess.”
“I don’t really like that word. I say it sometimes; though. What’s it like?”
“Both of the girls were white.”
“I mean a black man.”
“I never made it with a spade. Oh, you mean the guy I brought home. I can’t think of his name.”
“Jeff.”
“You remembered and I didn’t. No, we didn’t make it. I was going to and I got uptight. Either because he was black or because I brought him home because he was black and that was dishonest and it bothered me. You never made that scene?”
“No. Sometimes I think I want to and sometimes I think I don’t.”
“I fooled around with some black guys at college. It never got past, you know, hand jobs. No particular reason. There’s not much difference. No, that’s bullshit, there’s a tremendous difference. At least for me, because you keep being conscious of the color. Not constantly but now you are and now you aren’t. For a minute you’ll be into the person and the color gets out of the way, and then it keeps fading back in on you. Maybe you get used to it. I didn’t, because I guess I turned out to be more hung up on race than I thought I was.”
“That’s very honest.”
“Well, Virgo.”
“I would never get past the color. I would keep hearing the word ‘nigger’ over and over in my head. If I got turned on that would be what turned me on. Don’t they have bigger cocks?”
“Not the ones I knew. Bigger when they were soft but about the same hard.”
“I’m only interested when they’re hard.”
“So am I.”
They giggled together. Then Melanie said, “Were both the girls at college with you?”
“Uh-huh. I learned a lot at college, but not what they wrote about in the catalog.”
Were you in love with either of them?”
“Both of them. I don’t like to ball if I’m not. Oh, I see. Sure, I’m in love with you, Melanie.”
“Jesus, don’t even say that!”
“And you’re in love with me. What’s wrong with that? Oh, wow, you’ve got more hangups than I thought. Do you really think you can only love one person?”
“Well, one person at a time.”
“Do you love your husband? Are you in love with him?”
“Yes, very much.”
“But you ball other guys.”
“There’s no love in it.”
“Isn’t that kind of sad?”
“Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know. I’d be afraid.”
“Isn’t it worse to ball them and not feel anything? I don’t mean in a moral way. I mean how you wind up feeling about yourself.”
She closed her eyes and thought about the question.
“You can always tell me to cool it with the questions, Melanie. Just because I’ll answer just about anything doesn’t mean you have to.”
“That’s not it. I’m just not sure of the answer.”
“Well, that’s cool. I can dig it. Hey, what time is it, do you happen to know?”
“Let me see. It says a quarter to ten but that clock’s a little fast. Do you have to be somewhere? I wish you would stay.”
“I was thinking about your old man.”
“Oh, he won’t be home for hours. Tonight’s Thursday? We have hours.”
“Because I was wondering what he would do if he walked in and found us like this.”
She couldn’t help laughing. Karen joined her, and when the laughter subsided the girl said, “I guess he’d have a fit.”
“Oh, no. Not Sully.”
“You mean he’d dig it? I’ve heard that. That it turns men on. And they don’t consider other chicks as a threat, not as if it was another man.”
“No, that’s only part of it.”
“Huh?”
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Do you want to know something? I’ve been going out of fucking mind lately.”
“What’s the matter?”
“I don’t know if I can tell you. I never told anyone. That’s what’s killing me, wanting to tell somebody and there’s nobody in the world to tell. I mean a woman, it’s nothing to talk about with a man. Or maybe it is but not in the same way.” She studied Karen thoughtfully. “What we said before about being sisters. I still feel that. But I couldn’t tell this to a sister, I mean a regular sister. I have this feeling that I could tell you.”
“I would never repeat anything.”
“Oh, I know that, you don’t have to tell me that. I have the feeling that I could tell you this and it wouldn’t shock you.”
“I was going to say nothing could shock me, but that’s bullshit. Some things shock me. But never the things you would expect. I think you better tell me before you explode, whatever it is. I guess it has to do with sex.”
“Yes, sure, what else.” She pointed to the pack of cigarettes. Karen passed her one, lit it for her. “I don’t know where to start.”
“Anyplace.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
It surprised her how easy it was to talk about it. The words flowed in a steady stream. She began with Sully’s first problems with impotence and worked her way straight through to the present. Karen never interrupted, never said a word. Sometimes Melanie averted her own gaze when she spoke about certain things, but when her eyes returned to Karen, the younger girl was always gazing straight into them, her expression one of total interest and total acceptance.
It was as if she were talking to herself, much as making love to Karen had had an autoerotic element to it. At the same time it was far more than talking to herself, even as their lovemaking had been worlds beyond simple masturbation. Karen’s ears gathered her words as Karen’s eyes gathered her own eyes, as Karen’s loins had gathered and drunk the reverse, unknown side of her womanhood.
“You get to be on the other side of the mirror.”
That had been Karen’s phrase, and Melanie had caught portions of its meaning when she heard the words but could not understand all of it until she had taken the looking-glass trip herself. She had reached the other side of the mirro
r in lovemaking. Now she was reaching it in speech. It seemed incredible to her that she had never done this before. It was so vital to do this. If you never looked through from the other side of the mirror then you never saw yourself plain. All you ever looked at was your reflection.
When she had finished talking, when the words ran out, she sat in silence. She was waiting, but not for Karen to speak. She was waiting to hear the echo of her own words. Then something within her that had been tight was suddenly loose, something that had been a knot untied herself. She sat perfectly still, silent, not sobbing, and tears fell out of her eyes.
When the tears stopped, she got up without a word and went down for fresh drinks. She did not wipe her tears away. When she was back in bed Karen wiped them with a touch as soft as petals.
Melanie said, “Well?”
“What a thing to keep inside you.”
“I couldn’t do it. You saw that I couldn’t.”
“What a string of changes to go through. It’s all so far-out. I’m sick of that expression but nothing else fits. It’s so completely far-out.”
“And I didn’t shock you?”
“Do I look shocked?”
“But what do you really think, Karen?”
“You probably know.”
“I have to hear it.”
“Right. Well, I think you have a beautiful thing. The thing is it works for you.”
“Sometimes I’m so disgusted with myself. And with him.”
“For putting up with it?”
“For wanting it.”
“Putting up with it might be sick. But not wanting it.”
“I know, but sometimes—”
“Sure.”
Later she said, “Karen? Could we?”
“You have to say you love me.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“I love you, you know.”
“It’s the words, it’s getting the words out. Oh, God, what you do to me. The way you touch me. I love you. Was that what you want to hear?”
“I want to hear it a lot.”
“Oh, God, God, I do. I love you.”
And afterward, “Will you tell him about this, Melanie?”
“I was just thinking that.”
“It wouldn’t bother me.”
“I thought it would. It really wouldn’t? I think it would, but you won’t say so. You’re a Virgo but you’re devious. A Virgo on the Leo cusp. Cusp is a sexy word, isn’t it? No, I won’t tell him. Not tonight. Maybe someday. Not tonight.”