The Unforgettable Names of the Forgotten Gods
By: Jonathan Antony Strickland
In times of old, when the worlds had just formed and mankind was still fresh and young, the One God fought for his right to rule over all. But as Gods go, he was not as clever or unique as he first thought he was and later found that he was just one of many from a plethora of other divine deities striving to make a mark and be worshipped by humanity. He needed a strategy to stand out from the rest. Unfortunately his first attempt at supreme power did not quite succeed as his tactics to overcome the other Gods was but a simple one; he would recruit a powerful warrior by the name of “Darse Yole” and get him to do his dirty work for him.
And so it was that the mighty Darse set out on a quest, set by his very own divine deity, to destroy as many (if not all) of the other Gods, never realizing that his epic quest and story would end in tragedy!
Darse however was not a complete fool and knew that to defeat the power of the mighty Gods themselves he would need to collect some very powerful magic, use great skill and cunning, and of course learn the dark secrets of the Gods he planned to destroy.
And thus it was that Darse first set out on his quest to collect the most powerful, most terrible, most deadly magic items the world had to offer. This task of course was by no means easy and took over seven long hard years to complete but when he was finished he was like a one-man-army, terrible to behold and easily the most powerful mortal ever to walk the earth.
The arsenal of weapons that Darse collected to defeat the Gods were as follows:
The beaver headed club of the beautiful, man eating Amazon Queen, named “Milthy Wallop”. Legend has it that with one swipe of the enchanted club any large erection (such as a mighty tower reaching skyward) could be crumpled to its very foundations!
The shield of anti-magic That looked like a flattened porcupine.
The necklace of ostrich heads Capable of dispelling any death spell and giving one’s opponent a very odd and disturbing look.
The orange armbands of flying. The ability of flight is very handy thing indeed, although for the magic to actually work the wearer has to perform a kind of chicken impersonation, which can also be very embarrassing. However this did not trouble Darse as they were also very handy to him because as a youngster he had never learned to swim!
The aluminous codpiece of destruction. Said to have been made by the Indian God of food and capable of shooting huge fireballs out of its back.
Last, and definitely least, were the incredible gauntlets of jumping. These are very hard to use!
Also to gain an advantage, Darse came across certain magical weapons in which certain sacrifices upon himself had to be made for the magic to work. These included:
The eye of the Count “Vota Merve”. It had the ability of when taken out and rolled at an opponent to grow rapidly in size, becoming as large as a huge boulder that was big enough to flatten them. Also, as an added extra it gave you X-ray vision…(NICE!). Upon acquiring the eye, Darse wasted no time in gauging out his own eye with a spoon and replacing it with the eye of the Count’s.
The middle finger of death, made by the arch-mage “Borand Grivel”. When a fist was made and the hideous middle finger slowly extended skywards, anybody seeing this horrendous thing would die instantly from shock! On finding it Darse immediately sliced the index finger of his right hand off, then upon realizing his mistake sliced off his middle finger and replaced it with that of the evil wizards.
Two magical golden front teeth which when ripped from ones mouth and the magical words of “Ya frasted jat burt” where said out loud/screamed in pain, they would transform into two monstrous fire-breathing golden dragons ready to do the owners bidding.
And last (though probably this time not least), was the dreaded lip of the ninja. Darse had to cut off his bottom lip and replace it with the deadly weapon. However, now he had the ability of ripping his bottom lip off and using it as a deadly death dealing throwing star. This is very handy if your ever attacked in the shower, or indeed if your ever caught short!
The legends also tell us that it is said that once Darse had fitted all these magical weapons and then removed them from his body he would be a truly terrible and horrendous sight to behold. Although his friends and the people who knew him thought it absolutely hilarious.
And so it was wrote that once Darse had collected all these items he set out to defeat the Gods.
At first he was very successful and even though there had been times when his life was in mortal danger (for unlike his enemies he was indeed but a mere mortal), he never wavered from the task set to him by his own God. Somehow he always managed to survive the wrath of the God he fought, slaying his enemy in a long bloody battle.
Gods such as “Baggera” the God of assassins, who had the ability to kill anyone from behind. Darse defeated him by keeping his back firmly pressed to the wall.
Then there was “Shet” the brown God and his unholy stench. Guarded by his hideous demons, the “Grelly Larts”, made completely out of gas. Darse used simple nose-plugs to overcome Shet’s awful power.
He also defeated two of the giant Gods. The first of these was the mighty “Big Hollocks”, the God of bravery and butchness. A swift well placed kick was all it took to defeat Big Hollicks.
The second was Big Hollocks strange but beautiful sister, the goddess of lust and peace. She was called “Nice Big Tats”. It was said that the Goddess Tats looked like two beautiful women connected at the hip, Siamese style. Her greatest power was of course her incredible beauty and it was too said that if any mortal man looked at the Goddess he would fall instantly in love with her, and then realising that he was nothing more than a mortal who could never have his wicked way with her, would die on the spot with a broken heart.
Darse had heard of these legends about the Goddess and feared for his own heart. But there was some hope, for another of the legends spoke of an old monk called “Cupid Strat” who had taken a vow of celibacy and to prove his great stamina to everyone had decided he would approach the Goddess, looking her in the eye and telling her that her beauty would and could not affect him, and then as a final insult he would laugh a great booming roar of manliness in her face.
And so it was that the monk awaited Tats, and when she did appear before him he managed with his great willpower to resist her left side. But unfortunately the strain of doing this was very great, and as he gazed at her right side he could not resist the temptation to ogle, and in that one moment when his eyes met her right-sided eyes he fell instantly and deeply in love with her right side.
Cupid however did not die, years and years of training as a monk had taught him great physical endurance, as well as mental. But his lust was still high and he went to touch the right side of Tats (a very sacred act for a mortal). As he touched her a curse fell upon him which would mean that for the rest of his life he would resemble the right hand side of the Goddess, whose skin was a deep lush emerald green and whose hair was long and ruby red. He watched helplessly in horror as his own hair and skin changed in this way.
And so it was that the unfortunate Cupid was forced to walk the earth looking like this with people pointing and saying, “Look there. There goes that bloke who felt up a goddess…Doesn’t he look like a complete and utter right Tat.”
Darse took careful note of the story and once he had heard it fully a brilliant and cunning plan formed in his head. And so it was that in the end a mortal man defeated the great Goddess by using a simple blindfold.
However, it was the volcano God “Fok” who would finally defeat Darse. All of these Gods would be forgotten through time t
hough their names would live on.
The tragic end of Darse came about as he ventured over to the massive volcano “Ne-Galls Era-on-Pire” were the evil Fok lived. The legend went that the only way a mortal could defeat Fok and kill him, was to disbelieve in him. If you failed to disbelieve in him then your soul would be sucked out from your body were it would follow Fok down into his volcano and into the very depths of Hell. This was a huge problem for Darse as to disbelieve in a God you would have to not believe in all Gods, and in any and every sort of magic. And seeing as of how Darse had used magic and certain parts of him were made from it, this task for him was quite impossible.
Alas, so it was that when Darse came into the presence of Fok he was not able to disbelieve him and his soul was wrenched from his body and down into Hell. When Darse had realised what had happened and looked around to see where he was, he could only see the burning fires of Hell and a smiling Fok. Darse began to pray to his God and beg for his life and soul. The warriors final words before an eternity of pain were: "Oh please God, save me, save me from Fok…oh Fok…oh Fok in Hell."
THE END