He strokes my cheek with his finger with an amused glint in his eyes. “Why are you blushing?”
I shrug, trying to play it cool. “Am I?”
His lips tug into a cocky smirk. “You are.”
“Maybe I’m just a little—”
His lips crash against mine, sending a flurry of passion through my body. But the ache inside my heart still remains.
“Carter,” I breathlessly whisper against his lips. “I’m sorry you had to go through what you did.”
His chest rises and crashes as he rests his forehead against mine, breathing raggedly. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault.”
“I know but you never should’ve had to suffer through any of the things that you did.” Leaning back, I take his hand and place a delicate kiss on the scar.
A breath fumbles from his lips and then he moves in to kiss me again, softly, slowly, as if we have all the time in the world, which we don’t. But at the moment, I don’t care.
We kiss for what feels like hours, our hands wandering all over each other, our limbs tangling. We kiss until my lips feel swollen, until I’m breathless, until I forget where I am and who I am and everything going on around me. I get lost, consumed by him.
“Do you know how much I’ve dreamt about kissing you like this?” he whispers as he paves wonderfully warm kisses down my neck, across my collarbone, and to the collar of my shirt.
“Probably not, since up until a few weeks ago, I thought you hated me—” I gasp and thread my fingers through his hair as he grazes his teeth along my collarbone.
He chuckles at the breathy whimper that escapes my lips and then he gently sinks his teeth into the side of my neck, gently biting my skin. “Does that feel good?” he teases.
“Kind of,” I lie because it feels really good. Really, really good.
“Liar,” he teases under his breath. Then he gently bites down on my neck again, sucking on the skin until I’m gasping so profusely I can barely keep my lungs functioning.
“Carter,” a pleading whimper leaves my lips. I don’t even know what I’m begging for.
Groaning, he moves away, but only to seal his lips to mine. His hands skim down across my chest, along my stomach, and to the hem of my shorts. His tongue parts my lips as he undoes the button and then his hand dips inside of my shorts.
He pushes back. “Is this okay? I don’t want to push you into doing something you don’t really want to do, especially with everything going on.”
My heart races. I’m not sure if I’m ready to go there yet, if I want to go that far, mostly because I’m scared and nervous. But I find myself nodding anyway. Who the heck knows why, other than maybe the girl with a crush on Carter side of me wants this. Badly.
Then he’s kissing me again as he slips a finger inside me. Soft whimpers fumble from my lips as I clasp onto his shoulder blades, trying to hold on to reality. But eventually, I just let go.
And fall.
And fall.
And fall.
To the most breathtaking place ever.
By the time I return to reality, I’m breathing heavily and Cater is staring down at me like I’m the most fascinating person who’s ever existed.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I wonder as I work to regain my breathing.
“Because you’re beautiful.” He says the words so simply, as if it’s a given.
And I want to believe him, see myself how he says he sees me, but I still don’t think I’m quite there yet. It doesn’t really matter, though. Whether I’m beautiful or not isn’t going to help me take down Gregor, Nicholas, and Winston.
“I like seeing you like that.” He tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. When I blush, he grins.
“Enough to put me in your fuck chest?” I tease, trying to get the upper hand.
He shakes his head, playfully glaring at me. “For the record, it’s not a fuck chest. It was more of a little black book than anything. And I didn’t even hook up with most of the women in those photos.”
“It doesn’t really matter. I’m just teasing you.”
“Yeah, but I don’t want you thinking I fucked all of them.”
“Why? It’s in the past.”
“Yeah, but that’s not really who I am and I need you to know that. That the guy you thought you knew, didn’t really exist.” He nibbles on his bottom lip. “And I want you to know that you’re the only girl who’s ever made me feel this way.”
My heart pitter patters in my chest. “What way?”
He considers his next words carefully. “Like I’m falling.”
“You feel that too?” I whisper.
He nods and then slowly lowers his head. “I have for a while—”
“All right, you two, open up!” El shouts as she bangs on the door. “I need to make sure you’re both alive and that I don’t need to report a murder.”
Carter grunts in frustration while I bust up laughing.
“She’s such a pain in the ass,” he grumbles, shaking his head.
“She just cares about us.” I give him one more kiss before pulling away. “We should probably let her in so you can tell her about Winston.”
“Just a few minutes longer,” he begs and then kisses me again before I can answer.
I wouldn’t have said no anyway.
A few more minutes turns into several and several might have turned into hours if El didn’t start banging on the door again.
Cursing in frustration, Carter sits up, zips up my shorts, and does up the button. Then he brushes his lips against mine, stands up, and pulls me to my feet.
“You’re going to tell her, right?” I ask as we head toward the door. “About Winston being her father, I mean.”
Carter exhales deafeningly. “Yeah, I guess I should, shouldn’t I?”
I nod and give his hand a squeeze. “It’ll be okay. El’s pretty tough, like you.”
He offers me a small smile and then kisses me again before answering the door.
“About freaking time,” El says. “I seriously thought one of you was dead.”
“Well, we’re not,” Carter replies, still grasping my hand.
El more than notices too. “So, I take it things went well during your private talk?” she asks, glancing between the two of us.
Carter looks at me. “I know they did for me, but I’ll let Ens speak for herself.” He stares at me, as if eager to hear my answer.
“Things went great.” For some stupid reason, I blush.
Carter more than notices and, with a chuckle, leans in and places a soft kiss against my cheek. “You’re adorable.”
“Don’t start with that again,” I warn, wagging my finger at him.
“Fine, then.” He battles back a grin. “You’re cute.”
I dramatically roll my eyes. “And you’re annoying.”
His lips tilt into a lopsided grin. “Adorably annoying, you mean.”
“Oh my God.” El makes an exaggerated gagging noise. “Is this how you two are going to be now that you’re dating?”
Dating? Are we dating now? Does it even matter with everything else going on?
“Yeah it is, so get used to it,” Carter replies, unintentionally answering my questioning thoughts.
But more questions instantly flood my mind.
Wait, do I want to date Carter?
Yeah, I really, really do.
El goofily grins at me like she can completely read my mind. I stare her down hard, silently begging her to shush. “So, why were you guys in there for so long?” Her grin magnifies.
“We were just talking,” I lie, giving her a dirty look.
“Sure you were.” She rolls her eyes.
“We were,” I insist. Well, for part of the time. “And actually, Carter needs to talk to you about something.”
Her smile fades as her forehead crinkles. “Why?”
I give Carter’s hand an encouraging squeeze and he sighs.
“I need to tell you something important.??
? He untangles his fingers from mine and walks back into the room.
“What? Does he want me to follow him?” El seems utterly perplexed.
I nod. “He needs to tell you something important.” I give her a hug. “I’ll be outside if you need me.”
“Okay…” She sounds lost but steps into the room anyway.
I leave and shut the door, giving the two of them some privacy. When I step outside, I spot Gaige sitting on the hood of El’s car, smoking a joint. And Holden is nowhere to be seen, something I’m sort of grateful for.
Maybe I can talk to Gaige about our plan now.
I cross the gravel parking lot, hiking toward him, wrapping my arms around myself. The only light comes from a few neon signs on the motel and the stars and moon are shining in the sky. The darkness creeps me out, but that might be more because the mafia is after me.
I hoist myself onto the hood beside Gaige. “So, where’s my bodyguard?”
He passes me the joint. “He wandered off in that direction,” he hitches his thumb over his shoulder, “About twenty minutes ago. I have no idea where he went and honestly, I didn’t care enough to ask.”
“Some bodyguard he is,” I joke then put the joint to my lips and take a hit.
He rests back on his elbows. “Yeah, well, at least you have me.”
I take another hit and then lean back, debating how to approach what Carter and I talked about—about changing the way Fareland works. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Do you ever… Do you ever wish you weren’t born into this life?”
“All the time,” he admits, turning his head toward me. “How about you? How are you doing with everything?”
“Honestly?” Smoke snakes from my lips as I exhale, “I fucking hate it… So does Carter.”
“Really?” he questions. “Then why is he so mixed up in everything?”
I shrug. “It’s a long story, but I know he does hate it. And he wants to change it.”
His reaches for the joint. “Change what?”
God, I hope I can trust him. “Change the way Fareland works and put people like Gregor behind bars.”
He chokes on the hit he takes. “You want to take down Gregor?” He pounds his chest as he coughs.
I give a nervous nod. “And not just Gregor, but all of the mafia too.”
He silently stares at me, smoke lacing the air, and I can’t read him at all, causing fear to spike through me. But I press on, reminding myself that this is Gaige, my friend, not a mafia baby offspring.
“And we want you to help us.”
“Take down the mafia?” he asks blankly.
I nod, getting more uneasy by the second. “And all of their businesses.”
“And how do you plan on doing that?” He hands me the joint.
“I haven’t gotten that far yet, although Carter came up with a few ideas.” I let the smoke burn away my fear. “I have to do something, though. I won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t try to stop what my father’s been doing.” The images of those girls I saw on the website flood my thoughts and my hands begin to tremble with rage.
He restlessly drums his fingers against his knees. “You’ll never be able to do it by yourself.”
“I know, that’s why I want you to help me. Well, me and Carter and El if she agrees to help. But knowing El, I’m sure she will.”
“I’m sure she will too,” Gaige agrees, nodding. “But that’s not enough. If you want to take down all the corruption in Fareland, you’re going to need a fucking army.”
“Oh.” Reality smashes against my lungs.
How am I ever going to do this?
“I may know a way to get some more people to help us.” He lowers his feet to the ground and slips off the hood of the car. “But everyone would have to be one hundred percent committed before I go into the details.”
“I am and so is Carter.” I hop off the hood and stand beside him. “We can ask El, but I’m sure she will be.”
He bobs his head up and down, takes the joint from me, and inhales. “Fuck, I can’t believe I’m even talking about doing this. I’ve thought about it a lot—about stopping all the fucked up shit going on in Fareland—but I’ve never had the balls to even speak about it aloud. And then there’s you. Three days of living in this world and you’re already ready to try to stop them.”
“I think it’s different for people born into this world, though,”’ I tell him, wondering if Gaige’s father treats him the same way as Carter’s does. “You guys learn from an early age to fear the men in charge. I haven’t had that fear put into me yet.”
“Still, you’re very brave, Ens. You always have been.”
“And you’ve always been such a good friend.”
“Even though I never told you my dad was in the mafia?” he questions.
“We all have our secrets.” I scuff the tip of my boot against the dirt. “Besides, I’m sure you were sworn to secrecy.”
He positions the joint between his lips. “I was, but how did you know?”
I give a one-shoulder shrug. “I watch a lot of movies.”
He laughs, the sound carrying across the night. “Well, just so you know, the movies aren’t always right.”
“So you guys don’t cut off people’s fingers to torture them?”
“I haven’t, but I’m sure my dad has.” He sinks into silence as he takes another hit off the joint. “Ens, I want to make sure you want to do this. It’s going to be dangerous and if we get caught…” He doesn’t finish. And he doesn’t have to. Carter already painted a pretty clear picture of what the consequences will be if we get caught.
“I know what the dangers are.” I square my shoulders. “And I’m still in.”
Smoke clouds around his face as he exhales. “I’m kind of glad we’re—”
“You know, you guys might want to be a little more careful about where you have those kinds of conversations.” Holden appears from the darkness, stepping out of the trees, and into the moonlight, revealing the smile on his face.
And the gun in his hand.
Ten
Gaige
I’ve never been happy before, but I’m pretty sure I was close to being upbeat when I agree to help Ens. I’d let my fear own me for too long—I’ve known this for a while. I just wish I’d been braver sooner.
Redemption.
I suddenly saw redemption in my future. For what I’d done and hadn’t done. For standing by and not saving her.
Her name was Willa Lynn and we were best friends since we were eight. We were inseparable, which meant she spent a lot of time at my house. She even witnessed my father in one of his more finer moments, drunk off his ass and threatening to beat the shit out of me. I made her swear not to tell anyone, that my father would kill both of us if she did. Even though she didn’t want to, she agreed to keep her lips sealed.
After that, we started spending more time at her place, even though her parents weren’t fans of me coming over. Willa said not to take it personally, though. That they hated anyone coming over. Still, I went there almost every day after school. It was the only time I could see her since she was home schooled. I liked seeing her. Looked forward to it. She gave me a moment of peace in the chaos that constantly filled my life. But she was stolen away from me on her fourteenth birthday. The day she disappeared. The day I betrayed her by not speaking up before she ever vanished.
See, the thing is, I overheard a lot of fucked up shit while growing up. So when I heard my father talking to another mafia member about this girl they were scoping out in the neighborhood, I didn’t think much about it. Honestly, I thought they were just talking about some woman my dad was going to have an affair with. He did that a lot—scoped out a woman he was interested in before finding a way to enter her life so he could fuck her over both metaphorically and literally.
But then the next day Willa vanished and I have this awful feeling my dad might have had something to do with it, espe
cially since I’d seen his car parked near her house the night before.
I made the stupid mistake of asking him about it, which resulted in me getting my ass beat. He never did deny his involvement, though, instead laughing and saying that it didn’t matter. That he could get away with anything. As if he thought he was God.
I tried to go to the police, but he found out as I was heading there and I ended up in the hospital for over a week with a couple of broken ribs, a broken arm, and a concussion. Besides, if the mafia was involved in Willa’s disappearance, the cops wouldn’t do anything about it. It’s just how things work. The mafia buys enough of them off that they rarely get into trouble. And when they do, people like El’s dad step in.
I did send Willa’s mom an anonymous letter, telling her my theory. I don’t know if she ever did anything about it, though. All I know is that Willa’s parents moved away from Fareland a few years ago.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her, especially today when I got on that site and saw the photos of those women. Part of me has always wondered if that’s where Willa ended up. I’ve heard rumors that sometimes some of the members of the Fareland mafia sell women to Gregor, but I don’t have any proof. But helping Ens with her plan could give me the opportunity to get some proof. Get some redemption. And maybe, possibly, find Willa.
But that possibility starts to float away to the fucking goddamn stars as Holden steps out from the trees with a gun in his hand.
At first I wonder if maybe I’m imagining things. I have smoked a lot of weed over the last hour. But Ens is staring at him too.
Fuck, we’re so screwed.
No, I can’t give up yet.
I latch on to the possibility and in one swift movement, draw out my gun.
Holden simply laughs. “Gaige, Gaige, Gaige,” he tsks me. “I know you don’t have the balls to shoot me.”
I inch in front of Ens and point the gun at his chest. “Wanna bet?”
Ens starts to move out from behind me, but I throw out my free arm and hold her back.
“Yeah, I do.” Holden takes a sluggish step toward us, as if he doesn’t have a care in the world. “You don’t have the killer instinct.”