Dan’s shoulder hit the doorframe and he rebounded, stumbling into the bathroom. He dropped to his knees and immediately began vomiting into the toilet – the intense spasms an eye-widening shock. His elbows came up onto the seat and he rested his head in his palms, seeing spots of faint brown splattered down his shirt.
Dawn was breaking through the window to his side and the events of the previous night, only hours before, already seemed a dream. Feet approached on the carpet from the bedroom and he slowly turned his head. Ruth appeared in the doorway wearing her white nightgown, a blank face and gently gripped her thick lapel under her neck.
‘Where have you been?’ she asked.
He looked down at the bowl, into the mess. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I’ve been drinking.’
He knew, after what had happened in past months, she would not wear this continuing trend.
‘What in God’s name has happened to you, Daniel?’
He looked up, saw her pupils circling his face. She seemed not to recognise him.
He looked down at the seat. ‘It’s me, darling’ he said. ‘It’s still me.’
‘Is it?’ she said. ‘Help me to understand this time.’
But there was nothing more to say. His eyes closed and he rested his forehead down on the seat. He had been feeling ill since the bar and guessed he may even need to go to hospital.
‘Daniel, is this connected with Jay?’
He slowly nodded. ‘I guess,’ he said.
She waited. ‘There are things you can’t tell me, aren’t there?’ she said. ‘Why did you do that?’ She stepped back into the hall, made a slow but full 360 degree turn then looked at him. ‘I tell you what,’ she said, pointing her finger. ‘I’ll make you a deal. I will not probe any further about where you have been and what you did, if only you promise to finally end this obsession with Jay.’ She paused. ‘I mean it Daniel – end it. This is a bargain.’
She was giving him the only way out and he knew it. He rubbed his face and his skin felt numb and cold. He thought about Ofelia and how he had wanted to hold her just hours ago. Then, he remembered what people had done to her. He was angry, then, just as suddenly, sad because he couldn’t do anything about it. His soul ached from what he had seen and heard – not just from the night before, but from the stories of Ned, Joe and from his whole career counselling. He had had enough.
What’s more, he had almost slipped up with the most common of mistakes with Ofelia. He sat down on the floor and rested his head back against the wall. Yes, it was time.
‘I give you my word,’ he said. ‘I will no longer seek him out.’ He knew this time he meant it. ‘I hate people,’ he whispered. He reached up and wiped a wet line from his eyes.
Ruth hesitated. ‘No, you don’t hate people, Daniel,’ she said quietly. ‘You love them, but you know if you continue to mix with the dysfunctional, you too will learn the sad heart. I don’t want that sadness in my house. You must let them go.’
His eyes looked down into the bowl. He knew he was accepting the wisdom of what she had said and, to his surprise, already felt his heart slowly easing. He now knew he was finally releasing them, even Jay, and began to feel there was light at the end of his tunnel. ‘I was learning so much,’ he whispered.
‘But, Ofelia was right,’ he thought. There are no answers out there, only further confusion. Meeting Ofelia was a lesson – that sometimes information can be a burden. It was time to retreat and batten down the hatches. The truth about Jay, he knew, was not obtainable. It was time to follow the advice he had given others and just give in.