„That’s no excuse. You told me things – “
„They were all true,“ Lowell Kincaid said, giving her a level glance. „But I will not assume responsibility for what you did to the facts with your imagination.“
Sara grimaced. „When I found myself realizing this afternoon that my only chance for surviving lay with Adrian, I knew who he was. I also knew that whatever he had been, he was now the man I loved. You were right about him. He’s the kind of man you can count on when the chips are down. Why did you sketch that wolf’s head on the manuscript?“
„I was just doodling. It was natural that I’d be thinking about Wolf when I read the tale of Phantom.“
„I suppose so. It put me on the wrong track altogether, though. I thought it was Wolf you had gone after.“ Sara fell silent for a moment. „I guess I’ll go to bed, too.“
„You do that,“ her uncle murmured blandly.
She shot him a half-humorous, half-rueful glance. „Going to throw your favorite niece to the wolf?“
„Wolves take care of their own.“ Lowell got up and headed across the room to the brandy bottle. „Good night, Sara.“
She went over to him and hugged him affectionately. „Good night, Uncle Lowell. I’m so glad you’re safe.“
„Not half as glad as I am that you’re okay. Guess I owe Adrian for that.“
Sara said nothing. She merely smiled and walked down the hall toward Adrian’s bedroom with a deep sense of certainty.
Lying in bed, his arms folded behind his head, Adrian stared into the darkness and listened to the sound of Sara’s footsteps. He waited for them to stop outside her bedroom door, and when she didn’t even pause he tensed.
It would be best if she stayed in her own room, he told himself. Quickly, silently, he ran down a list of why she shouldn’t open his door tonight. Too much had happened today and she was inclined to be emotional. She was also inclined to be impulsive. She needed time to sort out her feelings. He didn’t want her coming to him without having had time to absorb the full implications of what she had learned about him today. She might be feeling sorry for him. She might have convinced herself he needed her and she was too compassionate to deny him comfort. He didn’t want her pity.
So many reasons, he thought savagely. So many excellent reasons why he should send her back to her own room if she dared to open the door.
She turned the doorknob and stepped inside. Adrian looked at her as she stood silhouetted against the light and knew that he could never find the willpower to send her back. He needed her warmth too badly tonight. It had been so cold today.
„Asleep, Adrian?“ she asked softly, shutting the door and coming forward into the shadowed room.
„No.“
„You must be exhausted.“
„Umm.“
There was a rustle of clothing as she undressed. He saw the pale gleam of her bare shoulder and then the lighter area of her hip as she stepped out of the jeans.
„I’m a little tired myself,“ she admitted softly as she walked naked to the bed.
„Sara…“ He tried to say the words that should be said, tried to explain why she shouldn’t be there. But she was pulling back the comforter and slipping in beside him and the logical phrases disintegrated in his throat. The warmth and softness of her as she reached out to hold him were a temptation and that was far more difficult to resist than all the gold in Southeast Asia.
„Don’t worry,“ she whispered huskily. „I won’t be making any demands on you tonight. We’ve both had a hard day.“ She stroked her fingers through his hair, soothing the nape of his neck.
„Sara, it’s not that, it’s just… Oh, Sara, hold me. Put your arms around me and hold me.“
She did, cradling him even as he pulled her tightly into the curve of his body. Adrian inhaled the familiar, enticing scent that was uniquely hers, knew the incredible comfort of her touch, felt the shape of her locked securely in his arms and relaxed for the first time since the day had dawned. Now he would be able to sleep. *
Hours later he awoke to the light of dawn and the knowledge of what he must do. A part of him resisted the knowledge even though another side of him realized it was the only sure way. It was best to do things the sure way, he reminded himself. Careful, cautious, certain. He had spent the past year carefully, cautiously, certainly pulling himself back together. He knew about patience. He knew about being sure.
It would be tricky trying to teach those skills to the warm, frequently impulsive woman who lay curled so contentedly in his arms. But it was the only way. Above all else he wanted her to know exactly how she felt about him.
No games. Not even the kind played out of pity or compassion. Especially not those.
Adrian didn’t move as he lay beside Sara. He was almost afraid of disturbing her because once she came awake he would have to explain his decision. He preferred to steal these last few minutes of closeness and warmth, make them last as long as possible. A wolf, he thought wryly, took whatever he could get.
Sara opened her eyes slowly, aware of Adrian’s arm around her, his hand resting possessively on her breast. She lay still for a moment, letting herself realize fully just how good it felt to lie next to him. It felt right. A sense of deep certainty settled on her. It was unlike any emotion she had ever known. She was in love with Adrian Saville. She had known it since yesterday.
It didn’t surprise her that love would arrive like this. Such an emotion, when it finally came into her life, was bound to happen in just this manner. For someone like her there was no other way. Quick, impulsive, but absolutely right. She knew real gold when she found it. Lazily she stretched, a serene, confident expression in her eyes as she turned to meet Adrian’s steady gaze.
„Good morning,“ she murmured, touching her mouth lightly to his. „How did you sleep?“
He blinked, his features holding a trace of surprise as he thought about the question. „Solidly.“ His hand moved on her, following the curve of her thigh. „Thanks to you.“
„Good.“ Feeling vastly pleased with herself, Sara stretched again, this time bringing her body quite deliberately against his. „I’m glad I’m useful for something. I felt like such a fool yesterday when I walked straight into Vaughn’s hands.“
Adrian didn’t respond to the invitation of her languid stretch. In fact, she decided, he seemed almost tense. Not at all like a man who’d had a good night’s sleep.
„It wasn’t your fault,“ he told her. „Anyone would have been fooled by the recording. I’ve heard tapes scrambled from other tapes. They can sound very real. But you kept your head. You got him back here.“
„I knew you would be coming back and that you could handle everything,“ she said.
„How long have you known?“ He watched her with cool eyes.
Sara knew the coolness was deceptive. She also knew the real question he was asking. She knew him very well now, Sara decided. Reading Phantom had filled in many of the blanks a person normally encountered when learning about another human being. Her heart ached to replace what had originally occupied those blanks in his life.
„How long have I known that you were the man they used to call Wolf?“ There was no point in not being totally honest. „Since yesterday for certain. When Vaughn told me that Wolf had been a legend at one time but had not made it back from his last assignment – “
„Because I’d cracked,“ Adrian put in bluntly.
Sara refused to acknowledge his interruption. „I began to think about Phantom. About a man who had been to the brink and hung on instead of going completely over the edge. A man who had forced himself to survive when by all logic he should have been crushed. And then I thought about the way I feel safe around you…“
„Safe?“
She nodded. „I realized it that day at the Pike Place Market when you showed up just as Vaughn was about to coerce me into his car. And yesterday when I found myself trying to think of a way to deal with Vaughn. Something told me I only had to get
him back here. When you arrived I knew I would be safe again. There were lots of other little clues, of course. Your concern with the security of this house. The way you move. That sketch of my uncle’s. Even the way you play checkers. So intense and cool. Then there was your recent conversion to vegetarianism. Somehow that seemed symbolic. Something a carnivore might do if he were trying to put aside that aspect of his life. It all fit. Especially once I knew for certain that Vaughn wasn’t Wolf.“
„You had such a terrible image of Wolf,“ Adrian began heavily.
„By the time I realized you had once been Wolf, I was ready to throw the image out the window. I knew the real you by then.“ She smiled dreamily, loving him with her eyes.
Adrian’s face became remote. „I’m not so sure, Sara.“
„Not so sure of what?“
„That you know the real me.“ He stilled the protest that rose instantly to her lips by putting his fingers against her mouth. „Listen to me, Sara. I rushed you into bed that first time. The second time was too intense, too emotional because you knew I was leaving and you weren’t sure what was going to happen. We’ve been living in the eye of a storm ever since I walked into this house and found you in my study. There’s been no chance for you to get to know me in a normal fashion.“
Alarm flickered into life. Sara watched him intently. „Are you trying to tell me you aren’t sure how you feel about me, after all?“
He shook his head once, a quick, violent negative movement. „I know how I feel about you. I’ve been wanting you for months. You’ve been growing in my mind every day, taking shape, tantalizing me, until I knew I had to have you. But your uncle was right. There was something else I needed to do first.“
„Write Phantom.“
„That book was a final step in freeing myself, Sara.“
„I understand.“ And she did. Completely now.
„You were a goal, a treasure waiting for me after I had put the past behind me. I feel as though I’ve been getting to know you for months. Your uncle saw to that. But it didn’t work that way for you. You’ve only known me a few days and that time has been too intense, too dangerous and too emotional.“
„Falling in love is bound to be emotional!“ she put in quickly.
„Are you saying you think you’re in love with me?“ He searched her face.
„Yes.“ She spoke the single word with gentle assurance.
„Sara, you can’t know that!“
„You told me once that you would like me to love you,“ she reminded him.
His fingers tightened on her. „I want that very badly. But you have to be certain. You have to be sure. No games, Sara.“
„I’ve never played games with you.“
„How about with your own mind? Honey, it’s just too soon. You can’t possibly know how you feel. Not yet. Hell, up until yesterday, you’ve been thinking of Wolf as some kind of psychotic kilter. Now you’ve learned that Wolf and I are one and the same. You can’t tell me you’ve managed to adjust to that kind of news overnight!“
„I get the feeling I can’t tell you much of anything,“ she tossed back. „You’re not ready to listen to me. You’ve already decided the way things have to be, haven’t you?“ The alarm was coiling tightly in her as she began to see where his words were leading.
„Sara, I want you to have time to get to know me,“ he told her urgently. „This time around we’ll do it right.“
„I don’t understand!“ But she did and the realization panicked her.
Adrian continued forcefully, his certainty clear in every word. „Yes, you do, honey. We’re going to do it right. I want you to have a chance to make absolutely certain of your feelings. The next time you tell me you love me I want you to have had plenty of opportunity to think through just what you’re saying.“
Sara pulled free of him, sitting up with the sheet held to her breast. Her hair swung in a soft tangle around her shoulders as she stared at him. „Are you sending me away?“ Her voice sounded odd. She was clinging to more than the sheet. She was hanging on to her control with both hands.
Slowly Adrian sat up beside her, his eyes almost colorless. He was committed to finishing what he had started, Sara realized. She would not be able to reason with him this morning.
„We’re going to start a normal relationship,“ be said.
„What’s normal? Adrian, you of all people should know by now that life is short and highly uncertain. We’ve found something wonderful together. Why should we waste time? Please don’t do this.“ The plea was all wrong, she thought. She was letting her emotions rule her tongue. Adrian wouldn’t trust her to know her own feelings if she did that. He didn’t trust emotions.
„I’m not sending you to Outer Mongolia,“ he said.
„No? Then where are you sending me?“
„I think it would be best if you went back to San Diego.“
„San Diego! But I don’t even have a job there!“
„You’ve got your apartment, don’t you? If s still your home.“
She groped for an argument. „What about you? Are you just going to sit around here until you figure I’ve had enough time to know my own mind? Adrian, that doesn’t make any sense. I’m an adult. I already know how I feel.“
„I’m going to come and see you. Call you. Sara, I’m going to court you, don’t you understand? I’m going to give you plenty of time – “
„How much?“ she challenged.
He looked blank. „How much what?“
„How much time, damn it!“
„I don’t know.“ He frowned. „However long it takes, I suppose.“
„That’s not fair, Adrian. If you’re going to sentence me to exile, you have to at least put a time limit on it. Give me a date. One week? One year? I want a date.“
„Sara, you’re getting hysterical.“
The worst part was that she knew he was right. She was losing her self-control. It was the shock, Sara decided. The shock of waking up in love and being told by Adrian that he wasn’t ready for her love. Sara gulped air, swallowing sobs of anger and panic. The more emotional she became, the less Adrian would trust her to know what she really wanted. For the sake of their future, she had to get hold of herself.
„Yes,“ she whispered, sliding off the edge of the bed. She looked around a little frantically for something to wear and finally saw her shirt on the floor where she had left it last night. „Yes, you’re quite right. I’m getting emotional.“ Her fingers fumbled with the buttons but she managed to get the shirt on. Then she picked up her jeans with hands that still trembled. Adrian never took his eyes off of her.
„Sara, honey, listen to me.“
She shook her head. „No, no, I’m all right. I understand. You don’t fully trust intense emotions because you learned once that they can take you to the edge of the disaster. I should have realized that after reading Phantom. That was the lesson you learned when you went through with that last mission and then disappeared, wasn’t it? Your emotional response to your work nearly got you killed. You kept yourself so tightly leashed and under such control for so long that in the end you almost came apart when the explosion occurred. That’s why you talk in terms of appreciating life’s pleasures. Anything stronger than pleasure might be dangerous.“
Adrian got slowly to his feet, completely unconcerned with his nakedness. „I just want you to be sure of how you feel,“ he repeated stubbornly.
She got her jeans zipped and lifted her head to meet his eyes. „You want to be sure of everything. Sure of the security of your house, sure of me, sure of your own self-control. Well, go ahead and make sure, Adrian. Being absolutely sure of things seems to be one of the few pleasures you get out of life. Who am I to deny you?“
Whirling, Sara fled from the room.
Chapter Eleven
Adrian’s version of a courtship, Sara decided a month later, was going to drive her slowly insane.
Over and over again she told herself that he was the one who needed
the time. Time to be sure of her. She would give him that. After all, she loved him; she would give him anything he asked. But how long would the farce continue, she wondered dismally.
„Farce“ was hardly the most respectful term for Adrian’s courtship, but it was the one that came to Sara’s mind most often during the torturous, contrived, carefully choreographed weekends. True to his word Adrian flew down to San Diego every Friday evening. He spent Saturday and Sunday with her and then flew home to his island.
Sara’s hopes for the first weekend were dashed when he checked into a motel near her apartment and continued to retreat to it every evening of his stay. The other weekends were no different. He took her to dinner, shows, the zoo and the beach. But he never took her to bed.
In fact, he rarely touched her with any intimacy at all. That was the part that was beginning to drive her out of her mind, Sara realized. She was left with a feeling of genuine panic every Sunday evening when she saw him off at the airport. Perhaps he wasn’t capable of making the final step of total commitment. She knew he wanted her, knew he took pleasure in her company but he had convinced himself that she didn’t understand her own feelings.
What she really feared, Sara decided, was that he didn’t understand the depths of his own feelings for her. He was afraid to surrender completely to the force of his emotions.
They would be fierce and intense, the emotions of a strong man who had much to give once he had accepted the power of his own nature. But he had learned the hard way that there was a risk in losing some of his self-control. She yearned to set him completely free, to urge him to take a risk both on her and on himself but there was no way to break through the controlled facade. On Monday morning after the fourth weekend Sara acknowledged that Adrian had established the rules and he was going to force her to play by them.
Bad analogy, she told herself wryly as she fixed coffee with her imported Italian espresso machine. Adrian didn’t like anything that smacked of game playing. She stared morosely out at the palm tree in front of her kitchen window and thought of the carefully restrained kiss she had received at the airport the previous evening.