The Wallypug in London.]
CHAPTER I
HIS MAJESTY AND SUITE ARRIVE
A most extraordinary thing has happened; the Wallypug has been toLondon! But there, I am forgetting that possibly you have never read_The Wallypug of Why_, in which case you will, of course, know nothingabout his Majesty, and so I had better explain to you who, and what,he is.
To begin with, then, he is a kind of king of a place called Why, whichadjoins the mysterious kingdom of Zum. I am afraid, though, that ifyou searched your atlases for a very long while you might not findeither of these places, for the geographers are so undecided as totheir exact position that they have not shown them on the maps at all.Some little friends of mine, named Girlie and Boy, have been there,however, and I can tell you, if you like, the way they went. This isthe way to Why:
Just go to bed and shut your eyes And count one hundred, one by one; Perhaps you'll find to your surprise That you're at Why when this is done.
I say _perhaps_, because this only happens when you have beenparticularly good all day, and _sometimes_ boys and girls are notquite as good as they--but there, I won't say what I was going to, forI am quite sure that it would not apply to you. This is the way toZum:
Not when the moon is at its full, But just a tiny boat-shaped thing, You _may_ see Pierrot sitting there And hear the little fellow sing. If so, just call him, and he'll come And carry you away to Zum.
There, now, I've told you the way to go to both places, so that, ifyou wish to, you can go there whenever you please.
I am telling you all this because one day in the spring Girlie andBoy, who live in another part of London, came to see me, and we hadbeen talking about these things for about the hundredth time, I shouldthink: for these children are never tired of telling me of all thestrange things which happened to them when they journey to thesewonderful places. In fact they were just arguing as to which was themost interesting place to go to, Why or Zum, when my housekeeper, Mrs.Putchy, came to the door with the unwelcome news that the carriage hadcome for my little friends, and that it was time to say good-bye.After they had gone I sat staring into the fire wondering where Whycould be, and if there was really such a person as the Wallypug, whenmy little dog Dick, who had been lying on the rug before the fire,suddenly jumped up, and barking excitedly, ran to the other end of thestudy, where a picture, which I had bought the day before at anauction sale, stood leaning against the wall. Now this picture hadbeen sold very cheap, because no one could tell at all what it wasabout, it was so old and dusty, and the colours were so dark andindistinct. I had bought it hoping that it might prove valuable,and there it stood till it could be sent to be cleaned and restored.Imagine my surprise then, when, on following Dick across the study, Idiscovered that the colours in the picture had all become bright, andwere working one into the other in the most remarkable way, redrunning into green, and blue into yellow, while a little patch ofblack in the centre of the picture was whirling round and round inquite a distracting manner. What could it all mean? I stared andwondered, till, out of the confusion, there gradually grew shapeswhich bore some resemblance to human beings, and, presently, I couldrecognize quite distinctly, first a young man in knee breeches,smiling in a particularly self-satisfied way, and escorting a largefish, who was walking upright, with slippers on his tail, and whowore a waistcoat and necktie. Then an amiable-looking old gentleman,carrying a wand, who was followed by a curious little person, wearinga crown and carrying an orb and sceptre. A particularly stiff andwooden-looking soldier stood at the back of this strange group. Judgeof my amazement when, quite as a matter of course, the whole partydeliberately stepped out of the picture into the room, and, before Icould realize what had happened, the old gentleman with the wand cameforward with a flourish and an elaborate bow, and announced:
"A-hem! his Majesty the Wallypug of Why and suite."
WITH SLIPPERS ON HIS TAIL]
I was so astonished that for the moment I could not think what to say,but at last I managed to stammer, as I made a low bow to theWallypug:
"I am delighted to make your Majesty's acquaintance."
The Wallypug smiled very affably, and held out his hand.
"I have come up for the Jubilee, you know," he said.
"_We've_ come up, you mean to say, Wallypug," corrected the oldgentleman with the wand, frowning somewhat severely. "I am theWallypug's professional adviser," he continued. "I am called theDoctor-in-Law--allow me to introduce the rest of our party. This," hewent on, bringing the young man with the self-satisfied smile forward,"is the Jubilee Rhymester from Zum; he hopes to become a minor poet intime. And this," indicating the wooden-looking soldier, "is SergeantOne-and-Nine, also from Zum." Here the Doctor-in-Law took me aside andwhispered in my ear, "Slightly cracked, crossed in love; speaks verypeculiarly; capital chap though." Then crossing to where the Fish wasstanding, he said, "And this is A. Fish, Esq., the celebrated lectureron the 'Whichness of the What as compared with the Thatness of theThus.' He desired to accompany us here in order to find materialfor a new lecture which he is preparing upon the 'Perhapness of theImprobable.' He's awfully clever," he whispered impressively.
"HIS MAJESTY THE WALLYPUG"]
"I'm sure I'm delighted to see you all," I said, shaking hands witheach one till I came to the Fish, who held out a fin. "Er-er-how doyou do?" I stammered, somewhat taken aback by this strange proceeding.
"Quide well with the egscebtiod of a slide cold id by head," said theFish. "I'b subjecd to theb, you doe. It's beig id the water so butch,I fadcy," and he _smiled_.
I don't know if you have ever seen a fish smile, but if not I may tellyou that it is a very curious sight.
"I suppose you can manage to put us up here for a month or two?"calmly suggested the Doctor-in-Law after a pause.
"Dear me," I exclaimed in alarm, "I don't think my housekeeper couldpossibly--"
"Why not ask her?" suggested the Doctor-in-Law, touching the bell.
A moment or two afterwards a knock at the door announced that Mrs.Putchy was there.
"Oh, Mrs. Putchy," I said, stepping just outside, "these gentlemen,er--that is to say, his Majesty the Wallypug of Why and suite, havehonoured me with a visit, and I am anxious if possible to offer themsuch hospitality as my poor home affords. Do you think that we couldmanage anyhow to find room for them, for a few days at any rate?"
Now Mrs. Putchy is a very remarkable woman, and I have never known herto show the slightest surprise at anything, and, so far from seemingalarmed at the prospect of having to entertain such notable visitors,she seemed positively delighted.
"His Majesty of Why, sir? How charming! Of course we must do our best,and how fortunate that I put on my best gown to-day, isn't it? Dearme, and shall I be presented to his Majesty?"
"Certainly, Mrs. Putchy, if you wish it," I said. "In fact, if youwill call General Mary Jane, I will introduce you both, as yourepresent my entire household."
Mrs. Putchy disappeared, returning almost immediately, followed by theservant, General Mary Jane, with her mouth wide open, and accompaniedby the cat, who rejoices in the extraordinary name of Mrs. MehetableMurchison. These members of my household were duly presented to theWallypug. Mrs. Putchy made her curtsey with great dignity, but GeneralMary Jane was so overcome at the thought of being presented to royaltythat she fell flat on her hands and knees in her humility, while Mrs.Mehetable Murchison, realizing, no doubt, the truth of the old sayingthat "a cat may look at a king," went up and sharpened her claws onthe Wallypug's legs in the most friendly manner possible.
It was when the cat caught sight of A. Fish, Esq., that she completelylost her presence of mind, and with arched back and bristling furglared at him in amazement.
"Priddy pussy, cub alog thed," said the Fish, stooping down and tryingto stroke her with one of his fins; but Mrs. Mehetable Murchison, witha startled glance, tore out of the room, showing every sign of alarm.
"And she's so fond of fish too, as
a rule, ain't she, mum?" remarkedGeneral Mary Jane, who had somewhat overcome the awe with which shehad at first regarded the presence of royalty.
"Fod of fish?" repeated A. Fish, Esq., inquiringly. "What do youmead?"
"Why, you see, sir," explained Mrs. Putchy, "we often have fish fordinner--er--that is to say--er--a-hem!"
"PRIDDY PUSSY"]
The Fish was glaring at her in a horrified way, and Mrs. Putchy hadbecome quite nervous.
"Let's change the subject," suggested the Doctor-in-Law, to our greatrelief. "The most important question for the moment is, where are weall going to sleep?"
This gave Mrs. Putchy an opportunity for exercising her wonderfulability for management, and after arranging for the Wallypug to havethe spare bedroom, and the Doctor-in-Law to have my room, I was tohave a bed made up in the study, while the Jubilee Rhymester was tosleep in the attic, One-and-Nine was to have a box under the stairs,and there only remained A. Fish, Esq., to dispose of.
"There is the bathroom, mum," suggested General Mary Jane brilliantly;"we could put a lid on the bath and make up a bed there."
"Bedder sdill, fill id with wadter, ad thed I could sleeb _in_ id,"suggested the Fish.
"Oh yes, of course!" said Mrs. Putchy, "and now I must go and seeabout the supper." And, with a low curtsey to the Wallypug, theadmirable little woman hurried out, followed by General Mary Jane, whogave a nervous little bob when she reached the door.
They had scarcely disappeared before One-and-Nine came up to me andwhispered:
"I am muchly impressionated by that lady with the most militaryishname who has just gone out. Can you kindly inform me is shedetached?"
"Detached?" I inquired in bewilderment. "What ever do you mean?"
"If a person is not attached to anyone else, they are detached, Isuppose, are they not?" said One-and-Nine rather impatiently.
"Well, if you put it that way, I suppose they are," I replied,laughing. "You mean, has she a sweetheart? Well, really I don't know.I have an idea though that Mrs. Putchy does not allow followers."
"Then I shall considerize my prospectuousness with great hopefulosity!"remarked the soldier with considerable dignity, walking back to theWallypug's chair.
"What does he say?" asked the Jubilee Rhymester. "He is a little bitcracked, you know. Could you make out what he was driving at?"
"Oh, yes, I could understand within a little what he meant," Ireplied. "He seems to have fallen in love with General Mary Jane atfirst sight, from what I can gather."
"Really! Dear me! He is always doing that sort of thing, do you know,and he generally asks me to write poems for him when he gets into thatstate. I have written as many as 137 odes in one month on his behalf."
"Good gracious," I replied, "and does he pay you well for them?"
"Pay me!" exclaimed the Jubilee Rhymester, staring at me in surprise."Of course not. Do people ever get paid for writing poetry?"
"Why, yes, to be sure they do," I answered.
"Well, I've never heard of such a thing in all my life," said theJubilee Rhymester; "I always thought that poets had to pay to havetheir verses used at all, and that that was why they were always sopoor while they were alive. Of course I knew that people sometimesmade a fuss about them after they were dead, but I have never heardof such a thing as a live poet being paid for his work."
"Nonsense," I replied; "I believe that quite a lot of money issometimes paid by the magazines and other papers for poems andverses."
"Well, I am delighted to hear it," said the Jubilee Rhymester, "and Ishall certainly start writing to-morrow. I have no doubt whatever thatI shall make my fortune before I go back to Zum."
Shortly after this Mrs. Putchy announced that supper was served, anda little later my guests retired to rest, being thoroughly tired outwith their long journey. I sat up in my study a little while longer tosmoke a pipe, but was just thinking of going to bed when there was atap at the door and the Doctor-in-Law entered.
"I say, I thought I had better come and arrange with you about moneymatters," he said; "I didn't like to mention such things before theothers. Now then," he continued, "how much are you going to pay us forstaying with you?"
"Pay _you_!" I gasped. "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, you see, it will be a great thing for you to have suchdistinguished visitors, don't you know, and you ought to be quitewilling to pay liberally for the honour," said the Doctor-in-Law,smiling amiably.
Now Girlie had told me what a greedy, avaricious person theDoctor-in-Law really was, despite his benevolent appearance, but thiscool cheek almost took my breath away. I was determined, however, tolet him see at once that I was not to be imposed upon, so I said asfirmly as I could, "Now, look here, Mr. Doctor-in-Law, please understandonce and for all, that as you were all so kind to my little friendGirlie when she was at Why, I am quite willing to entertain his Majestythe Wallypug, and the rest of you, to the very best of my ability, butas for paying you for being here, the idea is absurd--impossible!"
"ID QUIDE GAVE BE A TURN"]
Just then a terrific hullabaloo in the passage caused us both to runto the door. We could hear that the noise proceeded from the bathroom,and, hurrying to the door, we found A. Fish, Esq., sitting up in thewater shouting for help, while Mrs. Mehetable Murchison and a wholegroup of her feline friends were out on the tiles, glaring through thewindow.
"Dear be, dear be," panted the Fish, when he saw us, "I'b sofrighteded, just look at all those cats. I had beed to sleeb ad wasjust dreabig that sobeone was sayig, 'Mrs. Behetable Burchison is _so_fod of fish, and we ofted have fish for didder,' whed I woke ub andsaw all those horrible cats lookig id ad the widdow; id quide gave bea turn. Do drive theb away please."
We soon did this, and, pulling down the blinds, we left A. Fish, Esq.,to his dreams and soon afterwards retired to rest ourselves.