“I’m not coming in the house when you’re all eating that shit!” he yelled from outside.
Steve pressed his face against the screen of the open kitchen window.
“I can’t even be in my own house!”
“Oh, don’t be so stupid, you don’t have to eat it,” said Martha.
“You know I can’t stand that smell!”
“Mmm, this is so good. Here have a taste,” Danielle said, holding a forkful of pasta and Parmesan cheese up to the screen.
“Get that smelly stuff away from me!”
Heather took the Parmesan container and lifted it to her mouth, shaking it until a substantial stream of shredded cheese flowed into her mouth.
“You are all assholes!” shouted Steve while gagging. “That stuff smells like dirty old socks!”
“You ought to know,” said Wanda, “as often as you wash yours!”
“You go ahead and eat your stinky shit,” he yelled over his shoulder, running away from the house. “I’m not coming back until you’re finished.”
“At least we know how to get rid of him,” said Danielle.
“Yeah, works every time,” said Wanda.
“What is his problem?” said Heather. “I can’t believe he hates it that much. You’d think we were eating dog shit or something.”
“Heather,” said Martha. “Don’t talk like that.”
“Oh, Grandma, for gosh sake, I hear you use ‘shit’ all the time.”
“Well, I’m not a young girl either.”
“You can say that again,” added Jed, walking into the kitchen.
“You hush up, Nut Head, you old fool! You’re the one that stole my youth.”
“What? Your youth couldn’t keep up with your antics. Don’t blame that on me.”
*
An hour later, an official-looking pickup truck turned onto the road leading down to the house.
“You people behave yourselves,” said Jed. “This could get very expensive, and I don’t want any of your shenanigans to upset this guy.” Jed headed quickly out the door.
“Hey, he’s kinda cute,” Wanda said, looking out the window. “Danielle, flash him your tits,” she yelled loud enough for Jed to hear.
Jed spun around. “This is exactly what I was talking about. I ask you to behave, and you just can’t.”
“Oh, lighten up, Jed. They’re just kidding,” yelled Martha.
*
“Jed LaFluers?” asked the man getting out of the county pickup. He was of a small stature but decent-looking. Jed wasted no time and shook the much smaller man’s hand vigorously.
“Look at Dad sucking up,” said Danielle. “Look, he’s even trying to hunch down so he’s not so tall.”
“Do you think if there was a hole nearby, he’d stand in it?” Wanda speculated.
“You bet your ass,” said Martha, laughing. “He’d stand on his head to save a buck.”
Jed and the county inspector headed around to the back of the house.
*
Everyone was sitting at the kitchen table a while later when Jed and the inspector came in. Danielle was at the sink with her back to everyone, her long, shapely legs left almost entirely bare by her short shorts.
“I’m rather astonished by the extent of the repairs that you are recommending, Bob,” whined Jed, a concerned look on his face.
“Well, Mr. LaFlu—”
“I’ve told you, it’s Jed, please.”
“Yes, Jed, well it’s like I said before, these are not really suggestions but more like mandatory items that . . .” Bob spotted Danielle at the sink. The sight of her backside momentarily disrupted his train of thought.
“Bob, I’m so sorry. I didn’t introduce you to my family,” Jed said quickly, moving to the center of the kitchen. “This is my wife, Martha, my son, Ricky.” He pointed to each individual. “My daughter Wanda, my granddaughter, Heather, and my youngest, Danielle.” Jed pointed to Danielle, who was still standing with her back to everyone. “Danielle,” he said, “could you please say hello to Bob? He’s here to advise us on the house.”
“Oh, hi, Bob,” she said, just partially turning her head.
Bob gave a slight gasp when he got a glimpse of Danielle’s face.
“Danielle, for gosh sake, don’t be rude,” said Martha.
Wanda poked John’s arm and whispered in his ear, “They’re figuring if they play this one right, this rube will sign off on the house.”
“What is their plan?” asked John.
“He’s got the hots for Danielle. Unless he leaves immediately, he’s dead meat.”
“Could someone fall for this?”
Wanda looked strangely at John. “No wonder they claim you’re an alien.”
“Danielle,” said Jed, “Bob here just started as the inspector for the county and has no knowledge of the lore and mystique of the area.” Jed was getting peeved that Danielle wasn’t playing along. “I know how much you like to contribute in this area.”
“Hicks are hicks. What else does he need to know?” she asked, turning to face him.
Suddenly, Bob no longer looked intent on sticking it to Jed. He had found a new interest.
Danielle sashayed over to Bob, looked him in the eye, and asked, “What is a cultured person like you doing hiding out in the sticks?”
“I . . . ah . . . I’m not sure.”
“Dead meat,” Wanda said loud enough for everyone to hear.
Bob didn’t seem to notice Wanda’s comment. He was so enthralled with Danielle that it was looking good for Jed’s scheme.
“So tell me about yourself, Mr. Inspector,” Danielle said, sitting down at the table, smiling at the county watchdog.
Before Bob could speak, Jed jumped in. “Say, Bob, we’re heading into town to get something to eat. Would you like to tag along?” he asked with a proud smile.
*
There was only one respectable place in town, The Cow and Brew. Jed had finagled everyone into the seating arrangement he figured would do the most good. Bob sat next to Danielle, naturally, at the far end of the long table. Martha and Jed were at the other end. Heather and Ricky sat to their right, Wanda and John to their left.
“I don’t know why we had to come here?” said Martha.
Jed gave her a stern look. “Because a bar fight is not what we need right now, that’s why.”
“This is just going to backfire in your face, as usual,” she said.
“Well, at least I’m trying to do something.”
“I was completely tired of the rat race and came to the mountains for a quieter, simpler life,” stated Bob, gazing at Danielle.
“That’s reason enough. I know I get tired of all the craziness sometimes,” she said.
“Ha, he’s looking for the simple life, and he’s walked into this!” Martha said loud enough for everyone to hear. “Say, Inspector Bob,” Martha yelled down the table, “what are you hiding from?”
“Ma’am?” said Bob, finally taking his eyes off Danielle.
“What chased you out of the flatlands?”
“I was tired of the rat race, as I mentioned to your daughter, and—”
“Where’s your wife?”
“Oh, for gosh sake, Martha, leave the man alone,” Jed pleaded.
“My wife?”
“Yeah, your wife. A prissy milquetoast like you has a wife somewhere. Guys like you don’t exist on their own.”
“Mother,” said Danielle, annoyed.
“My wife left me,” Bob said, almost breaking down.
“There, now we’ve got the truth. Don’t you feel better Inspector Bob?”
“My wife didn’t understand me,” continued Bob. “I tried hard to make every day as organized as possible, so problems could be met head on and taken care of immediately. But I was so involved with my job that she said she felt betrayed and left with the children.”
“In other words, you bored her to death.”
Jed looked disgruntled but kept his mouth shut
.
Wanda whispered to John, “My mother is messing with Dad’s plan, as usual. She said it would backfire, and now she’ll do anything to be proven right, even if it costs him a bundle.”
“Mother,” said Danielle, “you can be so cruel.”
“Bob feels better with the truth on the table, don’t you, Bob?”
“I don’t know, I guess. My therapist recommends . . .”
“He’s got a head doctor. Christ, this is worse than I—”
“Oh good,” said Jed, “the drinks are here.”
“Oh, Bob got a reprieve,” Wanda said quietly to John.
“He is off the hook then?” asked John.
“Maybe. It depends on where she’s focused when she’s starting her fifth beer,” Wanda explained. “If it’s somewhere else, he’ll get off. If not, we’ll get to see what he’s made of.”
Bob was taking advantage of the lull in conversation and was telling Danielle that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
*
The dinner went smoothly, and Bob had escaped the wrath of Martha, who was taking the first drink of beer number five and talking loudly. She started in on Ricky.
“I don’t know why you’re going up there. I don’t think Red’s going to be too happy.”
“Hey, we’ve already gone over this,” said Ricky, annoyed.
“I don’t know exactly what transpired up there when you were living with him, but I can about imagine. You’re a no-good S.O.B., so you behave up at Red’s, you hear me?”
Jed got up and headed down to the other end of the table.
“Say, Bob, I don’t know if you’re doing anything this weekend, but we’re all heading up to a wedding, and if you would like, you can come along.”
“Oh God!” said Heather.
Jed shot her the look.
“Well, I don’t know,” Bob replied, looking at Danielle. Her expression gave him no indication of what she thought of the offer. “Would you mind if . . .”
“Oh, come on, Bob. Actually, you’d be doing us a favor,” Jed added.
“How’s that?” Danielle asked.
“We’re going to be crowded, so Bob could drive his car.”
“Yes, I certainly would be willing to help out,” Bob offered, gazing longingly at Danielle.
“What do you think, Danielle?” Jed asked.
“I don’t know, I thought this was a family deal.”
“You were complaining that the air is broken in the camper, and the motor home will be crowded.” Jed was watching Bob, who was holding his breath while Danielle contemplated.
“I guess,” she finally said.
“Oh, great,” said Bob.
“Oh, wonderful,” said Heather, exasperated, “another freakin’ Bob.”
*
As they were leaving the restaurant, Danielle politely declined Bob’s after-hour request but promised to see him the next day.
“Hey, Bob!” Heather shouted. “You’re a technical man. What’s the first thing a woman looks for in a vibrator?”
“Heather!” shouted Danielle.
“Ah, I don’t . . .”
“Can it, snot,” threatened Danielle, “or it is two more weeks.”
“Not!” Heather said, walking away. “A warranty!” she added.
Danielle started laughing hysterically.
*
“Wanda was not kidding about the fifth beer,” John said on the drive back to Wanda’s house.
“Yeah, but in her defense, she doesn’t drink the first one until three P.M.,” said Danielle. “That is her rule. But don’t be blocking the refrigerator, or cooler, at T minus one or you’re in for big trouble. And if you see her pick up number seven in the same evening, you’re also in for a big stink.”
“How did this house that Jack built get so messed up?” John asked as they drove up the driveway.
“My parents gave Steve the money to build it, and he hired his stoner buddies. They probably spent most of the money on drugs and beer, and no telling what else.”
“Why would Jed give money out like that? Surely, he must have expected some difficulties?”
“He was afraid that Wanda and Steve would have to come and live with them,” said Danielle. “They didn’t have any other place to go, and my mother would have made his life miserable, so Dad told them he would give them a house. They had these really neat plans. The house looked good on paper but didn’t come out so hot. The county has been trying to condemn it for a couple of years, but Steve and Wanda were paying off the inspectors with pot they grow out back. But the new inspector, Bob, is a problem, and now they’re in trouble.”
“Wanda said they were trying to use you to soften him up.”
“We’re Walnuts. Anything that might work is considered.”
“You do not mind being used like that?”
“Hey, they get tossed out and they’ll be headed in our direction.”
“Oh, I see.”
“I wouldn’t mind Wanda, but Steve? No way.”
Chapter 11
The trip to Red’s wedding was scheduled to start at 8:00 a.m., but at 10:00 it was still stuck in the blocks. The travel arrangements were all decided. Bob was there patiently waiting by his car, a gorgeous, old Cadillac. Heather and John were outside with Jed, waiting to go.
“I told you, Grandpa,” said Heather, “we won’t be out of here until noon.”
“I made it clear that we had to be on the road by nine.”
Ricky and Wanda came out of the house.
“Okay,” said Wanda, “Ricky and I are a go for the road, but Danielle is still getting ready. I wouldn’t expect her for another half an hour, at least.”
“What?” shouted Jed. “That won’t do at all!”
“You go try to hurry her up. You know it won’t do any good,” said Wanda.
“What the hell is the big deal? It’s just a road trip for Christ’s sake!” said Jed.
“Grandpa, you guys go through this every time. Mother is not going to rush for anyone,” Heather said, laughing.
“Well, I have a mind to leave her,” he said.
“You never do,” said Heather.
Martha came out and announced, “The princess is putting on the final touches, everyone. We will soon be blessed with her presence.”
“What the hell has she been doing for the last two hours?” asked Jed.
“On the phone,” said Heather. “What do you think? Pooool Boooy has been calling constantly.”
“Who’s Pool Boy?” Bob asked with concern in his voice.
“Your competition,” stated Heather.
“Oh, I didn’t . . .”
“Oh, don’t worry, Bob, you’re at least his equal,” said Heather, picking up on his insecurity.
Jed gagged trying to stifle his laugh. Heather looked at John, who acknowledged her contribution with a nod and a smile.
“What are the travel arrangements, Jed?” Martha asked.
“Well, Ricky and Wanda can take off now with the pickup.”
“We need gas,” said Ricky.
“You don’t have any money, as usual?”
“It’s your truck,” said Ricky.
“Goddamn it, I’m not giving you the gas card just like that.”
“We will wait then,” Ricky said officially.
“Heather can ride with Danielle and Bob, John can come with us.”
“Well, yes, that would be . . . okay,” said Bob, disappointed.
“I’m not riding with them!” yelled Heather. “I have no interest in more dripping Bob love. Besides, it won’t be safe because his eyes won’t be on the road.”
“Well, if that’s your wish, my dear,” said Bob, delighted.
“Save the mush for my mother.”
Danielle came out dressed in a revealing sun dress.
“Oh my gosh,” Bob murmured.
“Come on, let’s get going,” commanded Danielle. “What’s everyone standing around for?”
&nb
sp; “We were waiting for you, Mother,” said Heather.
“We have a lot of miles to cover, so don’t blame it on me,” said Danielle, looking at Bob’s car. “Oh, what a lovely car! I just love old Cadillacs. They’re so romantic. Come on, Heather, let’s hit the road.”
Bob hurried to get the door for Danielle.
“I’m riding with Grandpa and Grandma,” Heather said.
“You don’t want to spend some time with me? We could have a nice talk.” Danielle sounded hurt.
“Bob wants you all to himself,” Heather said snottily.
Bob suddenly looked worried. “That’s not true,” he said, “I—”
“Oh, don’t mind the little snot. Let’s get going. We’re late,” Danielle said, sliding into the car, her dress hiking up her thigh.
Bob gulped.
“John,” Danielle called.
She leaned over and turned to pull the front seat forward, causing her sundress to part away from her chest.
Bob gulped again.
“Come on, you can ride with us. You haven’t lived until you’ve traveled down the road in a sexy, old Caddy.”
Bob stood transfixed by the turn of events.
“Is he going to keep his eyes on the road?” asked John as he climbed into the back seat.
“Come on, Bob, let’s get a move on. You’re going to make us late,” snapped Danielle, smoothing her dress down tight against her body.
Bob raced around to the driver’s side.
*
“Say, John, what is it you do?” Bob asked when they got a few miles down the highway.
“He’s a writer,” Danielle answered for him.
“That’s a tough road,” said Bob. “Very few of you fellows make anything of yourselves.”
“It is the challenge of it all,” John said quietly.
“I guess a challenge is okay as long as you can put meat on the table,” Bob said. “A man needs to consider the responsibility he has to the ones that depend on him.”
“I am alone on this one,” admitted John.
“Ah, the free spirit. It must be nice to have to worry about just yourself.” Bob shook his head almost imperceptibly. “Myself, on the other hand, I think that life is so much fuller when you devote your life to someone else.” Bob reached over and patted Danielle’s hand.
“Yes, a woman appreciates a man that takes responsibility for someone other than himself,” Danielle returned in a silky tone.
“My feelings exactly, beautiful lady.”
Bob was in hog heaven—his shoulders thrown back, one hand on the wheel, and the situation, like the big old car, firmly in his grasp.
“It’s so refreshing to meet someone like you, someone with a beautiful head on her shoulders. Someone that isn’t attracted to the bad boys.”