CHAPTER XXXVI
Ellis passed the rest of the day in solitary meditation upon the scenejust related, her singular situation, and complicated difficulties. If,at times, her project yielded to the objections to which she had beenforced to give ear, those objections were soon subdued, by the painfulrecollection of the unacknowledged, yet broken hundred pounds. Toreplace them, by whatever efforts, without giving to Harleigh thedangerous advantage of discovering what she owed to him, became now herpredominant wish. Yet her distaste to the undertaking, her fears, herdiscomfort, were cruelly augmented; and she determined that her airsshould be accompanied only by herself upon the harp, to obviate anyindispensable necessity for appearing at the rehearsals.
To this effect, she sent, the next morning, a message that pleadedindisposition, to M. Vinstreigle; yet that included an assurance, thathe might depend upon her performance, on the following evening, at hisconcert.
Once more, therefore, she consigned herself to practice; but vainly sheattempted to sing; her voice was disobedient to her desires: she hadrecourse, however, to her harp; but she was soon interrupted, byreceiving the following letter from Harleigh.
'To Miss Ellis.
'With a satisfaction which I dare not indulge--and yet, how curb?--I have learnt, from Ireton, that you have renounced the rehearsals. 'Tis, but, however, the trembling joy of a reprieve, that, while welcoming hope, sees danger and death still in view. For me and for my feelings your disclaim all consideration: I will not, therefore, intrude upon you, again, my wishes or my sufferings; yet as you do not, I trust, utterly reject me as a friend, permit me, in that capacity, to entreat you to deliberate, before you finally adopt a measure to which you confess your repugnance. Your situation I know not; but where information is withheld, conjecture is active; and while I see your accomplishments, while I am fascinated by your manners, I judge your education, and, thence, your connections, and original style of life. If, then, there be any family that you quit, yet that you may yourself desire should one day reclaim you; and if there be any family--leave mine alone!--to which you may hereafter be allied, and that you may wish should appreciate, should revere you, as you merit to be revered and appreciated--for such let me plead! Wound not the customs of their ancestors, the received notions of the world, the hitherto acknowledged boundaries of elegant life! Or, if your tenderness for the feelings--say the failings, if you please,--the prejudices, the weaknesses of others,--has no weight, let, at least, your own ideas of personal propriety, your just pride, your conscious worth, point out to you the path in society which you are so eminently formed to tread. Or, if, singularly independent, you deem that you are accountable only to yourself for your conduct, that notion, beyond any other, must shew you the high responsibility of all actions that are voluntary. Remember, then, that your example may be pleaded by those who are not gifted, like you, with extraordinary powers for sustaining its consequences; by those who have neither your virtues to bear them through the trials and vicissitudes of public enterprise; nor your motives for encountering dangers so manifest; nor your apologies--pardon the word!--for deviating, alone and unsupported as you appear, from the long-beaten track of female timidity. Your example may be pleaded by the rash, the thoughtless, and the wilful; and, therefore, may be pernicious. An angel, such I think you, may run all risks with impunity, save those which may lead feeble minds to hazardous imitation.
Is this language plain enough, this reasoning sufficiently sincere, to suit the character of a friend? And as such may I address you, without incurring displeasure? or, which is still, if possible, more painful to me, exciting alarm? O trust me, generously trust me, and be your ultimate decision what it may, you shall not repent your confidence!
'A.H.'
This was not a letter to quiet the shaken nerves of Ellis, nor torestore to her the modulation of her voice. She read it with strongemotion, dwelling chiefly upon the phrase, 'long-beaten track of femaletimidity.'--Ah! she cried, delicacy is what he means, though hepossesses too much himself to mark more strongly his opinion that Iswerve from it! And in that shall I be wanting?--And what he thinks--he,the most liberal of men!--will surely be thought by all whose esteem,whose regard I most covet!--How dreadfully am I involved! in what miseryof helplessness!--What is woman,--with the most upright designs, themost rigid circumspection,--what is woman unprotected? She is pronouncedupon only from outward semblance:--and, indeed, what other criterion hasthe world? Can it read the heart?
Then, again perusing her letter, You, alone, O Harleigh! she cried, you,alone, escape the general contagion of superficial decision! Your ownheart is the standard of your judgment; you consult that, and it tellsyou, that honour and purity may be in the breasts of others, howeverforlorn their condition, however mysterious their history, however dark,inexplicable, nay impervious, the latent motives of their conduct!--Ogenerous Harleigh!--Abandoned as I seem--you alone--Tears rolled rapidlydown her cheeks, and she lifted the letter up to her lips; but ere theytouched it, started, shuddered, and cast it precipitately into the fire.
One of Miss Matson's young women now came to tell her, that Mr Harleighbegged to know whether her commissions were prepared for London.
Hastily wiping her eyes, she answered that she had no commissions; but,upon raising her head, she saw the messenger descending the stairs, andHarleigh entering the room.
He apologised for hastening her, in a calm and formal style, palpablyintended for the hearing of the young woman; but, upon shutting thedoor, and seeing the glistening eyes of Ellis, calmness and formalitywere at an end; and, approaching her with a tenderness which he couldnot resist, 'You are afflicted?' he cried. 'Why is it not permitted meto soothe the griefs it is impossible for me not to share? Why must I bedenied offering even the most trivial assistance, where I would devotewith eagerness my life?--You are unhappy,--you make me wretched, and youwill neither bestow nor accept the consolation of sympathy? You see meresigned to sue only for your friendship:--why should you thusinflexibly withhold it? Is it--answer me sincerely!--is it my honourthat you doubt?--'
He coloured, as if angry with himself even for the surmize; and Ellisraised her eyes, with a vivacity that reproached the question; but droptthem almost instantaneously.
'That generous look,' he continued, 'revives, re-assures me. From thismoment, then, I will forego all pretensions beyond those of a friend. Iam come to you completely with that intention. Madness, indeed,--but forthe circumstances which robbed me of self-command,--madness alone couldhave formed any other, in an ignorance so profound as that in which I amheld of all that belongs to propriety. Does not this confession shew youthe reliance you may have upon the sincerity with which I mean tosustain my promised character? Will it not quiet your alarms? Will itnot induce you to give me such a portion of your trust as may afford mesome chance of being useful to you? Speak, I entreat; devise someservice,--and you shall see, when a man is piqued upon beingdisinterested, how completely he can forget--seem to forget, atleast!--all that would bring him back, exclusively, to himself.--Willyou not, then, try me?'
Ellis, who had been silent to recover the steadiness of her voice, nowquietly answered, 'I am in no situation, Sir, for hazarding experiments.What you deem to be your own duties I have no doubt that you fulfil; youwill the less, therefore, be surprised, that I decidedly adhere to whatappears to me to be mine. Your visits, Sir, must cease: your letters Ican never answer, and must not receive: we must have no intercoursewhatever; partial nor general. Your friendship, nevertheless, if underthat name you include good will and good wishes, I am far from desiringto relinquish:--but your kind offices--grateful to me, at this moment,as all kindness would be!'--she sighed, but hurried on; 'those, inwhatever form you can present them, I must utterly disclaim and repel.Pardon, Sir, this hard speech. I hold it right to be completelyunderstood; and to
be definitive.'
Turning then, another way, she bid him good morning.
Harleigh, inexpressibly disappointed, stood, for some minutes, suspendedwhether resentfully to tear himself away, or importunately to solicitagain her confidence. The hesitation, as usual where hesitation isindulged in matters of feeling, ended in directing him to follow hiswishes; though he became more doubtful how to express them, and morefearful of offending or tormenting her. Yet in contrasting her desolatesituation with her spirit and firmness, redoubled admiration took placeof all displeasure. What, at first, appeared icy inflexibility, seemed,after a moment's pause, the pure effect of a noble disdain of trifling;a genuine superiority to coquetry. But doubly sad to him was theinference thence deduced. She cruelly wanted assistance; a sigh escapedher at the very thought of kindness; yet she rejected his mostdisinterested offers of aid; evidently in apprehension lest, at anyfuture period, he might act, or think, as one who considered himself tobe internally favoured.
Impressed with this idea, 'I dare not,' he gently began, 'disobeycommands so peremptory; yet--' He stopt abruptly, with a start thatseemed the effect of sudden horrour. Ellis, again looking up, saw hiscolour changed, and that he was utterly disordered. His eyes directedher soon to the cause: the letter which she had cast into the fire, andfrom which, on his entrance, he had scrupulously turned his view, nowaccidentally caught it, by a fragment unburnt, which dropt from thestove upon the hearth. He immediately recognized his hand-writing.
This was a blow for which he was wholly unprepared. He had imaginedthat, whether she answered his letter or not, she would have weighed itscontents, have guarded it for that purpose; perhaps have prized it! But,to see it condemned to annihilation; to find her inexorably resolute notto listen to his representations; nor, even in his absence, to endure inher sight what might bring either him or his opinions to herrecollection; affected him so deeply, that, nearly unconscious what hewas about, he threw himself upon a chair, exclaiming, 'The illusion ispast!'
Ellis, with gravity, but surprise, ejaculated, an interrogative, 'Sir?'
'Pardon me,' he cried, rising, and in great agitation; 'pardon me that Ihave so long, and so frequently, intruded upon your patience! I begin,indeed, now, to perceive--but too well!--how I must have persecuted,have oppressed you. I feel my error in its full force:--but that eternalenemy to our humility, our philosophy, our contentment in ill success,Hope,--or rather, perhaps, self-love,--had so dimmed my perceptions, soflattered my feelings, so loitered about my heart, that still Iimagined, still I thought possible, that as a friend, at least, I mightnot find you unattainable; that my interest for your welfare, my concernfor your difficulties, my irrepressible anxiety to diminish them, mighthave touched those cords whence esteem, whence good opinion vibrate;might have excited that confidence which, regulated by your owndelicacy, your own scruples, might have formed the basis of thatzealous, yet pure attachment, which is certainly the second blessing,and often the first balm of human existence,--permanent and blamelessfriendship!'
Ellis looked visibly touched and disturbed as she answered, 'I am verysensible, Sir, of the honour you do me, and of the value of yourapprobation: it would not be easy to me, indeed, to say--unfriended,unsupported, nameless that I am!--how high a sense I feel of yourgenerous judgment: but, as you pleaded to me just now,' half smiling,'in one point, the customs of the world; you must not so far forget themin another, as not to acknowledge that a confidence, a friendship, suchas you describe, with one so lonely, so unprotected, would oppose themutterly. I need only, I am sure, without comment, without argument,without insistance, call this idea to your recollection, to see youwillingly relinquish an impracticable plan: to see you give up allvisits; forego every species of correspondence, and hasten, yourself, tofinish an intercourse which, in the eye of that world, and of thoseprejudices, those connections, to which you appeal, would be regarded asdangerous, if not injurious.'
'What an inconceivable position!' cried Harleigh, passionately; 'howincomprehensible a state of things! I must admire, must respect thedecree that tortures me, though profoundly in the dark with regard toits motives, its purposes,--I had nearly said, its apologies! for nottrifling must be the cause that can instigate such determinedconcealment, where an interest is excited so warm, so sincere, and,would you trust it, honourable as mine!'
'You distress, you grieve me,' cried Ellis, with an emotion which shecould not repress, 'by these affecting, yet fruitless conflicts! Could Ispeak ... can you think I would so perseveringly be silent?'
'I think, nay I am convinced, that you can do nothing but what isdictated by purity, what is intentionally right; yet here, I ampersuaded, 'tis some right of exaggeration, some right stretched, byfalse reasoning, or undue influence, nearly to wrong. That the cause ofthe mystery which envelopes you is substantial, I have not any doubt;but surely the effects which you attribute to it must be chimerical. Toreject the most trivial succour, to refuse the smallest communication--'
'You probe me, Sir, too painfully!--I appear, to you, I see, wilfullyobstinate, and causelessly obscure: yet to be justified to you, I mustincur a harsher censure from myself! Thus situated, we cannot separatetoo soon. Think over, I beg of you, when you are alone, all that haspassed: your candour, I trust, will shew you, that my reserve has beentoo consistent in its practice, to be capricious in its motives. I canadd nothing more. I entreat, I even supplicate you, to desist from allfurther enquiry; and to leave me!'
'In such utter, such impenetrable darkness?--With no periodassigned?--not even any vague, any distant term in view, for letting insome little ray of light?--'
He spoke this in a tone so melancholy, yet so unopposingly respectful,that Ellis, resistlessly affected, put her hand to her head, and half,and almost unconsciously pronounced, 'Were my destiny fixed ... knowneven to myself....'
She stopt, but Harleigh, who, slowly, and by hard self-compulsion, hadmoved towards the door, sprang back, with a countenance whollyre-animated; and with eyes brightly sparkling, in the full lustre ofhope and joy, exclaimed, 'It is not, then, fixed?--your destiny--mine,rather! is still open to future events?--O say that again! tell me butthat my condemnation is not irrevocable, and I will not ask anotherword!--I will not persecute you another minute!--I will be all patience,all endurance;--if there be barely some possibility that I have not seenand admired only to regret you!--that I have not known andappreciated--merely to lose you!'
'You astonish, you affright me, Sir!' cried Ellis, recovering a dignitythat nearly amounted to severity: 'if any thing has dropt from me thatcan have given rise to expressions--deductions of this nature, I begleave, immediately, to explain that I have been utterly misunderstood. Isee however, too clearly, the danger of such contests to risk theirrepetition. Permit me, therefore, unequivocally, to declare, that herethey end! I have courage to act, though I have no power to command. You,Sir, must decide, whether you will have the kindness to quit myapartment immediately;--or whether you will force me to so unpleasant ameasure as that of quitting it myself. The kindness, I say; for howeverill my situation accords with the painful perseverance of your ...investigations ... my memory must no longer "hold its seat," when I losethe impression I have received of your humanity, your goodness, yourgenerosity!... You will leave me, Mr Harleigh, I am sure!'
Harleigh, as much soothed by these last words, as he was shocked by allthat had preceded them, silently bowed; and, unable, with a good grace,to acquiesce in a determination which he was yet less entitled toresist, slowly, sadly, and speechless, with concentrated feelings, leftthe room.
'All good betide you, Sir!--and may every blessing be yours!'--in avoice of attempted cheerfulness, but involuntary tremour, was pronouncedby Ellis, as, hastily rising, she herself shut the door.