Loss affects us all differently. Most of us grieve first, the length depending upon the severity of the loss. Others try to suppress their grief until the pain over takes them and they can hide it no longer.
A profound loss is the hardest to deal with. Even if it is someone you have never actually met. When the few dozen citizens of this tiny town finally realized just whose dead body we had gone back for, the effect was unlike anything I had ever seen. Watching as people had to sit or began to bawl, definitely did not make the loss of the man I loved any easier. I couldn't hold that against them though, they had a right to mourn his loss, just as much as Jesse or I did. It was first time I had begun to fully realize just how much of an effect this persona had on the world. To us, it was just some long-shot, hoping it might inspire people of our city to fight back. Just a rouse we had crafted to draw attention away from those who couldn't defend themselves. It was our red herring.
The General had become so much more than a diversion for the scared and meek across the world. He began to represent hope. Hope in the face of an enemy that had effectively destroyed their governments ability to respond. Hope that they could no longer find in their house of worship. The hope that had been stolen from us all.
Each day, new rumors circulated of far off deeds and conspiracies that would become attributed to this resistance. A resistance with a dead leader and no real direction.
To the resistance, direction was not necessary. All they needed to know was that fighting back could make a difference and that their adopted leader scared the living shit out of the enemy. Cells had begun to spring up at exponential rates, partly because their was no real organization that they could turn to as a way of keeping each other safe. They fought in the streets, attacked Chinese operational centers, and crippled their intelligence systems from the safety of their own homes.
Of course, all leaders have their detractors and The General and his Resistance were no different. Critics accused him of stoking the fire, leading our youth headlong into a certain death, or even playing the world's cruelest practical joke. In spite of all their bile, one thing the critics could not deny was the results the resistance had begun to see.
For the most part, the military allowed this. They turned their head and let them carry on, while their inept leadership forced them to standby and watch. Many were convinced that the military itself was playing a part, allowing soldiers and marines to sneak off base to carry out attacks or helping to arm local fighters. Of course they officially deny this, but our armed guards would probably tell you differently.
In fact, in the new President's eyes, we were priority one. Two of the best Marine Recon teams were assigned as our personal guard after Connor passed away. To her, we would be just as valuable when the time came.
In the first few days after we arrived, I spent most of my time in an uncomfortable chair by Jesse's bed. He was recuperating in the town's only doctor's house. Dr. Brier was once considered to be among the elite surgeons in the country. After thirty years of trauma surgery in Seattle he had decided to move to Upper Lake Malakwa, where he had owned a weekend house for many years. He was gentle to the point of putting you at ease, even when giving bad news. After we arrived, he insisted we stay with him until better arrangements could be made.
Jesse's wound had been severe, but luckily he would make a full recovery after a few months. Dr. Brier had to have him pretty heavily sedated for a little more than a week due to the pain, so I spent my days sitting by him, in shock at what had happened. I was dieing inside and had no one to turn to. Who could fully understand my pain at this point?
It was such a shame to not be able to fully appreciate the beauty we were surrounded by. This little town was nestled firmly within a marvel of nature. Only accessible with a four wheel drive vehicle, you have to make your way past the dirt roads around Lake Malakwa-proper to a spot where there is a tiny inlet between two almost mountainous hills. This pass is about two miles long and climbs higher and higher into the hills until you finally reach Upper Lake Malakwa. After a bad storm, it could take days for the pass to be cleared out. Of the forty or so people who live here year round, there are only about fifteen houses and a few shops, all situated at the north end of the lake.
If you're lucky, you can make your way down to the dock and watch the sun rise over the hills. It was on a particularly beautiful morning like this that I met Jeanine. As I sat there watching the sun crest over the hills, listening to birds sing something inside of me finally snapped. I began to cry, asking myself how God could have created a world so beautiful only to inhabit it with people who were so horrible.
"It never gets any easier sweetheart," A lady in her mid-sixties said as she sat down beside me, draping her arm across my shoulders. I hadn't even heard her coming. "I lost my Burt some twenty years ago and it still knocks the breath out of me how bad I miss him sometimes."
I said nothing, I just sat there crying and truly glad for the company.
"I like to think that we all return to the place we love the most when we're gone." She continued. "That's why I never could bring myself to leave this little place. In fact, there was nothing Burt loved more than to come out here before Sunrise and do some fishing. I'd sit here watching him, waiting for the sun to come up, just like it is right now."
"It's the prettiest sunrise I’ve ever seen." I said before being overcome with tears again.
"Well darlin', it comes up every morning and only gets prettier as the year goes on." She said, rubbing my shoulders. "My favorite time of year is early in spring when the snow starts melting and the critters are scurrying around again."
"You know Burt's favorite thing about spring time was all of the baby critters. I don't think there was a year that went by that he didn't bring home some poor little squirrel or fox or god knows what else to nurse back to health. I don’t know how on earth he found 'em." She said, laughing. "Like I said honey, it never gets easier. But eventually, you wake up one morning in early spring and you'll start to see how beautiful everything still is and know that he would want you to be happy. More importantly, you realize that even though he might be gone, he's always gonna be here with you."
"Thank you," I said wiping my eyes with the cuff of the sweatshirt I was wearing. "I hope you're right, I really do because right now, I just don't know what to do with myself."
"It'll happen honey, you just can't rush it." She said, giving me a tight hug. "You deserve to feel every little thing you're feeling, it'll help you cope and don't let anybody tell you not to be sad if you want to be."
"I'm really sorry, but I can't remember your name," I said, "I know I’ve seen you at the doctor's house, helping him."
"It's Jeanine." She said, "If you'd like you can join me and Johann for some coffee."
"I think I would like that." I said as she helped me up and we walked back to her house.
"We're all pretty close knit here, you kind of have to be in a town this small." Jeanine explained as we walked past the little shops. "There's no room for gossip and pettiness when you're this secluded."
"That must be nice."
"Well don't get me wrong honey, we still have our little squabbles like any family would." She said laughing "But we get over it pretty quickly."
There was just one little road leading from the docks through the little strip of town, after about fifty yards it branched off going to houses and to the main road, which curved back to the pass. Almost everyone lived within a few hundred yards of the dock, with the exception of one or two houses a little ways back in the woods. The town was so secluded that it only had a single landline telephone, which was outside the general store, and that had only been there for ten years or so.
"Here we are," Jeanine said as she opened the waist high gate leading to her house, a cute little blue and white two story with a wrap around porch. "Burt and I built this place when we were around your age. It was our lit
tle labor of love."
"Good morning, ladies." Dr. Brier said, he was already there and had made the coffee. "I saw the two of you down at the docks when I got up and thought it best to give you a little time together."
"Well thank you, Johann." Jeanine said as she went to grab mugs from the cupboard. "You know if you two get tired of sleeping in the doctor's office I’ve got a few empty rooms."
"Oh and leave me with no one to keep me company, I see." Dr. Brier said feigning indignation.
"You don't have to make a decision right now, honey." She said, "but the offer is there if you decide to. Besides, that boy is gonna need to get some real meals into him soon, so once he's up and about you two can eat here with Johann and I."
"Are you two-"
"Oh god no, I haven't been with a woman in over fifty years." Dr. Brier said laughing. "and I’m not inclined to try again."
"We're just old friends honey," she said
"Very old friends." he added
"Well, you might be old Johann, but I’m not a day over forty."
"Her late husband Burt and I were in the army together, about a hundred years ago." He said as we sat down at her table, her kitchen adorned with little cow and watermelon statuettes. "After our service ended we went our separate ways until about ten years later when he came into the emergency room after cutting himself pretty badly building god knows what. As it happened, I was working the ER that night and we caught up. He told me about this doll he had just met and how his construction business was just starting to take off."
"And who was this hussy?" Jeanine asked jokingly.
"Well of course, it was Jeanine here," He said "We all went out for drinks a few weeks later and got on so well. Those two were a match made in heaven. They built this little house right after they had their first kid, my God-daughter Sophia. Would you believe there was only the general store and about five other homes at the time?"
"It's so hard to tell, everything looks like it's frozen outside of time here." I replied
"Well, Burt just loved building rustic old homes." Jeanine said, "He hated how the country was turning into one giant suburb where every house was exactly the same. So every few years a new couple would fall in love with this place and Burt would have to bring a crew out for a few months to build their house. All but two of the newer homes were built by us."
"Mine included," Johann added. "I never had any children and I think Burt always knew I’d move out here so I came in one weekend and he had added a sign to the front yard like those old hotels, but instead of vacancy it said "The Doctor is " either in or out."
"So when did you move out here for good?" I asked sipping my coffee. It had been a while since I had drunk coffee, my stomach wasn't able to handle with all the stress.
"Well some years ago right before my partner passed away, god bless his soul," he replied "I decided that there were enough hot shot young doctors in Seattle and that we would retire early. I had hoped it would help him, and it did for a time. He was happy just to sit outside in his wheelchair, so it was an easy decision. We had always wanted to move out here and sip tea on the porch with Burt and Jeanine, after all."
"I'm so sorry to hear that." I said
"Don't be honey, we had love and that's all that really matters in this life." He said smiling. "You might lose your partner, but no one can ever take away what you shared. You'll always have those memories."
"I hope I’m not being too upfront, Liz sweety," Jeanine said "I didn't know Connor, but I can tell he loved you with everything he had. Just try and ignore all this talk of the General, for now, and remember him for who he was and who you two were together. Don't worry about all this talk of unfinished business and his role in this war, all that matters right now is you and Jesse and how you two are gonna continue moving forward with your life."
"I know, I’m just so lost and scared right now." I said, the tears creeping back as they did so often.
"Well honey, that's ok. When you're with someone for so long, they become a part of your identity and after losing them you have to start to learn who you are on your own." Johann said, "But you don't have to forget them, you just have to find out how they helped to make you a stronger person."
Chapter 18