Read The Water-Method Man Page 4


  'Another fucking group,' said Ralph. 'Over five hundred people wrote that letter. And shit, Thump-Thump, I didn't really mean anything. I mean, I don't know what I meant ...'

  This is still true of Ralph; it has been the major criticism of his films. They are nearly always called 'innovative', often 'unpretentious', usually 'truthful'. But The New York Times, for example, notes 'a certain lack of resolution ... he fails to commit himself to a point of view.' The Village Voice finds that 'the visions are always striving to be personal, authentic and fresh, yet Packer fails to really deal with the issues ... a simple portrait of the action seems to satisfy him.' I think it satisfies me too.

  'Shit,' says Ralph. 'They're just pictures, Thump-Thump.'

  In fact, their lack of 'meaning' I find especially refreshing.

  The Group Thing was his only propaganda film; it was the only one to win a prize, too. His next two films I wasn't in on; I was leaving my wife and mind behind.

  Ralph went on a long lam, from Iowa to New York. Soft Dirt was about a rock group. Ralph just followed them around when Soft Dirt was on a concert tour. Interviews with their girls, shots of the guys cutting each other's hair, shots of the leg-wrestling competition organized among the girls, shots of what the winners won. The high point of the film comes when the leader's dog gets accidentally electrocuted by an amplifier. The group cancelled a week of concerts; out of sympathy, fans donated about fifty dogs. 'They're all very nice dogs,' said the leader, 'but they're just not like old Soft Dirt.' That had been the name of the dog too.

  The third film was about a small traveling circus, which Ralph followed through an endless series of one-night stands. There's a lot of footage of the tent going up and coming down, and interviews with the trapeze girls.

  'Is the circus dead?'

  'God ... why would you ever think that?'

  And a very long vignette about the elephant keeper who lost three fingers on his right hand when the elephant stepped on him.

  'Do you still like elephants?'

  'Sure, I love elephants.'

  'Even this particular elephant who stepped on your hand?'

  'Especially this particular elephant. He didn't mean to step on my hand. He didn't even know what he was stepping on. I just put my hand where he was stepping; he would have stepped there anyway. And he really felt awful about it.'

  'The elephant felt awful? He knew he'd stepped on your hand?'

  'Christ, of course he knew. I yelled, "You're stepping on my fucking hand!" Sure, he knew all right, and he just felt terrible.'

  Then there follows an episodic series of shots of the elephant, trying to convey how sorry he was. It was Ralph's worst film, I think. I can't ever remember the title.

  But now that I'm back as his sound tracker, his films should improve - soundwise, at least. We're working on one now called Down on the Farm. It's about a hippie commune called the Free Farm. The Free Farmers want everybody to use the land - any land. They think private property is bullshit. The land should be free to them who'd use it. They run into a little trouble, from some real farmers up in Vermont. The real farmers think private property is OK. The Free Farmers try to tell the real farmers how badly they're being screwed by not having any free land. They appear to be headed toward a confrontation. A small liberal arts college in the area lends a certain intellectual confusion to the situation. Ralph goes up to Vermont every weekend to see if the confrontation has occurred yet. He comes back with reels and reels, tapes and tapes. 'It's still building,' he says.

  'When the winter comes along,' I tell him, 'maybe the kids will get cold and hungry and just walk off the land.'

  'Then we'll film that,' he says.

  'Maybe there won't be any confrontation,' I suggest.

  'Maybe there won't,' Ralph says, and Tulpen tips her tit with the back of her hand.

  This irks Ralph. Tulpen was already working for Ralph when I came to New York; Ralph gave her the job because she was sleeping with him. Oh, long ago. Tulpen didn't know anything about editing film, but Ralph showed her. When she learned to do it very well, she stopped sleeping with him. Ralph didn't fire her because she's a fantastic editor, but sometimes Ralph gets mad about it. 'You only slept with me to get this job,' he tells her.

  'You only gave me the job because I slept with you,' Tulpen tells him, unperturbed. 'Don't you like my work?' she asks him. 'I like the job.'

  There is this understanding stalemate between them.

  The kid named Kent, who runs errands, is another story.

  Tulpen and me in the darkroom, sipping coffee, wondering where the doughnuts are. Tulpen is trimming some of Ralph's stills, hot off the dryer, cropping them in the big paper cutter. Chomp! And it's been two weeks since I've heard a word from that damn Biggie. Are the other kids kind to Colm in school? Does he still bite?

  'Anything wrong?' Tulpen asks.

  'My prick,' I say. 'I think it's getting gummed up again. Wretched water method ...'

  'See your doctor, Trumper,' she says casually. 'Have the operation.'

  Chomp! goes the terrible paper cutter; visions of Vigneron blood fill my mind.

  In comes Kent. 'Hey!' Hey yourself, Kent. 'Hey, you seen the new footage? He's really got it now.'

  'Got what, Kent?'

  'Great light in the new stuff. It's getting cold up there now. Even the weather's closing in on them. Somebody's going to make a move. I mean, the fucking camera is anticipating it.'

  'That doesn't mean it has to happen, Kent.'

  Ralph comes in with a huff-puff of cold air. Sealskin boots, arctic mittens, Eskimo parka, though it's only fall. Trying to imagine Ralph alive in a tropical climate presents a problem: he would have to change his fur image. He could wear wicker and straw and reeds wrapped around him: a giant basket!

  'Hey!' Kent says to him. 'I saw White Knees last night.'

  'Whose?' says Ralph. We all know Kent doesn't get much.

  'You know, hey. White Knees,' Kent insists. 'It's the new Grontz film.'

  'Oh yeah, yeah,' says Ralph, unmittening, debooting, emerging from his wool.

  'Well, it's just another lousy one,' Kent says. 'More of the same, like his earlier shit. Heavy, you know?'

  'Yeah, yeah,' says Ralph, unmuffled, looking around. Something is missing.

  'I looked at your new footage this morning,' Kent tells him. Ralph is thinking, What's missing? 'It's just great, Ralph,' Kent tells him. 'Even the fucking weather--'

  ' 'Kent?' Ralph says. 'Where are the doughnuts?'

  'I was just waiting for you to get here,' Kent says, flushing.

  'Two jellies, one cream puff,' Ralph says. 'Tulpen?'

  'Two cream puffs.'

  'Thump-Thump?'

  'A cruller.'

  'Two cream puffs, two jellies and one cruller, Kent,' Ralph says.

  When Kent leaves on his mission, Ralph asks us, 'Who in hell is Grontz?'

  'Search me,' says Tulpen.

  'White Knees,' I say. 'God knows ...'

  'Does Kent smoke?' Ralph asks. No one has any idea. 'Well if he doesn't,' Ralph says, 'he should try some. And if he does, he should stop.'

  Back comes Kent, a mine of mystery and information.

  'Two jellies, two cream puffs, one cruller.'

  'Thank you.'

  'Thank you.'

  'Thank you, Kent.'

  'Wardell's new one opens Friday night, at the Beppo,' Kent informs.

  'It won't last a week,' I tell him, then look at Tulpen: Who is Wardell? Her look back at me says, Where is the Beppo?

  'Right, right,' says Ralph.

  We watch Kent cramming the coffee pot. 'Don't make it waterproof, Kent,' says Tulpen.

  Ralph is visibly upset with his two jellies. 'Red jelly,' he says, prodding with a cautious finger. 'I like the purple.'

  'Grape, Ralph,' I say.

  'Yeah, grape,' he says. 'This red shit is uneatable.'

  Kent is worried. 'I heard that Marco is out on the Coast,' he tells us, 'doing the riots.'
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  'How's the cruller, Thump-Thump?'

  'An excellent cruller, Ralph.'

  'Two crullers, Kent,' says Ralph. 'Can you eat another one, Thump-Thump?'

  'No,' Tulpen says. 'He's getting fat.'

  'Three more crullers, Kent,' says Ralph, poking the foul red jelly.

  'You're already fat,' Tulpen tells him. 'Trumper can still be saved.'

  'Three crullers, Kent,' says Ralph.

  A static friction in the room escapes when Kent opens the door. Ralph listens for Kent's cloddy walking sounds out on the sidewalk. Something conspiratorial and special is being saved for our ears alone; we can always tell. Ralph goes a fair bit out of his way to avoid anything too personal with Kent. A kind of professional self-protection, I assume.

  'Boy, Thump-Thump,' he says; his broad arms draw Tulpen and me together. 'Boy, you should have seen the tail I met last night ...' But he is watching Tulpen, waiting for her to raise one breast with the back of her hand. She's subtle with him; she turns away. Moving toward the door, her elbow lifts a little behind her.

  'I saw that!' Ralph shouts. But she's gone; the door to the editing room closes, and I am left alone with Ralph Packer, who - in spite of (perhaps, because of) never knowing what he means - is a vanguard in underground film.

  We are waiting for crullers.

  8

  Other Old Mail

  Fred Trumper

  918 Iowa Ave.

  Iowa City, Iowa

  Oct. 3, 1969

  Humble Oil & Refining Co.

  Box 790

  Tulsa, Oklahoma

  Dear Sirs:

  I am in receipt of your reminder. Regarding that, I do consider my credit with you as a 'privilege', and I have every intention of avoiding the 'embarrassment' you speak of.

  Enclosed is my check for $3.00. My Balance Due is thereby reduced to $44.56, which of course I shall be forwarding to you shortly.

  You see, my son has been very sick.

  Gratefully,

  Fred Trumper

  (Esso Card # 657-679-896-22) Fred Trumper

  918 Iowa Ave.

  Iowa City, Iowa

  Oct. 3, 1969

  Mr Harry Estes

  Dept. of Collection

  Sinclair Refining Co.

  Box 1333

  Chicago, Illinois

  Dear Mr Estes:

  You will find my check for $15.00 enclosed. And although this may be, in your eyes, 'another drop in the bucket', it constitutes a considerable effort for me. And despite the fact that my Balance Due, still outstanding, is $94.67 - and I can 'appreciate' your concern - it is also with great effort that I control myself from responding as I would like to your rude note.

  We are both aware that your company is perhaps not so well known as some. Perhaps you might be advised by my long and good experience with other credit-card companies, who demonstrate a degree of cheerfulness and tolerance that your own company would do well to imitate. Perhaps you don't know what it is that makes a well-known company so well known? Well, I'll tell you. It's patience.

  Alas, if more of the values we esteem in individuals would be incorporated into our business values, I'm sure each of us would be more pleased with one another.

  I had the highest hopes for your organization when you first came out with that big warm friendly green dinosaur. I retain the highest hopes that you will eventually live up to your image.

  Respectfully,

  Fred Trumper

  (Sinclair card # 555-546-215-91) Fred Trumper

  918 Iowa Ave.

  Iowa City, Iowa

  Oct. 3, 1969

  Iowa-Illinois Gas & Electric 520 Jefferson St

  Iowa City, Iowa

  Dear Sirs:

  Enclosed is $10.00 to reduce my Balance Due; the remainder, I realize, is enough to warrant your assessing me with an extra service charge. I will responsibly assume this charge, but I sincerely hope that you recognize the seriousness of my intentions to settle this balance, and that you will not discontinue my service.

  Speaking for that service, I will say, in all sincerity, that Iowa-Illinois has provided the best electricity my wife and I have ever known. Seriously, we once lived in a part of the world where the lights were always going out.

  We've also appreciated your policy of giving small children lollipops, if accompanied by their parents, at your downtown office and appliance center.

  Thankfully,

  Fred Trumper

  Fred Trumper

  918 Iowa Ave.

  Iowa City, Iowa

  Oct. 3, 1969

  Northwestern Bell Telephone Co.

  302 South Linn St

  Iowa City, Iowa

  Dear Sirs:

  In regard to my present Balance Due of $35.17: I will not pay one penny of this until you delete from my bill the sum of $16.75, and the corresponding tax - for a call I never made to Georgetown, Maine. I don't know anybody in Georgetown, Maine, and to my knowledge no one in Georgetown, Maine, knows me. This has happened before, if you remember, on a previous bill. I was charged for talking one hour and forty-five minutes to Vienna, Austria - which you finally acknowledged was an error, a foul-up involving the other half of my two-party line. About the other half of my two-party line, I could write you another letter, but your previous explanation of 'Oversea Cable Operator Confusion' is not especially satisfying. In any case, it should not be my responsibility to tell you what I owe you.

  Frankly,

  Fred Trumper

  (tel. 338-1536)

  Fred Trumper

  918 Iowa Ave.

  Iowa City, Iowa

  Oct. 3, 1969

  Mr Milo Kubik

  Peoples Market

  660 Dodge St.

  Iowa City, Iowa

  Dear Mr Kubik:

  Your meats are a taste of the big city, a breath of the best kitchen wind! You're the only place in Iowa City for a decent kidney, tongue, blood sausage and a good heart. And all the little foreign jars, the exotic little tins of food in translation! We are especially fond of the Ragout of Wild Boar in Medoc Sauce. My wife and I, Mr Kubik, can make a meal of your hors d'oeuvre counter.

  I hope you'll forgive us for over-indulging ourselves with your quality items this month. I am able to make this $10.00 deposit (enclosed) but the remaining balance of $23.90 I will have to leave outstanding for just a short time.

  Next month we will more carefully budget ourselves against your fine temptations, you can rest assured.

  Honestly,

  Fred & Sue Trumper Fred Trumper

  918 Iowa Ave.

  Iowa City, Iowa

  Oct. 3, 1969

  Mr Merlin Shumway

  President/Iowa State Bank & Trust Co.

  400 Clinton St

  Iowa City, Iowa

  Mr Shumway:

  Enclosed is Mr Cuthbert Bennett's check to me, for $250.00, endorsed to the bank, for deposit in my account (checking: 9 51 348). This should amply cover my minus balance.

  I am really appalled that the bank saw fit to bounce my wife's check back to the clothier, Sumner Temple. Had you covered this check, my account would have been delinquent by no more than $3.80 plus Service Charge. This small gesture of courtesy would have spared my poor wife an unpleasantry with Mr Temple over the phone; a needless embarrassment for such a piddling sum.

  I can only suppose that you are holding the matter of my educational loan against me. But whatever your reasoning, I am tempted to move my account across the street to the Iowa First National. I will certainly do so if you continue to treat me with such suspicion. I simply had no idea I was overdrawn. As you see, I had in hand the available income to cover the deficit immediately.

  Sincerely,

  Fred Trumper

  Fred Trumper

  918 Iowa Ave.

  Iowa City, Iowa

  Oct. 3, 1969

  Sears, Roebuck & Co.

  Central States Office

  1st Ave. & Kalona St Cedar Rapids, Iowa

>   Dear Sears:

  Last June I purchased for my wife one Model X-100, Standard-Plus vacuum cleaner, which, at the suggestion of your sales office in Iowa City, I elected to pay for under the terms of the Sears Easy-Payment Installment Plan.

  At this time, there is no need for me to go into my shock at the rather steep service rates under this 'boon' of a plan. At the moment I only want to know how many payments you have recorded for me, and why it is that you don't include my current Balance Due in this month's Easy-Packet Payment Envelope. Each month I receive this handy envelope from you, and the enclosed note simply says, payment due: $5.00.

  But it seems I have been paying out $5.00 for an awfully long time. How much further do I have to go? Understandably, I am not about to pay this next installment until I receive some notice from you concerning how much I still owe.

  I would offer you this piece of advice, so that you will not sully your great reputation among humble folk everywhere. Be forewarned: it would be a shame if Sears, because of its bigness and far-reaching tendrils into the homes and minds of young masses, forgot, or tramped on, the simple needs of the 'little person'. After all, isn't it us 'little people' who make Sears so big?

  A Concerned Little Person, Fred Trumper

  (Easy-Payment-Installment Invoice No. 314-312-54-6) Fred Trumper

  918 Iowa Ave.

  Iowa City, Iowa

  Oct. 3, 1969

  Consumers Union

  Edt. Offices of Consumer Reports

  Mt Vernon, New York

  Dearest Sirs:

  From one nonprofit organization to another, let me tell you that you are noble and good and a great consolation in the face of creeping capitalism everywhere!

  Where experience permits me an opinion, let me say that I am in complete agreement with your 1968 uncoverings concerning false advertisement all around us. You are to be congratulated. Keep giving them hell! Don't ever be bought!

  However, I beg to differ with you in regard to Sears, Roebuck & Co. Most of your listings for their products and service range from 'fair' to 'good'. I have great faith in your research, and I'm willing to admit that your sphere of sources is far greater than my own. But I feel I should add to your findings this consumer's reaction to a certain Model X-100 Standard-Plus vacuum cleaner. Have you ever looked into that mechanical wonder? Well, go pick one up under the Sears Easy Payment Installment Plan.