CHAPTER XXVIII
TILL DEATH DO PART
Hitherto, while I was weak, exhausted, and unable to reason beyond thevague factors of anxiety and dread, she had cared for me simply, asthough she were a young boy and I an older man. The small details of ourdaily life she had assumed, because she still was the stronger. Withoutplot or plan, and simply through the stern command of necessity, ourinterests had been identical, our plans covered us both as one. Atnight, for the sake of warmth, we had slept closely, side by side, bothtoo weary and worn out to reason regarding that or any other thing.Once, in the night, I know I felt her arm across my face, upon my headher hand--she still sleeping, and millions of miles away among thestars. I would not have waked her.
But now, behold the strange story of man's advance in what he callscivilization. Behold what property means in regard to what we call laws.We were rich now. We had two pieces of robe instead of one. We might betwo creatures now, a man and a woman, a wall between, instead of twosuffering, perishing animals, with but one common need, that ofself-preservation. There were two houses now, two beds; because thismight be and still allow us to survive. Our table was common, and thatwas all.
I grew stronger rapidly. In spite of my wish, my eyes rested upon her;and thus I noticed that she had changed. My little boy was no longer alittle boy, but some strange creature--I knew hot what--like to nothingI had ever seen or known; like no woman of the towns, and no savage ofthe plains, but better than both and different from either, inscrutable,sweet, yes, and very sad. Often I saw tears in her eyes.
During that first night when we slept apart, the wolves came very closeto our meat heaps and set up their usual roaring chorus. The terror ofthis she could not endure, and so she came creeping with her half robeto my side where I lay. That was necessary. Later that night when sheawoke under the shelter of her half hide, she found me sitting awake,near the opening. But she would not have me put over her my portion ofthe robe. She made of our party two individuals, and that I mustunderstand. I must understand now that society was beginning again, andlaw, and custom. My playfellow was gone. I liked scarce so well this newcreature, with the face of a Sphinx, the form of a woman, the eyes ofsomething hurt, that wept--that wept, because of these results of my ownawkwardness and misfortunes.
I say that I was growing stronger. At night, in front of her poorshelter, I sat and thought, and looked out at the stars. The stars saidto me that life and desire were one, that the world must go on, that allthe future of the world rested with us two. But at this I rebelled. "Ah,prurient stars!" I cried, "and evil of mind! What matters it that yousuffer or that I suffer? Let the world end, yes, let the world endbefore this strange new companion, gained in want, and poverty, andsuffering, and now lost by reason of comforts and health, shall shed onetear of suffering!"
But sometimes, worn out by watching, I, too, must lie down. Again, inher sleep, I felt her arm rest upon my neck. Now, God give me what Helisteth, but may not this thing come to me again.
For now, day by day, night by night, against all my will and wish,against all my mind and resolution, I knew that I was loving this newbeing with all my heart and all my soul, forsaking all others, and thatthis would be until death should us part. I knew that neither here norelsewhere in the world was anything which could make me whole ofthis--no principles of duty or honor, no wish nor inclination norresolve!
I had eaten. I loved. I saw what life is.
I saw the great deceit of Nature. I saw her plan, her wish, hermerciless, pitiless desire; and seeing this, I smiled slowly in the darkat the mockery of what we call civilization, its fuss and flurry, itspretense, its misery. Indeed, we are small, but life is not small. Weare small, but love is very large and strong, born as it is of the greatnecessity that man shall not forget the world, that woman shall not robthe race.
For myself, I accepted my station in this plan, saying nothing beyond myown soul. None the less, I said there to my own soul, that this must benow, till death should come to part us twain.