Reaching for the handle, I open it. It was stupid of me to bring them here. It’s not like they’ll understand. I don’t even understand what’s going on.
A hand on my arm stops me as I’m halfway out of the car. I turn to look at Drea. “What are you doing, Ry? You don’t belong in there. You don’t want to belong in there.”
Her words bounce around my head. She’s right. I don’t belong here. I know it, she knows it, Virginia knows it. Everyone in the car does, too. Virginia will always belong here, and I never will. That’s just the way life is.
It’s the other part that makes my hand start to tremble on the door handle, because for the first time in my life, a feeling I’m not familiar with comes out of hiding. I think I might want to belong in a place like this. Or at least be accepted here. Because I never would be. Drea’s reaction proves that. There isn’t a question in my mind that Virginia’s parents would freak if they met me.
I know she has an expensive-looking vase on a table behind the door. A glass cabinet full of expensive china. Those aren’t the only things I eyed. I’m my dad after all.
“Just havin’ a little fun, Dre.” After I finish sliding out of the car, I wink at her. “You guys partying tonight?”
“Yep. Bonfire. You going?” Cody asks. He doesn’t typically talk much unless it’s to answer a question or speak to Tanner, so I’m sort of surprised.
“Yeah. I’ll make it out.” With each step I take away from the car, I try to shove my thoughts out of my head. There has never been a time in my life I wanted more than I have, and there’s no reason to start now. Luke’s the one who turned his back on who we are. Not me.
As soon as I make it to the door, it’s opening. Virginia is standing there in a pair of nice blue jeans and a sweatshirt. I like that about her. Most rich girls I’ve seen always dress the part, but she seems like she goes more for comfort.
“Wanted to make out with me again?” I lean against the doorjamb and cross my arms.
She rolls her eyes. “Wanted to do homework with you again.”
“Excuse.” I step closer, put my finger under her chin and tilt her head up. My lips touch hers, and I don’t rush this time. Just give her a few closed-mouth kisses before I taste her. There’s mint on her tongue, like she just brushed her teeth, mixing with her ocean scent.
A thought slams into my brain, making me jerk back. “Fuck. Your dad already left, right?” The last thing I want is an angry, rich father after me.
Virginia laughs. “Of course. I wouldn’t have invited you over if he was still here.”
Oh. I step back. It’s not something I didn’t know. Just a minute ago the thought went through my head, but it’s different hearing it from her lips.
“No.” Her expressive, green eyes go wide. “That’s not what I meant.”
But it is. “Yeah, it was. But it’s cool.” Shrugging my shoulders, I try to step around her. Virginia touches my arm, and that’s all it takes for me to stop.
“It’s not. I’m not like that. I’ve gone out with boys before, and I’ve never introduced any of them to my father. The only ones he’s met are guys I’ve gone to a dance with, because he sort of has to meet them. It’s not you. I just don’t do that. Introduce a guy to my family.”
For some reason, I’m not sure that makes me feel any better. “It’s cool.”
Her hand slides down my arm, one of her fingers latching with mine. She won’t look at me, though. “I want you here. That’s a big thing for me to admit. I had a hard night last night. I couldn’t concentrate today when I really needed to.”
It’s like what she said last time I came over, I think. When she needed to do her work to clear her head. I think it levels her—gives her stability she needs, for some reason. It doesn’t make sense why she would call me here for that. It has to be easier without me, but I’m not going to argue with her about it, because the truth is I want to be here as well.
“Come on.” I don’t let go of her hand. She uses the other one to close the door before I lead her up the stairs. My feet follow the same path from the other day as I walk to her bedroom.
When we get there, our hands part. She closes the door and I kick out of my shoes. She’s not wearing any. It’s me who sits on her bed first, but Virginia is right behind me. She already has her books out, but she lifts the small table to her lap as she settles in.
“What about you?” she asks.
“Don’t have it with me. I’ll watch.”
“Oh, we don’t have to, then. We can go get yours and—”
“Just work, Virginia. It’s okay.”
So she does. She starts writing out problems and finding their answers. I lie down beside her and watch her work—watch the lines of concentration in her forehead. Watch her little frowns as she solves a problem. Watch when she chews her nail, which shocks me. It’s something I bet she only does when she’s lost in work, because I can tell they’re manicured.
She keeps busy for over an hour without speaking, and I let her do her thing. At one point, she pushes the sleeves of her sweatshirt up. I reach out and let my fingers brush up and down her arm. She flinches, but then relaxes…and doesn’t pull away.
“I don’t want to distract you,” I tell her.
“You’re okay…”
So I don’t stop touching her. Her skin is warm and soft. I’m not sure why there’s the need to feel her all the time; maybe it’s because I’m not sure why she’s really here with me. I brush her arm and watch the little hairs there stand. I push a lock of hair behind her ear. My finger rubs the round diamond in her lobe, which I have no doubt is real. When she smiles, I touch her dimple and she shivers. Okay, that’s probably too much, so I drop my hand to her arm again, this time just resting it there. Just touching. I didn’t realize I needed this kind of contact before her.
Virginia keeps working, from one subject to the other. She couldn’t concentrate before, I remind myself. Somehow, I’m doing something for her. Me. Ryder, the guy who has two strikes, is good at stealing, and whose brother hates him. But for her, I do something.
I think I have a girlfriend… Not someone I mess around with and not a friend with benefits. A girlfriend.
And I think I like it, too.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
~Virginia~
He hasn’t kept his hands off me the whole time I’ve been doing my homework. It’s different from the other times he’s touched me. Where before it was sexual, this time it’s just…touch. That’s the only way I know how to explain it, though I don’t know if that makes any sense.
It makes my blood run faster through my veins and my heart thump harder, but I’m somehow relaxed as well. I’ve sat here doing homework, clearing my head, which is something I struggled with before Ryder came over. I question if that’s a good thing or not.
“Finished.” I close my last book and set it on the floor.
“Do you get straight A’s?” he asks, looking up at me from his spot on the bed.
“Yes.”
“I knew the answer to that. Don’t even know why I asked. I don’t, Virginia. I’m not into school like you are. That’s not who I am.” His voice holds a hint of vulnerability that sounds so out of place there. He’s cocky, and has a bad mouth.
“So?” It’s funny how a few weeks ago I never would have imagined myself using that word after what he said—coming from anyone, not just a boy. But he wouldn’t be here right now if he was a different kind of boy. I see that.
“It’s not that I don’t want you to do well. School is important. I think you can do well, but…” But what? I like the edge in him? I shouldn’t. That’s a very bad thing. And it makes me feel selfish. “We’ll do your work next time, too. I mean, not if you don’t want to. I’m not trying to push you, and it’s not that I don’t think you can do it on your own, but—”
“Shh.” He presses a finger to my lips. “It’s not that I don’t think you’re cute as hell when you ramble, but I know what you meant. You don’t
make me feel like I’m not good enough, which is kind of fucked up and unexpected, but it’s true.”
The sadness in his voice makes me wonder if he thinks he’s not good enough. It makes me wonder who else makes Ryder feel that way. And I can’t help but think that if I had met him on a different night of my life, I might have thought the same thing.
Electricity zaps at my nerve endings as I lean down. As I press my lips to his for the first time. It’s a quick kiss, and my face is on fire, but I’m glad I did it. “Do you want some Diet Dr. Pepper? I’m thirsty.” My body practically bounces out of the bed I move so quickly.
And there it is. His cocky smile. He has his arms behind his head, grinning, because he knows I’m embarrassed. The jerk.
“I’m okay. Thanks, though.”
“I’ll get you one anyway. I’ll be right back!” I nearly stumble, I take the stairs so quickly. When I make it to the kitchen, I suck in a deep breath. There’s a good chance it’s the first one I’ve taken since I kissed him.
I just finish pouring two cups of Diet Dr. Pepper when the front door opens and closes. Oh no.
Halfway there, I run into who just came in, and it’s not Dad, it’s Mom.
“I can’t do this, Virginia. I tried and tried to give you your space, but I can’t do it anymore!” She sounds slightly panicked. Not in real freak-out mode, but it could get there quickly.
My pulse is going so fast, it makes my chest hurt. My eyes dart up the stairs. I left my door open. “You have to go. I can’t do this right now, Mom.” Did I speak quietly enough?
“No, I can’t do that anymore. Look, I’m sorry for everything you’ve had to deal with because of me. I know it’s not easy, baby girl, and I know I’ve hurt you, but what you’re doing—pretending none if this is happening—it’s not healthy. I spoke to my psychiatrist and—”
“Mom!” This time I do scream. It’s the only way to make her hear me. “Let’s go outside.” But then…what if the neighbors hear?
She’s in that place where she can’t hear a word I’m saying, though. Her mind works overtime. It’s always been like that. She’s pacing in front of me and running a hand through her hair. “You won’t write. You won’t write because of me. I know about the young writer competition. Your teacher wants you to do it. She thinks you have a chance to win. You’re good, and you like it. I know you do. Don’t run from your talent because it makes you feel closer to me.”
I flinch, her words hitting me in the chest. She knows. I didn’t realize she knew what scares me about it. That my biggest fear is being like her. But then I’m angry, too. How does she know what I like? What I want? “Stop trying to turn me into you! Maybe I hate it. Maybe I want nothing to do with giving my life to people who don’t exist! I just want to be normal.” My eyes are burning now, and my face is wet. I’m crying. I can’t even remember the last time I cried in front of her, and I hate it. Tears make me feel weak.
That’s when I see the flip in her. Her emotions have always run high. She has a fiery temper. Not that she would ever hurt me, because she wouldn’t, but she’s angry, and Mom doesn’t believe in holding back how you feel. “Don’t do that to me. It’s not fair. Don’t you dare tell me I am not normal. I’m still your mother, and you need to respect me. My DID is not my fault.”
I know that. I do. I think. But… “It’s not mine, either!” Yet, it still hurts me. It hurts me all the time. “How do I even know you’re you right now! I can’t ever trust you. I never know who you are.” No one can understand what that’s like. To know that at any moment, your mom can become someone else. Someone who hates you or doesn’t want you. To need her so badly, only to see her look at you with disgust and say, ugh, it’s you again. Still, my words have hurt her. I can see the pain reflecting in her eyes as if I have struck her.
Mom pauses for a moment, wipes her eyes, gives me a sad smile and then walks out. I want to follow her and say I’m sorry. I want what I said not to be true. I want to run away so I don’t have to face Ryder.
But I don’t. Instead, I wipe my eyes, clear my throat and walk up the stairs. When I get to the landing, I see him standing in my doorway, hands in his pockets.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
I go to walk past him, but his right arm shoots out, blocking the doorway. “I know.” Then he wraps that arm around me and pulls me to him.
And I let him.
He runs his hand through my hair, holding me against him, tightly.
And I let him do that, too.
He had to have heard everything; I have no doubt about that, but he doesn’t ask. He’s the only person I know who wouldn’t ask. Ryder just holds me. I breathe him in. My eyes start to water again but I don’t stop them. I let myself feel, because most of the time, I’m too afraid to feel. I hurt her, but I didn’t want to. She’s hurt me before as well.
I never know if she will hurt me again.
Whether it’s her fault or not, that doesn’t change what it does to my heart.
It also doesn’t change what I just did to hers. I lost it, just like she does. “Do you ever feel like you’re destined for something no matter how hard you try not to be?”
Ryder wraps his other arm around me. He’s a whole head taller than I am, and his arms have moved up around my shoulders. I feel his lips press to the top of my head. “More than you know.”
There once was a girl named Destiny. She was the fastest runner in the world.
No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t outrun who she was. Then she met a boy. He said his name was also Destiny, and for the first time in her life, she didn’t feel like she was running alone.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
~Ryder~
I heard everything Virginia and her mom said.
I don’t know what the hell most of it meant. I heard stuff like, how do I know you’re you, and DID, whatever that is. The only thing I do know is that it hurt Virginia, and I want to be the one who makes it better for her.
We sit on the bed and I almost tell her how strange this is again. I’ve never held a girl if she wasn’t just a friend, or if I wasn’t making out with her at the time, but I’m not sure how well that will go over. I’ve already told her more than once this situation is weird, and I’m not sure I want to keep drawing attention to that fact. I don’t want her to realize it and make it go away.
After a while, her body language changes. She isn’t holding me back, and then she’s pulling away altogether.
“My dad will be home soon. I should take you home.”
“Go with me,” I nudge her. “I know you have a plan and this isn’t part of it, but let’s just go have fun tonight. My friends are going to a party on this private stretch of beach. Come with me. Get your mind off things, or whatever. You can even help me with my homework first.” When she smiles, I wink at her.
“Yeah…sure…okay.” Virginia calls her dad and tells him she’s hanging out with her friends Jamie and Hailey tonight. I get a tightness in my chest, wondering if it’s because of who I am that she’s lying or if she would say the same thing if I went to her school.
When we get to my house, I run in and grab my backpack. We could stay here. We totally should stay here, but I don’t tell her that. My house reminds me of all the ways we’re different.
We park by our spot and do my homework in her car. Then we go into town and grab chicken nuggets and fries, sharing the meal in her car.
I give her directions to the spot where the party is. When we pull up, she pauses before getting out. Fear rushes through me as though someone injected it into my veins. “We won’t get caught. We come here all the time. The cops don’t bother with it.” We’re close enough that I can nudge her arm again. “If anything happens, I’ll take care of you.”
This gets her attention. Virginia turns my way and hits the interior light. “I can take care of myself.”
“I know.” Boss lady is an independent woman.
The words seem to surprise her, but she n
ods and says, “Thank you. For not asking, and for saying that. I…” Without continuing, she gets out of the car. I do the same and follow her to the back, where she opens the trunk. It’s dark out, but there’s a streetlight not too far away, showing me what she holds in her hand. “I got this for you the other day. Just in case.”
A hoodie. A way better hoodie than I would have bought.
And she got it for me.
My chest starts to expand; okay maybe it’s not, but it feels like…like it’s growing and I can’t fucking stop it. Things are moving around inside—shifting and making space. For her.
What are you doing to me? I want to ask her but I don’t have the balls to do it. Instead, I kiss her. Like I always do, I have to tilt her head up because she’s so much smaller than me. Our lips fit together, move together, and I sort of want to live here—in this moment, kissing Virginia.
She’s the one who pulls away first. I pull the black hoodie on and zip it. The thing fits perfectly. “Let’s go.” I nod toward the water. It’s a little hike to get there, which is probably why the cops don’t bother.
We use our phones for flashlights as we make our way down the hidden embankment. There’s a light in the distance, music playing and people yelling.
“Are you sure we won’t get caught?” There’s a slight hitch in her voice.
“I’ll make sure you’re okay. I promise.”
It doesn’t take long for us to make it to the party. There’s got to be at least a hundred people here—college and high school students. I doubt there’s anyone from Cliffton, except for Virginia.
Opening and closing my hand, I wonder if I should take hers. It’s not something I’ve ever really thought about before and I don’t want to do the wrong thing. Before I get the chance, I see Shane, Drea, Tanner and Cody sitting around a mini fire. Shane sees me first and nods his head. Tanner stands and then Cody and Shane do the same.
Drea is the last, her eyes sort of squinting as she takes us in.