He drops his forehead to mine. “You’re tense. If you don’t want—”
“I want.” There isn’t time to be embarrassed by my declaration before he’s kissing me again. More fresh-air taste. He lets his tongue retreat so mine can venture into his mouth.
I want, I want, I want, keeps going through my head and I can’t help but try to remember the last time I really wanted something. Something that didn’t revolve around Mom being okay, or keeping our secret, or doing everything in my power not to become a victim of our curse.
I want him. Not to have sex with him I mean, but I want him. I wanted to go to that party with him, and I wanted him to use my phone number, and I wanted to see him, which is why I brought him his hoodie. I wanted him to stay when he tried to walk away that first night, and I wanted to see him tonight. Why else did I come here?
There once was a girl named Want…
No, no, no. It’s like he’s taking my control, and part of me is glad. I don’t even know him, but I still see that I’ve never known someone who is like him. There’s something there, under the surface that he hides behind his attitude and I want to know what it is. I realize then that he’s like a compulsion I don’t understand, either.
And part of me likes it.
“Virginia.” He kisses the corner of my mouth. “You.” His lips find my neck next. “Stopped.” They slide down and land on the hollow spot behind my ear. “Kissing.”
A thought enters my head as if it suddenly planted there. “I don’t even know your name.” Oh God. I kissed a boy when I don’t even know his name.
With that, he leans up slightly. There is still the feel of his body aligned with mine, but we’re eye to eye now. “What?”
“Your name. I don’t even know your name. You never told me. I’m assuming it’s Ryan because your brother called you Ry, but, oh my God, you’re lying on top of me right now and I don’t even know your name!”
His breath brushes across my face when a laugh jumps from his mouth. It’s like that first night when he laughed to break the uncomfortable silence.
Everything he does is contagious, and then I’m laughing, too. Our bodies are vibrating against each other as we both lose it over something that shouldn’t be funny at all.
“What’s wrong with me?” I finally gasp out. “I shouldn’t think this is funny. I don’t know why I’m laughing.”
Suddenly there is no earthquake inside our bodies as we’re both still as he says, “Nothing.”
“Nothing what?”
“Nothing is wrong with you. And Ryder. I’m Ryder, not Ryan.”
Ryder. I like that. “I’m scared,” I say, instead of…what? It’s nice to meet you?
Ryder frowns. “Of me?”
Head shake.
Open mouth.
Words spill out. “No…of me.” That’s exactly how my actions feel, as though someone else is responsible for them and not me.
He twists a lock of my hair around his finger. “You’re not scary. Except when you hit me. Then you’re a little scary. I get being afraid of me, but not of yourself. You’re…I don’t know what you are, but there’s nothing to be afraid of. I have a feeling you’re the kind of girl who will always make sure she’s okay.”
Yes. That’s who I want to be. “What are we doing?”
This time, Ryder pauses. He’s usually so quick with his words. There’s a shift and then he rolls off of me. My hand tightens in his shirt, and I realize for the first time that I’m holding onto him. Ryder doesn’t go far, though, he just moves to his side, looking down at me. Twist, twist, twist. His finger still works my hair around itself. “I don’t know,” he finally admits.
I don’t, either, but I want to keep doing it. And that might be the scariest admission of all.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
~Ryder~
We were quiet in the car as she drove me home last night. I told her thanks and I’d call her. Ever since I left her, all I can think about is that I didn’t kiss her goodnight and I didn’t give her my phone number. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why wouldn’t I kiss her goodbye? Why didn’t I give her my number? And then the big question rains down on me—a barrage of punches like that fight Shane, me, Tanner and Cody got into with some punks at the mall this one time—why am I tripping out about her? She’s not a big deal. She shouldn’t matter.
But she does.
I’d been thinking about her so much. I couldn’t sleep so I’d gotten out of bed and done my homework. I’m not like her. Most of the time, homework isn’t even on my radar.
It’s sixth period now, and my mind still isn’t with me, which is crazy. I’m obsessing, when I’ve never obsessed about anything in my life.
“Okay, class, pass your homework assignments to the front of the room.” Mr. Miller’s monotone voice grabs my attention.
I grab my backpack off the floor and open it. Shane’s sitting in front of me and he turns, probably because he hears me shuffle. One of his eyebrows shoots up when he sees me digging through my bag. “What? I did that shit last night. Did you?”
He nods, which doesn’t really surprise me. People who don’t know him don’t expect it about him, but Shane’s typically pretty good with school stuff.
I go back to looking through my bag, but it’s not there. I double check, pretty annoyed because I finally took the time to do it, and what? I left it at home.
“Shit.”
“Watch your language in my class, Mr. Blackstock. Is there a problem?”
Of course he would have to hear me. “I can’t find my homework.”
I watch as the bastard actually rolls his eyes. “Oh, so we’re expected to believe you actually took the time to do your assignment for once, only you just so happened to lose it? Nice try, Mr. Blackstock. You don’t do the work, you don’t get any credit. You know how it goes by now.”
One of my hands tightens into a fist and I get that twitch in my forehead. I don’t give a shit if he gives me credit or lets me turn it in late, but he doesn’t have to be a dickhead and accuse me of lying about it. I’ve had no problem admitting to not doing my work in the past, and today isn’t any different. “I’m pretty sure I said I did it. I’m also pretty sure I didn’t ask you to give me credit or to believe anything.”
He eyes me with disgust. I can tell he’s pissed I didn’t keep my mouth shut and take his crap. Not my style.
“And now you can leave my classroom. Go to the principal’s office.”
What. The. Fuck. “Why?” A few people snicker behind me, but I don’t care who they are or what they think.
“For disrupting my class. Talking back. Not doing your homework again. You can take your pick.”
“Are you shitting me?”
“Add cursing to your list of offenses, Mr. Blackstock. Now please go. I’d like to continue teaching the students who actually want to learn.”
Motherfucker. This is the stuff Luke doesn’t get. Dad was right. Most people don’t give a shit about us. They’ll find any excuse to look down on people like us...people they don’t think are good enough for them. This is why I typically don’t try. “Fine by me.” I shove to my feet.
I make it halfway to the door when I hear, “Where do you think you’re going, Mr. Mitchell?”
Fucking Shane.
“I didn’t do it, either, so why wait for you to play your power trip and kick me out?”
“Both of you better make it to the principal’s office, or it will be considered skipping.”
The door slams behind us the second Shane and I make it into the hallway. I shove him. “What the fuck, man? You just said you did your homework. You should have stayed.”
“Why? He was a dickhead to you. It’s not like it matters, anyway. Come on, let’s go before they send the rent-a-cop looking for us.”
For a second I wonder if Virginia has security at her school. I bet she goes to a place where she doesn’t have to worry about stuff like that. Then I think I’m fucking crazy for thinking abou
t her. Again.
“Are you sure you don’t wanna go back? I can chill and wait for you guys.” Shane’s smarter than me. He might not do a lot with it, but he has more to claim than being good at stealing like me. He’s good at riding his board, too.
“Fuck you, man. Let’s go across the street and wait for everyone to get out of school.”
Our school is kind of in the middle of nowhere. We jog through the parking lot and across the street. There’s a path through the woods where people go to skip or smoke.
It’s quiet when Shane and I get there, as we both sit on one of the logs we use for chairs. My cell jabs into my hip so I pull it out of my pocket, rolling it around in my hand.
“I’ll text Dre and tell her to let Tanner and Cody know where we are.” Shane already has his phone in his hand. As he starts sending the message, my fingers move along the screen of my cell as well.
Hey
Virginia texts back almost immediately. Who is this?
Ryder. Forget my name already? You just learned it.
Funny. Why are you texting during school???
A laugh jumps out of my mouth. Who the hell is this girl? Cuz I’m a rebel.
“What are you laughing at?” Shane asks.
“Some chick.” The words taste bitter on my tongue. Shane probably thinks she’s some girl I’m fucking. “A friend, or something,” I add, though that doesn’t sound right, either. When I glance at him again, he’s not even paying attention so I wait for her to return my text.
Are you sure you’re not a comedian?
I make you laugh. I imagine her blushing, though knowing her, I’m probably pissing her off instead of making her want me.
I have to go. I don’t want to get caught.
This strange fear comes out of hiding inside me, though I don’t know what it’s for. Wait. Wha’cha doing today?
School is out at three. Then I have FBLA.
Oh yeah, the future business leader. That should make me put my phone away right now, but instead I text her again. Where do you go to school, future business leader?
Remington Private in Cliffton.
Dude. Why doesn’t it surprise me that she lives in Cliffton? It’s like the Beverly Hills of our area. But then I remember how her skin felt beneath my hands and how she went from looking like the loneliest girl in the world to…I don’t know, not so alone the longer I talked to her last night.
Let me come see you.
No reply.
Virginia, I text.
After another pause, I’m sitting here all jittery. It’s fucking strange. Suddenly, I get a one-word reply.
Yes.
When school gets out, Shane and I head back over to his car. Drea, Tanner and Cody are already there waiting for us.
“Hey, can you drop me off in Cliffton?” I ask as Cody climbs into the backseat.
Shane looks at me over the car from where he stands at the driver’s side. “Yeah.”
I see the wheels turning in his head. He knows I’m going to see the girl I was just texting.
“Cliffton?” He raises an eyebrow.
“Shut up.”
Tanner climbs into the back with Cody and then Drea, and I sit up front.
“Who’s in Cliffton?” Tanner asks as we drive.
“None of your business—ouch. Fucker.” I rub the back of my head where he just thumped it.
We’re quiet most of the way. I give him directions to her school after looking them up on my phone.
It doesn’t take too long before Shane pulls up along the curb in front. There aren’t many cars in the parking lot, and none of them are a piece of shit like Shane’s.
“Dude,” Shane starts but I cut him off, feeling strangely defensive.
“It’s nothin’.”
I get out of the car and then bend down to say goodbye. “Thanks, man. I’ll catch you guys later.” Reaching my hand out, I ruffle Drea’s hair. “Don’t let them get in any trouble without me.”
She jerks her head out from under my hand.
What the? “Hey.”
Drea smiles, and the tightness in my chest eases. “Have fun, Ry.”
“Later.” I stand, and slam the door closed behind me. My friends drive off and I shove my hands in my pockets, wondering what the hell I’m doing here.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
~Virginia~
There once was a girl who didn’t know her name. One day she found out it had been Lonely. It was the day she discovered that wasn’t her anymore, and then she didn’t know her name again.
~*~
Your school is fucking ridiculous.
After looking at Ryder’s text, I shove my phone back into my pocket. There’s a slow tingle in my chest as I think about him standing outside. I didn’t expect him to come. Warning bells start sounding off in my mind, because I’m happy he’s here. Really happy, and that’s a dangerous thing.
I learned a long time ago not to put my happiness in someone else’s hands because you can never trust them not to drop it. If Mom and Dad couldn’t make it as a couple, no one can. I refuse to give up any part of myself to someone else, because no one should be responsible for me except for me. But then I remember how good it felt to talk to him, and how good it felt to kiss him, and how foreign those emotions had been before.
Not that I’ve never felt good or been happy, but it’s always grown from my achievements and activities—school, FBLA, student council—not from another person. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.
“Lulu, what’s going on?” Hailey whispers. We’re working individually today, but Hailey and Jamie both sit beside me.
“What? Nothing.”
Jamie’s eyebrows pull together. “You’re sitting there all smiley. You look like you’re in la-la land or something.”
Oh no. No, no, no, no. I shake my head as though that will make a difference. “I was just thinking.” And I was here, right here. I’m not the girl who gets lost in her head.
“About what?” Jamie still eyes me as though she’s trying to figure me out.
“Or who? Did Mike talk to you?” Hailey grins.
What? “Why would Mike talk to me?” I glance toward the other side of the room. Mike’s scanning a piece of paper. Hailey and Jamie always tease me that Mike and I would make the perfect couple. We’re number one and two in our class. He’s involved in as many activities as I am. If I were to fall in love with a boy, it would be a boy like him. Grounded, stable, put together.
I swear Hailey bursts out of her skin with excitement. “He likes you. I’m not supposed to tell you. I promised him I wouldn’t because he’s going to, but, oh my God, Lu. He is so cute! I knew you were perfect for each other!”
My heart does this little jump thing, but as quickly as it happens, I take a deep breath and control it again. These are not the kind of things I get happy about. First Ryder and now Mike. I roll my eyes. “We are not perfect for each other.” That’s just not something I think is possible. “No, he didn’t talk to me, but that’s probably a good thing. It’s senior year. I have much more important things to worry about than boys.” Which is something I need to remember. What was I thinking telling Ryder he could come here?
“He’s not just a boy. He’s Mike Dawson. Seriously, Lu, if there were ever two people who could go out and not let it get in the way of their responsibilities, it’s you and Mike.” Jamie smiles at me. “That’s why we’ve always said you two would be perfect together. You’re both perfectionists. You both would rather be doing homework or working on student council than hanging out.”
“You say that like you’re not part of student council or don’t get good grades.” This isn’t like Hailey and Jamie—to push something this way.
“No, but we balance it differently than you do, Lu. You have to admit that. When was the last time you hung out with us besides at school? I mean, you’ve always sort of been that way, but it feels different lately.”
All kinds of excuses fumble around in my h
ead: it’s the beginning of the year, our senior year; I have a lot more responsibilities than they do; I’m going to Stanford next year.
None of my reasons come out, though; instead I listen as Hailey picks up where Jamie left off. “Not that we don’t get it. Actually, we don’t totally get it, but that’s okay. You’ve always been more distant, but we just…it’s our last year of high school. We should be having more fun.”
She means I should be having more fun. And that makes me wonder what they’ve been doing without me. Things I know they would welcome me to participate in but probably didn’t ask because they knew I’d say no.
There’s nothing left in my chest now except loneliness; the heavy weight of it making it hard for me to breathe. I’m lonely. Solitary. How could I have never realized how alone I feel?
“Let’s hang out later. We can—”
“I can’t,” automatically comes out of my mouth, cutting Jamie off. She sighs. Guilt tumbles through me, but then I remember I really can’t. Ryder is outside waiting for me.
Ryder. The guy with piercings in his lip, who curses like crazy and who can’t possibly understand me. We’re different, much too different. If Mike is perfect for me like Hailey and Jamie think, Ryder is one hundred percent wrong for me. We want different things, and we always will.
But kissing him didn’t feel wrong. Listening to him talk didn’t either.
“Over the weekend,” I blurt out. It’s a way to change the subject and stifle the thoughts in my head. “We should do something on the weekend. Have a sleepover and…I don’t know…”
Loneliness is my heart disease, hardening my arteries and stopping my blood flow. I should know what I want to do. I’m seventeen years old. I shouldn’t feel lost at the thought of going out and having a good time.
“Okay.” Jamie gives me a hug.
“Should we invite Mike and his friends?” Hailey adds.
She hardly gets the words out before I’m shaking my head, though I don’t know why. Because of my plan, or fear, or because of Ryder? There are too many variables. I just know I fear the emptiness inside me as much as I fear my destiny. I don’t know how to change either one.