‘Ania, what's wrong?’
‘I need to get some fresh air,’ I say and we leave the shop as quickly as we came. I am not sure what happened with the woman, once outside, I bend over and violently throw up. After few minutes, I take a deep breath, trying to keep my balance; Gosia is panicking while holding my hair.
‘What did she do to you?’ she keeps asking.
‘It's the smell in the shop,’ I explain, trying to convince myself that it was the smell that made me sick and not what Herne said about Gabriel and his feelings.
11
Gosia is silent and doesn't say anything until we get home late that afternoon. The part of London that we ended up in looked dangerous. I slowly began to wonder if the mysterious woman was ever really there or she was a figment of my imagination.
Fortunately for me, Mum isn't at home so I don't have to explain why I am looking so pale and why my clothes are covered in vomit.
‘Right, what exactly is going on with you?’ asks Gosia when I come back from the bathroom. She is angry, I can sense it in her tone.
‘I felt dizzy when she lit the candle,’ I explain but she knows that isn't the truth.
‘First, you run like crazy after some woman that you apparently know and then you decide to have a tarot reading that makes you sick. Who was she?’
‘I met her in the restaurant, I told you. I think she is Russian, so I just wanted to ask her something,’ I say, trying to convince her to believe me but she isn't stupid enough to fall for this.
‘I don't understand any of this and I don't believe you.’
She walks off, disappearing upstairs. She is right not to believe me. I have to sit down to enable myself to understand what just happened. You will lose whatever you value the most. Herne was right, Gabriel is confused about his feelings but some of her predictions are wrong. I feel as if I have already lost him. She was right about him and that's what made me sick; the truth is that we haven't got a future together. The older woman who I followed could be an answer to it all. I have to think about this logically.
‘That's me ready to go back to my flat and my grumpy roommate,’ says Gosia, when I walk with her to my car.
I’ve offered to drive her down to her place, so she doesn't have to take a taxi. Somehow her anger has faded away. She has forgotten the incident that occurred earlier after I assured her that she doesn't have to worry about me. She finally stopped asking me questions that I am unable to answer. We relaxed for the rest of the evening on my sofa and talked about our other close friends who are currently abroad. After arriving at her flat, I park the car and help her carry her the presents that she got from me and mum.
‘I’ll miss you. I will try to keep in touch more often,’ I say.
‘Please avoid trouble. I don’t know what's going on with you, but I hope you will tell me everything when you are ready.’
‘Don't worry about me. I expect you to visit me soon so I can give you the tour around Swansea,’ I say, trying to avoid the awkward subject that we have already gone through. She gives me one more hug and leaves, wishing me good luck – I am not sure why. Her Sprite stares at me for a long moment, wondering what is going on between us. While going back to my car I see a student from the party that landed Amy in. I hesitate for a moment. He is probably going back to Swansea; Gosia’s flat is near the station, and he’s looking impatient. I already tried talking to Amy about that night, but she seemed to have wiped all the memories out of her head so I gave up in the end. I decide to walk to him and ask him a few questions.
‘Hey, do you remember me?’ He looks uncertain at first but after few seconds his expression tells me that he does and he is not pleased about me being here.
‘Yes, you are a friend of Amy,’ he says with that strong French accent. He is much shorter than me with green eyes and mousy hair.
‘I have been meaning to ask about that party,’ I begin.
‘I need to get to the station quickly. I have no time to talk about that,’ he adds, avoiding looking at me.
‘So, have you been in France for Christmas? I never had a chance to find out your name,’ I ask, trying to change the subject.
‘Yes, I visited my family in Marseille,’ he says. ‘I am Pierre, by the way.’
‘I am Ania.’
I hesitating whether I should continue asking him about the subject that he doesn't want to talk about, but I am worried about Amy so I press on. ‘Listen, I need to know what really happened at that party. I know you saw it,’ I say. He stares at me for a long while, and his eyes narrow.
‘What difference does it make? The girl is all right,’ he says quickly. I don't intend on giving up and decide I need to be firmer with him.
‘I remember what you told me at the party about a man that pushed Amy over and I know you didn’t mention it to the police – so do you want me to tell them that you gave them a false statement?’ I say in a more serious tone. He steps back, slightly staring at me with fear in his eyes.
‘OK…OK, I will explain what happened that night,’ he mumbles, looking around nervously. ‘Just make sure you keep your mouth shut.’
I nod in agreement.
‘Just tell me and I will make sure that it stays between us.’
‘I was drunk, so I don’t remember much. We went into the garden to get a bit of privacy and we started kissing then we heard the noises in the back, so we went closer but it was dark and we couldn't see anything. Then suddenly this man appeared from nowhere. I couldn’t see his face in the darkness but I remember that he had long ginger hair. He pushed me and he went up to your friend and grabbed her shoulder. He pushed her over. She fell on her head. She was unconscious so I don’t even know if she would remember him. He was swearing and he looked furious. I don't know what happened next because I think he knocked me out.’ He finishes, looking at me nervously. I am confused, trying not to get distracted by the few Sprites that are staring at us. I don't recognise any of them. Pierre is silent for a long moment.
‘You say that he was shouting?’ I ask.
‘I don’t remember what he was shouting. He was swearing with a strong odd accent.’ he adds.
‘What kind of accent?’ I ask quickly.
‘Don’t know. Maybe Welsh. I really don't know.’
‘Thank you,’ I say but he just nods.
When I finally get home it is after 6pm and Mum is back from her rendezvous with Dmitry. I think about my conversation with Pierre for a long time but everything seems so unclear. I don't remember anything from my own attack from the beach and I am not sure if I even should connect it to the day from the party when Amy was found unconscious.
Mum looks even happier than yesterday; she keeps asking me if I like Dmitry, and I assure her that I am fine with her dating him. Besides, she doesn’t need my permission to date a man. Weeks apart made me realise that I do love Gabriel; I have fallen in love with a man that will never be mine. I never felt this way about George.
The next day, Mum has to go back to work; she wakes me up before 5 to say good-bye. I won't see her now until Easter, unless I decide to come to London before that. It’s the eleventh of January and after packing all my stuff I drive off, leaving my house once again. In my mind, I still have the happy memories of when I found out that I got accepted into university, but I never expected to feel this way six months after the news. With the three hour drive ahead of me, I hope this time the Welsh weather would be better than English, but once again I am wrong. It is raining when I pass the 'Welcome to Wales' sign on the M4.
The weather in Swansea depresses me even more. The rain is pouring from the sky and cold winds sweep through the gloomy Welsh day. I know that Amy would be back from her parents by now, as she had to come back early to study. As much as I have tried to study hard before Christmas, I am panicking with only a week before the first exam.
Someone calls my name as I get out of the car; Amy is waving from her window. Nothing has changed; the streets are still gloomy and quiet b
ut I am glad to be back. Gabriel's replacement is outside on the street, staring at me. He has a large white umbrella. I sigh, disappointed, knowing that this means Gabriel is still away.
‘Let me help you,’ offers Amy as I walk through the door.
She takes a few of my bags and I walk into the leaving room. I didn't expect to see the house spotless; the whole house smells so fresh, clean. Amy never used to clean before.
‘I’m not sure what’s happened here. Have you cleaned up?’ I ask, smiling.
‘I was bored,’ she says, hugging me. As usual, her face is covered with a large amount of foundation that is darker than her natural tone. ‘How are you? How was London?’
I sit down on the sofa and tell her briefly about the Russian Christmas.
‘London was freezing. I met my Mum’s new boyfriend Dmitry, he’s charming and I couldn’t wish for anyone more special for Mum.’
‘That's fantastic. I had an awesome time back home; I got tons of presents,’ she says. ‘I’ve been back here two days trying to revise but I don’t think my brain can take anymore.’
‘I have to revise too; our first exam is next week.’
‘Yeah, I know, but you can start tomorrow. Let’s go out for a drink today, I’ll go crazy if I look at any more books,’ she says, rolling her eyes. This sounds tempting; after spending three hours in the car. I have to relax before I am going to study all week.
‘I absolutely agree with you,’ I say.
She claps and gets really excited, disappearing upstairs and shouting that she will be ready in an hour. I take all my bags upstairs and decide to lie down for a bit. I unlock the room and freeze by the door. Gabriel is back; my heart reacts instantly.
‘What are you doing here?’ I ask, trying to sound calm but my tone is too high.
Gabriel looks tired and his blue eyes follow me as I put my bags on the bed. His dark hair is longer and more tangled since the last time I saw him, but he is still perfect. I inhale, trying to restrain my flushes, but I can no longer hide that I love this man.
‘I’ve been travelling. I’m so happy to see you,’ he says in his natural lower tone. My breathing quickens.
‘Are you going to tell me where you have been?’ I ask, forcing myself to look at him. He steps closer to me, he smells of rain and the familiar electric wave passes through my body as he comes closer.
‘That doesn’t matter right now. I’ve missed you more than I have ever missed anyone before.’
He moves his body closer to mine, taking me into his arms and forcing me to look into his deep blue eyes. My knees soften and my heart melts, unable to push him away. He holds me for a long moment; he breathes harder as I try to inhale him. My subconscious is demanding that I control myself and I know that I need answers, so I push him away while my heart is crying to be closer.
‘It matters to me; you’ve been gone for weeks without any kind of explanation and now you're expecting me to welcome you back with open arms without any questions? Besides, you shouldn't even be talking to me right now; it's only just after 7pm.’
His dark-blue eyes crinkle at the corners. I know that he wants to hold me and kiss me. The passion in his eyes is clear, and even though I feel the same and want to be lost in his arms, I have to know what’s been going on.
‘I am not expecting you to welcome me with, as you say, ‘open arms’, I missed you so much, you can’t even imagine how much. I can’t explain why I had to travel, but I am back now and I won't be going anywhere.’
‘Gabriel, you have to go. I have been worried sick all this time and I cannot do this right now,’ I say in a breaking voice while my mind is screaming at me to not let him go.
He is so close to me and seeing him after all these weeks makes me realise how much I love him. He is so overwhelming; the electric current that brings us together explodes around us. I have to let him go to know if he really cares. He is staring at me for a long while and I am unable to read his expression.
‘As you wish,’ he says, and vanishes as quickly as he appears, leaving me torn between grief and pain.
I force myself not to cry and curl up in my bed, wondering why I let him go. I have no future with him yet I love him as. This feeling is so intense that it’s tearing me apart. I succumb to my tears.
After minutes that seem to be dragging, I manage to pull myself together and walk downstairs to go with Amy. I reapplied makeup to cover my misery. She is ready and excited to have a few drinks; we leave the house and I desperately try to hide how unhappy I really am. The temperature has dropped again. I don't mention Richard, but I am sure that she will explain the story after having few drinks. We walk to the centre of town, it’s a Wednesday night and the town isn’t busy at all. We decide to go to one of the bars by the main road; we find a table and after presenting ID we get a few cocktails. I try not to think about my conversation with Gabriel and concentrate on Amy.
‘I think Richard does like you more than he should,’ says Amy, looking at me uncomfortably. I start to choke, and I look at her wondering if she is serious. ‘I think he went out with me to get closer to you.’ The subject comes up unexpected; she isn’t joking. I raise my eyebrows.
‘I met him in London. It was by pure accident; I bumped into him at my local restaurant.’
‘I thought he was really interested in me, but when he came to Pontyclun he started asking strange questions about you.’
‘What questions?’ I ask, while she stares at me for a long while.
‘Like if you are really Russian, if you're seeing anyone and stuff about your mum.’
I am surprised. I was never keen on Richard, but I accepted him because of Amy. ‘Then we had a fight about it and I told him to go back to London.’
She isn’t looking at me; she is staring at her drink. I know that she has fallen for him, similarly to how I love Gabriel with all my heart.
‘What else was he asking you?’
‘Well… just a lot of personal questions,’ she says quietly. Richard is obviously really interested in me, but I am not sure why.
‘Hmm. Don’t worry about it, I am not interested in him at all,’ I assure her. ‘So have you spoken to him since then?’
‘No, I haven’t, he was behaving really strangely. I don't want to run after him,’ she says, crossing her legs and smiling again.
I don't want to draw the subject out any more so I start to talk about our forthcoming exams. What Amy just revealed makes me think about all the bizarre events since I’ve come to Swansea. I don't believe that Richard is really interested in me; he is more intrigued about my life rather than me personally. There’s something worrying in the way he talks to me and looks at me.
After a few drinks, I want to ask Amy about the unfortunate party but I decide that it isn't the right moment. We have a few cocktails and around 11pm we leave the bar and go home. I’m glad when I slide into my bed; I am exhausted and fall asleep almost instantly.
The next day, Carl and Michael arrive back at the house. I ask them about their Christmases and exams, which don’t start as soon as mine. After a little catch up, I lock myself in my room and dive into the books. I’ve got two exams that I have to prepare for and my mind is not ready to start the new semester, but it's not about my misery anymore; it's about my future. I clear my mind and erase the memories of Gabriel during my revision.
A week later, I sit the exam for the Hollywood module in the sports hall. The paper isn’t as challenging as I expected and I leave half an hour before the scheduled time. Gabriel isn’t here and I think he understands why he had to stay away; I couldn’t have concentrated if he was staring at me during the exam. Apart from the tutors in the hall, I notice number of other Sprites wandering around. The last exam is a few days later; it goes well but not as well as the previous one. I walk home with Amy, who is crying because she forgot to answer one question and believes she will fail as a consequence.
Outside, I notice Gabriel in the company of Rose and a few other Sprites. S
uddenly, I feel sick; I don't want to pass their group. They are laughing and she looks more beautiful than ever. My heart is pounding fast. I ignore him, but I feel his eyes on mine. I drop my eyes and pass straight through, wondering whether we ever will feel the same about each other. I can hardly respond to Amy’s rhetorical question about why life is so unfair. I am unable to look at his blue eyes; the pain that spreads in my heart is unbearable.
I want to cheer Amy up, but I am not well myself; I propose getting an early lunch to take our minds off exams. It’s early, around 12 o’clock in the afternoon, and Amy is pleased with the idea. We get to the nearest restaurant and order various dishes. The restaurant is quiet and I try to cheer Amy up, assuring her that she will pass. We decide to order white wine, hoping that the alcohol will take the edge off our bad mood. We leave a few hours later and I am feeling slightly fuzzy; Amy is in a better mood. Gabriel follows us but as always, his expression is unreadable. I want to touch him, feel his soft skin and remember the way he used to look at me, but my subconscious taps me on the back, letting me know that I can't.
I sleep well until a banging noise downstairs wakes me up next morning. I have a splitting headache. I open my eyes, wondering what time it is. The pulsing pain in my head increases. When I check my phone its 11am and I sigh, disappointed. Someone is still banging on the door downstairs. I wait a few minutes, but no one bothers to go downstairs so I have to get up. It’s Michael, who forgot his books and front door keys. He looks embarrassed when he realises that he woke me up. I find a painkiller in the drawer and go back to bed, hoping for few more hours of sleep but when I get to my room, Amy is sitting on my bed. She looks as if she has just woken up.
‘What’s up?’ I say, yawning. She passes me the mobile phone.
‘It’s your mother; she says it's urgent. You didn't answer so she called me instead,’ she explains.
I take the phone from her, confused.