‘Have you done the essay for war studies yet?’ asks Amy, breaking the silence.
‘Yes, almost.’
‘Richard helped me with mine,’ she adds proudly. Richard nods with approval.
‘That's fantastic,’ I say.
‘Ania, are your parents still back in Russia?’ asks Richard and I am stunned that he is so direct.
‘Ritchie, I told you already that Ania is here with her mum,’ interrupts Amy, but Richard doesn't look discomfited. He gives her a warm look and continues.
‘What about your dad? Is he also in Russia?’
I purse my lips, contemplating how to begin talking about my Father, who I have never met, and I am not interested in finding out anything about. I am not sure why he is so interested in me while his girlfriend is sitting next to him. Amy doesn't look discouraged. She is fiddling with her nails, appearing uninterested in our conversation.
‘My Father left when I was young. I never met him,’ I answer.
‘I’m sorry about that,’ he adds, still staring at me. After a few seconds, he looks back at Amy.
‘Amy, thank you for tea, but I have to go back to my essay,’ I explain. ‘Nice to meet you Richard.’
‘You too Ania.’
I leave them and walk back to my room with mixed feelings about Richard. He is handsome and intelligent; Amy is a great girl, but I don't believe that this relationship will last. His questions were too direct, and he hasn't met me beforehand. I think that I might be a bit paranoid, or maybe I am overly suspicious. Amy seems happy, and she has not been out partying for a long while.
Next week it's the end of term, and I will be back to London for about a month. I am trying to take my mind off Gabriel and focus on my reading assignment, but every time I stare at the clock, my memory recaptures that magical touch. I press my lips together, forcing his eyes out of my mind. My feelings for him are unpredictable and uncontrollable. George calls again leaving me a lovely, if patronising, voicemail but I don't call him back, feeling deflated.
I sleep throughout the night like a baby. Gabriel didn't appear in my bedroom again; maybe he changed his mind about seeing me after losing control and kissing me the day before. After a morning shower and breakfast, I ignore text messages from George and leave the house.
It is freezing cold outside and the weather has forecasted snow in the early evening. Gabriel isn't anywhere around and I admit to my subconscious that I wish that he would be somewhere around close to me. A few Sprites pass me on my way to University.
The morning is relatively quiet. A lot of students probably finished up the term earlier than they should. I believe that many stopped participating in the last week of lectures and favoured sleeping rather than attending classes and the low temperatures could be to blame as well. I almost run to get to the building, hoping to buy a cup of tea, but I stop instantly when I notice Gabriel standing further away; he isn't alone and he isn't looking at me. He is too preoccupied kissing his fiancée, Rose.
I don’t want to look at them, but I can't move. My body stops responding. I want to run away, but I am standing there and staring at them, entirely powerless. Betrayed; that's how he makes me feel, kissing her fervently without hesitation. He kissed me a few days ago with the same passion as he is touching her now. I don't want him to know that I am watching them, so I force myself to walk away. My limbs are heavy, while an unknown pain spreads inside my heart. This feeling is uncontrollable. I try to recall seeing George when I caught him with another woman, but I can't compare the emotions that flow through me at this moment.
The tears start to stream down my cheeks while other people are glancing at me, wondering if I am all right. I can't stand any more confused looks, so I rush home. I allow myself to cry hysterically when I close the door in my bedroom. I have been used by a non-existent creature that doesn't care about my feelings. I am a human and I might be weak, but I won’t allow anyone to treat me this way.
How could I be so stupid as to fall for him? I take my phone and stare at the screen for a few seconds and then I dial George's number. He doesn't pick up, so I leave him a voicemail. George would appear to be the only one who could make me forget about Gabriel. I stop crying and feel sorry for myself. Gabriel is forbidden to have any kind of contact with me, but what I saw today makes me angry.
What kind of game is he playing with me? The silence is almost screaming in my ears. I walk downstairs to make a cup of tea. My hands are still shaking when I put the kettle on to try to calm my heavy breathing. I am not able to analyse what I saw. Emptiness begins to creep over my body, and I begin asking myself repeatedly why I let him do this to me. I let another man break my heart.
‘Ania,’ says the familiar voice; I turn around to look at Gabriel, who is standing in my kitchen in the daylight. I drop the cup; it breaks, making a lot of noise.
‘What the hell is wrong with you?!’ I shout, looking at him while my I feel a lurch in my stomach. I am furious that he is seeing me like this. My eyes are still red, he obviously knows that I saw him with Rose and he shows up here to humiliate me even more.
‘I am sorry that you had to see that,’ he says, stepping closer towards me, his expression softening with concern. His deep-blue eyes are distressed and full of pity, I step back. I can't be so close to him.
‘I don’t want to see you, get out of my house!’ I roar, shaking and begin to pick the crushed pieces of the cup from the floor. How dare he show up in my kitchen as if he owns it? ‘You are a liar. Apparently you couldn’t talk to me in the daylight?!’
‘You have to calm down. I can explain but I have only got a few minutes,’ he says, squatting closer to me while putting his hands on my arms. Suddenly, all my anger vanishes and I am looking directly into his eyes, feeling calm and restrained.
‘Get out,’ I whisper, forcing myself to say it. I know that he is using all his energy to calm me down.
‘Ania, let me explain,’ he says firmly. I feel as if I can't escape, his hands are firm and his skin is warm and soft. ‘I didn't expect you to see me, I don’t love her, but I have to be with her.’
After hearing what he says I can't hold my tears any longer. His body is so close to mine that I hold my breath.
‘I am sorry, Gabriel, I am not sure what you want from me. I don't expect anything from you.’
It is the truth; I am not sure why I am upset. He is engaged to someone else and we only shared a kiss. His eyes darken and I can’t stop looking at him. I let him see me like this, vulnerable, emotionally not ready to let anyone into my heart.
‘Let me explain everything later on,’ he says, gazing at me with his deep-blue eyes. I feel exhausted and not able to fight any longer. I take a deep breath.
‘Please go, and don’t come to see me anymore. I cannot cope with this right now,’ I try to sound firm to make sure that he understands what I mean and will leave me alone.
‘Ania, who are you talking to?’ says Amy, entering the kitchen with Richard. Gabriel moves and vanishes, leaving me to deal with my housemate and her boyfriend. I can't hide the fact that I have been crying. They both are looking at me with concerned expressions, waiting for an answer. I bite my lip and quickly wipe my wet eyes.
‘Sorry, I am just talking to myself,’ I answer, and start to clean the mess on the floor and hide my red eyes.
‘Is everything OK?’ asks Richard, and starts helping me with the mess. I avoid looking at him.
‘Yes, I am fine. I just dropped it,’ I answer.
‘Ania, have you been crying?’ asks Amy, but I still avoid looking at her.
‘No, I have a cold. If you excuse me, I have got to go to the bathroom,’ I say and step out of the kitchen, leaving them both without saying anything else.
In the toilet, I lock the door. Of course they noticed that I was crying as the reflection in the mirror reveals swollen red eyes and a miserable face. I don't want to explain anything to Amy while Richard is there. I know that I will face more questions later on,
but Amy will have to wait. I rinse my face with water and lock myself in my bedroom. Gabriel showed up so unexpectedly that I wasn't able to deal with my emotions. He admitted that he didn't love Rose. Why did he want me to know that? My phone rings. It’s George. I answer straightaway.
‘Hi George.’
‘Ania, darling, I can hear in your voice that something is wrong?’ he starts.
I bite my lip, wondering if what I am doing feels right; burying my emotions and using George to mask everything what I feel about Gabriel.
‘Can you come to see me tomorrow? I need to talk to you,’ I say, making sure that I emphasise the word tomorrow. There is a moment of silence on the other side of the phone.
‘Well, it’s a bit short notice. Aren’t you going back to London next week?’
‘Yes, not sure yet what day.’
He is trying to make me feel bad for ignoring his phone calls.
‘OK, I will come to see you tomorrow. I haven’t got any more lectures anyway,’ he replies, hanging up.
I smile and began to wonder if this is exactly what I wanted. Gabriel risked seeing me in the daylight; he came and explained that he had to be with Rose. I can't lie to myself; I can’t physically be with him and the only reasonable solution is to let him know that I am not interested. George seems to have changed. I can have a future with him. Gabriel is a different story. He is forbidden to even talk to me in the daylight and is engaged to another woman. It is clear that there is a strong, unexplained connection between us. These new emotions are slowly ripping my heart apart. I can’t think straight.
My subconscious is telling me that I have to wipe the memory of Gabriel out of my head. I am not sure how I am going to do that, but it is the plan. If he appears again in the night, I will tell him to leave me alone. I spend the rest of the day reading some kind of romance, hoping that I will resolve my dilemma soon. In the evening I go to bed early, hoping that I won’t have to see Gabriel anymore. Fortunately for me, he doesn't show up, but I feel betrayed even more, as it shows that he listened to me.
The next day I am expecting to see George and I spend the whole day mentally preparing for this evening. I avoid going out outside the house that day; I am not ready to see Gabriel as yet. I know he is there but I feel like a coward.
Mum calls to check on me and mentions Christmas, she talks about the mysterious man who she is seeing and I’m glad that her life is more interesting since I’ve moved away. In the evening, I leave the house to pick up George from the bus station.
The weather’s terrible and with the wind and rain hitting my face, I decide to run back to the house and grab my winter jacket. I try to make an effort for George, so I reapply makeup and style my hair, I have my best jeans on and my reflection in the mirror shows that I’m in a better mood today. I am dreading stepping outside again but I can't hide in the house for the rest of my life. When I leave, Gabriel is outside the house; even though it’s dark I can see him clearly on the street staring at me. I ignore him and decide to drive to the station instead of the original plan of walking; looking at the mirror, I wonder if he would follow me and try to pretend that my heart won’t react if he does. I assume that Sprites are able to travel, but I don't know and I don't want to find out, the less I know the better I feel about the whole situation. When I drive out of my street, he is still there following me with his blue eyes. His expression is unreadable.
The bus station is busy and after struggling to find a parking space, I’m forced to leave the car and walk a few minutes to the station. When I finally get there, I have a few minutes before the bus arrives so I go to the shop to get a drink while I’m waiting. I feel tension in my body as I walk; I notice Gabriel who is staring at me, looking irritated, but maybe this is just my imagination.
There are a few more Sprites around me and a few of them nod towards Gabriel. He is making me nervous and uncomfortable but I can't let him see my apprehension. I focus on the fact that I’m here to see George and try and put it to the back of my mind that Gabriel is even present.
As the bus approaches, relief spreads over me, a few more minutes and I will be able to escape Gabriel's intimidating expression. A beautiful blonde fairy woman is standing next to me; she’s almost the same height as me with porcelain skin, my body tenses but I try not to let her know that I can feel her next to me. As George leaves the bus, he looks around trying to find me and takes out his phone, presumably to check if I have contacted him but disappointment spreads over his face after he sees that I have not attempted to ring or message him. I am just about to wave to him, but the beautiful fairy walks up to him, whispers something in his ear as if she’s reading my mind and then walks off, looking pleased with herself. He then notices me and smiles. I can’t help but think what she must have said to him.
‘Finally you started to think straight,’ he says, unexpectedly kissing me long and passionately on the lips, and I don’t hold back.
8
He smells of familiar aftershave; my heart doesn't react like when Gabriel touched me but I kiss George back as wholeheartedly as I can. From the corner of my eye I can see Gabriel who is staring at me, and the satisfaction hits me unexpectedly. His body shifts showing his annoyance but within a few seconds he is still again. I feel like a child for making him jealous but I don’t care.
‘Well, hello to you too,’ I answer. ‘It's too cold to stand here, let's go.’
When we get to my car, George holds my hand and talks about his day in London. I am regretting that I deliberately made him feel this way, but maybe I was just imagining that he was angry. I ignore my heart and decide to follow my head. The mixed emotions are galloping all over me. It is late when we get to the house; Amy is watching TV with Richard and it looks like Carl and Michael are out. After a short introduction and delicious dinner, I am able to relax. The scowling image of Gabriel finally fades away. I try to enjoy a long evening with the people close to me. Close to 1 o'clock in the morning, I am sleepy. George has his arm around my waist. Richard and Amy have just left to get to bed.
‘Let's go. You’re tired,’ says George. Reluctantly, I get up and we walk to my room. ‘At last but not least, I have you for myself.’
He wraps his body around mine. I am quite dizzy and I know it's because of the wine that I drunk earlier. He begins kissing my neck gently, moving his hand around my body. The memorable heat extends to my stomach: he has always been rough with his touch, and I used to enjoy it but I am not sure if I still do. He takes off my T-shirt, and we move to my bed while he is trying to get rid of my trousers. I don’t protest, as I want to feel his warm body next to mine.
‘Gently,’ I whisper when he starts kissing my stomach. I am trying to enjoy his urgent, forceful touch on my skin. He laughs and takes off his clothes. He presses his lips against mine urgently, looking for my tongue while spreading my legs with his. I can feel the excitement but in the back of my mind, everything he is doing doesn't feel right. I am gaining pleasure from his aroused body, but then I realise that George isn’t Gabriel. That’s when reality hits me and I push him away saying:
‘I’m sorry; George but I can’t do this.’
He stops kissing me and looks at me, confused.
‘What’s wrong?’
I bite my lips, contemplating how to begin.
‘I can’t make love to you, I’m sorry.’
He gets up as if he can't understand what I am saying.
‘You never had a problem having sex with me before, so what’s changed?’ he asks, bemused as if this is some kind of joke.
I can't believe what’s going through my mind but I know that my feelings for George are false and pretending to be with him and using him to push the thoughts of Gabriel out of my head isn't right.
‘I’m sorry, I can’t explain it but I just can’t do this, George. I don’t love you.’
We had never discussed our feelings before, we had just enjoyed each other’s company but this is the truth – I don't have any feelings fo
r him.
‘Don’t be ridiculous, Ania. I am horny so let’s just get on with it,’ he continues to move closer to me and touches my hand. I realise that he still doesn't grasp what I am trying to tell him and this makes me angry.
‘You have to leave, George, there’s someone else. I’m sorry but I didn’t mean for it to come out this way.’
His jaw drops as he sits back down on the bed, staring at me with disbelief.
‘You think I could honestly believe that you have managed to find someone better than me?’ he says in a patronising tone. ‘What did you invite me here for, then?’
‘I thought…’ I don't know what to tell him, my words stumble and I feel ashamed of myself; that I was full of revenge and stooped so low as to drag him all this way.
‘Don’t worry about it, Ania. I thought we could work out this misunderstanding between us before your mother…’ He doesn't finish, realising that he has said too much. I tense hearing the last word and look at him.
‘My mother? What the hell has she got to do with this?’ I shout, getting out of the bed. I can feel my pulse rising but he starts dressing and avoids any eye contact with me
‘It’s nothing,’ he mumbles under his breath, putting his trousers on. He looks around the room for the rest of his clothes. At this point, I am so angry that I can't control myself anymore and step closer to him.
‘My mother told you to make up with me?’ When he looks at me again I know that I have hit the nail on the head. I should have known that my mother had something to do with this and George is so stupid that he had listened to her. My heart is hammering in my chest as I try and process this situation. George stares at me, terrified.
‘I’m sorry, Ania, she just suggested it and you were not meant to know about this. I want to be with you, I’ve missed you.’