Chapter 6
“Okay, what’s really going on here? I don’t mean the attack on Peter; I mean, what’s really going on?”
“Guys? If you don’t mind I think Johnny and I should have a little talk in private. Is it okay with you?” said Nat and they all nodded their ascent.
“Johnny, walk with me” he said as he began moving toward the lake’s shoreline.
I followed because I didn’t know proper protocol for alien suggestions.
“You’ve found yourself in quite the predicament, haven’t you?” he said.
“Yep.”
“Do you have any idea what’s going on?”
“Nope.”
“Okay, let me fill you in on a little background. First off, as you can see, I’m not from around here.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I’m from another planet.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Do you want to know what planet?”
“Is it Mars?”
“No.”
“Venus?”
“No.”
“Pluto?”
“Pluto’s not a planet.”
“It’s not?”
“No. It lost the designation when they decided it didn’t meet planetary status.”
“Who decided?”
“The planet deciding people.”
“Who are the planet deciding people?”
“I don’t know and it’s not really pertinent to our discussion.”
“Oh, okay. So, what’s the name of your planet?”
“Heaven.”
“Heaven? Are you serious?”
“Yes, I’m serious.”
“Are you an angel or something?”
“Nope, just a green alien.”
“Okay, I have no idea what to say.”
“It’s okay, it’ll all make sense in a second. So anyway, I come from Heaven and I’ve been tasked with monitoring your little green Earth and I must say it’s been a blast. You people are by far the most interesting subjects I’ve come across in eons.”
“How old are you?”
“Pretty old.”
“What, like a hundred?”
“Let’s say I’m old enough to know better.”
“Not an answer, Detective.”
“Yes, I know. Well, on with my story. My people have been cultivating your planet for quite some time and…”
“Excuse me?”
“What?”
“Cultivating? What do you mean by cultivating?”
“We’ve been growing your planet.”
“You’ve been growing our planet?”
“Do you always repeat people’s words?”
“Sorry, I’ll try and stop.”
“Good. Where was I?”
“Cultivating my planet.”
“Oh yeah. So we were having some pretty good success with the early creatures and decided to incorporate the first set of Superiors onto the planet.”
“Superiors?”
“Creatures with higher intelligence; in this case, the first Werewolves and Vampires. We flew them in and let them roam and do what Vampires and Werewolves do and, I might add, it was a great success. They hit it off splendidly and pretty soon we had a nice little group of baby Werewolves and Vampires running around having a jolly good time. Unfortunately, we forgot one slight detail which led to the predicament you find yourself in today.”
“What’s that?”
“Their appetites. They have large appetites.”
“Appetites?”
“You’re doing it again.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. Yes, their appetites. You see, they were still fresh off the building block so to speak and we engineered them to be pretty durable creatures, able to survive at the top of the food chain and, well, a problem arose with their genetic superiority or genetic pureness if you want to be more precise.
“What problem?”
“Their bodies were designed to be perfect but we didn’t take into account the nutritional needs associated with perfection. They were running around, multiplying and eating everything in sight. Now it wasn’t their fault they were designed that way but we’d spent a lot of time preparing the world for their arrival and couldn’t sit by while they ate everything we built so we called their elders together to see if we could come up with a solution to the problem but, unfortunately, the solution they came up with wasn’t necessarily what we wished for.”
“What was their solution?”
“War.”
“War?”
“Yes, they declared war on each other. I guess in hindsight it makes sense. We designed them to be apex predators so we probably should’ve figured they’d rather battle it out over territorial rights than sit down and negotiate a more civilized solution. So they went to war with each other and have been battling ever since. You, my friend, have been drawn into the longest running conflict this world has ever known.”
“They’re battling over territory?”
“Yes. Well, now they’re battling over territory; in the beginning it was over food.”
“How long has this been going on?”
“Since they ate the dinosaurs.”
“Since they what?”
“Since they ate the dinosaurs. I told you they had large appetites. I know it sounds pretty far-fetched those cute little kids could’ve eaten all those overgrown lizards but, well, they couldn’t help themselves. Those dinosaurs were just standing around grazing on the treetops and it was too tempting, I guess.”
“They ate the dinosaurs?”
“Yes, they ate the dinosaurs.”
“All of them?”
“Well, almost all, they left the crocodiles; something about the texture of the meat didn’t sit well with them.”
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”
“Why?”
“Why? Oh, I don’t know? Maybe the fact dinosaurs were supposedly killed by a comet or something.”
“Nope, Werewolves and Vampires ate them.”
“Then where does fossil fuel come from?”
“Well, after they ate the dinosaurs they deposited them.”
“What do you mean they deposited them?”
“What do you think I mean?”
“I don’t…? Oh! Oh, yuck!”
“Yep.”
“Okay, gross, but okay. So you said you’re an Alien from the planet Heaven?”
“Yes.”
“And you’ve been using the Earth as some sort of science project.”
“Well, it’s not exactly how I would put it but…”
“And now I’m caught up in some battle that’s been going on for… how long has this been going on again?”
“A very long time. Look, I know it’s a lot to digest but I haven’t finished my story yet.”
“There’s more?”
“Yes, do you want to hear it?”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Okay, well, after a time three distinct clans emerged. It’s weird how it always seems to happen.”
“What?”
“The emergence of just the proper number so a conflict never has an actual winner. In this case it’s because the clans actively worked against each other at all times.”
“Why didn’t two of them get together and kill the third.”
“Oh, they tried, but when you put two top predators together you never get compromise. They always think they can outsmart the other which leads to mistrust and eventually the complete breakdown of the partnership.”
“So what happened?”
“They kept fighting each other, eating everything on the planet and basically messing up what started out a very promising enterprise until we decided to start over.”
“Start over?”
“Yes.”
“Start over how?”
“We flooded the planet.”
“You what?”
“We flooded the planet.”
/> “You flooded the planet?”
“Johnny, the repeating thing really does get annoying.”
“Sorry, it’s a thing I do.”
“Well, I guess it’s not the worst quirk. So, yes, to answer your question, we flooded the planet.”
“Why?”
“It’s the easiest way to get rid of land animals.”
“But what about all the innocent ones?”
“Fish food.”
“That’s really sad, Nat.”
“Yes, I know, but it really was only matter of time before they were eaten anyway.”
“So, you killed all the land animals with a flood?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Then what’d you do?”
“We restocked. We still had all the original genetic blueprints from the earlier creatures so we flew them on down in pairs and let nature take its course.”
“Then where are the dinosaurs?”
“Oh, we didn’t restock them.”
“Why not?”
“Too big. They just didn’t fit in and they were incredibly stupid. It was like watching cows chewing cud all day long.”
“What about the T-Rex?”
“The Tyrannosaurus? Yes, he was pretty cool, it’s just…”
“Just what?”
“He was so darn messy. I don’t know who was in charge of the design process but whoever gave him a giant head and baby arms should have their diploma revoked. The poor guy had to stick his entire face into the carcass and rip out whatever he could with only his bare teeth. I mean, come on! We gave lions big enough paws to eat properly but we couldn’t design the king of dinosaurs something more practical than a pair of undersized appendages useful for no purpose whatsoever?”
“So no dinosaurs?”
“You still have crocodiles.”
“Okay, hold on a second. You said you flooded the Earth, right?”
“Yes.”
“But you said earlier I was involved in the longest running conflict ever?”
“True again.”
“How’s that possible if you flooded the Earth?”
“Because those guys are really hard to kill. I’m telling you, we were exacerbated by their stubbornness. We melted the ice caps and they grabbed ahold of anything which could float and made themselves cities. It really was impressive and I’m not ashamed to admit we definitely underestimated them.”
“They made floating cities?”
“Yes, can you believe it? All that work down the drain because we gave them the ability to problem solve. So anyway, they floated their cities to the high parts of the world and went right back to their gluttonous ways.”
“Hold on. High parts of the world?”
“There’s not enough water to actually cover all the land but we sure made a dent in the populatable areas, I’ll tell you. So they relocated to the mountain tops but then the problem of sustainability arose.”
“They didn’t have enough food, did they?”
“Exactly! You’re a pretty good student, Johnny. They didn’t have anywhere near enough food to sustain themselves and, sadly, it brought out the worst in them.”
“How so?”
“They started eating each other.”
“You’re kidding me, right?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Couldn’t they fish?”
“Not very well. They tried, but remember we’re talking a long time ago; before fishing poles and nets and stuff. They basically had to dive in the water and catch one of those slow moving fishes with their bare hands if they wanted dinner. Unfortunately, they’re not exactly the most patient people on the planet. Okay, I guess technically they were the most patient because there were no other people but they’re not known as the stand-around-and-bide-your-time type of species. No, my friend, they took one look around, saw the writing on the wall and started murdering each other at an insane rate. Well, we couldn’t let it go on much longer so we decided to enact Plan B.”
“Plan B?”
“We froze the planet.”
“You froze the planet?”
“Yes, we froze the planet. It seemed a logical conclusion at the time; you know, freeze the Earth, call a time-out if you will.”
“How do you even do that?”
“We blew the volcanoes.”
“You did what?”
“We blew the volcanoes. We stuffed those chimney stacks until the pressure got so great they blew. It was a remarkable feat of engineering getting all them to blow their tops at the same time but we did it and let me tell you; it was awesome!”
“How did it freeze the Earth?”
“All the ash. It sticks around in the atmosphere blocking out the sun’s rays and as long as you keep stuffing the volcano’s spout it’ll keep on blowing its stack and puffing out smoky sunblock.”
“And it froze the Earth?”
“Yes, but then one of the most amazing things happened.”
“What?”
“They started cooperating with one another.”
“Why’s that amazing?”
“Have you not been paying attention? These people hadn’t cooperated with each other since they got there. Who would’ve figured a little cold weather would get them to see the error of their ways? I’m telling you they keep surprising me every day.”
“How did they cooperate?”
“They hibernated.”
“They what?”
“They hibernated. Isn’t that a hoot? We didn’t even know they had the ability but they figured it out somehow and began doing it in shifts. Two-thirds shut their unnecessary bodily functions off and the other third took care of them while they slept in a coma-like state. They kept doing it over and over until pretty soon they had a neat little system set up. There was enough food at the outset for the group awake to survive while those asleep slowed down their metabolisms which allowed for prolonged periods of hibernation. Now, at the same time they were starting to figure out the fishing thing because they really are a smart species if left alone on a frozen planet starving on mountaintops. So anyway, they started to catch and keep more and more fish and when the others awoke and it was their time to take over the duties of fish patrol, well, they grabbed the baton and kept on running.”
“How long did this go on?”
“For a thousand years or so.”
“For a…? Okay, I’m sorry, but I’m just going to have to keep repeating you.”
“It’s okay; it’s kind of wild stuff.”
“How could they keep doing it for a thousand years? I thought you said they weren’t very patient?”
“They’re not! That’s what’s so amazing; they actually learned to be patient. Well, I guessed ‘learned’ is a loose interpretation of what happened. Let’s say they were encouraged to try out patience and cooperation.”
“And by encouraged you mean…?”
“Flooded and frozen.”
“So let’s see if I’ve got this right. They ate all the dinosaurs then started eating themselves, got flooded, frozen and forced into hibernation; is that about right?”
“When you put it that way it sounds a bit harsher than I would characterize it but, yeah, essentially it’s right.”
“Then what happened?”
“Well, by then we were preparing to do our restocking but we still had our previous problem unsolved.”
“The Vampires and Werewolves were still around.”
“Yes, still living and hibernating on their mountaintops.”
“They were all doing it?”
“Yes, isn’t it amazing? They hated each other but knew if they were to survive then they’d need to share the information with others of their kind whom were living quite a ways away. So they sent some of the Werewolves off to explain the hibernation process and, to our utmost surprise, the other Vamps and Wolves took the advice and followed it.”
“So how did you solve the problem?”
“We didn’t.”
>
“Huh?”
“We didn’t, evolution did. Okay, maybe not evolution exactly; more like necessary evolvement for survival’s sake.”
“Huh?”
“You use that word a lot, Johnny.”
“It comes in handy.”
“Huh? Okay, well, to each their own I always say. So the Werewolves and Vampires had been hibernating on and off for over a thousand years by then and you know what happens when you do something over and over again.”
“You get bored?”
“No, you get better at it. Those little guys, God love them, got so good at the hibernation thing their bodies actually adapted and aided them with the process. They would gorge themselves while awake and then slow down their metabolisms to the point where they were basically dead; using just enough energy to keep their vital organs alive long enough to live through their hibernations.”
“So whatever you threw at them they were able to overcome?”
“Well, not exactly. Sadly, most of them eventually succumbed to the process because, well… Assume you were terrible at fishing and saw your time of hibernation quickly approaching but you still wanted to live; what would you do?”
“I don’t know?”
“What would you do if you needed food to survive but couldn’t find any underneath the frozen water in front of you but, in the caves behind you, food was lying there immobile…?”
“They ate the sleeping?”
“Yes, some of them did.”
“That’s disgusting!”
“Yes. Yes it is. But let’s not throw stones here, remember it wasn’t necessarily their fault they found themselves in the position they were in.”
“But they’re cannibals!”
“Cannibals? What does that even mean? What do fish eat?”
“Huh?”
“What do fish eat, Johnny?”
“I don’t know, algae?”
“No, fish eat fish. Birds eat birds. Virtually every predator on the planet eats others of its own kind.”
“It’s still disgusting.”
“Hey, no argument here. I’m not saying it’s right and I’m not saying it’s wrong. Far be it from me to tell people what they can and cannot put into their bodies; so long as it’s not me, of course.”
“So they ate each other?”
“Obviously they didn’t all eat each other or you wouldn’t be in the predicament you’re in today. No, there was some, uh, snacking which took place but over time a sort of natural population equilibrium took place where there was enough food to maintain those who remained. There was one interesting thing which occurred, though.”
“What?”
“The ones who ate the others awoke in a much better state than those who dined on fish alone.”
“Oh no.”
“Yes, that’s what we thought also. We were readily prepared to give up the whole project and let them have their survival-of-the-fittest eating contest when they did something which surprised us once again.”
“Which was?”
“They started experimenting. They were curious why the ones who ate the others were so much healthier when they awoke than those who ate the slimy swimming creatures so they began experiments on one another to find the answer.”
“What kind of experiments?”
“The medical kind.”
“The medical kind? I thought you said this was back, oh, I don’t know, a long time ago?”
“It was, and I’m proud of you for noting such an obvious problem because you’re right; this was before the most rudiment knowledge of medicine was available, but you’re forgetting something about our little friends.”
“What?”
“They heal. They heal at such a rapid rate they’re virtually indestructible unless you tear their heads off or eat them while they sleep. So they started experimenting to find out why eating themselves was more nutritious than eating fish and do you know what they found out?”
“Obviously not.”
“They found out it was their blood which was so nutritious. Not the meat of their bodies but their blood. You know, I’m beginning to well up just remembering the excitement we felt when those little ragamuffins began learning anatomy. Well anyway, once they found out it was their blood maintaining them so well they went on a kind of pre-modern blood drive. They kept cutting their wrists and storing as much blood possible…”
“Wouldn’t cutting their wrists kill them?”
“They heal too fast. They could get about a thimble-full of blood before the cuts closed but they kept at it and before long they had enough to last them for nap time.”
“Wouldn’t they eventually run out of blood?”
“Good question! The answer of course is ‘No’ but really good question anyway. You see, every living creature’s body has the ability to bleed and restock their blood if it can obtain nutrition elsewhere. Blood is basically a mixture of water and nutrients so as long as you’ve got both you can resupply yourself.”
“And they had fish.”
“Uh-huh, and birds.”
“Birds?”
“Flooding doesn’t really bother birds, Johnny, and their feathers are better insulators than anything else on the planet so freezing doesn’t scare them either.”
“Fascinating.”
“Yes, but I’m not even at the good parts yet.”
“Are you serious?”
“As a heart attack! Alright, they figured out their blood was the most nutritious thing and began hoarding it in anticipation of hibernating when one of them, we don’t know which, came across an interesting insight.”
“Which was?”
“Their hibernation times were based on how many nutrients they could ingest before shutting down; the more food, the longer the hibernation. So one of them, the clever little rascal, wondered ‘What if we could eliminate the storage problem and just deal with the delivery system?’”
“Huh?”
“You know, you’re right, it is a good word. As I was saying, one of them came up with the idea of bypassing the limited capacity of their stomachs and delivering the blood to the places it was needed. We figured he or she came across the idea when they slit their wrist in order to get their blood. It probably doesn’t take a genius to decode where you remove blood you can probably do the reverse and insert it but it sure does take some ingenuity. So they used what was available and invented the first dialysis machine.”
“Huh?”
“They used the hollow bones of birds as makeshift intravenous devices.”
“Huh?”
“They stuck bird bones in their wrists and sucked their stored blood while they slept.”
“Yuck!”
“Really? A species comes up with the way to survive the most horrific conditions a planet can throw at them and all you can say is yuck?”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay, it is kind of yucky, I’m just busting your chops. So, on with the story. By this time, as I was saying, a sort of equilibrium was attained whereby the surviving Werewolves and Vampires could maintain their numbers but we were worried about the problem of replacement.”
“Replacement?”
“They were still having babies.”
“Oh.”
“We weren’t going to repopulate the planet if they were going to have more babies and eat all the creatures we provided. It was this conundrum we didn’t have an answer for. Luckily, like the others, it solved itself.”
“How so?”
“Their blood. They were living off their own blood while hibernating. Now, this may not seem like a big deal to you or me but to those guys it was really revving up their immune systems because they weren’t going through the usual process of digestion and waste removal; it’d already been done before. They were eating the fish and birds, digesting the food, removing the impurities and then storing the untainted blood for reuse. What they were getting was pure, refined, untainted Vampire and Werewolf blood. Not only
that, it was their own blood. This had the effect of strengthening their already advanced immune systems to the point where virtually anything not genetically identical to themselves was seen as an invader, a virus so to speak.”
“So?”
“So when the Vampires became pregnant their own bodies viewed the unborn child as an unwanted virus.”
“Their own bodies killed the unborn baby?”
“No, it doesn’t work like that. Their bodies couldn’t do anything about the unborn child residing in them at the time but what it could do was develop antibodies to prevent the same thing happening again.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Johnny, when you’re born you’re basically a blank slate when it comes to your immune system. Your body can’t tell the difference between good bacteria like those living in your gut helping with digestion and bad ones like measles or the chicken pox. So when you first start out you let everything in and only after you’ve realized one type is bad do you start to make preparations about stopping it from reoccurring.”
“And the Vampires immune system viewed the unborn child as…?”
“A bad thing.”
“And developed antibodies to…?”
“Stop it from ever happening again.”
“So they…?”
“Can only get pregnant once.”
“So your replacement problem..?”
“Was solved by the Vampires immune system itself.”
“Hey guys! We’ve got a problem!”
The detective and I both looked to where Phillip was yelling and saw him waving at us frantically so we trotted up the path leading to the parking area where we found the others in a discussion.
“When did this happen?” we heard Trudy ask George as we arrived.
“The security guard said about one hour ago” he responded.
“What happened ?” asked Nat.
“Our office was taken by another family” said George.
“Wow! That was fast” replied Nat.
“What was fast?” I asked.
“The war has begun, Johnny; we got invaded by the enemy” said Phillip.
“What are you talking about? Just call the police or, better yet, have Nat go down there and evict them” I said.
“You don’t seem to understand. We’re down one Wolf and we don’t actually have the authority to send Nat down there.”
“What?”
“We operate on a different set of rules from the rest of society” said Vivian.
“What rules are those?” I asked.
“If you can take it, it’s yours, but you have to hold it” she replied.
“So they can just come on in and steal your business?”
“Yes. They’ll have to prove they can do as good a job as us but, yes, they can do as they’ve done” said Vivian.
“Who do they need to prove it to?” I inquired.
“The Clan Elders” she answered.
“Who are the Clan Elders?” I asked.
“Didn’t you tell him?” Vivian asked Nat.
“There wasn’t enough time” he responded.
“Well, he’s going to learn it on the fly because we’ve got a lot of things to do and not much time to do it” said George.
“You got rid of the bodies?” asked Nat.
“Yep, tossed them in the lake like you said” replied Phillip.
“Did you weigh them down?”
“Nope, tore them up.”