Looking for clues, I turned to Mannix: he was watching Bryce with intense focus.
‘You’re not working,’ Bryce said to me. ‘We’ve sent you out there, into every corner of the United States. Three times. We’ve spent a lot of money. Ruben got you plenty of inches and the book just didn’t sell. Not in the way we projected it would.’
He tapped the pages of the new book. ‘But this … This we can make work.’
Mannix spoke up. ‘But Stella’s sayings are in there.’
Bryce shook his head ruefully. ‘They’re coming right back out again and her name is coming off the title credits. She will have no part of this book.’
‘But Stella’s sayings are what make this book work,’ Mannix said.
Again came that regretful head-shake from Bryce. ‘Gilda’s got plenty of sayings of her own, and they’re all better than Stella’s. We’re going to start fresh with Gilda. She’s got a great concept, she’s got wow presence and everyone’s going to love her.’
‘… So what about the things I wrote?’ I already knew the answer but couldn’t stop myself from asking.
‘You’re not hearing me,’ Bryce said. ‘Yeah, I know, you’re in shock and that transitioning to the new normal will be painful. So here it is in plain English: there will be no second book for you. It’s over, Stella.’
‘… And you’re going to publish Gilda’s book?’ I asked. ‘Without me?’
‘That’s it. We’ve been watching Gilda for a while; we love her work on your blog and Twitter.’
Mannix spoke. ‘How much are you offering for Gilda’s book?’
‘Now you’re talking like an agent,’ Bryce said, admiringly. ‘That’s what I want to hear.’
‘One moment,’ Mannix said. ‘I need to talk to Stella. I can’t just –’
‘You don’t need to speak with Stella,’ Bryce shut him down. ‘You need to speak with your client – and that’s Gilda. Let’s start a dialogue.’
‘A dialogue?’ I asked.
‘You know what?’ Bryce looked at me with pity. ‘You guys have a lot to discuss. Why don’t you leave now? Take some time. Process what’s happened here this morning. And you and I, sir,’ he addressed Mannix. ‘We’ll talk later.’
Bryce stood up. ‘Go.’ He hurried us from the room with sweeps of his hands.
I looked at Mannix, he looked at me. I didn’t recognize the look in his eyes and I didn’t know what to do.
‘Go,’ Bryce repeated. ‘But remember! It’s all good!’
I had no memory of going down in the elevator. Suddenly I found myself standing outside in the street with Mannix and Gilda.
‘So I don’t have a book deal any longer?’ I asked.
‘No,’ Gilda said.
‘And you do? But how is this going to work?’ I sounded almost slurred. ‘Who’s your agent?’
She shrugged, as if she couldn’t believe my stupidity. ‘Mannix.’
‘Mannix?’ I looked up at him. ‘Really?’
‘Stella,’ he said. ‘We’re in a bad way financially, we need the money –’
‘… So what becomes of me?’ I asked.
‘You can be my assistant,’ Gilda said. ‘You can do my Twitter account, my Instagram, my blog. You can come on tour with me, if Mannix can’t.’
‘Mannix is going on tour with you –?’
‘Stella, you weren’t expecting this,’ Gilda said. ‘I get that. But let’s be grown-ups here. Try thinking of it like we’ve all just swapped roles. Well, nearly.’ She flashed a tender glance at Mannix. ‘Mannix can stay being Mannix. But you’re me. And I’m …’ She cocked her head to one side and smiled a wide, happy smile. ‘Well, I guess I’m you.’
ME
Wednesday, 11 June
10.10
‘My house!’ Ryan wails. ‘My car! My business, my money – it’s all gone! Why did you let me do it?’
‘I tried. Jeffrey tried.’ I could weep with frustration. ‘But you wouldn’t listen.’
‘I’ve nowhere to live. You’ve got to let me move in with you.’
‘No, Ryan.’
‘Do you know where I slept last night? In a hostel for homeless men. It was bad, Stella. Beyond bad.’
‘Did they … did someone try to …?’
‘No one tried to bugger me, if that’s what you’re asking. They just … mocked me. Men with nothing except beards and lice, they scorned me.’
It’s less than two days since Ryan’s karma stunt and already all interest has melted away. People just wanted to see if he’d go through with his lunatic project and, now that he has, the machine has moved on, looking for the next freak. No one is saying now that Ryan is creating Spiritual Art. They just think he’s a total fool.
Worse, they seem to be taking some sort of perverse pleasure in proving him wrong – no one is giving him anything.
With creeping dread, I remember what Karen said the other day – that I’m a soft touch and that, if I’m not careful, I’ll end up with Ryan in my bed. Karen is always right. Everything she has predicted so far with this karma business has come true.
But I don’t want to end up with Ryan in my bed! Ryan and me, it was a million years ago. I can barely remember it, never mind consider rekindling it.
‘Please, Ryan. I don’t want to come downstairs every morning and find you lounging around in your jocks on my couch. It’s too … studenty.’
‘You’re supposed to be a good person,’ he says. ‘It’s how you make your living.’
‘I don’t make any living at the moment. Why don’t you talk to a lawyer?’ I suggest. ‘See if you can get back some of the things you gave away. Say that you weren’t in your right mind when you did it. Because you weren’t.’
‘You know,’ he says, speculatively, ‘this was my house.’
‘Don’t you dare,’ I say, suddenly afraid. ‘That was all sorted out. Very fairly. You agreed, I agreed, everyone agreed. We agreed, Ryan!’
‘Maybe I wasn’t in my right mind then, either. Maybe I was unhinged with grief.’
‘And maybe I wasn’t in my right mind the day I married you!’ My face is hot and I’m finding it hard to breathe.
But fighting with Ryan isn’t going to achieve anything. ‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘I’m very …’ What am I? Stressed? Afraid? Sad? Tired? ‘… hungry. I’m very hungry, Ryan. To be honest, I’m hungry a lot of the time, and it makes me cranky. I’m very difficult to live with. Look, what about Clarissa? I’m sure she’ll help you.’
‘That Clarissa …’ Ryan shakes his head. ‘She’s changed all the codes and I can’t get into the office. She’s emptied the business bank account. I suppose she must have set up a new one. She’s vicious.’
This isn’t exactly a surprise, but it’s a blow.
‘Look,’ he says, ‘could I sleep in with Jeffrey?’
‘No!’ Jeffrey yells from an upstairs room.
‘No,’ I say.
‘What am I to do, Stella?’ He fixes me with pleading brown eyes. ‘I have nowhere to go. I have no one to help me. Please let me stay here.’
‘… Okay.’ I mean, what else can I do? ‘You can sleep in my office. For a while.’
‘How long is a while?’
‘Nine days.’
‘Why nine?’
‘Eight, then, if you’d prefer.’
‘Where am I going to keep my things?’
‘You haven’t got any things. And Ryan, understand this: I need to work.’ I felt panicky at the thought of tripping over my ex-husband lying on a futon in my office every morning. ‘As soon as I come into that office you need to get up and get out.’
‘Where will I go every day?’
‘The zoo,’ I say, on impulse. ‘We’ll buy you a season ticket. It’ll be nice, with the baby elephants and all. You’ll like it.’
03.07
I awake.
It’s still dark outside, but something has happened.
It takes a moment to realize what it is: I am not alone in my b
ed. I have been joined by a man. A man with an erection, which he is pressing into my back.
‘Ryan?’ I whisper.
‘Stella,’ Ryan whispers back. ‘Are you awake?’
‘No.’
‘Stella.’ He strokes my shoulder and presses his erection harder into my back. ‘I was thinking …’
‘You have got to be fucking kidding me.’ I’m still whispering but in a shrieky sort of way. ‘Get out.’
‘Ah, come on, Stella –’
‘Get out. Out of my bed and out of my room and out of my house.’
Nothing happens for a moment, then I see the ghostly flash of his naked body as he scuttles towards the door, bent protectively over his erection, like an arthritic crab.
For the love of God. How did I end up in bed with Ryan? How has my life doubled round on itself and deposited me back where I started?
‘Let’s get you in out of the cold.’ Gilda took my arm. ‘Mannix, you go home. We’ll catch up later.’
Mannix hesitated.
‘Go,’ Gilda said. ‘Really. Stella and I need to talk. I’ll make everything okay.’
Gently, Gilda led me into the front lobby of Blisset Renown. Mannix was still out in the street, looking uncertain.
The security guard seemed surprised to see us back so soon after surrendering our visitors’ tags.
‘We’re good,’ Gilda said to him. ‘We don’t need passes. This won’t take long.’
Through the glass door, I saw that Mannix had gone.
‘It’s okay,’ Gilda said to me, reassuringly. ‘It’s all okay.’
I was reeling with confusion. Why did she keep telling me things were okay when I knew they weren’t?
‘Everything’s the same as before,’ she said. ‘Except this time, well, I guess I’m the star.’
She was so confident, so very sure of herself.
‘Today with Bryce?’ I asked. ‘Did it “just happen”? Or you had it planned?’
She went pink, then giggled. ‘You got me. It’s been in the works a little while.’
‘How long?’
She twisted coyly. ‘You know … a while.’
How long was ‘a while’?
My memory scooted back over all that had happened and, suddenly, every event of the past eighteen months stacked one on top of the other, collapsing neatly into one realization. ‘Oh my God.’ My face flooded with heat. ‘That morning I bumped into you in Dean & DeLuca? That wasn’t an accident?’
She looked as gleeful as a naughty child. ‘Okay, it wasn’t. I paid attention the night before. I knew you were going to the Academy Manhattan and I thought there was a chance I might bump into you at Dean & DeLuca. I thought we could be … friends.’
‘Friends?’ My voice was faint.
‘Don’t look at me that way! I’ve been your friend. I’ve kept you skinny. I’ve styled your tours. I’ve even blow-dried your hair.’
‘But …’
‘Is it my fault that your book bombed and they don’t want another?’
‘No, but …’
‘I have talent,’ she said. ‘Do you know how it hurts to have your stuff turned down again and again? You want me to walk away from this opportunity because it’s with the people who don’t want to publish you?’
‘No –’
‘We’ve all got to survive, right?’
She was making it sound like I was a willing participant in every strange thing that had happened today.
‘This is simply business,’ she said.
‘What about you and Mannix?’ What was going on?
She flushed even pinker. ‘Okay, that’s not business. Well, not just business. Mannix and I have become close. Yeah, it’s grown over the last few months. A connection that wasn’t there before.’
‘But you told me –’
‘– that I wouldn’t go after your guy. I meant it. But he’s not your guy any more. You and Mannix have been winding down for a while. You and him were all about the sex and when did that last happen?’
I was speechless and horrified – it was true that Mannix and I hadn’t had sex since before Roland’s stroke. But I’d been putting it down to the fact that I’d been working such long hours.
‘He’s my agent now. And, I guess, my manager,’ Gilda said. ‘He’ll be doing the stuff he used to do for you. He’ll be spending all his time with me.’
‘I thought you only liked older men.’
‘Are you kidding? They make me sick to my stomach. I’ve … hung out with them because they’ve been, you know, helpful. But I want Mannix.’
‘What does Mannix say?’
She lowered her eyes. ‘I know you’re hurting.’ She looked up and held me in her blue gaze. ‘Ask him to walk away from me and I promise you he won’t.’
‘But has anything happened between you?’
‘This is difficult for you, Stella.’ She patted my arm. ‘It’ll get easier.’
‘Has anything actually happened?’
‘Stella, this is difficult for you. But he wants this too.’
‘Ruben?’
‘Stella? I’m not even meant to be talking to you.’
‘I need a favour – Laszlo Jellico’s number.’
He hesitated.
‘You owe me,’ I said.
‘Okay.’ He rattled the number off. ‘You didn’t get it from me, right?’
Immediately I rang Laszlo Jellico and, to my surprise, he answered. I thought I’d be shunted to voicemail.
‘Mr Jellico? My name is Stella Sweeney. We met once, in Bryce Bonesman’s apartment. I wonder if I could speak to you about Gilda Ashley.’
After a long pause, he said, ‘There’s a coffee shop on the corner of Park and Sixty-ninth. I’ll be there in half an hour.’
‘Okay. See you then.’
I walked across town and found Laszlo Jellico’s coffee shop. I’d been at the table for about five minutes when he arrived. He didn’t look as big and bushy as he had that long-ago night in Bryce’s apartment. I stood up and signalled to him and he came over.
‘I’m Stella Sweeney,’ I said.
‘I remember you.’ His voice wasn’t as boomy as I recalled. He sat down opposite me. ‘So? Gilda Ashley?’
‘Thank you for meeting me. Can I ask where you first met her?’
‘At a cocktail party.’
‘So …? You clicked? You asked for her number?’
‘No. We barely exchanged two words. But the very next day, when I was taking my dogs to the dog park, I bumped into her in the street just outside my apartment. Serendipitous, right?’
‘Right.’
‘I thought it incongruous,’ he said. ‘Because she was from a different part of town. But she was –’
‘– visiting a client.’ I finished the sentence for him.
He chuckled coldly. ‘She got you too, eh? She popped up in my path and, boy, was she surprised! If her current career doesn’t work out, she could always turn to acting.’
‘So what happened?’
‘I found her to be charming and somehow it was agreed that she do-over my diet. Then she overheard me grouching about my paperwork and she offered her assistance. Very quickly she made herself … indispensable.’
I was thinking back to that morning in Dean & DeLuca. I’d been so grateful for a friendly face in this big fast city. It was to Gilda’s credit how quickly she’d made herself vitally important to me also.
‘We got on famously until she produced a collection of pages …’ Laszlo waved his hand in the air. ‘I hardly know how to describe it – lists and symptoms and simplistic solutions to women’s health problems. She insisted it was a book. It was not a book. She wanted my help in getting it published. But it was entirely without merit. I couldn’t advocate it. Shortly after I refused my endorsement, she withdrew her … friendship. I gave her no further thought until suddenly she was being squired around town by that old fraud Joss Wootten. He made a contemptible attempt to taunt me because he was – if I re
member his words correctly – “banging” my girl. And in the midst of his swaggering, he alluded to his tremendous good fortune in having had a chance meeting with Gilda in his dentist’s waiting room, no less.’
I had a flash of terror mixed with something close to admiration for Gilda.
‘I became – a little late in the day – mistrustful. I did a small piece of background research and …’ He shrugged. ‘And nothing. The University of Overgaard exists. It’s an online school but there’s nothing wrong with that. She got her piece of paper. Her qualifications as a nutritionist and personal trainer are real. Then today I heard that my old friend Bryce Bonesman plans to publish a book by her. And this book consists of – how did I describe it? – “lists and symptoms and simplistic solutions to women’s health problems”.’
I nodded.
‘She had her eye on the prize,’ Laszlo Jellico said. ‘And now she’s got it. She played me but I probably wasn’t the first guy and I doubt I’ll be the last. Speaking of which,’ he added. ‘I hear your husband is agenting her.’
‘He’s not my husband.’
‘Right. And he’s not ever going to be. Not if Gilda wants him.’
‘Gilda wants him.’ I was afraid I might faint.
Laszlo Jellico shook his head. ‘So Gilda’s going to get him. I’m sorry, kid.’
As I made my way home, waves of panic washed over me as I contemplated the reality that I’d lost Mannix. Mixed with the horror was humiliation, as I relived, again and again, the conversation in Bryce’s office. We don’t love you, Stella. There will be no second book for you, Stella.
There had been multiple betrayals – from Bryce, from Gilda and, worst of all, from Mannix. Why hadn’t he stood up and pounded the table and said he wouldn’t tolerate a book written only by Gilda?
By the time I reached the apartment, I was so overwhelmed I thought my head would burst.
Mannix was in the living room, in front of his computer. He jumped to his feet. ‘Where have you been? I’ve rung a thousand times.’
Breathless with anguish, I asked, ‘Are you really Gilda’s agent?’
‘You know I am.’
‘And her manager?’
‘I don’t know. I guess so. If I’m paid to do it.’