This was a lot. It was too much. A wave of sadness for all that I had been through, for what I was yet to experience, crashed over me. What did I do now? The question was foolish and pressing. I was exhausted. All I said was, “So a computer chose us and now you’re here.” It was ridiculous, but then so was everything else. I laid my head down and cried, while the others stared into the fire, orange and yellow flames dancing in their eyes. For all my bravado and ‘attitude’, as Joseph put it, I was still a scared sixteen-year-old girl, pregnant and confused.
He moved closer and I let him. He gently put his hand on my head and stroked my hair until I drifted off to sleep.
I woke up feeling uncomfortable and cold. My back was sore and I was all twisted. Noises I had never heard before punctured the morning, birdcalls, fire crackling, and wind through the massive trees that surrounded us. I had imagined these sounds before, fantasized about how it would feel to be out in the forest, but hearing the real thing was a strange experience.
I turned to the sky, realizing that I was still sitting next to him. He had fallen asleep sitting up, his hand still in my hair. I lifted my head and his hand fell with a thud, startling him awake.
“Morning,” he said croakily, stretching his neck. He locked eyes with me and I saw it. That look. Somewhere in the back of my memory I heard, ‘like you’re the only girl in the world’. I looked away.
Everyone else was up. Clara, Alexei, and Apella were huddled together, examining a flimsy piece of colored paper. On the side that I could see was printed ‘Travel the Great Trans-Siberian Railway’. There was a picture of what looked like an antique train on the front, with the phrases, ‘trip of a lifetime’, and ‘family friendly’ written in yellow bubbles.
“What are you looking at?” I asked. Curiosity was getting the better of me, even though I really didn’t want to talk to Apella.
“This is the map we are going to follow,” Apella said.
“So this is your plan?” I said, hoping to God it wasn’t.
Apella patted Alexei’s arm lightly and turned to me. “Alexei used to work in the archives. He found a map in a folder marked ‘Pass Times’. When he noticed the railroad led all the way to Mongolia he, well we—” she gazed at him adoringly, “thought this would be the perfect plan.”
“And then what?” I said, folding my arms across my chest.
She avoided my eyes, looking to the side of my face. “When we find it, if we can make it to the mountains, we might find a safe place to hide over winter.”
I laughed bitterly. It sounded ludicrous. No, suicidal.
Sensing my not-very-well-hidden skepticism, Alexei added, “We can find the railway tracks and then we can follow them. Since we can’t use the reader’s GPS for risk of being tracked, it is the best way forward.” It was the first time he had spoken and it didn’t help my impression of him. His voice was wobbly like he wasn’t used to speaking. He sounded unsure and defensive.
What could I say? I was their captive at this point so I went for an attack. “Yeah, well, if you two don’t stop gazing at each other like that, you’re all going to remember what I had for dinner last night,” I spat at them. They were disgusting. I was truly fighting to keep my stomach calm. Apella blushed lightly and Alexei looked at me like I was some breed of female he had never encountered before. What was the word for him? Genteel.
Joseph chuckled. “Well, let’s get some breakfast into you.”
Deshi walked over and sat next to me. I shifted away from him a little. He just shrugged. He was holding a grey box. He opened a drawer, tapped a small pill from a jar he pulled from his pocket into the tray, and dripped some water into it from his flask. He replaced the tray and waited. A light on the top of the box turned from red to green. He pulled out the tray to reveal grey mush filled to the brim.
“Breakfast is served!” he said with a wink.
“What the hell is that?” I asked, staring at the gelatinous glob wobbling in front of me.
“I made it,” Deshi said proudly, shaking the tray under my nose. “It’s a self-sufficient, rehydration…” he twisted his lips to the side, thinking, “thing-a-ma-jig.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Thing-a-ma-jig?”
Deshi smiled unsurely. “The title’s a work in process. You probably recognise the grey substance from your milkshakes in the facility. It’s a high-protein, highly nutritious, synthetically manufactured food. It tastes like licking a glue stick but it will keep us alive.”
I shrugged. It was tasteless, but I ate it. It settled my stomach at least.
When I had finished, I was ready to fire my questions. I wiped my mouth on my sleeve and said, “So the plan is to find this track and follow it, for god knows how long, and then what? Freeze to death on the edge of a mountainside?” We had been warned at school about the dangers of the outside—the harsh terrain and the bitterly cold winters.
“It’s not as stupid as it sounds, Rosa. They will be expecting us to follow the rivers or the animal tracks. This way, we may have a chance of avoiding capture.” Of course, I had forgotten that people would be looking for us, especially Apella, since she was so important to the project.
“They’ll find us, especially while we’re with her,” I pointed to Apella accusingly. If I could smack her, I would. I paused on that thought. I could… She had put us all in danger with this crazy plan. Apella held out her wrist in front of the fire. She was scarred, new flesh growing around the edges of her tattoo.
“What have you done?” Although, I knew the answer to my question. They all had the same scratchy scars on their wrists, except for Joseph. I grabbed the scanner that Deshi had been playing with and held it over Apella’s wrist. “Ana Keffi,” the reader stated. I wondered if there was any level this woman wouldn’t stoop to. I glared at her and stood gracelessly. I wanted to leave. I picked a direction and started walking.
I could hear him following me as he noisily stomped through the forest. It was slippery, mossy grey rocks covering the ground. The trees out here were thin birches; their long white trunks spattered with grey were so close together they made me feel like I was behind bars. A natural prison. I was squinting up at the sun, trying to work out which way to go, when I lost my balance and fell. He grabbed my arm before I hit the ground, pulling me up roughly.
“You know you’re walking right back to where we just got you from?” Joseph said.
“Maybe I would be better off,” I said, knowing full well that was a lie.
“Don’t be so foolish, Rosa. You know…” he didn’t get to finish. I made him regret every word. I turned around and pushed him hard. I wanted him to fall, but the trees were so thick he just bounced off one, rubbing his back. He didn’t look surprised.
“You think I’m foolish? What the hell do you think you’re doing? What exactly do you think is going to happen to us? We’re going to die out here,” I screamed, pulling at my hair. I was beside myself. There was no scenario I could think of where we could come out of this ok or even alive.
“Take me back,” I said as I pushed him again.
“No.”
“Take me back!”
“I won’t take you back, so stop asking,” he said with a shrug.
He let me yell, rant, and rave, smacking into trees, throwing my arms around until I had nothing left in me. I sat down panting and he sat next to me wearing that infuriating, bemused expression.
“What?” I said crankily.
“Nothing,” he put his arms up in surrender. “It’s just…you’re beautiful.”
I rolled my eyes. “Even like this?” I pointed to my ball of a stomach.
“Even more so,” he said, looking at the ground. “Look, I know this is a lot, and I know you probably have a ton of questions, so ask me anything and I will tell you the truth.”
I’m sure I should have had loads of questions but only two came to mind: Rash and my father. I needed to know if Rash and the boys were safe. I couldn’t bear the idea that my behavior had translate
d into them being hurt. I hoped they were smart enough to distance themselves from their association with me.
“Is Rash alive?” I asked, shutting my eyes tightly as if that could shut out any bad news.
“If that’s the kid you were always sitting with, then yes, he’s alive.” He sounded disappointed. “You really care about him, huh?”
“Of course, Rash, Henri, all of the boys, they were my family.” I missed them so much. It hurt just to talk about them. Smells of sawdust mixed with blood permeated my senses.
“They’re all fine, sadder and quieter than before, but they’re ok.”
I didn’t really understand his attitude. He seemed upset that I had asked this question. Hurt. I was so relieved that they had survived, that I hadn’t brought down some awful punishment on them. I smiled thinking about the last time I had spoken to Rash, how we hugged and he had joked about not liking me ‘that way’, that he preferred his girls with a bit of meat on them. A soft laugh escaped my lips. I wondered what he would think if he saw me now. Probably make some joke about me laying off the gruel. Those short months seemed like a dream to me now. I wished he were here with me.
“I’m sorry that you were taken away from them,” he said.
“Don’t apologize… That,” I emphasized, “was not your fault.”
“Can you tell me what happened?” He was searching my eyes, so troubled. I touched my hand to my jaw, remembering the devastating slam of that hammer, the way it split and shattered my delicate face. There was no scar, but I touched my tongue to the inside of my mouth, placing it in the hole where three of my teeth used to be. I shook my head. I couldn’t talk to him about that. I was ashamed. I didn’t want to admit to how badly I had wanted that life, and how fantastically I had destroyed it.
“Anything else, then?” Joseph raised one eyebrow. His face was so close to mine. I wanted something, but recalling those feelings was hard. They were just out of reach, buried under a thin layer of grit and rubble.
“What did my father ask you to do?” This question genuinely surprised him. He took my hand in his. I recoiled. Not ready. He smiled.
“You remember that your father was my teacher, right?”
I nodded. He hooked me with those eyes and I had to stretch my anger, remind myself that I wasn’t sure about him yet. But God it was hard.
He shook his head slightly, too long a silence between us. “Your father and I were close. He was…different to the other teachers. He helped me prep for the Classes with extra tutoring.” I closed my eyes and just listened to his voice. The deep rumble of it, the way it felt in my chest. I could enjoy it because he couldn’t see what it was doing to me. “When word had come that your mother was pregnant, Lenos was concerned for you.” I shrugged, news always traveled fast in Pau. “Especially after what Paulo had done to his brother all those years ago.”
I opened my eyes, “What are you talking about?” Now I was surprised.
“I thought you knew. Everyone knows.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Well, I guess that makes me the only clueless idiot in Pau who didn’t know,” I said, throwing my hands up in the air and letting them flop back down in my lap. I was regretting my question.
Joseph rubbed the back of his head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…” I rolled my eyes. His trepidation around me was as irritating as his amusement at my anger.
“Just tell me what I apparently should already know.”
He gave me a look like, ‘are you sure?’ I just sat in silence until he continued.
“Well, about ten years ago, Paulo’s brother had a child and kept it a secret. Lenos said even Paulo didn’t know about it at the start. But as the child grew, it became harder and harder to keep the secret. At that point he appealed to Paulo for help. Your stepfather called the police straight away and… Well, you can guess what happened to them.”
The truth was crystalizing like a mirage made real. The heartless couple. The way Paulo had cruelly forced me to watch as the police had mutilated the couples’ bodies. I felt deep sadness for my mother. Why on earth had she chosen such a man? Then that too was explained. My father did not leave us—Mother left him. She couldn’t cope with his constant troublemaking, his resistance to authority, and his attitudes towards the Superiors. She threatened to turn him in if he did not leave the two of us alone. So I guess she chose Paulo, because he was the opposite of my father in every way.
“Are you all right?” Joseph asked. I was staring through the trees. Thinking about my father, how I had always wondered why he left, and why he had never contacted me. It was a small comfort to know that maybe he had wanted to, but he couldn’t because of my mother. A very small comfort.
Clara emerged from the clustered trees, barely fitting between the trunks as she made her way towards us. She took my hand and pulled me up.
“We need to move,” she said, puffing hard but with that beautiful smile on her face. Framed by the light shining through the trunks, she was an angel. “Alexei says we only have a day’s head start and we need to make the most of it.” She flashed a grin at Joseph, which he returned in full. I could tell they would get along very well. “You must be Joseph,” she said and curtsied. She nearly fell over but he caught her. “You’re strong,” she giggled as he helped her stand.
“So are you,” he laughed. “You managed to move this lump over here,” he said as he pointed in my direction. I scowled at him. Laughing, smiling was hard. Deshi called Joseph and he left us behind as he bounded towards the campfire.
Clara linked arms with me and kissed me on the cheek. “So that’s Joseph,” she said, playfully elbowing me in the side as we walked. “Finally I get to meet him.”
“What do you mean, ‘finally’?” I couldn’t remember ever mentioning his name before.
Joseph slowed his pace at the mention of his name.
“After all those nights of you talking about him or to him in your sleep, it’s nice to finally see him in the flesh.”
I blushed. He was pretending not to listen, but I could see him smirking as he walked towards the others.
We reached the fire and there was a clatter of activity. There was barely time to think. Alexei threw a pack at me, and a green-grey coat. I pulled them on.
“I’m glad you decided to stay,” he said, out of breath.
“I didn’t say I would stay,” I announced.
“Well, you have two choices,” Joseph said, trying to force my hand, “follow us or go back to the facility.”
“Those are not the only choices. I will come with you, but I’m not going to follow you. If you want me to stay, then you have to include me in your planning. I will have a say and so will Clara.”
Joseph sighed, he knew me. He knew I wasn’t going to go along with everything they had already decided. If anything, I was always good at throwing a spanner in the works. We had all stopped moving. Alexei broke the silence.
“Very well, good, we will fill you in as we walk.” His voice had an academic edge to it. It didn’t help that he had thinning hair and spectacles. He looked like he spent all his time indoors reading books. I had my doubts that he would be the right person to lead this ridiculous group of travelers.
“Where are we going?” I asked him.
“Into the Wilderness.”
We walked in a southeasterly direction. Alexei had an old compass he had swiped from the archives. He held it flat in the palm of his hand and shuffled around in circles until he looked off into the distance, squinted, and said, “That way.” The GPS in the reader would have been so much easier but Alexei was right, if we turned it on, it would be like a homing beacon for the Woodland soldiers to follow.
I had agreed to look for the railway line because I couldn’t come up with anything better and we couldn’t stay where we were. We hadn’t seen any evidence that people were looking for us, but I was sure they would be. Deshi explained that the antidote smoke he had engineered was designed to stick to the inside of the ventilation
shafts and continue releasing small amounts of the purple cloud for another three days. He had set it up to explode with such force that every vent and shaft, every pipe, was covered. In some cases, it probably blew the pipe covers into the rooms. I told him about my sophisticated mashed potato plug. He laughed and said that it would have shot across the room like a bullet. It would take the White Coats quite a while to clean the airshafts and get the girls back inside. So we had to make the best of the head start.
I thought about the girls we had left behind. I hoped some had got away, but we hadn’t come across one yet. I wished we could have helped them. Deshi felt the same way, but our group was conspicuous enough, without adding more hysterical, pregnant girls to the mix. I felt horribly guilty about being the one that got away. But having Clara with me helped ease that guilt.
We usually walked at the back, mostly because Clara was so slow, but also because I liked to keep as much distance between Apella and myself as I could. The more I knew of her, the more I disliked her. She seemed weak and followed Alexei around, lovesick and useless. She had no skills out here in the real world, and relied entirely on him for everything. It was extremely hard to believe that she had headed up the massive, secret operation that Clara and I had been caught in. Alexei led the way, and Deshi and Joseph took turns walking behind us.
We trudged through the forest from dawn until it was nearly dark every day. There was so much to look at but we never stopped to take in the scenery. The tall pines stretched to the sky, dropping needles in our hair one minute, then we were out in a field moving through low grass and wild flowers. I loved the green, the rocks, and the flowers.
I had been underground all winter and now it was spring. I found I could recall many of the names and uses of the flowers and plants we passed. My favorite was the Campanulas, a small, delicate, purple bloom shaped like a bell. It grew in clumps in the grassier areas. I would pick them and put them in Clara’s hair, making her smile, which always made me smile.
Clara was about ready to have her baby. It seemed like it could happen at any moment and I was dreading that day. I think we all were. Every time she made an uncomfortable noise, everyone jumped. They let her rest as much as they could, but we had to keep moving. Sometimes Joseph would carry her for a spell, which she loved. She would talk with him or more, at him, about her life, her baby. She pressed him to talk about me, how we met, what happened, why was I so angry all the time?