It was a strange set of senses I was experiencing. The smell of the pine needles was refreshing and stirred up pleasant memories of a life past. I know I should have been fearful but I wasn’t. From here, the wolves looked less menacing and more entertaining. And with Joseph’s arms around me, I felt calm. I thought about how many times I had wished to be in his arms before. Before everything had changed. I felt safe, certainly, but I was sure it couldn’t last. Nothing ever did.
On the ground, the wolves were scratching the tree trunks, jumping up, and sometimes fighting with each other. Their sharp claws made shredding noises as they tore large chunks of bark from the poor bleeding tree. Yelping and howling. Every time I thought they had given up, they would start again. They were ravenous.
Despite this, I still found them stunning. Their long fur was standing on end and they were mad with hunger, but there was something so fierce and powerful about them. We were in their world now and I was fascinated by their behavior. The black wolf was clearly the leader and two other, bigger, stronger wolves flanked him. One of them was the scout I had encountered earlier. They behaved how I imagine a family would… Helping each other most of the time, occasionally fighting, but all working towards the same goal—to kill and eat us.
“Look at them,” I whispered. “Aren’t they beautiful?”
Joseph scoffed. “Yeah, they’re gorgeous; I particularly like the look of the one that sank its teeth into you.” I didn’t really think he would see them the way I did.
He was shivering and I noticed that he was only wearing a thin shirt. He must have dropped his jacket on the ground when we ran. I was sitting across his lap, with my back against the trunk of the tree. I leaned into him, trying to warm him with my own body. Slowly, his breathing steadied and he stopped shaking. I could just make out his face in the moonlight. He smelled like the woods, like damp dirt and wood fire. I liked it. After being in an artificial environment for so long, these natural smells were intoxicating to me.
He slid his hand down my leg slowly and gently tried to lift my boot off. I was shivering but I wasn’t cold. I was not used to this closeness and every touch felt charged. I winced as he carefully pulled it. The blood was drying and the boot and sock were stuck to each other and my foot. He dropped it down and I watched as it bounced off branches and landed amongst the wolves. They jumped back then leaned in to sniff it, shaking their heads in frustration when they realized it wasn’t attached to one of us. Then Joseph started working his fingers into my sock. I shuddered.
“Please leave it! It has stopped bleeding,” I said a little too grumpily. He let my foot fall and I let out a small squeak in pain.
“Are you all right?” His hand was searching for my face. I held still. He traced my lips with his finger. “I can’t see you; you have to tell me if this is ok.” I wasn’t sure what he meant. Was he asking me if my foot was ok, or was he asking if his hand on my face, his other hand gripped tightly around my waist, was ok? I didn’t know, so I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to feel this way but a very big part of me was more content than I had ever been—which was ridiculous given our situation. We had each other captive; there was no running from him now.
“I can see you,” I said. He was smoothing my hair back from my face, running his hand down my neck. Warmth was all I could feel, like liquid gold running through my veins.
“You must be part wolf,” he joked. I could feel his breath, warm, drawing me in. His face lit up by the moon, eyes earnest, painful in their restraint. I knew I should stop him. I knew what he wanted, and that he wasn’t going to get it from me. His lips were brushing my neck. I reacted, giggling. It tickled.
Suddenly, the sound of tearing fabric interrupted us. Initially panicked, thinking someone had fallen from their tree, I saw the wolves had moved on to our packs. I could hear plastic wrappers being torn open and wolves growling and fighting over our dried meat and bread.
“There go our supplies,” yelled Deshi from the other tree. I was staring down at the ground, straining to see what the wild animals had done. They didn’t seem so scary this far up. They were just puffs of fur moving around each other in a destructive dance. Joseph’s hand was pulling my face towards his own. He was clumsy because he couldn’t see, but his intent was clear. I went rigid. He sensed my hesitation and spoke.
“Please, I need to do this. I need to finish it.” He sounded so determined.
“Finish what?” I asked, confused.
“I owe you this kiss; I need to kiss you back. The way I should have back in Pau,” he said sincerely, nervously. Like he had practiced this speech before. It wasn’t like him to be nervous. I couldn’t help myself.
“Geez, could you be any sappier?” I laughed. I could see him smiling, his strong jaw and cheeks looking more angular in the moonlight. And then his lips were on mine and I forgot everything. Every logical argument for why this shouldn’t happen flew out my head. We were both overcome. It was more than I had expected, more intense, almost to the point of being painful. I couldn’t pull away. He was never going to pull away. He was right. This was what it should have been like the first time.
I don’t know how long it lasted. It could have been a minute—it could have been hours. Slowly though, we disconnected from one another. I forgot where I was and over balanced, teetering backwards just slightly, he had me though. I felt like, perhaps, he would always have me. He held me tightly, running his fingers gently up and down my arm and kissing me lightly on the neck. I buried my head in his chest, listening to his heart, feeling the rise and fall as he breathed. I wondered if we needed to speak. Should I say something? Was he going to say something? The biggest question would spoil everything, so I left it. I wanted to stay here, with him, as long as I could. The gold spread through my body. Like a drug, it found its way through every part of me, threatening to dislodge that stone in my heart.
Somehow, I must have drifted off, because when I opened my eyes, it was dawn. I felt stiff and achy. My ankle was throbbing and crusty with blood. Joseph was awake. He was looking down at me, eyes protective, but with a slight smile on his face.
“How are you feeling?” he said. He was still holding me tight. I was still curled up in his lap, very reluctant to move at all. This was the safest place in the world to me; I didn’t want to give it up.
“I’m fine,” I said croakily. I took his hand in mine and kissed it. He held out my arm to inspect it and traced the numerous scrapes and scratches lightly with his fingers, sending more shivers through me.
“Are you cold?” he asked. I shook my head, attempting to make myself smaller, so he could wrap himself even more tightly around me.
I looked down through the branches. The wolves were gone but they had left a huge mess. Everything was destroyed. The others were already out of the tree. Clara was standing with her hands on her hips, arching her back and beaming at us. She looked very tired.
“Good morning, you two,” she said. I didn’t like her tone. Joseph eased me off his lap and helped me climb down from the tree. The stench burned my nostrils as soon as my good foot hit the ground. The wolves had certainly ‘marked’ their territory.
I surveyed the torn bags and crumbs of food, shaking my head. There was very little we could salvage. Clara sidled up to me, slipped her arm in mine and whispered in my ear, “Joseph and Rosa sitting in a tree k…i…s…s.” I cringed. I gave her a look, which she understood to mean: I don’t care if you’re pregnant; if you finish that sentence, I’m going to finish you. She stopped and grinned at me. Threats never worked with her. Joseph jumped to the ground with ease, barely able to control his glee. Then Clara saw my foot.
I’ve never had someone fuss over me so much. She sat me down and cleaned the wound, chastising me constantly for lying to her. I pointed out that it was Joseph that lied to her. She whacked the back of his legs as he passed. “Ouch!” he said in mock pain. Their mood was easy to read, like co-conspirators, they just had to give each other a knowing loo
k to work out what the other was thinking. She may as well have congratulated him. But now that I was back on the ground, reality was creeping back in. I was a bit embarrassed. Conscious that maybe the others knew as well. Although, they didn’t seem to show it. They were too concerned with sifting through the chaos our four-legged pursuers had left for us.
Looking at the bite marks, it seemed I was pretty lucky. I had two neat gashes where the wolf’s teeth had connected with my flesh and dragged across it as Joseph pulled me up. They weren’t too deep. I shut my eyes, remembering the pain as the beast had sunk its fangs into my ankle. The bleeding had stopped. It was going to be hard to walk on though. While Clara was bandaging it up with some torn-up scraps of fabric she had found, care of the wolves, Alexei was busy scanning his reader. He said we needed to get moving. We needed to evacuate the wolves’ territory before they returned. It would mean walking all day, with very little breaks.
Joseph scooped me up in his arms; he touched his forehead to mine affectionately. Our eyes connected—it was easy to get lost in those green eyes. But I was aware that everyone was looking at us. I asked him to put me down. I would walk, at least, for a while. He looked like he hadn’t slept all night and we all needed to save our energy. He scrounged around and presented me with a long piece of wood with my missing boot on the end of it. I tried to shove the boot on my foot but it was hard with all the bandages. Joseph walked towards me. “Sit down,” he ordered. I obeyed. Gently he lifted my leg, sliding both hands down from my knee to my foot, slowly. I trembled. He balanced my foot on his bended knee and loosened the laces on my shoe. As he positioned my shoe, he winked. As infuriating as ever. “You’re blushing,” he whispered, as he helped me to my feet and handed me the walking stick. I tried to hit him with the stick but he was too fast for me. He ducked and ran to the front of our group, consulting Alexei about what we needed to do next. Although, he may as well have skipped off for how pleased he was with himself.
We put everything we owned into a couple of packs, which Alexei and Deshi took turns carrying. There wasn’t much. We had lost all our water and dried food. What we had saved or really, what the wolves had decided they didn’t want, were empty water containers, our blankets, and the grey box that had dispensed my breakfast. Apella still had her little pack, which I reminded myself I needed to ask her about.
Deshi led us with the help of my instructions to where we had found the railway line.
When we arrived at the railway line, Clara was already completely exhausted, and we’d only been walking for about twenty minutes. It had taken a lot out of her scrambling up the hill, and Joseph was unable to help her because he was carrying me. With my injured foot, I was struggling to do very much. I hated being dependent on anyone, let alone Joseph. I hoped once we were on the track, I would be able to walk on my own. After months underground, Clara and I were both quite unfit, despite the ‘exercise’. Joseph let me stand when we got to the top, and we watched as Alexei and Apella celebrated the finding of the line.
She took his pale face in her hands and kissed him. “We found it.”
He pulled her into his chest, his thin fingers pressing into her back. “I knew we would sweetheart.” Yuck! “We might just make it.”
She gazed up at him, her blue eyes hopeful.
She was pathetic. I honestly couldn’t understand what he saw in her. Alexei had proved useful so far. He had knowledge and survival skills. He was also strong, despite his slight appearance. But he loved her. The way he held her and looked into her eyes, that much was obvious.
“So which way do we go?” I asked. My sense of direction was never very good and I was so turned around, I really had no idea where we were.
“We head east.” Alexei pointed towards the track that snaked off into the distance, looking like it climbed, looking like it was carved into the side of the mountain.
“Fabulous!” I said, sarcastically. I looked at my group of travelers. Deshi looked as doubtful as I was. Joseph and Clara were smiling, although Clara looked a bit drained, her skin looking sweaty and green. At least the weather was warm and we had a track to follow. Thinking of the sun and the warmth, my mouth felt suddenly dry. Deshi vocalized what I was thinking before I could.
“Has everyone forgotten that we have no water?” he said, irritated. I wondered what he knew of last night. I felt bad that it may have hurt him.
Alexei took out his map from his back pocket. He was wearing sturdier clothes than the rest of us, who were in Class uniforms. He had thick, cotton pants on, dark green in color. He was studying it intensely. I hoped there was a line of blue somewhere on this map that would lead us to water. I didn’t notice that Joseph had come up behind me, until I could feel his breath on my neck. I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t want to have this conversation, especially not in front of everybody else.
“I just want to tell you…” he hesitated, stepped back from me, and wiped his nose with his hand. His face was scrunched up—was he in pain? “Oh Rosa, you stink!” he laughed. I smelled the air. Something certainly smelled revolting. It was the same smell as back at the campsite and it was coming from me. My boot. Once we were standing still, it emanated the pungent stink of wolf urine. Joseph was doubled over laughing. Deshi slapped him on the back and was smiling too. Even the corners of Apella and Alexei’s mouths were turned up.
The only person who wasn’t amused was Clara. She came to my defense, smacking them both lightly on the head. “What’s the matter with you two? Hasn’t she been through enough?” The boys sucked in their laughter and looked at their feet like they were about to get detention. “We need to move. Now. Stop playing around and start walking,” she said sternly, but with a twinkle in her eye. I smiled. Sometimes, when she wasn’t talking about moons and rainbows, she took on this tone that sounded so much older than her years. Motherly almost. Deshi pulled Joseph to his feet and they strode off, laughing and talking. I stayed downwind, at the back of the group with Clara. We were the slowest anyway, with her waddling and my limping.
After a few minutes, Joseph and Deshi calmed themselves and took on the task of scouting for water. They would divert from the tracks every few kilometers and head into the forest. They always came back with their hands in the air. Nothing. They were way ahead of us. Apella and Alexei walked hand in hand in front. Joseph kept looking back at me, but thankfully, he was giving me the space I needed. He knew me well enough to know I didn’t want to talk to him just yet. Or maybe he was afraid of what I would say.
Clara took my hand. It felt tiny in my own. She swung our arms together like we were schoolgirls. She was like a tiny ray of light—always smiling, always a comfort. She looked to me and smiled, shiny white teeth gleaming, her springy, black hair bouncing up and down as she walked.
“I’m glad to have you to myself for once.” She gave my hand a squeeze.
“Me too,” I said. Distance from Joseph was a good thing at that moment.
“It is so beautiful here. In Palma we wrote about the Wilderness but only from our imagination. It’s so much more than I had expected,” she said, her face full of wonderment.
She was right. From where we stood, we could see a carpet of alternate greens. The sky was clear blue. The spring weather brought with it warmth but not heat. The grey, rocky mountains contrasted with the pines. There was life everywhere. She patted her belly.
“Yes, we could be at home here.” She was talking to her child, so dreamy. Sometimes I did wonder if she was ‘all there’. She was full of hope, which was not a bad thing, but I couldn’t understand from what source it originated. After everything she had been through, she seemed unaffected. It had to be the baby that kept her so buoyant, something I neither comprehended nor wanted.
Something occurred to me that hadn’t before. Spring weather.
“What month is it?” I yelled to Alexei.
“It’s just turned to April today,” he replied. “Why?”
“Just wondering,” I said unconvi
ncingly.
Alexei shrugged his shoulders and returned to his conversation with Apella.
Clara was looking at me curiously. Her eyes asked me, what that was about?
“I turned seventeen two days ago,” I said with a sigh.
“Happy birthday!” Clara said, clasping her hands around my shoulders and pulling me to her. I had never heard that phrase before. A change of age was not marked by anything in Pau, except access to a new ring. She was giving me a big squeeze when she jumped suddenly, like someone had kicked her.
“Ouch!” she exclaimed. Then in the sickly sweet voice she reserved for her baby, she said, “Naughty child, you shouldn’t hurt your mother so,” with her finger raised in mock disdain.
“Are you ok?” I asked. She looked weary. We needed to rest. I flagged the others and we let her sit for a while.
“I’m all right, really. I’m just hungry, and thirsty, but so is everyone else,” she said, waving her hand, shooing us away like bothersome flies. We had to find something soon. We were all getting hungry and weak after our night in the trees. I scanned the area. I felt like there was a memory pinching me, something to do with Rash. He was making fun of me in the Arboretum. I was saying something was surprising, interesting. I remembered him telling me I was confusing boring with interesting.
“Rash,” I whispered, smiling to myself. Forgetting where I was for a moment. Joseph looked at me. Eyes searching but I was replaying a memory in my head, looking right through him. I was reading about the pines. Rash was teasing me about having no life. I punched him in the arm. What I was reading was interesting because the plaque described the spring needles as being edible and that the male pollen cones were sweet. We needed sugar. I limped down the side of the hill, and picked a few of the small, yellow cones. I put one in my mouth. It was sweet, chewy. I filled my pockets and dragged myself back up the hill. I handed them out.