Chapter xii.
_What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an heir, acarpenter, and a beau._
"The next step I took into the world was at Apollonia, in Thrace, whereI was born of a beautiful Greek slave, who was the mistress of Eutyches,a great favourite of the emperor Zeno. That prince, at his restoration,gave me the command of a cohort, I being then but fifteen years of age;and a little afterwards, before I had even seen an army, preferred me,over the heads of all the old officers, to be a tribune.
"As I found an easy access to the emperor, by means of my father'sintimacy with him, he being a very good courtier--or, in other words, amost prostitute flatterer--so I soon ingratiated myself with Zeno, andso well imitated my father in flattering him, that he would never partwith me from about his person. So that the first armed force I everbeheld was that with which Marcian surrounded the palace, where I wasthen shut up with the rest of the court.
"I was afterwards put at the head of a legion and ordered to march intoSyria with Theodoric the Goth; that is, I mean my legion was so ordered;for, as to myself, I remained at court, with the name and pay of ageneral, without the labour or the danger.
"As nothing could be more gay, _i.e._, debauched, than Zeno's court, sothe ladies of gay disposition had great sway in it; particularly one,whose name was Fausta, who, though not extremely handsome, was by herwit and sprightliness very agreeable to the emperor. With her I lived ingood correspondence, and we together disposed of all kinds ofcommissions in the army, not to those who had most merit, but who wouldpurchase at the highest rate. My levee was now prodigiously thronged byofficers who returned from the campaigns, who, though they might havebeen convinced by daily example how ineffectual a recommendation theirservices were, still continued indefatigable in attendance, and behavedto me with as much observance and respect as I should have been entitledto for making their fortunes, while I suffered them and their familiesto starve.
"Several poets, likewise, addressed verses to me, in which theycelebrated my achievements; and what, perhaps, may seem strange to us atpresent, I received all this incense with most greedy vanity, withoutonce reflecting that, as I did not deserve these compliments, theyshould rather put me in mind of my defects.
"My father was now dead, and I became so absolute in the emperor's gracethat one unacquainted with courts would scarce believe the servilitywith which all kinds of persons who entered the walls of the palacebehaved towards me. A bow, a smile, a nod from me, as I past throughcringing crouds, were esteemed as signal favours; but a gracious wordmade any one happy; and, indeed, had this real benefit attending it,that it drew on the person on whom it was bestowed a very great degreeof respect from all others; for these are of current value in courts,and, like notes in trading communities, are assignable from one to theother. The smile of a court favourite immediately raises the person whoreceives it, and gives a value to his smile when conferred on aninferior: thus the smile is transferred from one to the other, and thegreat man at last is the person to discount it. For instance, a very lowfellow hath a desire for a place. To whom is he to apply? Not to thegreat man; for to him he hath no access. He therefore applies to A, whois the creature of B, who is the tool of C, who is the flatterer of D,who is the catamite of E, who is the pimp of F, who is the bully of G,who is the buffoon of I, who is the husband of K, who is the whore of L,who is the bastard of M, who is the instrument of the great man. Thusthe smile, descending regularly from the great man to A, is discountedback again, and at last paid by the great man.
"It is manifest that a court would subsist as difficultly without thiskind of coin as a trading city without paper credit. Indeed, they differin this, that their value is not quite so certain, and a favourite mayprotest his smile without the danger of bankruptcy.
"In the midst of all this glory the emperor died, and Anastasius waspreferred to the crown. As it was yet uncertain whether I should notcontinue in favour, I was received as usual at my entrance into thepalace to pay my respects to the new emperor; but I was no sooner rumpedby him than I received the same compliment from all the rest; the wholeroom, like a regiment of soldiers, turning their backs to me all atonce: my smile now was become of equal value with the note of a brokenbanker, and every one was as cautious not to receive it.
"I made as much haste as possible from the court, and shortly after fromthe city, retreating to the place of my nativity, where I spent theremainder of my days in a retired life in husbandry, the only amusementfor which I was qualified, having neither learning nor virtue.
"When I came to the gate Minos again seemed at first doubtful, but atlength dismissed me; saying though I had been guilty of many heinouscrimes, in as much as I had, though a general, never been concerned inspilling human blood, I might return again to earth.
"I was now again born in Alexandria, and, by great accident, entringinto the womb of my daughter-in-law, came forth my own grandson,inheriting that fortune which I had before amassed.
"Extravagance was now as notoriously my vice as avarice had beenformerly; and I spent in a very short life what had cost me the labourof a very long one to rake together. Perhaps you will think my presentcondition was more to be envied than my former: but upon my word it wasvery little so; for, by possessing everything almost before I desiredit, I could hardly ever say I enjoyed my wish: I scarce ever knew thedelight of satisfying a craving appetite. Besides, as I never oncethought, my mind was useless to me, and I was an absolute stranger toall the pleasures arising from it. Nor, indeed, did my education qualifyme for any delicacy in other enjoyments; so that in the midst of plentyI loathed everything. Taste for elegance I had none; and the greatestof corporeal blisses I felt no more from than the lowest animal. In aword, as while a miser I had plenty without daring to use it, so now Ihad it without appetite.
"But if I was not very happy in the height of my enjoyment, so Iafterwards became perfectly miserable; being soon overtaken by disease,and reduced to distress, till at length, with a broken constitution andbroken heart, I ended my wretched days in a gaol: nor can I think thesentence of Minos too mild, who condemned me, after having taken a largedose of avarice, to wander three years on the banks of Cocytus, with theknowledge of having spent the fortune in the person of the grandsonwhich I had raised in that of the grandfather.
"The place of my birth, on my return to the world, was Constantinople,where my father was a carpenter. The first thing I remember was, thetriumph of Belisarius, which was, indeed, a most noble shew; but nothingpleased me so much as the figure of Gelimer, king of the AfricanVandals, who, being led captive on this occasion, reflecting withdisdain on the mutation of his own fortune, and on the ridiculous emptypomp of the conqueror, cried out, 'VANITY, VANITY, ALL IS MERE VANITY.'
"I was bred up to my father's trade, and you may easily believe so low asphere could produce no adventures worth your notice. However, I marrieda woman I liked, and who proved a very tolerable wife. My days were pastin hard labour, but this procured me health, and I enjoyed a homelysupper at night with my wife with more pleasure than I apprehend greaterpersons find at their luxurious meals. My life had scarce any variety init, and at my death I advanced to Minos with great confidence ofentering the gate: but I was unhappily obliged to discover some fraudsI had been guilty of in the measure of my work when I worked by thefoot, as well as my laziness when I was employed by the day. On whichaccount, when I attempted to pass, the angry judge laid hold on me bythe shoulders, and turned me back so violently, that, had I had a neckof flesh and bone, I believe he would have broke it."