Chapter xvi.
_The history of the wise man._
"I now returned to Rome, but in a very different character. Fortune hadnow allotted me a serious part to act. I had even in my infancy a gravedisposition, nor was I ever seen to smile, which infused an opinion intoall about me that I was a child of great solidity; some foreseeing thatI should be a judge, and others a bishop. At two years old my fatherpresented me with a rattle, which I broke to pieces with greatindignation. This the good parent, being extremely wise, regarded as aneminent symptom of my wisdom, and cried out in a kind of extasy, 'Wellsaid, boy! I warrant thou makest a great man.'
"At school I could never be persuaded to play with my mates; not that Ispent my hours in learning, to which I was not in the least addicted,nor indeed had I any talents for it. However, the solemnity of mycarriage won so much on my master, who was a most sagacious person, thatI was his chief favourite, and my example on all occasions wasrecommended to the other boys, which filled them with envy, and me withpleasure; but, though they envied me, they all paid me that involuntaryrespect which it is the curse attending this passion to bear towards itsobject.
"I had now obtained universally the character of a very wise young man,which I did not altogether purchase without pains; for the restraint Ilaid on myself in abstaining from the several diversions adapted to myyears cost me many a yearning; but the pride which I inwardly enjoyed inthe fancied dignity of my character made me some amends.
"Thus I past on, without anything very memorable happening to me, till Iarrived at the age of twenty-three, when unfortunately I fell acquaintedwith a young Neapolitan lady whose name was Ariadne. Her beauty was soexquisite that her first sight made a violent impression on me; this wasagain improved by her behaviour, which was most genteel, easy, andaffable: lastly, her conversation compleated the conquest. In this shediscovered a strong and lively understanding, with the sweetest and mostbenign temper. This lovely creature was about eighteen when I firstunhappily beheld her at Rome, on a visit to a relation with whom I hadgreat intimacy. As our interviews at first were extremely frequent, mypassions were captivated before I apprehended the least danger; and thesooner probably, as the young lady herself, to whom I consulted everymethod of recommendation, was not displeased with my being her admirer.
"Ariadne, having spent three months at Rome, now returned to Naples,bearing my heart with her: on the other hand, I had all the assurancesconsistent with the constraint under which the most perfect modesty laysa young woman, that her own heart was not entirely unaffected. I soonfound her absence gave me an uneasiness not easy to be borne or toremove. I now first applied to diversions (of the graver sort,particularly to music), but in vain; they rather raised my desires andheightened my anguish. My passion at length grew so violent, that Ibegan to think of satisfying it. As the first step to this, I cautiouslyenquired into the circumstances of Ariadne's parents, with which I washitherto unacquainted: though, indeed, I did not apprehend they wereextremely great, notwithstanding the handsome appearance of theirdaughter at Rome. Upon examination, her fortune exceeded my expectation,but was not sufficient to justify my marriage with her, in the opinionof the wise and prudent. I had now a violent struggle between wisdom andhappiness, in which, after several grievous pangs, wisdom got thebetter. I could by no means prevail with myself to sacrifice thatcharacter of profound wisdom, which I had with such uniform conductobtained, and with such caution hitherto preserved. I therefore resolvedto conquer my affection, whatever it cost me; and indeed it did not costme a little.
"While I was engaged in this conflict (for it lasted a long time)Ariadne returned to Rome: her presence was a terrible enemy to mywisdom, which even in her absence had with great difficulty stood itsground. It seems (as she hath since told me in Elysium with muchmerriment) I had made the same impressions on her which she had made onme. Indeed, I believe my wisdom would have been totally subdued by thissurprize, had it not cunningly suggested to me a method of satisfying mypassion without doing any injury to my reputation. This was by engagingher privately as a mistress, which was at that time reputable enough atRome, provided the affair was managed with an air of slyness andgravity, though the secret was known to the whole city.
"I immediately set about this project, and employed every art and engineto effect it. I had particularly bribed her priest, and an old femaleacquaintance and distant relation of her's, into my interest: but allwas in vain; her virtue opposed the passion in her breast as strongly aswisdom had opposed it in mine. She received my proposals with the utmostdisdain, and presently refused to see or hear from me any more.
"She returned again to Naples, and left me in a worse condition thanbefore. My days I now passed with the most irksome uneasiness, and mynights were restless and sleepless. The story of our amour was nowpretty public, and the ladies talked of our match as certain; but myacquaintance denied their assent, saying, 'No, no, he is too wise tomarry so imprudently.' This their opinion gave me, I own, very greatpleasure; but, to say the truth, scarce compensated the pangs I sufferedto preserve it.
"One day, while I was balancing with myself, and had almost resolved toenjoy my happiness at the price of my character, a friend brought meword that Ariadne was married. This news struck me to the soul; andthough I had resolution enough to maintain my gravity before him (forwhich I suffered not a little the more), the moment I was alone I threwmyself into the most violent fit of despair, and would willingly haveparted with wisdom, fortune, and everything else, to have retrieved her;but that was impossible, and I had now nothing but time to hope a curefrom. This was very tedious in performing it, and the longer as Ariadnehad married a Roman cavalier, was now become my near neighbour, and Ihad the mortification of seeing her make the best of wives, and ofhaving the happiness which I had lost, every day before my eyes.
"If I suffered so much on account of my wisdom in having refusedAriadne, I was not much more obliged to it for procuring me a richwidow, who was recommended to me by an old friend as a very prudentmatch; and, indeed, so it was, her fortune being superior to mine in thesame proportion as that of Ariadne had been inferior. I thereforeembraced this proposal, and my character of wisdom soon pleaded soeffectually for me with the widow, who was herself a woman of greatgravity and discretion, that I soon succeeded; and as soon as decencywould permit (of which this lady was the strictest observer) we weremarried, being the second day of the second week of the second yearafter her husband's death; for she said she thought some period of timeabove the year had a great air of decorum.
"But, prudent as this lady was, she made me miserable. Her person wasfar from being lovely, but her temper was intolerable. During fifteenyears' habitation, I never passed a single day without heartily cursingher, and the hour in which we came together. The only comfort Ireceived, in the midst of the highest torments, was from continuallyhearing the prudence of my match commended by all my acquaintance.
"Thus you see, in the affairs of love, I bought the reputation ofwisdom pretty dear. In other matters I had it somewhat cheaper; not thathypocrisy, which was the price I gave for it, gives one no pain. I haverefused myself a thousand little amusements with a feigned contempt,while I have really had an inclination to them. I have often almostchoaked myself to restrain from laughing at a jest, and (which wasperhaps to myself the least hurtful of all my hypocrisy) have heartilyenjoyed a book in my closet which I have spoken with detestation of inpublic. To sum up my history in short, as I had few adventures worthremembering, my whole life was one constant lie; and happy would it havebeen for me if I could as thoroughly have imposed on myself as I did onothers: for reflection, at every turn, would often remind me I was notso wise as people thought me; and this considerably embittered thepleasure I received from the public commendation of my wisdom. Thisself-admonition, like a _memento mori_ or _mortalis es_, must be, in myopinion, a very dangerous enemy to flattery: indeed, a weight sufficientto counterbalance all the false praise of the world. But whether it bethat the generality of wise men do no
t reflect at all, or whether theyhave, from a constant imposition on others, contracted such a habit ofdeceit as to deceive themselves, I will not determine: it is, I believe,most certain that very few wise men know themselves what fools they are,more than the world doth. Good gods! could one but see what passes inthe closet of wisdom! how ridiculous a sight must it be to behold thewise man, who despises gratifying his palate, devouring custard; thesober wise man with his dram-bottle; or, the anti-carnalist (if I may beallowed the expression) chuckling over a b--dy book or picture, andperhaps caressing his housemaid!
"But to conclude a character in which I apprehend I made as absurd afigure as in any in which I trod the stage of earth, my wisdom at lastput an end to itself, that is, occasioned my dissolution.
"A relation of mine in the eastern part of the empire disinherited hisson, and left me his heir. This happened in the depth of winter, when Iwas in my grand climacteric, and had just recovered of a dangerousdisease. As I had all the reason imaginable to apprehend the family ofthe deceased would conspire against me, and embezzle as much as theycould, I advised with a grave and wise friend what was proper to bedone; whether I should go myself, or employ a notary on this occasion,and defer my journey to the spring. To say the truth, I was mostinclined to the latter; the rather as my circumstances were extremelyflourishing, as I was advanced in years, and had not one person in theworld to whom I should with pleasure bequeath any fortune at my death.
"My friend told me he thought my question admitted of no manner of doubtor debate; that common prudence absolutely required my immediatedeparture; adding, that if the same good luck had happened to him hewould have been already on his journey; 'for,' continued he, 'a man whoknows the world so well as you, would be inexcusable to give personssuch an opportunity of cheating you, who, you must be assured, will betoo well inclined; and as for employing a notary, remember thatexcellent maxim, _Ne facias per alium, quod fieri potest per te_. I ownthe badness of the season and your very late recovery are unluckycircumstances; but a wise man must get over difficulties when necessityobliges him to encounter them.'
"I was immediately determined by this opinion. The duty of a wise manmade an irresistible impression, and I took the necessity for grantedwithout examination. I accordingly set forward the next morning; verytempestuous weather soon overtook me; I had not travelled three daysbefore I relapsed into my fever, and died.
"I was now as cruelly disappointed by Minos as I had formerly beenhappily so. I advanced with the utmost confidence to the gate, andreally imagined I should have been admitted by the wisdom of mycountenance, even without any questions asked: but this was not my case;and, to my great surprize, Minos, with a menacing voice, called out tome, 'You Mr there, with the grave countenance, whither so fast, pray?Will you please, before you move any farther forwards, to give me ashort account of your transactions below?' I then began, and recountedto him my whole history, still expecting at the end of every period thatthe gate would be ordered to fly open; but I was obliged to go quitethrough with it, and then Minos after some little consideration spoke tome as follows:--
"'You, Mr Wiseman, stand forth if you please. Believe me, sir, a tripback again to earth will be one of the wisest steps you ever took, andreally more to the honour of your wisdom than any you have hithertotaken. On the other side, nothing could be simpler than to endeavour atElysium; for who but a fool would carry a commodity, which is of suchinfinite value in one place, into another where it is of none? But,without attempting to offend your gravity with a jest, you must returnto the place from whence you came, for Elysium was never designed forthose who are too wise to be happy.'
"This sentence confounded me greatly, especially as it seemed tothreaten me with carrying my wisdom back again to earth. I told thejudge, though he would not admit me at the gate, I hoped I had committedno crime while alive which merited my being wise any longer. Heanswered me, I must take my chance as to that matter, and immediately weturned our backs to each other."