just melt your heart away. He was talented and smart and just a great kid. He never got into trouble he played ball he sang he was the entertainer he would always bring a smile to my face with his antics.
Trouble started when he was fifteen. He had discovered girls and started breaking the rules I had to set after fifteen years of life with no rules. He always came in late.
His best friend Josh was in my opinion a bad influence. You couldn’t separate them though I tried and it turned into a huge fight. I remember that clearly. It was late and he wasn’t home yet. I waited of for him which always pissed me off. I worked hard six days a week running two businesses, a donut shop called Pattie Jean’s and a daycare for children. I spent equal time at both and so when he would do something like this it made me feel a little un-appreciated. Well he finally made it in at about five am. He had been drinking; I could smell it on him which I didn’t need to have to. He could barely walk and he was loud. We spent the rest of that morning fighting in between him puking his guts up. It was the biggest fight we had ever had. I wanted him to stay away from Josh. I felt as his mother I knew what was best. At the same time I also knew what it was like at that age and although I was never banned from a friend I can imagine how that would make a kid feel. He hated me for that, I kept him away from Josh as much as I could. He was grounded for two months for coming home drunk. He also worked at the donut shop. I figured that is where I grew up and became the adult I am today and it would teach him responsibility.
One year later when Ryan was sixteen he stole money from the shop and left town. I was hurt and devastated. Josh’s mom worked close with me for nearly two months and finally we found them. They were several towns over and were working the streets for money. Ryan would sing for cash and Josh would tell jokes and act silly for money. I couldn’t believe how they were living and I still don’t understand why that was better than being at home. They both ended up failing school that year and I was starting to worry so much and I was so scared that he was going to make the same choices that I made and became kind of a hard ass when it came to punishing and raising him. I never wanted to be strict and I never thought I would have to be but I was wrong. Ryan hated me and let me know it all the time. I wanted to loosen the rope but if I gave him and inch he would take a mile, every time I tried. I just couldn’t get through to him. I started feeling like everything I had done was for nothing. I at times wanted to end my life and I always pushed myself to be stronger and to make it through everything so that I could come out on top and raise my son and give him a chance at life. I wanted him to understand everything I had done and been through just so that we could be in this place at this time of our lives and so that he could go on to do better than me.
One day I was home for the day and Ryan was at school. Things had started to look up for us he was doing better he was working hard at both school and work. His attitude had changed and he was more respectful of me. Things were finally good. With my past even though I wanted to believe that it could, life never stayed good. It always had a quiet before the storm and the storm had just knocked on my door.
It was Chris. To this day I have no idea how he found us. I was always extremely honest with Ryan so he knew the things about Chris that I knew which wasn’t that much. “I want to see my son!” he pushed me out of the way and walked into my house. He was almost in a rage. I hadn’t seen him since the moment he crushed me. I hadn’t even thought about him in some time. he was acting crazy and it scared me. I wanted him to leave.
“Chris calm down.” He looked at me like he wanted to hit me. “ I know I have a son. I want him now!” “yes, I gave birth to a son. Alone. Without you Chris you made your choice and never looked back and it’s to late now. You should leave.” He grabbed me by the face and started shaking me and screaming, “ I am not leaving until I have my son. You took him and I want him back!” I was lost for words for a minute and I was confused so it took me a few moments to respond to that. “ what are you talking about I didn’t take him you left.” He looked as confused as me and I felt bad for him and wondered what was going on in his head. He didn’t leave until I threated to call the police on him. And even after he was gone I was still scared. I told Ryan to stay with Josh, who was also doing much better with his life.
I had to know what was going on with Chris. I spoke to everyone I knew and I even found his parents in Maine. I went to Maine and left Ryan with Josh’s family. Chris’ Mom told me “he was married and had a son. Then he got bad off on drugs and hurt Sam, the little boy, she was concerned for their safety and so she left. She never came back. No one has seen them since. He started saying things about he knows where his son is and he’s going to kill her for taking him.”
In that moment I knew I wasn’t just being paranoid I needed to be scared. I needed to get back to Ryan. I needed to find Chris. But what would I do once I found him. How would I make him understand if his own family cant? That was when I realized I needed to kill him. I wouldn’t allow him to hurt Ryan in anyway. I never wanted Ryan to even know he came to the house. I wanted to hide all of it and plan the perfect murder. I felt crazy myself but I knew that Chris was crazy and I had to do something bad before something bad happened to my son!
I went back home and pretended that everything was fine and the business trip to Maine was a great experience for me. I was on my guard and walking on my toes but Ryan never noticed I played it off so well. When Ryan went to bed I started planning.
It had to be quick and look like an accident. Images were flashing in my head it was like watching a movie. Hit him with my car. Carjack ending badly. Robbery gone wrong. The next day I bought a gun, it was for protection. I didn’t want to shoot him. I had never even shot a gun. All of this was driving me crazy and I felt like I needed help before I completely go off the deep end. But if I asked for help it would put Ryan in a vulnerable position. He would then be easy to get to.
It was two weeks later when I found Chris. Well actually he found me. I was leaving the grocery store and I was him. I was careful not to look at him directly. I knew he was stalking me so I loaded my groceries in my car and got in. I tried to calm my racing heart and it was proving to be impossible. My hands were shaking as I started the car, the keys were jingling from my touch. I drove out of the parking lot and aimlessly drove. Ryan was at home and Chris was following me. I didn’t have much time to think rationally so I just acted on impulse. I knew I was going to kill him so tonight would be the night. It wouldn’t go as planned to look like an accident and I had accepted that. I was ready; I wanted to be ready anyway. I had to do what I had to do. It was going to be an unplanned planned murder. I had planned it for two weeks it just won’t go as planned. I drove my car down town and out of town. We were now in another town and there was an abandoned gas station coming up. I knew the town and I knew the store. Nobody would be there. I pulled up to the store and cut off the engine. I waited for him to get out of his car before I did. I had the gun in my hand, shaking and flimsy. I waited until he was far enough from his car to have enough time to get away but not to close to my car that he could reach me.
I opened my car door and shot him. Point blank. I stood there in shock! I had actually shot him. I aimed for his chest but hit his head. I didn’t walk up to him. I sat down on the ground against my car and wiped my face. It was soaking wet with sweat and tears. I was scared. I had been scared this whole time but now I was relieved. He was dead and my son was safe.
I drove home. I was calmer but still shake up. I avoided Ryan that night. I didn’t want to give anything away. I wondered if I had made the right choice. Now I was afraid that I would be caught. What would happen to Ryan then? That was the moment I realized that I handled the situation wrong. I don’t regret what I did. Truth is I would do it again. Even though in one hour my own life would end, for the sake of the safety of my beloved Ryan.
Goodbye my sweet Ryan. Remeber all of the things I have taught you and always be the better Man. Love alw
ays, Mom.
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