Jay had just pushed the ‘cappuccino’ button on the coffee machine when his phone rang. It was his aunt Liz. He was in two minds as to whether he should take the call or not. She normally only ever rang when she wanted something or to moan about someone. Besides, she wasn’t exactly his favourite relative.
“Jay speaking”
“Hi James.. This is your aunt Liz here.. How are you?”
There was a waiver in her voice which Jay hadn’t heard before. He could sense that something was wrong, and she never took the time to ask anyone how they were.
“Hi.. I’m fine thanks.. How are you?”
“Not wonderful.. I have to be honest..”
Jay hoped that she wasn’t about to embark on one of her long monologues about her various ailments again. He maintained a polite façade nonetheless.
“Sorry to hear that”
“Never mind me James.. Are you at work?”
“Yes” answered Jay, wondering why she was suddenly interested in his work.
“Are you somewhere quiet.. you know.. private.. away from other people?”
“I can be.. hang on..” Jay felt like telling her to get on with it but he instead plumped for the line of obedience. He walked in to the stationary room, closed the door and placed himself between two stacks of printer paper “..Ok.. What is it?”
“Good.. James.. you may want to sit down” aunt Liz continued. Jay could hear she was crying. Maybe something had happened to his uncle?
“What’s happened?”
There was a long pause whilst Aunt Liz sniffed and attempted to supress her crying.
“It’s your dad James..” Liz started crying heavily.
“What about Dad?.. What’s up??”
“He passed away this morning James..” Liz blew her nose “..I’m so sorry!”
“What?..” Questions raced through Jay’s mind. He felt suddenly giddy and nauseated and sat down on a nearby stepping stool. Jay hoped Aunt Liz’s words were mistaken, that they were meant for someone else, and that his imagination was merely playing tricks on him. Jay had spoken to his father only two days ago. He sounded fine. It couldn’t be right “..Are you sure?” asked Jay agitatedly, on the verge of sounding annoyed.
“Yes.. The police told me that they found your dad lying on the canal path this morning.. Buster stood beside him and wouldn’t let the police anywhere near him.. Buster was..” Liz blew her nose again “..he was still on his lead.. so they managed to pull him away so they could take your dad to hospital.. but he was already gone by the time they got there..” Aunt Liz broke out in a fit of crying again.
“I.. I.. I don’t know what to say.. I..”
“No.. I know James.. It’s awful.. really awful.. But he was poorly.. He was on medication.. you knew that right?.. It was his illness that took him from us..”
“No.. I didn’t.. Was he ill?”
Aunt Liz coughed and cleared her throat “Yes.. he was James.. but he probably didn’t want to tell you or Jessica so you wouldn’t worry about him.. He was like that..” Aunt Liz sobbed a little whilst Jay tried to take it all in “..He had cancer James.. It was terminal.. it had spread to all his organs”
“God..” sighed Jay, still in disbelief.
“I’m so sorry James.. I know how much he meant to you.. to all of us.. He was the best brother anyone could wish for..” Aunt Liz’s voice disappeared once more in her tears “..but I’ll sort everything out.. I’ll get everything organised with the funeral and that.. ok?”
“Thanks.. “ A variety of unexpected emotions flew around in Jay’s sub conscience creating confusion, frustration, fear. He pushed loose reams of paper off one of the nearby piles “..err ..thank you”
“Is there anyone there you can talk to.. a boss or someone like that James?
“Yes.. yes there is..”
“You shouldn’t be alone at a time like this James.. Promise me you’ll go and have a chat with your boss won’t you?”
“Yes”
“And you can always give me a ring.. ok?”
Jay was silent.
“I’ll ring your sister now.. Look after yourself James”
“Yeah.. err.. yes.. thanks..”
Jay could find neither the energy nor the motivation to press the red button on his phone. He felt drained and entirely numb. He sat in the stationary room staring at the door for a few more minutes before mustering up the energy to stand up. Everything seemed surreal to him as he walked back in to the office. He hoped he was in a parallel universe and that all of this was happening to someone else.
“You alright matey?..” asked Paul as Jay walked past “..You look like you’ve just seen a ghost”
“Yeah.. I’m fine thanks.. “ Jay spoke quietly, pushing the hair back from his forehead. Jay looked towards Simon’s office “..Do you know if Simon’s in there?”
“Yes.. yes he is I think” Paul’s face became more solemn. He could tell something was wrong.
Simon expressed his condolences and told Jay to take immediate leave. Simon also told him that he could stay at work if he wanted to – if he preferred having people around him. It was up to him.
Jay forced himself to stay at work until a little after 3 pm. He wasn’t being particularly productive anyway. Jay walked past Simon’s office on his way out and asked if Simon could inform the others about what was going on. Jay didn’t feel that he was ready to explain things just yet. Simon agreed, reiterating that Jay should just stay at home for a day or two if needed.
Jay couldn’t remember anything about his trip home. His brain had switched to auto-pilot. He fell into the armchair beside his stereo equipment and pulled his headphones over his ears. He selected Albert King’s ‘As the years go passing by’ and pressed play. It was one of his father’s golden oldies, and not too mentally taxing. Jay slumped into a state of mental apathy. He remembered some of his father’s funny quirks as he closed his eyes; how his father always packed presents in layer upon layer of paper, tightly bound with metres of thick tape which made the packages impenetrable to human hands. His father had also waited until Jay was sixteen before he allowed himself to swear in front of him. It was a kind of ‘rites of passage’ – a ritual culminating in the honour of being allowed to hear the word ‘bugger’ come out of his mouth as they sat in front of the telly watching rugby.
Jay’s phone rang.
“Hi.. Jay?”
“Oh.. hi Mum.. Hang on a second” Jay unravelled the headphones from around his neck.
“How are you? ..Jessica just told me about your dad”
“Yeah” sighed Jay.
“I’m so sorry Jay.. He was a good man.. and a good father.. We will all miss him”
“Yes.. we will”
“Is everything alright Jay?.. Maybe I should come down to London for a couple of days?”
“No.. it’s ok Mum.. really.. I’ll be fine.. I just need to get my head round things.. that’s all”
“I understand..”
Jay could hear the disappointment in her voice.
“..Well.. just let me know if you need anything ok?”
“Yes Mum.. will do”
“Jessica is really upset of course.. She always was a bit of a daddy’s girl.. Will you ring her.. so you can both talk about things?”
“To be honest Mum.. talking is the last thing I want to do right now.. I just need a bit of time to myself”
“Ok Jay.. ok”
Jay felt guilty, almost selfish. He and Jessica had always been close but she was, after all, two years older than him and should therefore be able to look after herself.
“She can ring me if she wants”
“Ok.. I’ll tell her that.. Maybe you should let Steve and Ben know?”
“Mum.. please stop fussing!.. I’ll be fine.. honestly!”
“That’s my job Jay.. to fuss over you.. and Jessica. I am your mother you know!”
“Yes.. I know..” Jay sat down to gather his thoughts “..Sorry Mu
m.. I just need some space ..ok?”
“Of course.. I understand.. Has anyone said anything about the funeral.. and when that’ll be?”
“No.. no dates.. but Aunt Liz said she will sort all that out”
“That’s good.. Maybe I should give her a call then?”
“No Mum.. I don’t think that’s necessary.. Just let her get on with it”
“Ok. Just trying to help”
“I know.. and it is very much appreciated Mum.. Look.. I’m getting another call coming in.. I’ll speak to you later ok?”
“Ok.. Bye Jay.. Oh.. and Trevor says hi by the way”
“Thanks Mum.. hi back to Trevor.. Bye for now!”
Jay pushed the red button. Silence. He poured a glass of wine from the fridge and resumed his position in the armchair, restarting Albert King.
Jay woke up with a start. Someone was tapping on the glass of the bay window. It was dark outside, making it impossible for him to see who it was. He opened the front door.
“Are you ok Jay?
“Oh.. hi Zu.. Yes, I err..” Jay wiped his eyes so he could focus more clearly. Zu stood by the door, closely followed by Sharif.
“It’s ten o’clock Jay!.. You were supposed to be at mine at eight! ..I’ve been so worried!”
“Ohh.. sorry Zu.. I fell asleep.. It’s been a bit of a bad day..”
Even in the dimly lit street lighting Zu could see the redness of Jay’s eyes.
“What’s happened?”
“Come in.. come in.. I’ll put the kettle on”
“No ..that’s ok.. We’ve got to get back” replied Sharif.
Zu spoke sternly to Sharif in Arabic.
“Well.. we can maybe stay for a few moments” added Sharif as he walked inside.
Zu grabbed Jay’s wrist as he stood in the hallway. She switched on the hall light. Sharif stood behind her.
“Jay!.. Tell me now!”
“It’s my father Zu.. He died this morning”
“Oh God.. Jay!..” Zu hugged Jay as she started crying “..I’m so sorry!”
Sharif touched Jay’s shoulder and offered his condolences.
Jay didn’t understand how he could be so upset and yet still not cry. People around him seemed more capable of expressing their sadness than he was. It was unlike him. He was normally quite emotional. He had shed many tears in his life, most notably when Gemma left him and when close relatives had died. It was somehow very different now. It was all so painfully close, he had become strangely numb. He was having an out of body experience as events unfolded around him.
“Thanks.. but I’m ok Zu.. Really”
Zu spoke to Sharif in Arabic again and pulled back from Jay so she could look at him.
“Jay.. You look pale.. I bet you haven’t eaten have you?”
Jay shook his head.
“Go and sit down and I’ll make you some dinner”
Zu guided Jay towards the sofa in the lounge and then left, taking Sharif with her into the kitchen. Zu returned a few minutes later.
“So Jay.. It’s all sorted.. I’ve agreed with my parents that I’ll stay here tonight to look after you.. They send their deepest condolences.. Sharif is going home now”
Sharif shook Jay’s hand sincerely saying “Sorry Jay” and left.
Zu pushed Jay’s forelocks softly to one side and kissed his forehead.
“Just two mins and I’ll have dinner ready for you darling”
“Ok.. but I’m really not hungry”
“I know you’re not.. but you’ve got to eat something.. Can you manage one of those instant soups maybe?”
“Yeah.. yes.. that’ll be fine thanks..” Jay squeezed Zu’s hand “..You are very sweet”
“I know I am Jay.. Just remember that!”
Jay lay on his back in bed. Thoughts ricocheted like bullets in his head. He was unable to focus on any one. Zu ran her fingers through his hair as he savoured the warmth of her skin against him. Jay felt empty, devoid of any sensual inclinations, bathing instead in the delicate smell of Zu’s perfume and her calm words as he drifted off into an uneasy sleep.
“Good morning darling” Zu was already awake, lying on her side and resting on one elbow.
“Good morning Zu..” Jay wiped the sleep from his eyes and raised his head up to kiss Zu “..What time is it?” Jay looked around for his telephone.
“Your phone is here..” Zu handed him the phone “..and it’s almost quarter past eight”
“What?..” Jay raise himself up, threw back the duvet and swung his legs over the side of the bed “..I’m going to be really late for work!”
“You needed the rest Jay..” Zu stroked the back of Jay’s arm with her finger “..and if you ask me I think you should stay home today”
“I can’t.. I’ve got lots of stuff to do”
“Like what? ..I’m sure there’s nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow”
“No.. maybe not.. but..”
Zu pulled Jay backwards in an attempt to get him to lie down again.
“No ‘buts’ Jay.. Anyway.. haven’t you told people at your work?”
“Yes.. but..”
Zu held a finger up to Jay’s mouth.
“Well then.. I’m sure your boss will understand”
“He does.. He actually told me I should stay home if I needed to but..”
“Well that’s that settled then.. you can text your boss and tell him that you’re going to stay home today.. and I’ll stay here and look after you.. It’ll be cosy!”
“Don’t you have uni today Zu?”
“Yes.. but we’ve got financial gearing today.. that’s extremely boring..” Zu walked out of the bedroom and shouted back from the kitchen “..and I’ve already read up about that..” She brought a glass of juice back into the bedroom with her “..Here.. drink this”
“Thank you Zu.. You are an angel.. I suppose I could use the time to sort some stuff out”
“You don’t have to do anything Jay!.. other than relax.. So.. “ Zu pushed Jay’s phone towards him “..Text your boss”
By lunch time Jay had spoken to his sister, apologised to his mother and agreed with Aunt Liz that the funeral would take place the following Wednesday in the Lake District village where his dad had grown up. Aunt Liz would send a provisional guest list to Jay and Jessica that afternoon.
Jay sat down by the kitchen breakfast table.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Zu served a portion of spaghetti with meatballs for Jay.
“Mmm.. That smells nice.. About what?.. Dad?..”
“Yes.. only if you want to that is”
“There’s nothing really to say.. I just feel like a bit of a ‘let down’.. that’s all”
“Aw.. come on Jay!” Zu stood behind him and gave him a hug “Don’t do that to yourself.. I’m sure you did your best”
“No.. no I haven’t.. I mean.. no.. I didn’t.. I didn’t even know he was ill!.. I didn’t go to see him as often as I should have either.. and I never wanted to talk with him for too long on the phone..” Jay took a bite out of a meatball “..Very tasty Zu”
“Thank you Jay” Zu kissed him on the cheek and sat down opposite.
“The worst thing is.. I never told him I loved him”
Zu reached out and held Jay’s left hand. Tears welled up in his eyes but stopped before they fell.
“You know.. it just wasn’t something guys did..” continued Jay “..He was a bit ‘old school’ in that respect.. Very loving and very caring ..but not demonstrative.. I can’t actually remember him ever saying that he loved me.. or even liked me for that matter.. It was just ‘assumed’ I suppose”
“I’m sure he loved you very much Jay” Zu squeezed his hand.
“You’d better eat before it gets cold Zu”
“I’m ok Jay.. Come on.. Tell me about your dad”
“Hmm..” Jay smiled “..Where do I start?.. He’s.. was.. mildly eccentric.. a mechanic by trade.. but his passion was Blues music.. He subjected
me to it all the time.. and the funny thing is.. I only really started enjoying it once I left home”
“Did you live with your dad?”
“To start with, yes.. well.. about half the time really.. We lived in Bedford when my mum and dad split up.. My dad rented a house a couple of miles down the road so we could stay with him.. and then my mum decided to move in with Trevor.. my stepfather.. so we then moved to Swansea.. Wales.. We went to school there.. My dad was livid of course.. That’s when all the really big arguments started.. and then the council got involved.. We could only stay with Dad every second weekend as it was too expensive with the train fare and.. Mum didn’t have the money.. She said that Dad refused to pay child money.. and my dad blamed everything on my mother..”
“How horrible”
“It was.. Being a child of divorce is bad enough without all of the bickering.. I even felt guilty about their divorce.. thinking that it had all happened because of me.. Anyway.. my dad then decided to move to Manchester.. to be closer to his family”
“Wasn’t that good for him.. I mean.. being closer to his family and that?”
“Well yes.. I suppose.. but he became more and more insular.. And then.. when he couldn’t find any work.. he got extremely bitter.. I’m sure that’s why he got cancer”
Zu stroked Jay’s arm “I didn’t know that Jay”
“No.. neither did I until my aunt told me yesterday”
The two of them ate quietly for a couple of minutes.
“I’ve no idea what to do at a funeral.. I wonder if you can get a crash course from a vicar?” mulled Jay.
“We can look it up on the Internet.. Maybe you should talk things through with your aunt later?”
“Yeah.. maybe.. I’m also going to tell her that I want my mum to be there.. Aunt Liz will hate that.. but that’s her problem.. He is.. was.. my dad”
“You’ll probably have to think about a speech too”
“God yeah..” Jay held his head in one of his hands “..I hadn’t thought about that.. I hate making speeches”
“It doesn’t necessarily have to be a long speech does it? ..But you’re good at writing Jay” Zu ran her hand soothingly through Jay’s hair.
“Thanks Zu.. you are an angel” Jay tapped Zu’s hand gently and spent the rest of the afternoon in deep concentration, writing in his favourite armchair.