“Firstly, I wouldn’t make love to the woman Prince Aleksey loves.” I snort incredulously. Tristan swallows before continuing. “But more importantly: I don’t want you. Not the slightest bit.”
My face reddens in humiliation. I climb down his chest and look for my T-shirt on the floor. It’s so not like Tristan to be rude in that way. Why do I keep finding rapists or guys with medieval moral reservations? My sexual life seems to be reduced to one rejection after another.
He looks at me apologetically. “I’m sorry, Miss Velez. I didn’t explain myself well.”
I embarrassedly reach for my cloak. “Don’t. You don’t have to say anything.”
“I have to. I don’t want you at all because I don’t want any woman.”
Any woman? As if …?
I fight the impulse to gasp. “You … prefer men?”
“Shh! You have to keep this a secret.”
Wide-eyed, I nod. I’m still recovering from both the humiliation and the surprise. It makes sense. Homosexuality is forbidden for Patriot military people and it’s punished with recruitment. No wonder Tristan fears rape. As long as they’re in Patriot territory, the cops submit to the same laws.
“Don’t tell Aleksey that I tried to …”
He rubs his earring absentmindedly. “I’m sorry, Miss Velez, but I can’t promise you that. I told you. I’m obliged to tell him everything because we’re family.”
“But—”
“Literally. We are first-cousins.”
My chin drops nearly to the floor and I cover my mouth with both hands. Why didn’t Aleksey tell me? Oh, right! Because he always hides the important details about his life. My first impulse is to ask Tristan about Aleksey’s family. Perhaps it would explain why he’s into C.N. But something tells me that Tristan’s unbreakable loyalty to his cousin will keep his mouth shut.
Tristan sighs. “Miss Velez, I don’t know exactly what happened between you two, but please don’t judge Prince Aleksey so harshly. You haven’t seen him in the past two days. Your absence is hell on him. Even my fellow cops have noticed he’s in a bad place. He misses you terribly and is worried about you. Go back to him, Miss Velez. Please.”
“Tristan, I can’t. Because of my mom, because of Duque. Aleksey represents everything I fear and hate.”
Tristan looks horrified. “Miss Velez, never ever say that again! If you tell him that you hate him, you’ll destroy him. You hear me? Completely, irrevocably ruin him.”
My eyes shut upward in disbelief. “You’re exaggerating. I’m just a … temporary thing. He said so himself.”
He sits up. “Miss Velez, he hasn’t opened to anyone but you. He’ll never come out of his shell if the only girl he’s ever loved—”
Love? I snort. “Since when does obsessive lust mean love?” Tristan is about to argue but I ignore him. “He’s full of dark secrets and he never—”
“He shared one of them with you and you left him.” Tristan’s velvet voice is unusually recriminating. “It must have been difficult for him to be honest and he did it for you. I never thought he’d ever open up to anyone.”
“I can’t ... rescue him from …” his rapist tendencies. “…Whatever it is that makes him close his doors to the world. I’m too busy rescuing myself and we won’t see each other after recruitment. I can’t stand rapists like him. My mother was—“
Tristan winces. “Whatever he is, he isn’t a rapist, and it angers me that you say so. He’s a good man and life hasn’t been kind to him. He deserves to find his happiness.”
I stop my attempts to get out the room. What if I’m taking Aleksey’s kink the wrong way? Perhaps Tristan knows information that can make me trust Aleksey again. “So … did he tell you about C.N?”
He looks at me sincerely confused. “ C—What? No! What are you talking about?”
I sink to the floor, grabbing my head between my hands. Tristan has proved before that he needs to believe the people he obeys can do no wrong. He doesn’t seem to know about Aleksey rapist tendencies, but even if he did, he’d be in denial.
“Miss Velez, I’m sorry but I can’t let you go yet. Aleksey is on his way.”
I spring to my feet. “On his way? That’s impossible.”
“I called him. My earring is a j-device.”
I hurry to the exit but he blocks the door with his body. “Tristan!” I squeal loudly.
Tristan shushes me. “I beg you to listen to him. You have to talk out your differences.”
“No! You don’t understand …”
“You think all he feels is lust, but you’re wrong. Prince Aleksey can deal with lust. You won’t find a man more skilled in giving women pleasure. But he’s not used to dealing with … other emotions. It doesn’t help that you’re being too hard on him,” he says in a calm tone. “At least listen to him.”
"Not yet! I promise I’ll talk to him one day, but the last thing I need so close to recruitment is—” He doesn’t budge. “Tristan! If you force me to stay and talk, I’ll hate him, and I’ll make sure to tell him. I swear I will.”
Tristan looks at me with a sad face and finally lets me pass. Poncho and I run down the corridor to get to the attic. In my hurry, I make some of the garbage and old armor in the attic fall noisily to the ground, but I don’t care. I have to avoid him at all costs.
The wind is hollowing furiously when we climb out the attic and onto the butterfly-style roof. We jump to the adjoining building.
That’s when a colossal form hurls against me and pins me to the ground.
Chapter 42
If General Aleksey Fürst has been impatiently looking forward to our reunion, his tone of voice doesn’t show it. The stormy, furious quality of it could break stone.
“If after listening to me you still want me to leave you alone, I will.” I struggle helplessly under him but it’s as though his body is made of rock. “I’ll leave Starville tonight if you want me to.”
He whispers his next words in my ear, his breath making me shiver. “And I’ll give you the chance to get your revenge on what soldiers did to hurt you. I won’t lift a finger to defend myself.”
Poncho jumps anxiously around us, whimpering. He’s not sure if he’s supposed to defend me or welcome the cop. The General whispers something in German and my dog sits placidly. If Poncho’s instincts say there’s no present danger, I should placate the pangs of fear Aleksey’s toughness stirs in me.
“Okay. Let’s get this over with,” I say although my body keeps struggling.
He looks at me with narrowed eyes as the howling wind plays with his blond strands. “I’m not a rapist, Lila. It makes me mad as hell that you think of me as one. I told you once. I can’t stand rapists. I wouldn’t ever do what … someone did to my mother.”
The surprise paralyzes me, overcoming my incredulity. His mother? My curiosity is piqued, but I say nothing. I wait for him to elaborate on that piece of information, but he attacks the problem that worries me the most instead.
“C.N. Consensual non-consent isn’t rape. It’s an activity between consenting adults. It’s just role-play. The women I’ve possessed in that way have enjoyed it and always come back asking more.”
I frown at his mention of other women but he ignores me. “Have you ever hurt them ...?”
He shakes his head. “There’s always a pre-established sign they know to use if I become too intense for them. They rarely use it, but when they do, I stop. ”
“How do you know they aren’t too intimidated to tell you to stop?”
Aleksey’s eyes narrow. “Because I only do this with women who are into C.N. Usually middle-age women who know what C.N. is and ask me for it. They’re the ones who initiate these encounters because I don’t even have time for it. ”
“But…C.N. means rape role play. Doesn’t it?”
His face grimier than usual. “I would never put the word rape and play in the same sentence. If there’s rape, there’s no play.”
I think about it for a momen
t and nod. He’s right. I’ve witnessed rape. Nothing playful about that. Even if I’m not experienced, I can separate a disgusting crime from a consensual activity between willing adults.
“C.N. only works when you trust your partner and have experienced at least the basics. Not your case.”
I’m no longer struggling so he eases the pressure from my body.
“And I told you several times that I wouldn’t try C.N. on you, but you still treat me like I’m a criminal.”
Although his enjoying of a very rough form of sex scares me, I have to admit that I’ve never been particularly nice to this man who has saved my life twice. He’s never done anything to harm me. Perhaps I have taken my usual paranoia around military people to unfair extremes when it comes to Aleksey. “I, I—”
“I’m not your toy, little kämpfer. I thought you were a woman, not a little girl who is so flattered that someone has finally paid attention to her that she plays cat and mouse.”
I turn my face to the right forcefully. That stings. Because a small part of me knows he’s right. I adore the attention he gives me and I don’t manage that feeling well. Still, it’s infuriating that he calls me out on that. I didn’t escape out of a whim. I have all the right to be scared of military people. “Did I ask you to chase after me? No! If you’re the adult here, you should know when an immature brat like me needs space. Otherwise you’re the one playing games.”
Aleksey looks cool and possessed, even though his voice reveals his anger. “Or perhaps it’s me, the adult, who doesn’t want to find your corpse in a Shiloh dumpster. Showing signs of gang rape. You could’ve stayed in the safety of the clinic and I would’ve given you space.”
“I wasn’t in more danger than usual! I’d never put myself at risk of rape just to avoid you.”
We stare at each other in silence. I’m trying to control my emotions but it’s difficult when he’s looking at me so furiously. He’s unnerving.
He finally breaks the silence; his voice sounds full of contained anger. “You risk your safety and then you jump in Tristan’s bed.” Aleksey’s body is trembling with fury. He can’t be jealous of his homosexual cousin, can he? “I understand why a distrustful girl like you would prefer someone she has known for years over me. That Diaz guy doesn’t even have to try anymore, does he? He only has to be there and you’d prefer him.” He looks away and shakes his head. “Because he will always have the advantage of being the one who was there for you while you were growing up. But Tristan Froh?”
I’m not flattered by his possessiveness. Instead, I find it irritating. We’re not a couple and I only agreed to our exclusivity deal because I didn’t know about his proclivities. “I don’t have to explain anything to you.”
He releases my arms and leans on his elbows, easing the pressure off my body. “Yes, you do. You’re not a spoiled little girl. You’re a woman who fights for what she wants and talks about her needs. You want something that I can give you and—”
“Not the way I need to.” I remember his words. I’m too into perversions that might be too advanced, kinky, and rough for you.
“Then tell me what your way is,” he says, running the hand that isn’t restraining my wrists through his platinum mane. “I thought we had agreed on that. I told you that I can make adjustments. You want me. What’s stopping you?”
My long silence irritates him further.
His face contorts in enraged frustration. “I’m new to this. I’m going out of my comfort zone for you and you don’t seem to care either way.” He looks down at me again, piercing my eyes with his stare. “You have to get your hands dirty, too, Lila! Take risks! But you say nothing. You run away from me. You keep me hanging.” His fist slams into the concrete roof. “Damn it, Lila! Give me something to work with.”
My reluctance to talk to him turns into a longing to make him understand the feelings that constrict my heart. I want to tell him that he’s being unfair. That a kink like his would scare, not only secondary rape survivors like me, but also regular women. That I wish I could feel safe enough to trust him. That in spite of everything, I care for him more than I should. But I can’t find the right words.
He runs a hand through his hair. “At least say something! Anything. Even a proper goodbye would be better than your silence.”
My body squirms underneath him. His sincere, passionate speech has moved me. “I’m not toying with you; I can’t be with you if I feel threatened and … and you’re a threat … for reasons that aren’t easy to put … in words.”
“Try,” he says in a commanding voice.
“You—” He waits patiently for me to continue. What can I say that I haven’t said before? He’s aware that his touch brings back flashbacks. He knows I don’t trust him, and he knows being together means risking our lives. Not to mention that after his C.N. confession, I fear he’ll take me like he took me in my dream. That’s enough for me to feel the need to stay away from him. But there’s something more that I haven’t admitted to myself until now. “You’ll leave. I’d prefer to lose my V to someone who will stay.”
He shoots me a ferocious, incredulous look. “And Tristan? How come you don’t have reservations about him? He’ll go away, too.”
I take a deep breath and avoid his piercing stare. “If it were Tristan … it wouldn’t hurt.”
Aleksey understands that I didn’t mean physically. He tenses while the wind plays with his platinum hair. For a long moment he says nothing. The coldness in his eyes melts into an ocean of the warmest blue. His arms pull me to his chest and he rolls me so I’m on top. I’m feeling less anxious now that we’ve talked, so I cuddle on his chest.
He lifts my chin with his thumb to force me to look at him. His deep, low voice sounds serene. “It would hurt you more to say goodbye to me than him?”
Yes, I’d miss you. “Let’s say when the Accord Unit’s time in Starville is over, I’ll happily say goodbye to Tristan … but saying goodbye to you will be …” Torture. Just the thought makes my heart feel as though somebody is squeezing it forcefully.
And now he knows it. Aleksey—not for the first time since I’ve met him—has heard my unspoken words. I bury my head in his chest. I somehow just declared my feelings for him. They might not account since we soon will get separated. But now he can be sure I’m not indifferent. And so can I.
Aleksey exhales in a way that tells me that he’s relieving an internal conflict. He grabs my chin and makes me look at him. When I briefly glance at him, his eyes are bright and kind. Perhaps it’s my imagination, but he looks different. Have my words moved him?
Our chemistry has become tangible, electric. He wraps his muscular arms around me. I look down and force myself to continue. “As absurd as this sounds, it’d be easier to stay away until recruitment day than to get more attached to you only to say goodbye in a week.” His eyes glint at my use of the word attached. “But that’s not the only reason. I just can’t explain everything now—”
“Tell me more,” he says with poorly-concealed eagerness under his somber tone.
“When I met you I thought you were a soldier. You resemble my mother’s rapists so much and your kink … puts me on edge … so …”
“I can’t change the way we met.” A hint of sad frustration shows in his blue eyes. “But have I ever done anything to make you think I don’t care about your safety?” I shake my head and his hold on me strengthens. “Don’t fear me, Lila.”
I remember what Tristan said. People fear Aleksey or lust after him, but they never love him. I don’t want to belong to the former category.
Little by little, my reservations about Aleksey start to evaporate. But there’s still the C.N. aspect. “It’s not so much that I’m afraid of you. I’m more afraid of discovering my darkest side. You stir in me a feral need to be taken, to be claimed. I’m worried that the consent lines might get blurred between us.”
“Don’t sweat it, Lila. I understand when no means no.” I believe him now. I should have realiz
ed that after our first encounter because I asked him to not touch me and he complied. Yet my fear for him is more nuanced than that. Because part of my fear for him is fear of myself.
“But I don’t.” The feelings of confusion and shame that my orgasmic hallucination brought prove it. I thought I was well-versed on the theory even if haven’t had any practice, but Aleksey has challenged all that I thought I knew and wanted. As much as I think I’m ready for sex, there’s still a part of me that will feel extremely vulnerable when the moment to be naked on a bed with a man comes.
He cradles me and considers my words carefully. “Do you mean you’re afraid to push boundaries? Explore your limits?”
I snuggle against his strong chest, relieved that he not only listens but understands. “I’d rather go safe and sweet.”
“When we were in Gyges, I could tell you were scared. So I took the safe and sweet route.” My body rises and falls along with his chest. He sighs. In contentment? His strong hand caresses my hair. “I’ve proved to you that as much as desire drives me crazy when I’m with you, I’m in control. So be assured.” He pulls me up so our faces are closer. We look into each other’s eyes for a while and the atmosphere continues to charge with electricity. “I’ll be as safe and sweet as you need me to be.”
And as if trying to prove he can be gentle, he kisses my forehead first and rubs his stubble against my face before placing feather-like kisses all over except for my mouth. His touch transmits tenderness, longing, and reverence. It also has just the right amount of desire to not scare me.
I raise my hand to touch his cheek and he leans into it, evidently enjoying the contact. I’m surprised to see him smiling in earnest giddiness. It gives me a heady feeling to think that I’m the one who has brought that smile to his brooding face. Especially after Tristan’s revelation about Aleksey’s painful past.
“You rarely talk.” I say longingly. We’d avoid misunderstandings if he talked more about himself.