At the same time, I was afraid. I wanted to retreat to a place where my head could clear. I wanted to be sure. I wanted them to be sure. They’d felt obligated before.
He sighed. He captured my wrists, drawing them together and holding tightly. He pursed his lips and his eyes closed. “I know,” he said, his voice deep.
That broke my heart and I didn’t know how to repair it. It made me want to take everything back to not hear those words. It confirmed everything I’d been feeling, split between two worlds. And in his voice, I sensed he did know exactly what I was doing. I could have called Wil and told him to come meet me and explain everything. There were a thousand different scenarios. What I needed was more than just a talk with my brother. I needed to escape.
Doing this in front of him made it much harder to leave. And we weren’t really together. Not really. And this wasn’t even goodbye. I just needed to get away. I needed to know for myself I could leave and come back if I wanted to and this wasn’t some desperate attempt from them to take care of me, because they felt they had to. Because they felt I couldn’t make it on my own otherwise.
I needed to know I was wanted for who I was. And I didn’t know who I was outside of Kayli the thief.
I stood with him clutching my hands. Neither one of us knowing when, or if I’d be back, or if I’d be too scared to ever return to this. Because when you run away from something, a return is too hard to imagine. There was too much focus on the leaving to even think about what was next. The frown on his face, though, was too much to bear.
So I kissed him.
I was up on my toes to do it, and he must have sensed me zeroing in because he tilted his face toward mine. I first meant to just peck his lips, but the peck turned into a lengthened, closed-mouth kiss.
When he parted his lips, and turned his head, I parted mine. His tongue felt for my lips, and mine darted out to meet him. I was his echo. In more than a few ways.
It was the kiss that drove my heart to dare think about the future. Every thought of doubt I had before, it suddenly buried into the back of my mind, and was replaced by a will, a desire of what I really wanted.
It was then I knew. I wanted to come back. On my own terms, later. I wanted him, wanted Brandon, wanted Raven, wanted the rest. It was for that reason that I had to go, and that reason why I knew I’d return and want to figure out. This feeling that crept into my heart at his kiss, I wanted it to come back.
He was telling me with his lips that I could come back. That the door would be open. That he’d be waiting.
I tried to tell him without saying a word that I would. Eventually.
And as much as I wanted the kiss to last so long that I never left at all, I broke away from him and backed up. I still had a few things I needed to do.
When I was back on my feet, I couldn’t look at him. I was too embarrassed that I had opened myself like that. I hadn’t meant to.
“You felt it, too,” he said in a low and guttural voice.
“Hm?” I glanced up at him, unsure.
His hand darted out, clutching my gut. “The goddamn wriggly sparks.”
My lips twitched to answer him, but the truth buried itself into my tongue. It was too painful to tell him. Yes, I felt them. Except I’d also felt them with Raven moments before. And with Corey. With Brandon. It was part of the reason I had to go now. Before this went too far. This was a friendship of guys that I didn’t want to cause chaos in. I needed to break away, let everyone cool off, and when I returned, I’d either make sure we were all friends, or select one. The choice was impossible right now. They were all good and tugged my heart in different directions.
He sighed, pulling his hand away and then lightly pushed me off. “Go,” he said.
He was right. I had to go or I would never leave, and that simply wouldn’t be right. “There’s a bus that stops in front of the building, isn’t there?”
He nodded. He fished into his pocket, pulling out one of those emergency phones. He also plucked out his wallet and selected a wad of bills. He put both in my hands, and then closed my fingers. He ducked his head down until his forehead touched mine. “Call me any time. I mean it. I’ll come get you.”
I wanted to push away what he’d given me. Charity wasn’t me. But in the moment, I couldn’t refuse. I didn’t have a dime to get back to the hotel. And I really needed the phone. Suddenly it was a lifeline. I realized it now. This was my way back to him and the others. I could call and hear his voice when I needed it. I knew I would need it.
I took it all, shoving it into my pocket. I pulled away from him before I could choke on a sob and swallowed back my emotions, steeling over my heart.
Marc disappeared for a moment into the apartment, and then came back with my two book bags. He planted boots in front of me and I realized these were his. They were too big but they would do for now.
I collected my bags, trying to do it quickly to hide my shaking fingers. I stuffed my feet into the boots and didn’t bother to tie them.
I turned to the elevator. He lurched forward, holding down the button on the elevator until the doors opened. Southern in every sense.
”Thank you,” I said, hoping he understood that I meant more than just for him opening a door for me.
He leaned in, kissing my temple. His lips seared my skin, like he had branded me. “I’ll be waiting.”
I wanted to tell him I’d hurry, but I couldn’t make that promise. I was taking my things back with me, after all.
I lumbered further into the elevator with a heavy heart, gazing at the floor. I couldn’t even face him when the doors closed, and then when they had, I’d wished I’d stopped myself. I’d wished he’d have come after me.
But I had to do this.
The elevator slid down to the sixth floor. A couple of guys got on. I recomposed myself, trying to look normal.
One of them turned to me. His face sparked up with interest. “Hi,” he said cheerfully.
I smiled brokenly at him. “I’m taken,” I said.
CAN NEVER GO HOME AGAIN
The bus ride felt like the longest one I’d ever taken. I had to get on a different bus somewhere in North Charleston, in a not-so-friendly part of town. By then, I’d collected myself to at least glare hatefully at anyone that looked like he wanted to approach me. Daggers could have flown from my eyeballs at the way everyone swerved in a wide circle to avoid me. I really wasn’t in the mood.
Even this short distance from the boys felt like hundreds of miles. The world I was returning to shadowed my brain. What would I do when I got back? What would I tell Wil? How could I explain the last couple of days?
When the bus drove past the mall, I gazed at the building. There was a strange love and hate feeling toward it now. It had brought me the boys, but it also brought with it a lot of pain. I honestly never wanted to see it again.
The bus rolled down the main road through West Ashley and I got off at the closest bus stop to the hotel. I stood at the platform, willing my feet to work. There was a terrible clash inside me. As much as I thought I needed to return, I really didn’t want to go home, either. It didn’t feel like home any more. I wasn’t sure I even had one. Wil, of course, I needed to return to but what would happen when I told him that maybe Corey could get him into college early? That they were willing to help him, even let him move in.
Somehow I knew Wil’s answer already. He said it every night. He hated the hotel. He’d do anything to get out of it. He’d jump at the opportunity. And then he’d be gone.
I needed a little more time. I didn’t know what I wanted for myself. A job? A new place?
I didn’t want to deal with Jack. As much as I hated him, he was my father. Broken because his wife died and stuck with two kids and no job, he’d sunk into himself until he didn’t resemble the man I’d grown up with. Maybe my time away from him had allowed me to grow a little sympathy for him. Without me, he’d eventually become a hobo, or dead, I’d wager. The month would eventually end and he’d b
e out in the street. I’d work to pay the rent, but when I finally left for good, what then?
I started off toward the hotel, with my bags slung over my shoulders. I needed to get this over with. I’d settle into a routine. I needed to find all the answers so I could truly be myself. When I figured it out, I’d call the guys and see what they were up to. Wouldn’t they be proud of me if I got my own job? Wouldn’t they freak out when they saw me get my own apartment? For the moment, I thought I would work really hard and surprise them all.
Could I ever go back to the old Kayli though? Even without picking pockets, I tried to imagine myself working the counter of some store, or in some office. The picture didn’t really fit.
The hotel looked gloomier to me. The clouds rolled over my head. It wasn’t going to rain, just hover and block out the sun. I stood in the parking lot for a bit, staring up at the second floor, at the door of 221B. It was shadowed by the overhang. Cold. Quiet.
Lies whirled through my head, and I was trying to come up with the best one. I don’t know why I bothered. Wil would spot them in a heartbeat.
I started up the stairs when I felt eyeballs looking out at me from different hotel rooms. I didn’t want to run into the limp willy freak without Raven there to back me up.
I clutched the phone in my front pocket. Somehow the act of holding it made me feel better about doing what had to be done.
I climbed the steps two at a time and when I got to the door, I realized I didn’t have my room key so I knocked and waited.
I had to knock again.
The locks clicked and the door opened a sliver. From behind it, feminine eyes, unfamiliar, peered out at me sideways. “Hi honey,” the lady said. “Did you have the wrong room?”
I blinked after her, and then rechecked the door number again. For a moment, I was lost. “Jack...” I said, unsure where to start. Did he move rooms while I was gone?
Her eyes widened and she opened the door wider. She was covered in a towel, her unnaturally red hair was wet and dripped to the carpet. “Oh. You’re here to see Jackie? He’s asleep.”
Discomfort swept over me as I realized he’d dragged home another woman. “Sorry,” I said. “I’m his daughter.”
Her eyes brightened. “He never told me he had a little girl! That’s so sweet.” She shifted the towel around her body. “Sorry about this.”
I waved it off. “Don’t worry about it.” I stepped into the space so she could close the door behind me. That’s when I caught the two pieces of paper on the floor behind her, folded notes that had been kicked aside. I stared at them absently. Notices from the maids? Maybe a warning if there had been a fight? I shook it off. “I was actually looking for my brother, Wil.”
“Wil?” she asked. “He has a son, too?”
I nodded. I lowered my bags to the floor. “If Jack came home with you last night,” I said, unsure how to be delicate, but tried to use a pleasant voice. At least she didn’t appear to be a crazy hooker. Just one of the nice ones. “I mean, he may have called Wil ahead of time to scatter. So he’s probably downstairs somewhere.”
She planted her palms on her hips. “Well, that’s just rude. He shouldn’t kick his own kids out.”
“You get used to it,” I said. I scanned the room, spotting Jack in the bed. His bare ass hung out from the blankets, and he snored like a chainsaw.
A sense of something being wrong thundered through my head. My eyes settled on a faux Coach handbag I didn’t recognize sitting on top of the bed Wil and I had shared. The bed was made up but the top was ruffled as if she’d been sitting on it.
“Still,” she said. She shrugged and pointed to the bathroom. “Let me get dressed.”
I nodded, feeling the awkwardness between us. Neither of us expected the other, and neither of us had a reason to be upset the other was there. She didn’t know she was invading anyone else’s space. I wasn’t going to throw her out naked.
I marched forward, hovering over Jack. I stared down at him, at his temporarily peaceful face. I wanted to smack his head for being an idiot and making Wil hang out by himself while I was gone and so far into the afternoon.
“Jack,” I called to him.
“Mergh,” he replied.
I stepped closer, weary. He could roll over and pop me a good one. “Jack!”
“What?” he called, not opening his eyes.
“Where’s Wil?”
He waved his hand in the air. “I don’t know. Go away.”
“Where’s Wil?” I asked louder.
“How the hell should I know? He ran off with Kayli again.”
I rolled my eyes. His disoriented state wasn’t helping. I turned, looking over the mess. There were beer cans on the table, a couple on the floor. Again, I had a strange sensation that something was off.
The woman emerged from the bathroom in a miniskirt and a low hanging top. Her hair brushed back, and she wore a thick layer of lipstick. She smiled pleasantly. “Want to look for your brother? I’d like to meet him.”
“Yeah,” I said. I headed for the door. “I’ll be back. Could you wait a second and open the door?”
I dashed downstairs to the main lobby and stood there for a moment, contemplating where Wil could be. I checked the workout room, the laundry room, and then searched the office with the computer. All were empty.
I circled back to the front desk. No one was there, so I knocked my hand against the bell, trying to get someone’s attention.
“Hang on. I’ll be right there,” Cody’s voice trailed to me from somewhere down the hallway.
I side stepped until I faced the office down the corridor. “Cody!”
“Is that you Kayli?” he emerged from the office, standing just outside the door, his arm half stuffed in a sports jacket but he stopped when he saw me. “Just you?”
“Yeah. Have you seen Wil?”
He shook his head and shrugged off the jacket again. “Hey, I was going to tell you. One of the business suites opened up. For a few hundred dollars more, we could put you guys in there. It’ll give you more room for the three of you.”
I shook my head. “Not now,” I said, not wanting the sales pitch. “I just need to find Wil.”
“Haven’t seen him in a few days,” he said. “Not since I last saw you.”
That struck me. “Did you tell him about the rent being paid?”
“I left a note under the door.”
My body stiffened. Realization cut through me like a cold knife against my bones. I started off back toward the lobby.
“Kayli?” he called.
I didn’t stop. I marched through the glass doors and let it slam back behind me. I jogged toward the stairs. I thought I heard a cat call but I didn’t stop even to flip a middle finger. My mind whirled, in a panic.
I came back to 221B and had to stop, knocking again, this time short and with fury.
The woman answered again, blinking at me. “Find him?”
“No,” I said, unable to hide the note of fear in my voice. I nudged her aside and then caught the two pieces of paper behind the door again. I stopped, picking them up. One was from Cody, a note to Wil, just like he’d said. It was still folded, like no one had read it.
The other was mine. My eyes looked over the words I had written. There was a small note at the bottom in another handwriting. For a moment, my heart raced, thinking it was Wil leaving a note back for me.
She’s with her boyfriend. She’s fine. - R
I rolled my eyes. Raven. I didn’t have time to comprehend his reasoning now.
I looked up, and then scanned the room again, putting the pieces together. Did Wil miss the notes? Was he out looking for me?
I scanned the room, looking for any sign of him. Some of his textbooks sat on the floor in a neat stack beside the bed. A couple of pieces of clothing were by the entertainment unit, old socks and a pair of shorts. I checked the drawer where he normally kept his clean clothes and other items.
It was empty.
I che
cked the others, ripping them open. In a mad search, I sought out any sign of him. He had to have come back. He had to.
I spun.
“Is there a phone number?” the woman asked, hovering back as if sensing my panic. “What can I do?”
“I don’t know,” I said. Did he see I wasn’t here and then go to stay with a friend? I had no way to reach him if he did.
And then my eyes dipped toward the kitchen. A doughnut sat on the counter, on a napkin. It was the same place I’d seen it last. It was the last time I saw him.
And then I knew. My heart stopped. My breathing slowed to a crawl, even though I desperately needed air right then. I knew, and I don’t know how I knew, but I was sure. If he had come home that night, the first night I was gone, he would have gotten there before I normally would have returned from work. He would have eaten that doughnut. He would have known I left it for him.
No. I felt it. It was why Axel and Kevin never saw him. It was why I felt uncomfortable when they said the neighbors claimed they’d seen him around but weren’t sure where he was exactly. They didn’t know. They had no clue.
Wil was missing.
And I was the last one to see him.
~A~
Marc stood in the middle of his apartment, looking down at the coffee table. His arms crossed over his chest. His friends were sitting on the couch, their eyes glued to Axel.
Despite standing in his own apartment, Marc was a million miles away. His fingers traced over his phone. The ringer was on at the loudest setting and it was on vibrate. He had Corey switch the number on the phone Kayli had to a straight up emergency signal. There was no way he’d miss a call from her. It had made him all too nervous to be sending her back to Jack. He wanted to follow her, but Axel, once he learned she’d left, had told him to stay. She’d be back. If he chased after her every time, she’d stay away longer.
Marc knew that. He’d been the same way with Axel. It was just hard for him to accept this. Once he had changed his mind for good, and settled into just staying with his new friends, everything had changed. The weight on his shoulders disappeared. He’d found a second family with his Academy team.