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For this Re-set, I decide immediately where to change this story: I do not get on the hood of Fred’s car. It’s that simple, at first. No sitting on Fred’s car means no falling off it. No one else sits on it, either, because I keep Jill and Donna talking and walking with Cliff and me as we go to our cars before Fred even comes out.
So far, so good.
The oddest parts in the Re-set come after this night ends, accident-free. Everything from here on is new to me. As I’m driving Cliff home, I feel myself both in and “leaving” my car, advancing along the linear timeline, in a kind of fast-forward. It’s hard to pay attention to my driving and to Cliff while this is happening.
Timulting during a Re-set brings perceptions of the multiple 'lines and I'm not used to this at all. It’s my first Re-set of this type, so I have no idea what to expect. This multiple awareness is freaky. Dozens of scenes of my immediate and medial future arise and recede, complete with audio and video, feelings and knowledge.
A kaleidoscope of alternate experiences races through my mind. Instead of missing out on dances, I’m dancing. Instead of foregoing hikes, I’m hiking. Instead of sitting around a lot and gaining weight, I’m moving, playing games, continuing with tennis and biking, staying slim. My physical experiences are completely transformed, all for the better.
Instead of growing to hate parties (since I can’t stand around a lot and most people stand around at parties), I am moving around, enjoying myself, one of the party-goers who is not handicapped. My social self is transformed because I say “yes” so often, make new friends, travel. I don’t know how I have the time to do it all.
My political, social, activist inclinations are not curtailed by a handicap. During the blizzard of protest and political/social action movements in the late ‘60s and throughout the ‘70s, into the ‘80s–Vietnam, peace/love, civil rights, feminism, anti-apartheid, anti-nuclear energy and specific power plants, trying to depose dictators in Central and South America, opposing wars in Israel, rallying about instability and human rights violations in African new nations and Tibet instead of being mostly sidelined, confined to strategy meetings and planning committees, I’m marching, getting involved, becoming one of the main speakers and writers, getting arrested. Repeatedly. I’m a bit infamous for it. My public self is transformed.
Instead of being a relatively happy, mostly stay-at-home, part-time worker/mom while my son is young, mostly homeschooling him, I am out and about, active, busy. Instead of being confined to the house due to a lack of money, so we share one car, and instead of having an inability to drive that keeps occurring when my leg is “bad,” I continue to work after Zephyr is born. So, his dad, Abraham, and I have two cars, and I can drive myself whenever I want. I can travel, easily, so I do. A lot. I accept jobs and enjoy vacations that toss me around the world. Having heard about Amnesty International while in college, I join up and work with them frequently. My professional and family selves are transformed.
I see other, fleeting, timelines diverging: I could be a doctor, a lawyer, a high-level manager of a political organization. Disabled, I shy away from jobs that require a lot of standing or walking, evening activities, obligations that involve a lot of traveling. Now, having no physical limitations opens the entire range of occupations to me.
By the time I “catch up” to my current age (58, at this point), I am whizzing through so many moments (playing soccer with Zephyr when he’s 8; going on Abraham’s second bike trip to France with Zef when he is 12; traveling and enjoying so many new sites: museums, trails, art galleries, "old townes," parks, and never avoiding stairs): it’s amazing to see how much I miss and cannot do before the Re-set that I now can do and do not have to relinquish.
At the end of the “catch up” point, the timelines reconverge. I get to review all the ways the main Re-set timeline and the current 'line are different and the same.
At this juncture in the event Re-set experience, I have a chance to undo the Re-set, return to the life I already lead, or keep the changes. Assessment and decision are entirely mine.
There are many factors to consider, especially with such a pivotal, life-changing event. The nerve damage to my leg affects much more than my body and my health: it forms my personality, preferences, goals, dreams. Like so many who are injured as teens, disability shapes my entire adult life.
Also, these changes greatly influence my son’s life. I am a very different person without having that injury. A life not centered around chronic pain and disability is a very different life. What I do not expect is all the ways my son’s experiences radically change with such a different person for his mom.
In addition to my willingness and ability to have more than one child in our family, which fundamentally changes Zef’s life and personality, our relationship is very different. When I am not home a lot, especially in his younger years, we do not become as close. This impacts our relationship throughout his life, as does the presence of a sibling. Zef acquires the wonderful and life-changing experience of sharing his parents with a younger sister in the Re-set timeline. Yet, he loses some of the intimacy he develops with both of his parents as an only child with a more stay-at-home mom in his youngest years.
Before the Re-set, Abraham’s and my relationship, from the beginning, is based on my having a need for someone to help me, which dovetails perfectly with his affiliation to being a caregiver. In this timeline, my leg does get better, as do other aspects of my health. When I am better and do not need so much help, especially once Zephyr is in school, our relationship deteriorates. Abraham and I separate in both timelines, but almost 10 years sooner in this Re-set than we do in the original.
Not only does this Re-set change my and Fred’s lives, it radically changes Zef’s, Abraham’s, and many others’ lives. I feel this oddly familiar, deep ache for the daughter I almost get to know, feeling the loss already as if I let her go.
Which is “better”? Which to keep? The comparisons are almost endless but must be made. I can’t be selective; it’s all or nothing: Re-set or retain.
The philosophy and psychology of Re-set are extensively examined in multiple species for countless millennia by the time we Earthers get a crack at it. However, each species—no, each individual—relates to the experiences uniquely. What to choose involves one’s values, beliefs, ethics, family, friends, careers, skills. This type of choice affects where we live, where we work, whom we love, whom we have or do not have for our children, and their children: all are impacted and forever changed by one moment’s Re-set, even one not as obviously pivotal as mine.
Tears are rolling down my face as I consider all the choices and effects imposed by my having been injured; they’re not all “bad,” but I see more clearly than ever that they are directly caused by that one event. It’s unmistakably apparent that all the outcomes not affected remain, are the same in many timelines.