CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
"It's Not Over 'Till It's Over"
late October, 2013
“We have research," Janis chirps, "that shows: 'Chief Communicators who are unpartnered are 75% more likely to have physical health problems, sleep issues and unhappiness during their terms,'” she declares. She always sounds like this when she reports information directly from the Many Worlds Collective Resource Library.
I think she’s reading from the textvid. Her pickle-like coloration takes on a grayish hue when she's concentrating or reading. Some of the indentations on her cucumber-like, outer body appear to deepen, even though the hologram is wavering. I tap the air around her form and the wavering subsides.
“Thanks, Janis,” I say, drily. “You must speak to my mother; she commiserates. I get right on that. 'Find a partner. Do-si-do.'”
Janis turns even grayer as she tries to fathom "Do-si-do."
I am a bit cruel sometimes.
I am about to explain square dancing to my E.T. colleague and friend when her pairpartner, Diana, interjects.
“How’s Epifanio?” Diana asks, not really changing the subject. “How is he taking your apology?” Diana turns her ovoid shape toward me, putting the more dimpled side toward her mate, as she does when they are concerned about me.
Evidently I am a cause for concern to The Band. I know I feel concerned about me. Given how strong our telepathic and other connections feel to me over these months of daily and sometimes twice daily visits and training sessions since I become Chief Communicator for Earth with the MWC, I recognize the need for their inquires. They are all here in holo form regularly, like today.
I feel that familiar ache in my chest whenever Epifanio comes to the forefront of my attention. “Well,” I start, then stop.
What can I say? How is Epifanio? What do I think his brief, email response to my written apology indicates as to how he is, how we are?
“See for yourselves,” I tell them, and pull down my vidscreen from above my head. Really, the screen comes from inside my chest, but the motion to “call” it starts above my head, then goes diagonally down, right to left, to bring the screen to eye level. “This email comes, yesterday.”
Diana starts reading, also chirping, turning more gray than green as she reads.
There! Reading equals chirping, for them. Hypothesis confirmed.
“'October 21, 2013,'" Diana chirps, more quietly than Janis does a few minutes ago, then pauses. I know that Diana silently reads the entire email, then, aloud.
"'Dear Clara (I should call you that, right?),
"'Thank you for sending me the draft of your novel and for putting the letter to me into it. I appreciate the time and effort you put into the letter and the sentiments you express.
"'I am not angry with you. Not because you request it, I do feel compassion and sympathy. But, more importantly, now I understand. That is key, for me.
"'I know your heart is strong and good. I pray that someone will love you deeply and wonderfully, in this timeline. I truly wish I could be that man.
"'But, as you know, I search my heart and intentions. Thoroughly. Honestly.
I’m sorry to say that those kinds of feelings for you do not live in me this time around.
"'I wish you all the best.
"'I’ll sign this,
Epifanio.’”
“Wow,” says Janis, “some message.”
I have tears leaking out of my eyes. I feel choked up hearing it again and reliving the pain more acutely, so I say nothing.
“At least he’s not angry, right?” Diana asks, pleading for my good humor to return.
“Yes,” Janis says, a little too eagerly. “Not angry at all.”
“But, also,” I say, regaining some composure, “not in love with me and not going to be, in this timeline...."
I stand up and start pacing, then remember how Fanio likes to do this when he's upset. I get an idea and stop, in front of Led.
I look to Led, feeling like Princess Leia. "Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi: You're our only hope!" As the leader of this MWC holo contingent (I am still not sure if he is a "he"), Led is my go-to alien for decisions.
"May I jump? Pretty please?” I am only half-kidding. Jumping to my preferred timeline feels very tempting, right now.
Led responds, his blueish-gray, ball-shaped form changing its usual hovering to a rhythm that matches his words, “If [Bounce] you [Bounce] seek [Bounce] love [Bounce] in the form of a human partner [Bounce, then back to hovering], we can look into that for you, or you can timult and preview options yourself.”
“I only want Epifanio,” I say, exasperated.
It’s true. I’m already married to him in every way that matters, except not here, now. It’s hopeless to imagine I could be available, emotionally, for anyone else. Is that pathetic or loyal, true love?
“It’s like a puzzle I can’t quite work out," I explain, thinking out loud, even though I know it isn't necessary for me to speak for them to hear my thoughts. "Isn’t there some way I can Re-set from the future I timult ‘backwards,’ to here?"
"Or," I feel some excitement, now, coming up with another plan, "why can’t you—we—make this the timeline in which Fanio and I are happily together? No unsanctioned jumps, so no harm comes to anyone from that? He wouldn't even know, right? Just do a trade!"
Not being with Fanio causes me to feel this discomfiting, internal, almost itchy feeling that things are not quite right, here. I feel it constantly. I send this feeling to them all, not knowing how to put it into words. I pause, then ask: "What can we do?”
No response.
“I feel so displaced, as if this isn’t the right life for me. How does this happen?” I’m crying, again. Arrghh. “Why doesn’t Fanio's heart open to me in this timeline?" I hear the anguish in my voice and I tamp it down a bit.
Continuing, I offer: "I feel so much despair and discouragement amid all of this great accomplishment."
I spread my hands, then point behind me, the MWC reference for talking about the past. "Maybe Moses feels this way as the Israelites return to ‘the Promised Land’ when he can’t go with them?"
I wait as they process my references. It takes about two seconds.
When Janis—Diana both turn virescent again, I continue. "Is this some kind of sacrifice I, as the Chief Communicator, have to make? Whatever for?”
None of them speaks, not even Ringo, and he's usually on my side when I express a need. I look toward his taller, jacinth form and try to get him to weigh in, but he remains silent, his six orange-shaded, arm-like appendages unusually still.
Mick doesn't say anything, either, but he is "offline" from a while ago and I don't see any of the blinking lights from his pyramid or any part of his turquoise body's holo here right now, either.
Where is Mick and what is he doing that's more important than this?
Wondering about Mick distracts me. I stop crying. I begin to feel calmer. Deep breaths.
Ahhh.
Led is soothing me.
I know, but I do not resist.
It’s comforting; why fight it?
After what seems an interminably long time, but what is probably about one minute, Janis responds.“It’s not impossible for his feelings to change, no matter what Epifanio says, now,” she tells me. "But, then you run the risk of encountering the 'Romantic Paradox.'"
Diana chimes in, “He only feels what he feels now, and only knows what he knows now. He doesn’t timult. Do you really want him to come to you resisting it? It won't last.... You say that.”
“He doesn’t love me and he doesn't want to be with me. Not in this timeline, not ever, does he?” I ask, mournfully."You're both right; I do not want him to 'change,' I just want him to love me."
Led explains further: “We do not know how this all unfolds, even if we think that we do. If Epifanio loves you and wants to be with you in many timelines, one of them may meet up with this one. No promises, but no absolutes,
either. Understand?”
I begin to feel some glimmer of hope. “You mean, ‘It’s not over ‘till it’s over’?”
“Exactly!” Led exclaims, pleased with me, again. He is bouncing more quickly, something he also does when he understands an oblique Earth reference immediately.
“Should I remove my letter and his answer, then? From my book? Leave in or remove the love story parts? How does it all make sense if I leave them out?” I ask.
“Leave it all in. Readers sort it out for themselves. Meanwhile, if/when you and Epifanio are together, you are happy and enjoy one another; that much you know. Be with that,” Led advises.
Janis—Diana seem to bump one another alongside their holos, which I interpret to mean they’re communicating telepathically.
Great! Now they’re talking about me right in front of me!
Diana hastily says, “No, no, Clara! We’re not. We’re just showing concern. Honestly!”
Janis adds, “We concern ourselves about you. Being the Chief Communicator is a difficult job and an arduous adjustment for any new CC. And, really, you are doing quite well, especially in your training sessions. But, we know your heart is, how do you say, ‘broken’? When we read about how important it is for CCs not to be isolated, that you need to get support. We wonder: how do you get it?”
Somehow, when I hear her say "support," my mind immediately goes to sex.
I do miss that....
"I do not know how having a sexual partner would improve my work as the CC. Would be fun to find out, though, wouldn't it?" I smile at Janis—Diana and show them, in my mind and on my face that I am grateful for their care and concern. “I get one, in some 'lines.”
I feel an overwhelming sense of well-being, with a trace of humor.
That has to be Mick.
I look over and see Mick's lights flashing, again. As I am about to ask him where he's been, Mick says: "Clara. 'It's all good.'"
That makes me laugh.
Mick knows how much I hate that vacuous aphorism.
Led gives his time-to-go signals.
It is after 9 PM. Past my bedtime, as they all know.
As Led's beach-ball sized, blueish, quivering figure emanates a whistling sound that I'm sure I only hear a fraction of, one by one, they all