“So he's still interested in me? Um, even though I'm highly dramatic?”
“Most definitely. Probably because you're highly dramatic and keep him on his toes, Suzanne,” he winks.
“That's probably a very bad joke, Mack.”
“I'm sure it is, but that's me. And Z will just have to deal with it. Would you like to see him?”
Gulp. I do want to see him. I know I do, but I feel scared, or intimidated, or nervous, or something. Seeing Z makes everything back to normal, but I don't really feel back to normal just yet. Z will want me to be normal, and I'm not sure I am yet. Shit.
“I do, but can I just have a minute. There's still so much to understand. Is that bad?”
“Not at all. I'm sure you're very confused and exhausted, and it's perfectly reasonable to have reservations about certain things. Do you want to see the Kaylas?”
“Not yet. I'm not sure why, but I feel like I'll let them all down if I'm not perfectly normal yet.”
“You wouldn't let anyone down, but I understand your fear and hesitation. Please, don't worry Suzanne. You get to do this at your own pace. No one expects miracles from you, and no one is expecting you to just jump right back into your old life. You've got however long you need.”
“Thanks, Mack. I remember you always say the right thing. Can you just stay with me for a few minutes? I don't think I want to be alone yet.”
“I'm always here Suzanne. I'll stay as long as you want. Do you want to talk? Do you have any questions for me?”
“A million, I think. Um, what happened, exactly? I know there was a car accident but that's it, I think.”
“You were at Z's apartment. Do you remember that?”
“Yes. I remember I spent the night with him and it was amazing.”
“That's what Z says as well,” he grins. “Anyway, you left Z's to meet my Kayla for lunch and you were involved in the car accident. Do you remember the accident?”
“No. Was it bad? It’s okay, you can tell me.”
When Mack pauses for a minute and looks down at his hands, I suddenly think this’ll be bad to hear.
“Yes, it was very bad,” he says on an exhale. “You were pronounced at the scene, and then pronounced with minimal brain function on the operating table. But true to form, you pulled through again.”
“Pronounced? Like dead?” Gulp.
“Yes, like dead.”
“Wow. That's messed up, huh?” Giggle. “Sorry. I'm not sure what to say. It's so weird to hear that kind of stuff. I mean, really weird.”
“I'm sure it is but you're handling it very well.”
“Thanks. And then I was in another coma? Do I have any brain damage?” Giggle again. Shit. “I'm sorry. This is just so strange. I mean who asks these questions? It seems like I'm the only freak in the world who all this shit happens to. And I think I'm one of those people who probably laughs when stressed, like at a funeral, or something.”
“You are totally that person. I could see you bursting out laughing at a funeral due to the stress, for sure. You are very strange Suzanne, but in a very endearing way,” he grins again.
Smiling back at him, “Thanks, Mack. That's probably a horrible thing to say, but I love it. Probably another weird Suzanne-ism, I'm sure.”
“Yup. You're filled with them. How are you feeling?”
“Better, but not great. It's like I'm seeing and remembering everything in a haze. I know everything now, but I don't really feel it. It's like I'm looking at myself, but not really seeing myself.”
“That's normal. You've been under much stress Suzanne, combined with confusion and a lack of memory. It's very normal to feel a little unlike yourself at this point.”
“How long have I been awake from the coma?”
“Um, around 3 weeks.”
“Really? Wow. What was I like? I only remember last night, or my dream, or whatever that was. Was I normal that whole time?”
“You were awake, but you had no memory of your most recent past, approximately the last 2 years or so from what I could ascertain. It was hard to gauge, so things were quite difficult for you, and for us. But Z and the Kaylas and I never left your side, though it was very hard at times.”
“I'm so sorry.”
“Don't be. Ever. Nothing you did or said is to be apologized for. You were struggling and we knew that. Anything you said was to be expected from someone struggling as you were. I'm just thrilled you seem so well right now. I'm thrilled you seem to be returning as Suzanne.”
“I think I'm back. Was I really bad?”
“Sometimes, yes. You had a few episodes which were very painful for us, and you lashed out at Z and especially at Chicago Kayla once. But we knew these episodes weren't your fault, and Kayla and Z don't blame you for them. Again, they're going to be just so thrilled your memory has returned. Z is going to be beside himself with happiness. He has been so amazing, and patient, and loving to you during this time. He has been amazing to all of us, for you.” Oh.
“Should I see him now?”
“Are you ready to? Would you like me to stay? I could give you privacy, or I could stay in case you both become overwhelmed. The choice is yours Suzanne.” God, Mack is so awesome.
“Is it really bad of me to wait just a little longer before I see him- NOT because I don't want to, but I just want to make sure I'm feeling better for him, or like, feeling something before I see him. Is that okay?”
“Absolutely. But I'm going to go talk to him for a few minutes. I want to put his mind at ease, then I'll return and stay awhile with you if you'd like.”
Nodding, I exhale again.
“May I have another hug, Mack?”
“Absolutely,” he says taking me into his arms.
This awake has been much calmer than I anticipated. This one hasn't been all confusing and manic. This awake has been as I hoped- calm and steady with my Mack while I wake up to my life.
Letting me go, Mack stays close to me watching my face as all the information sets in. I'm okay. I am overwhelmed, but I'm okay. So smiling with a nod, I let him leave me alone.
*****
When Mack returns I feel the need to confess.
“Um, I think I remember Marcus said some things about Z, but I confused it with the other stuff that happened to me. I remember now Z didn't hurt me.”
“What exactly did Marcus say to you? He won't tell me specifics, and I still need specifics in order to help you.”
“It really doesn't matter. I remember being with Z- by choice. I remember him now. Is he okay?”
“Yes, he's fine. He's still waiting outside if you'd like to speak with him. Are you ready to speak with Z now? Or would you like a little more time?”
“I'm sorry... but I can't yet. I think I remember something important Marcus said to me and I can't talk about it yet. I can't Mack. And I'm afraid it's true, and I'm afraid talking about it will make it true, and I don't want it to be true.”
“What Suzanne? What don't you want to be true? What did Marcus tell you?”
“I can't tell you because it shouldn't be true. Actually Mack, do you mind leaving now? You're still awesome, I swear… but I just need to think about things a little by myself. Is that okay?”
“It’s okay, Suzanne. I only ask that you talk to me as much as you can, so I can help you. If you start closing down and internalizing all this information and your new reality, I'm nervous you may become caught up in it all again, instead of slowly moving past it. Does that make sense? I just want you to be emotionally well, Suzanne. That's all I want for you.”
“I'm good. I'm just tired. Can I talk to you later?”
Rising from his chair, Mack smiles his lovely smile at me. “Of course you can speak to me later. I'll see to Z, and I'll come back in a few hours. Rest well, Suzanne. You really are doing amazingly well considering all you've been through.”
“Thanks, Mack.”
Leaning into me, Mack gives another Mack hug, as only he can. Holding him as ti
ghtly as I can, I try to take his awesome into my body. I would love to be as calm and supportive, and smart and wonderful as Mack is. I would love to be a Mack to someone else. I would love to be needed by someone else, as I need him.
Releasing me, Mack kisses my forehead gently, squeezes my hand on the bed and walks out of my room.
And without knowing why, I'm totally overcome with sadness again the moment he leaves me. I can't stop the tears, and I can't stop the sad from overwhelming me. I don't even know why I'm sad. I just am.
But sadness is something I’m totally familiar with, so I embrace it. There's no sense fighting something I've always had, and so I give into the tears and sadness.
Eventually, I feel myself falling asleep again to the comfort of my tears.
CHAPTER 20
JUNE 9
Reading a lame celebrity mag, I'm surprised by how unattractive some actresses are without all their make-up and airbrushing. Seeing their before and afters gives me a little hope. Maybe with tons of make-up and endless airbrushing I could look attractive again. I doubt it though. I doubt I’m that talented with an airbrush.
I haven't actually seen my ugliness yet but I feel it constantly, obsessively with my fingertips, and I doubt make-up can cover up an ugly texture. Plus, it's not like I can walk around with my own personal Air-Brusher. Can I?
When I hear a knock on my door I inhale a big breath. Please be Mack. Please. Mack seems to be the only one I can see without panicking even a little so far. Even the doctors I’ve seen over and over again still freak me out a little.
Turning, I watch Z enter my room. Whooooosh. Christ!
“Hi Suzanne. I hope you don't mind me visiting?”
“Um, no. I guess not. No. I mean, its fine to visit. It's fine.” Babble. Babble. What a loser still. Giggle.
“What's so funny?” He asks with a grin.
“Oh, not much. I'm still a loser, that's all. I find it funny how I can go through all these things, one after another, and yet I'm still the same loser I always was.” Giggle.
“I don't think you're a loser.”
“Well then, you must be a loser too.” Giggle. Seriously?! THIS is my big loving reunion? Total LOSER!!
“I'm not sure, but I doubt either of us are losers,” he smiles. “How are you today?”
“Good. You?
“I'm very well. Actually, I'm thrilled you're awake and lucid and that you remember me. I've been waiting a long time for you to remember me.”
“I know. I'm sorry-”
“Suzanne, please. I can't even begin to explain how happy I am that you're back. Don't be sorry, love. Just tell me you're back. That's all I want from you. That's all I need from you.”
Looking at him, I'm totally overwhelmed by him. He's just so much. He seems to even take the air from the room. He looks so handsome, and together, and normal, and just so like the Z I remember.
When I begin gently crying, he takes my hand but doesn't speak. I wish I could explain this to him. I wish I had the words. He's the same. But I know I'm not.
Whispering to me, “What is it, love?”
“Um, I remember you, Z. I remember all our time together, and I remember the way you were with me, but I can't really feel the way I felt for you back then. Not yet anyway. Does that make sense?”
“Yes...”
“I remember you though! You're so amazing Z. But you're too much for me, I think.”
“No, I'm not. I'm just right for you Suzanne- I am. Don't do this, please. I just want to sit beside you, and you don't have to do or say anything. I just want to be near you for a while. I'm not too much. I'm really not,” he pleads.
“Okay. You're not too much. Maybe it's just all this feels like too much or something. Please, don't be upset, Z.”
“I'm not upset. I'm emotional, and thrilled to see you, but I'm not upset.”
“Okay...”
Still holding my hand, Z leans forward a little and stares deeply into my eyes, which of course makes me turn away. I hate that. Even with Z. Eye contact is just too personal.
“Don't Z... I'm ugly now,” I suddenly shake and sob.
Shit! Z jumps on my bed so quickly I don't even have time to react or flinch before he's holding me tightly, while lying against my side in the bed. Fighting his arms for a second, he completely overtakes me. Holding me tightly, he begins shaking too.
What a mess this is. I don't know what to say to comfort him. I still have no words for him. Why can't this be easy? Why does everything have to be so intense and dramatic? Why can't I just have normal emotions with normal people under normal circumstances?
“Z...”
Moaning, “I'm sorry, Suzanne. I have felt every emotion there is for you during the last 3 months. I have been so low I thought I would die in my sleep beside you. And then I've been so hopeful I found the reason to come back and sit here watching you struggle to come back to me. I watched and waited as you struggled to live again. But I just need a minute. I just have to hold you for a minute so I know you’re back. Please?”
“Alright...”
After forever, I feel Z wiping his face against my pillow. And when his breathing returns to normal, I know this upset is almost over. I just wish I had the best words possible to give to him, but as usual I don't. I have only my silence to offer him.
“I'm sorry for that, Suzanne.”
“I don’t mind.”
“No, I'm very sorry. I think I've got all the emotion out of my system now. I'm ready for anything you want or need.” Huh. As soon as he says ‘need’ I suddenly go to a dirty place.
“Would you give me a kiss, Z?” I say so quietly I'm sure he couldn't possibly hear me, but then he moves me slowly until I'm flat on my back again while he leans over my body.
Looking down at me, his eyes are so shiny and beautiful, just like the pretty marbles I remember from before- before.
Taking my face in his hands, I flinch for a second until he stops moving. Slowly, he begins moving closer and closer until his lips touch mine.
Oh! I forgot. Dammit! How could I forget this? Z's lips are amazing against mine. They're so soft and full, and opening my mouth, he slips his tongue inside, a slow and sexy slide of his tongue until I hear myself moan.
Kissing him deeply in return, I'm instantly back with him in his apartment. I remember the love and the passion between us then. I remember the feeling. I remember it all.
Suddenly, I have never wanted anything so badly in my life. If I could kiss Z forever I would. I would erase my life, and forget the tragedies, through his kiss. I would close the door on my horrific past. And I would spend every moment like this, kissing this most amazing man, forever.
Moving my body closer to him, I find myself moving against him in a rhythm of sex. I want to be touched and I want to be loved. I want to be reminded of what we had. I want to feel the passion we once shared.
Lifting my arms to his back, I slip my hands under his shirt and pull him even closer still, until he leans over me with a leg resting between my thighs. Rubbing myself against his leg, I want to feel this. I want to have a new memory between us. I need a new memory between is.
“Z… please touch me,” I beg.
Pulling away from my lips, he asks, “Um, here? Suzanne we could be caught at any moment, and I'm not sure you're ready, and I'm not sure I'm ready and... Really?” He looks stunned.
“Please touch me. I don't care if we're caught, and I'm totally ready.”
“Ah... This seems really inappropriate, like I'm taking advantage of you. It feels kind of wrong, Suzanne. I don't want to hurt or scare you by touching you before you’re ready.”
“I'm not scared, and I want you very badly. I want this. You aren't taking advantage of anything. You're with me and you love me.”
Looking at me again, Z seems to be struggling with my request. I mean, I get it. It IS a little odd for me to be so aggressive, but I want this. I want Z to touch me. I want that feeling he gives me again.
/> Nodding and staring at me for seconds, Z seems to make up his mind. Yet when he kisses me again, and his right hand touches my breast, I jump underneath him.
Not wanting him to stop, I begin pushing myself against his thigh harder, and I can't believe how aroused I suddenly feel. I want him inside me again. I want his fingers and his tongue. I want him to enter me. I want him to make me feel all his love for me.
Moaning, I feel his hand move under the covers to me. Touching me lightly under the hospital gown, I try to push against his hand. Rubbing myself against his hand harder, I'm just desperate for him to enter me.
“Please...” I moan.
When I feel his finger slip inside me, I'm done. Gasping and rocking against him, I want this so badly, I don't even care how trampy I look. I don't care if this is bad timing. I don't care if I'm too aggressive. I want this with Z. I want this memory with Z. I want this release of all my sadness and confusion with Z.
Moaning and writhing against his hand forever while we continue kissing, I feel the pressure gradually building. I know this tightness and I know this intensity. Kissing him deeper, my hands pull him onto my whole body as I writhe against him.
He is so good to me. His hands and fingers are so amazing. He knows what to do, and he knows what I need. This is what I need.
Oh god... It's coming. I'm almost there.
When Z slowly pulls away from my lips and kisses my eyelid and then slowly my scarred cheek, it’s all over. The spell has been broken.
Gasping, my hands fly to my face trying to cover it up. Oh, GOD! Not my face. He made me forget about my face.
Bursting into tears, I push his hand away from my body and quickly flip to my side away from him as he stays still and quiet above me. Fuck! Why?!
“Suzanne... please.”
“I'm okay. It’s okay, Z. I wish you hadn't done that though. I wish you had ignored my face. Why did you do that?! Why my face?!” I moan.
“I was showing you how much I love you. How I don't care about anything but you. There is nothing between us-” he tries to soothe.