“I don't want him to come back. I'm sorry, but I really don't. I think I hate him for this, and I think I'm going to resent him for this forever. Even though I know that's totally unfair, I can't help it. I don't want this Mack, and that's not going to change.”
“It may-”
“It won't. I'm going to resent Z for doing this to me and he's going to resent me for not wanting this from him. There is just too much to overcome this time.”
“There isn't too much, Suzanne. You and Z can talk and find a middle ground with each other. You can work this out.”
“I don't think so. Honestly, Mack… I feel nothing for him but a horrible resentment. And I wish that wasn't true, but it is. I don't want to see him, and if this thing is born I'll give it to him and he can keep it if he wants. But I don't want it and I don't want to be with him with it. I want no part in this.”
“Suzanne, you can't possibly know what you'll feel months from now. You can't understand how you may change. You're making decisions now without the ability to foresee your future. You're barely here emotionally, and your 'normal' personality is mediocre at best. You're still struggling with all these new developments and changes. Your emotions are all over the place, and you're still struggling from one moment to the next. I can see it.”
“I know that, believe me. I KNOW I'm struggling but I’m not struggling over this. This is an absolute for me. Whether I was in the accident or not, I would still feel the same way. Mack, please hear me.”
“I'm listening, but-”
“There is no but this time. This is it. Since I can't make this go away, I'll do what I have to, but I don't want to do it, and the whole time I'm going to resent it. But tell Z for me he can have it if he wants it.”
“It's a baby, Suzanne.”
“Fine. He can have the baby if he wants it. I don't care. And if that makes me horrible, so be it. I'm a horrible person he never should've loved in the first place. And now he's aware of it, and you're aware of it. Everyone will know now what a horrible person I am, but I. Just. Don't. Care.”
“You're not horrible. Many women feel this way about motherhood. I know that, Suzanne. Chicago Kayla herself isn't keen on the idea of ever being a mother, but she does believe you would make a great parent. It's sad for us who love you because we don't see you as you see yourself. We honestly believe you're making a mistake.”
“Well, you can believe what you want. You can all think terrible things about me-”
“That isn't what I said.”
“It doesn't matter to me. I see you all and I remember loving you all, but I feel nothing for you anymore. You are this awesome guy, I know that, but I don't feel like you're awesome right now. I know it but I don't feel it. So I don't care what you think of me over this.”
“I don't think you're terrible. No one does. We just think you're shocked and making bad decisions.”
“Really? Well, I'm sure Marcus will agree with my decision and he'll take me back.” Wow. Where did THAT come from?
“Are you really going there, Suzanne? Honestly?”
“If I have to.”
“Now THAT’S a horrible thing, Suzanne. That's a truly selfish, awful thing to do. Marcus is all twisted up over you. He's not even rational anymore where you're concerned.”
“Good. Then we should be just fine together.” Even I flinch as the sarcasm drips from my tongue.
“This is probably the only time I have EVER been disgusted with you, Suzanne. Please don't do this. Don't use Marcus to fight against Z. It's so wrong, and it lets me know just how unstable you really are. You shouldn't be making ANY decisions, if this is the kind of decision you're willing to make.”
“Oh, fuck off Mack! Don't judge me! You don't know. You know nothing.”
“What the hell don't I know Suzanne? Tell me!”
“Marcus was always good to me, and he'll support me, and I won't be lonely while I have to suffer this! That's what.”
“Jesus! Grow UP, Suzanne! You're seriously pissing me off and making me furious with you. I realize this is very unprofessional of me, but fuck it! You're being a total asshole right now!” WHAT?! Giggle. “Go ahead and laugh. I don't give a shit. Suzanne, you're an adult. You're a grown woman faced with a problem, but instead of dealing with it you're just copping out. Grow up. It's time. Running back to Marcus isn't the answer.”
“It is for me!”
“Bullshit! Running to Marcus isn't good for you OR for him. I'm not sure you know this, but Marcus is really fucked up right now, Suzanne- not that you give a shit. Frankly, I don't give a shit about him but it DOES affect you, so naturally I'm all involved again.”
Man, he's pissed! If it wasn't so shocking I'd probably be scared to death right now.
“Again, I'm sure you care about no one but yourself here, but Marcus is a fucking mess. When he found out about your baby Suzanne, he lost it and was going to strangle you!” What?! “Yeah, that’s right. Marcus began moaning and advancing like he would strangle you and MY Kayla had to fight him away from you before she could get him removed from your room. Marcus even back-handed Kayla in the process.” WHAT?! He did?
“So, as you can imagine, I'm not a fan of his, though I do feel sorry for him. And Kayla is amazing, I swear to god! Kayla talked with Marcus afterward, and she saw in him a desperation and sadness so deep for you that she asked the police to drop the charges, calling the hit an 'accident' but not before we had a restraining order put into place for your protection. I wanted to go after him, and Z damn-near killed him, but Kayla stopped us. That's why he's only been to see you once. THAT'S why it's a bad idea to get back together with Marcus!” Holy shit! Marcus?! “So, you'll have to forgive me if I don't support your decision to take on Marcus right now, out of some misguided desperation. It's a bad fucking idea. It's pathetic, really.” Shit!
“Um, I didn't know,” I whisper.
“Of course you didn't! We, as usual try our best to protect you from all the things that'll push you over the edge, if you will. But I think we're going about your recovery wrong this time. ME being your constant support system last year when you became better falsely led me to believe that I had to proceed the same way with you this time as well. But now I'm sure I'm wrong. Kid gloves are not working with you anymore. You're using me to help you make bad decisions and you're even willing to use Marcus to make a bad decision against Z.” This sounds kind of like a break-up to me.
“Mack-”
“Let me finish, please.” Gulping, I nod to him. “Suzanne, I love you very much, but I think that's made me kind of soft with you, and I think it's becoming very detrimental to your emotional wellbeing. I think I need to stop trying to be your friend first and your doctor second. I should have been your Psychiatrist first and I've failed at that, I believe.”
Crying out, “You haven't! I swear. You're a really good doctor for me.”
“I don't think so any longer.”
“Are you leaving me?” I beg. Oh god, this I feel. THIS hurts.
“No, I'm not leaving you but I am going to be different with you. I'm not going to simply nod and agree to all your crap anymore. You need guidance, and clearly a firm objective hand before you make more bad decisions. You may even fire me as your personal physician, but I think this is for the best.”
“I won't fire you!” Oh GOD!
“It doesn't matter Suzanne if you do. I think we should really look into having another Psychiatrist assess you. I don't think I'm helping you anymore.”
“You are! Oh, god... Please.”
“Suzanne, I think maybe-”
“NO Mack, please! Please don't leave me!” Gasp. Shit. I can't breathe.
“Listen to me-”
“NO! Listen to ME!” Gasp. “I need you. Please don't leave m-me! Please. I'm sorry. I'll do- whatever- you want. I'll have this b-baby, I swear. I won't go- back to- Marcus! I'll do whatever- you want- me to do! Oh, god. PLEASE! Ssstay with- me...”
“Suzanne, look at me. I want
you to take a deep breath. I want you to try to calm down.”
“Mack, p-please don't leave- me. I'll die again. I swear! You're all I have left- in this world...” Gasp. Pause. Gasp.
Grabbing for me, Mack begins shushing me. Making little soothing noises as he rubs my back, he holds me tightly as I panic fully. My whole body is convulsing with the fear. I'm so scared I can't breathe. I am so unbelievably scared of being alone; of being without Mack I can't function.
“Please, don't leave me...” I beg.
Soothing me, “I'm not leaving you. I just don't want to be your doctor anymore. It's too hard for me now.”
“I'm so- sorry-”
“Suzanne, I can't balance this anymore and it's not helping you. And I want to help you again, but I think I need to do that as your friend only. I'm sorry, but I can't be your doctor anymore.” Oh god.
“What does that mean?” I whisper through my ragged breath.
“It means I'll introduce you to another Psychiatrist, maybe even my own,” he laughs. “But I can't be objective or on the fence with you anymore. I'm angry all the time and I'm losing my once clear perspective. I'm fighting with Kayla, and I'm fighting with Z, and now I'm fighting with you. I'm screwing up, and I don't want that for either of us.”
Pausing, I desperately try to get my breath back.
“I'm sorry I'm so hard for you, but I'll be better I promise.”
“You will be better. But I don't want that for me. I want that for you. You have to start making decisions for you now. Not for me. You can't live only for me, Suzanne. And you can't threaten to kill yourself every time I say or do something you can't handle. It's wrong and it scares me. And it's very unhealthy, Suzanne.”
“But I need you,” I moan desperately.
“I'm not going anywhere. I'm still here for you as your friend. I'll still visit every day, and I'll still be your Mack. But that's it. So prepare yourself, Suzanne. The gloves are coming off. Any attempt at professionalism is out the window. I'm not going to hold back anymore. And I'm going to call you on your shit now, like a friend would and should.”
Silently, I hold Mack tighter for a long time. I don't want to ever let him go. I CAN'T let him go. So if this is the new Mack- I'll take him.
“I'm really sorry I suck, Mack. I swear I don't mean to, but this is me I think. I think this is what my life has made me, but I'll try to be better. I promise. I don't want to lose you and if you want to be only my friend I'll take it. God, I know I love you so much, I just don't really feel if yet, but I know it's there.”
“It better come back soon, Suzanne. Otherwise, as Kayla says, I'll totally lose my shit,” he whispers in my ear. Grinning, I hold him even tighter than I thought possible.
This is going to be hard. I think Mack with the gloves off is going to be really scary for me sometimes, but as I said, I'll take it. I know at this point I'm not strong enough to face this life without him, so I'll take anything he's willing to give me, even if it sucks. Even if it’s really scary sometimes with the gloves off, I'll take it.
CHAPTER 24
JUNE
Since I've been awake, I've made remarkable progress apparently. I'm still slow and my body is still sluggish, but my mind is pretty good now. I'm still having physiotherapy twice a day, and I am getting stronger in my arms but my legs are still really weak, especially my left leg.
It’s great that I've made so much improvement. It’s great that I have my memory back after waking so soon from a coma. And though I'm pleased to know what my reality is, I sometimes wish I could feel a little more of my reality. Well, except for the physical pain I still get on my left side, and the fear I feel knowing I haven't looked at my body yet- that I don't want to feel ever, obviously.
It's almost funny how I've trained my eyes to NEVER look at myself, even by accident. I haven't seen my body or my face since I woke up, and so far I'm okay with that. It's almost a talent really- being able to function with perfect eyesight, and yet never once catch a glimpse of your own arm or leg or face, each and every day. Funny though, this ‘talent’ often leaves me suddenly looking upward or sideways like a moron, which I'm sure is quite amusing to those around me. Oh well, what can I do?
One of the Kaylas and/or Mack have visited me every day, and though sometimes I'm lonely, I'm never really alone, at least not physically. I just feel alone sometimes, even when they're right beside me.
It's strange, but I DO feel all the negative feelings all the time. I feel loneliness, and sadness, and even a kind of desperation often, but I never feel any ‘good’ feelings. I know I loved Mack and the Kaylas before, but I don't actually feel it anymore. I even remember my time with Z- which was an amazing time. But again, I don't feel any of it.
It's like I'm watching a movie in my mind, seeing all the images of my life, remembering all the images but never really feeling a connection to them, which kind of sucks. It would be great to actually feel what I know my life is supposed to feel like.
Mack has explained all my absence of feeling. He has explained repeatedly that what I'm experiencing is typical- almost a delayed reaction to the memories which so quickly surfaced, but again, his words though understanding and thorough and medically significant don't actually make me feel any better. Mack even explained that some people have a complete or subtle personality change, which I may have had. The onset of PTA memories can cause a person to know everything but feel nothing, which of course I'm doing.
Why couldn't it be simple? Why couldn't I just wake up and feel everything I'm supposed to feel? Why? Because that wouldn't be the way of Suzanne. Once again, I've learned if there’s a hard way or a dramatic way, or a depressing way to do something then I'm going to do it. Tada!
I think the only thing that has been beneficial with this delayed sense of feeling has been learning about the trials. It seems every day Mack or one of the Kaylas has some news to tell me. They are never actually graphic, but they let me know generally speaking what was said and what's happened to some of the people involved. During these conversations, I'm grateful that I feel nothing. I'm pleased to hear of the convictions without reliving or refeeling any of the pain I went through back then.
A few months ago Dr. Simmons, 'The Pig', as Kayla calls him, changed his plea to guilty for a lesser sentence with no chance for parole, especially when 4 of 11 known women, excluding me, were scheduled to testify against him. His lesser sentence is still long enough Kayla says to keep him in prison for the rest of his life, and I'm glad to hear that.
God, Chicago Kayla told me about that trial with so much excitement it was almost funny. I think I should have been insulted by her lack of sensitivity when describing the courtroom, the jurors, the defense team, and Dr. Simmons himself. But then I realized she was more excited for my sake than for her own entertainment, and her insensitivity became almost laughable. I realized she was excited for me that he was convicted and I was never going to be forced to take the stand against him.
Some of the other people involved have already been convicted and some of them are still finishing their trials. There were conflicts of interests everywhere and not one person was to be tried together so it’s taken longer than expected. Plus a few of the men are testifying against other men so the whole thing is a clusterfuck as Kayla says, for sure.
Kayla told me gently that Mr. Sheehan killed himself before his trial when he was fired from his position as CEO of his own company, and after his wife of 23 years left him. Apparently he couldn't handle the pressure he was faced with before the trial began. Whatever. I shouldn't be happy about it and I'm not really, but I feel nothing for his death either. He was a monster to me when I was little, and sometimes I think his quick death was almost too easy.
And finally, my mother’s trial has begun after many ridiculous continuations, one even being due to my coma which is kind of a slap in the face. I was told her defense team actually convinced a judge to postpone her trial because her daughter was in a coma- which is pretty shock
ing.
My mother made some plea which actually has her testifying against my father during his trial afterward. And my father has lawyered-up so successfully that he has been able to delay his trial until early November, which is kind of annoying.
I would love for my parents to finally be convicted and sentenced so I can release all the tension I hold for them still. But everyone says I have to be patient. Even the D.A., Mr. Rose, says the case is a slam dunk, no matter how long my parents delay the inevitable. This whole thing is truly exhausting, and seems never-ending for me and my sanity.
Once, when I asked Mack what the delay was about he finally told me my mother’s defense. Apparently, she claims she never hurt me, other than assisting my father in hurting me because HE forced her to do it. But her take on the events are NOT true, and I'm having a hard time dealing with that fact.
Part of me wants to rush the courtroom and scream she's a liar, telling everyone what my mother was really like. I want everyone to know of the physical and emotional abuse I had to endure as a child, and then the sexual abuse I had to endure from HER when I was a young teen.
But then the wimpy part of me just wants to let her lie, because inevitably she's still going to be convicted anyway, even if it’s for a lesser crime. And though I think Mack secretly wishes I would come forward with the real story so everyone knows the truth about my mother, he (as usual) supports my decision to stay the hell away, whether he wants to support me or not.
Without a doubt, of my two parents I hate my mother much, much more. My father NEVER touched me- not even once by his own doing. I'm sure of it. He never hit me when I was bad, and he never sexually abused me as a kid. The only thing he ever did was make sure I was available for the men, which obviously I know is bad enough. But he was just so different than my mother. He didn't seem to do any of the things because he actually wanted to.