“It hurts, Bernie. It hurts so much.”
“I know, Lex.”
“I don’t understand. I don’t understand how he can treat me like this. Like I’m nothing.”
“Just let it out, Lex.”
“I do. I let it out every fucking night. It won’t come out. It’s never going to come out. And now we have another baby to throw in this mess. I can’t do it, Bernie. I don’t want to.”
“You’re going to be fine and I’m going to be here to help you.”
Thank God for best friends. Alexis cried, and cried, and then cried some more, spouting off an accusation, or name toward Cory. Bernie held her when she needed a hug, called him a dick where needed, and listened to sob after sob from her Alexis, doing the only thing she knew how to do. Be her friend.
Six
After a workout and a half, trying to get three siblings all under the age of five to be still long enough to get a decent shot, Alexis gave up. Paige came to the rescue and had the youngsters gut laughing in two minutes. Alexis took a deep breath and dejectedly walked out of the studio and into her office. Maybe she was better off sitting behind the computer, doing the Photoshop side of things. She’d lost her touch. When did that happen? Her memory wasn’t so good either. Her eyes glanced to the date at the corner of her computer and she remembered she wanted to text Cory hours ago.
Alexis—Can you only take Kinley from Sam’s tonight? I want to take Riki school shopping. We’re down to one week.
An audible breath was released when she turned her attention back to the two little girls in front of her and adjusted the gray hue behind them. Both her eyebrows raised when she got a quick response. Bastard must have been feeling nice.
Cory—I can take her school shopping.
Alexis—Yeah? Just like you were going to take her to sign up. School starts next Wednesday. When were you planning on doing that? Just let me take her, Cory. It’s too hard with Kinley. I’ll drop her off to you after we’re done.
The urge to give it right back to him was strong, but Alexis was the bigger person. She deleted her smart reply and rephrased it in Cory terms.
Cory—Fine, I’ll leave my credit card with Sam.
Alexis—Yeah, you do that.
Cory—You’re not taking her if you think you’re paying for one thing, not even a sock.
Alexis—I know, Cory, because she’s YOUR kid. Whatever. I’ll bring her home after I’m done.
A cup of pens went flying across her desk with an angry swipe just as Paige opened the door. Great.
“You okay,” Paige asked with a look of pity, cleaning up Alexis’s angry outburst.
“Yes, I’m fine. You done in there?”
“Yes. What’s gotten into you, Aunt Lex?”
“Shouldn’t you be away at school?”
“I’m an hour away. I didn’t have school today. Bernie said it would be okay to come in and work.”
“I’m sorry, Paige. Of course it’s okay. You can come here and work anytime you want. I’m just, I’ don’t know what the hell I am.”
“You can’t go behind the camera anymore, not until you get over whatever the hell you are,” Paige ordered like it was her business. What the hell?
“Excuse me?”
Bright blue eyes bored into Alexis’s with a clunk. The cup full of pens slammed to the hard surface. “You heard me. Your hearts not in it, and I’m saying this as your friend, not your favorite niece. You would be mad at me if I didn’t point it out. You’re too uptight, you’re irritable with the kids, and you have an aura of bad energy all around you.”
“I do?” Alexis questioned. Asking was stupid. She didn’t need to ask. She felt it.
“Yes, and it’s not you. What do we need to do to fix it?”
“Do you want a baby?” Alexis asked with a sad smile. Poor little thing didn’t have anyone anticipating its arrival. Guilt returned and gloom was felt for the baby that didn’t ask for any of this.
“You know as soon as you hold him, you’re going to fall in love, right?”
With a deep breath, Alexis replied, “Yeah, I know. I’m okay and thanks for having my back. Maybe I’ll just stay out of the studio until these hormones are passed. I’m picking Riki up tonight to go shopping. Let’s hope that helps.”
“It will, go get her now. I’m here. Go shopping with Riki and buy yourself something while you’re at it.”
“No, that’s okay. I can work a couple more hours.”
Paige cocked a hip and tilted her head. “You could, but do you really want to? Get out of here. Go shopping.”
Alexis stared blankly up at Paige. If she beat Cory there, she wouldn’t have to take his credit card. Was that spiteful? Yes, it was no doubt vindictive. “You’re right. I’m going. Thanks and you really are my favorite niece.”
“Yeah, I know. I’ll see you later.”
Alexis had a quick conversation with Bernie and darted out the door. If she was lucky Kinley would still be napping and she wouldn’t cry after her. That was her newest thing, and Alexis couldn’t help but think she was confused. Going from her house to Cory’s house had to be puzzling for her.
The truthful words from Paige played through Alexis’s mind like an old record. Paige was right. Cory was gone, Cory wasn’t coming back, and that was that. Time to move on. She wouldn’t take him back now if she had to. She didn’t have to, he didn’t want to, and there was no sense in, crying over it anymore. That was it. No more. Cory didn’t have that power over her, and she was taking it back.
Riki was outside playing with Emily on the tire-swings when Alexis pulled up. That was good, Kinley wouldn’t see her. The only problem was her being dirty.
“Lexis!” Riki called while jumping from the swing. She ran three feet and fell over nothing. Alexis laughed and asked if she was okay. “Whoa, you okay?”
Riki jumped up and brushed off her knees. “Yeah, I thought my dad was picking us up.”
“He’s going to pick Kinley up. I thought maybe you’d want to go do a little school shopping, just me and you.”
“Okay, can Emily come?”
“It’s okay with me if it’s okay with her grandma.”
“No, your mom wants you to be ready when she gets here. You have a dentist appointment,” Sam reminded her from the porch.
“Oh, I hate the dentist,” Emily complained with a stomp and balled fists.
“Is Kinley sleeping?” Alexis asked as she took Riki’s hand, leading her toward the car.
“Yes, but you can wake her. She’s been asleep for an hour now.”
“No, I don’t want her to cry after me. It makes me sad. Let her sleep. Give her a kiss for me.”
Alexis buckled Riki into her booster seat and kissed her lips. “Let’s go have some fun.”
“I thought you don’t like fun anymore.”
Alexis took a regretful breath and got in the driver’s seat. “I like to have fun. I was just sad for a little bit, but I won’t be anymore. Promise.”
“Cause my dad left?”
“Yes, that made me sad for a little bit, but it’s okay. We’re doing okay like this, right?”
“No.”
“No?”
“Uh-huh. I liked it better when daddy lived at the big house too. Maybe he will come home when the baby comes.”
“Did he tell you about the baby?” Alexis questioned through the rearview mirror. Riki played with the tag on the back of her shirt and talked like they were having a normal conversation.
“No, you did at my party, remember? When you were dancing to the birthday song?”
“Oh yeah, I thought you were outside then.” Alexis frowned. She thought for sure she was outside. She watched her walk out with one of her little friends.
“No, I was looking for a bowl, because Katie found a frog.”
“What do you think about that?”
“About the frog?”
“No, having another baby sister or a brother?”
“I don’t like
boys, except daddy.”
“Yeah, I don’t like them either, especially your daddy,” Alexis agreed while speaking the last part aloud, but too quiet for Riki to hear.
Alexis did exactly what she set out to do. Have fun. Once again she spent too much money and didn’t care. Riki was happy and that made her happy. Four bags of clothes, shoes, socks, undies, school supplies, a new backpack, lunch box, and an umbrella should do it. Riki was all set for school. She was ecstatic, talking nonstop about riding the school bus with Emily. Apple Bee’s and a stop at Barnes and Noble for a new book and they were headed home, back to Cory’s.
“Maybe you can spend the night with us at my dad’s house,” Riki suggested.
“No, what about Mr. Dog?”
“Oh yeah.” Thank God for Mr. Dog. That was easy.
Alexis audibly groaned when Cory walked out in jeans, riding low on his hips, no shirt, and no shoes. Kinley was just as cute with wet hair and nothing but a white diaper, but she did little in distracting her mommy from her daddy. Gah!
“Hi, baby girl,” Alexis cooed when Kinley jumped into her arms. “I missed you so much.”
“You were supposed to take my card,” Cory accused with an agitated tone. Great, here we go again.
“I left work early.”
“How much do I owe you?”
“I’m not sure. I’ll put the receipts in the diaper bag after I figure it up.” Alexis had a great afternoon shopping with Riki, and she wasn’t letting Cory get to her. She could do this. She had to do this. Kinley feels warm. Is she fussy?”
“A little. I think she’s teething. Come on, baby,” Cory coaxed in a sweet tone, trying to take her from Alexis. Kinley held on for dear life and cried out. She was going with her mommy.
“What’s a matter, baby. Does your mouth hurt?” Alexis soothed while her lips kissed Kinley’s warm forehead.
“Just hand her over, she’ll be fine as soon as you’re gone.” Cory tried taking her again with the same results.
“I’ll take her home with me. She doesn’t feel good, Cory. She wants me.” Alexis was being as nice as she could be. She wasn’t the one with the attitude and this was about Kinley, not him. Making it about him was his plan though. Cory wasn’t having it.
“No, she’s staying here. I’m a doctor. I’m pretty sure I can handle using baby Tylenol and Oragel.”
Kinley cried louder with real tears when Cory snatched her out of Alexis’s arms. “Come on, Riki, let’s get you bathed.”
“I took a bath with baby wipes in the car,” she complained.
“Cory, please don’t do this. She wants me.”
“We all want things, Alexis, but guess what? We don’t always get them. Somebody always comes along and screws that up for you. You’re not that someone. Go home.”
The shattering of her heart was heard in her ears, not from Cory’s hateful words, but from her baby, reaching for her with tears and a running nose.
“I’m going with Lexis, too,” Riki decided with her own little arrogance. Alexis looked down, feeling her hand slid into hers.
“Get in the house, Riki.”
“I don’t like it when you’re mean to, Lexis. You make her cry all the time and I don’t like it. I want to go home.”
“You are home. Now get in the house.”
Alexis squatted to Riki. Great, she just had to go and cry, too. “I’ll see you in a couple days. It’s okay, baby. I’m not crying.”
“But you will. I hear you sometimes and then I look down the stairs and you’re crying. I don’t want you to be all by yourself.”
Alexis looked up to the changed expression on Cory’s face. It was softened and guilt showed in the creases. “I’m not alone, sweetie. Mr. Dog is there, and I promise you, I’m done crying. I won’t every cry over your daddy again.” The last sentence was directed right at Cory, not Riki. “Go on in, you can call me before you go to bed. Do you want your new books out of the car?”
“No, I want to read them with you.”
Alexis wiped her tears away with her thumbs, hugged her tight, and pushed her away with a tap on the butt. She stood and placed her hand on Cory’s bare chest and moved close to his ear. “You’re a piece of shit.” She kissed away Kinley’s tears with her lips and removed the grasp when her little fingers snatched ahold of her shirt. The promise not to cry anymore was exhausted before Alexis got to the end of the block.
The stop sign was used to find stable ground. There was no stable ground. It was lost and she couldn’t seem to find it. Her shoulders heaved in and out while her promise to herself and to Riki was broken. She wasn’t even sure how long she’d been siting there, crying uncontrollably when someone tapped on her window. The tears were instantly gone.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine. I just needed a minute.”
“Want me to call your parents?”
“No, no, I’m fine Mr. Sealy, thank you for checking though.”
“You sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, promise,” Alexis replied with a smile. Could anything else go wrong in her life? Mr. Sealy would be on the phone with her dad in two seconds. She nodded her goodbye and looked both ways before crossing the four-way stop.
To her surprise, she made it all the way to her driveway without a phone call from her parents. The tears returned when she parked her car and turned off the lights. Lola sat on the porch, swinging back and forth.
“What are you doing here?” Alexis questioned while petting Mr. Dog and using her shirt to dry up tears.
“Mr. Sealy called, said you might need a shoulder.”
Alexis smiled, happy that her mother wanted to be there for her, but really not wanting the company. “I’m okay. How’d you get here?”
“Your dad brought me on the Gator. He rode over to Doug and Sam’s. What’s wrong, Alexis?”
“I don’t need a shoulder. I need three men, Jack, Jim, and Johnny.”
“Getting drunk never solved anything. I hate seeing you like this. It’s like Mitch all over again.”
Lola stayed seated on the swing and Alexis dropped to the first step, leaned against the post, and turned to her. “Oh no, Mom. This is way worse than Mitch. Every time I think I’m okay and I’m going to make it through this, something else happens and I’m left starting all over, again, and again. I’m tired of starting all over.”
“Then stop it. If you keep on—.”
“Yes, mom. I know. If I keep on doing what I’m doing, I’m going to keep on getting what I’m getting. That doesn’t help me.”
“What happened tonight?”
“I took Riki to his house after we went school shopping. Kinley’s sick and she wanted me. Cory wouldn’t let her come with me. Even after she clung to me, crying. He wouldn’t let me bring her home. He’s being such a dick and I hate him.”
“Watch your mouth, and you don’t hate him. You’re hurt by him.”
“Oh, I’m pretty sure I hate him. I know as a Christian, you don’t like hearing that, but I can’t help it. It’s what’s in my heart.”
“What do you want, Alexis?” Lola asked with her feet coming to a halt. She leaned up and rested her elbows on her knees, staring right at Alexis.
“I want to go back to Dad’s birthday party and do it all over again.”
“Why? Because you did something so terrible to be treated badly? We all make mistakes, honey. Your dad and I have worked on you kids from your very first breath. Life is too short for all this. You have to pick yourself up and move on.”
“Mom, I’m pregnant. How the hell am I supposed to move on?”
“Find something else to busy your mind.”
Alexis held down the temper with a deep breath. “Look at my yard. You saw what I did to Riki’s room, and the attic. I’m getting ready to remodel my room, but it’s not enough. Can’t you understand that? I’m eventually going to run out of things to do.”
“And you’re going to eventually see how blessed you are, see how much yo
u do have, and not what you don’t have. Don't put your life on hold for anyone, Alexis. Every minute you spend focusing on Cory is a minute that's holding you back. You have a future, and whether or not Cory rides in here on a white horse and does the right thing is irrelevant. God put that baby there for a reason. You might not know what that reason is right now, but you will. You have got to forgive and move on. You have to, Alexis, bad blood is a horrible, horrible disease. Forgive and move on. I have to admit, as much as I loved Cory, I sort of always had a feeling.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re both so pernicious right now.”
“No, I’m not talking about us being spiteful, besides, I’m not trying to be. He is.”
“I feel like things moved pretty fast with you and Cory. You got pregnant. I think your relationship birthed out of proximity or chemistry alone, and it was bound to fail.”
“That’s not true. I mean yeah, there was a lot of chemistry, but there still is.”
“When letting go becomes less painful than holding on, it’s time, Alexis. Let him go.”
The wise words were appreciated, but contrary to the help. They did little to stop the vison of Kinley not feeling well and wanting her mother. That one may never be forgiven. That was cruel and uncalled for.
Walt had pretty close to the same words of wisdom once he arrived to pick up his wife. They were heard, but hard to hear. She was hurt and felt betrayed. She just needed a moment to feel pain and mend the wounds. She would be okay, she knew she would, but whether they understood or not, it had to be her way in her time.
After seeing her parents off, Alexis sighed a long breath, swatting a mosquito on her arm. Her hand went to her growing pooch and her eyes stared after the taillights. It was time to move on. She knew that part, it was the how to do it that had her beat. She could make all the promises in the world, but she couldn’t take off his ring, she couldn’t sleep in her bed, and she couldn’t get him out of her mind. One thing was for sure. She sure as hell wasn’t going to trust another man, ever. It didn’t matter if they came from small town Cedar Springs or big city Chicago, they were all the same. At least Mitch always treated her with the utmost respect.