Chapter 4
When Ian heard the massive doors that led to St. Conan’s inner sanctuary creaking open, he assumed it was tourists come to check things out – a common occurrence on Sunday afternoons. Although the curious stares and gawking admirers of St. Conan’s gothic architecture weren’t always a welcome interruption, it was their donations that more often than not paid the bills, and he welcomed them heartily for that reason.
He was expecting Chelsea and Greg, but not until half past two. He’d hoped the pair would have attended church services and met with him directly afterwards. But Edith and Emily had been the only two from the Downey family to come to church. Emily had been surprisingly chatty, and her mother, just the opposite. Edith had passed along some excuse about Greg not feeling well enough to attend and a quick reassurance that Chelsea was sure he would be quite all right by mid-day. Ian doubted Greg was truly ill, having read the sketchy comments Greg had filled in on the personal inventory he’d asked each couple to complete and put in the mail.
So two hours later when Emily Downey poked her head round the corner of the vestibule where his office was located, he was surprised to say the least.
But not as surprised as he was when she hugged him.
“Oh, Ian, I was ready to go home to Glasgow and then I started thinking about what we talked about yesterday and couldn’t bear the thought of leaving until I’d thanked you for everything you’ve done for me.” She snuggled her head against his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck.
Wow. He’d not seen this coming. He disengaged her arms as gently as he could and held her at arm’s length. Had she had some sort of breakthrough? Was she being sincere?
“I just wanted to talk to you a little longer.” Emily’s eyes were soft, gentle, and sincere. “I hope you don’t mind my dropping by.”
“Of course not.”
“No one has–” Emily faltered over her words, her emotions hidden no longer, but perched on the very surface of her body. “It’s been a long time since anyone has cared enough to take the time to find out what I think and feel.”
“It’s a busy world we live in,” Ian said. “I’m afraid I’m guilty of doing the same to my family, and those I love most. I’ve always found it interesting – the fact that speaking directly about matters of the heart comes so naturally here, with relative strangers, when it is so difficult in our daily lives, with those whom we are close to.”
“I knew you would understand,” she said, missing his point, and making him feel even more uncomfortable.
“I’ve been thinking a lot since yesterday, and I think I’ve discovered something about Benjamin that does bother me just a wee little bit.”
“Okay.”
Emily stared at him soulfully.
“Go ahead.”
“Well, it’s just that, when we talk - I mean Benjamin and I – I can hardly get a full sentence out without his mobile ringing, or a text message coming in about this patient or that, or a nurse needing his opinion, or another doctor paging him for a consultation. I know he’s not doing it on purpose, and I know he’s terribly interested in what I have to say, but it’s just so distracting.”
“I can see why that might be irritating.”
“Yesterday, I mean, the way you and I were able to talk on and on, just the two of us, the conversation flowing from one topic to another, and me having your full attention, without a single interruption for over an hour... I just felt so cared about, and appreciated, and... loved.”
Ian cleared his throat. Assuming he was reading her correctly, he had a problem. “Well, really, I think it’s the whole experience of being at St. Conan’s that probably affected you so deeply. I talk to dozens of people, hundreds really, and it’s always the same. The architecture here is just so stunning. People are constantly telling me that the way the light filters through the stained glass windows and the lofty feeling of the Gothic ceilings paired with the cozy feeling of the chancel archways gives them an exquisite sense of well-being. So truly, it’s nothing to do with me personally, rather God stirring those who seek His spirit.”
“But I felt that you and I also connected on a very intimate level,” Emily said, not catching on.
“Well, then, if this is about communicating more effectively, I have some exercises you and Benjamin can use to enhance your conversations.” Ian swiveled round to his file cabinet and flipped through his folders.
“It’s not just about the way things are when Benjamin and I are talking,” Emily said. “It’s our whole lifestyle.”
Ian turned and looked at her again. It would be rude not to.
“Generally speaking, I love my life and my career in public relations. I enjoy the hectic pace, being constantly busy, rushing from one thing to another, and the feeling of having my intellect and reflexes stimulated. But every once in awhile...”
“Yes?”
“Well.” She blushed. “There are times when I can see leaving it all behind and settling right here in Lochawe, living in a wee little stone cottage in the glen and raising a family just the way my Mum did.”
Ian took a deep breath and forged on. “I’m sure the people of Lochawe would love having a doctor nearby, even if only for a few days a week. But if Benjamin shares your dream of living in the country, he would probably have to change his specialty to general medicine, assuming cardiologists need to practice out of a sizeable medical center and not a country clinic.”
“Oh, I didn’t mean... I’m quite sure Benjamin would lose his mind if he had to live in Lochawe.”
“But...”
“See, that’s the thing about committing to a lifetime with Benjamin. It’s more than a pledge to the man, it’s adopting that entire busy, big-city lifestyle for all eternity. And I just don’t know if...”
He was about to say, ‘But when you love a man,’ and then he remembered that she probably didn’t.
“Then you must be honest with Benjamin about your concerns.”
“But that’s the thing. I may be able to share my thoughts and fears with you, but there’s no way I could have this conversation with Benjamin.”
“That’s also very natural. There’s a lot at stake when it comes to Benjamin. Perhaps you’re afraid of hurting him, or that he’ll feel disillusioned with your relationship if he knows you’re unhappy.”
“Yes, I suppose that’s possible. But I think part of it is his personality. You’re so different than he is. You’re laid back and compassionate and...”
He stood without even realizing he was going to do it – probably his fight-or-flight response kicking in. He saw his mistake as soon as she followed suit, stepped closer, and hugged him again.
He’d been trained in how to handle the woes of transference in his counseling classes, but never had he actually had to deal with it. Perhaps he was overreacting, but unfortunately, he didn’t think so.
“Well, thank you for that.” He loosened her arms from their new perch at his waist and stepped back a good two feet. “And now, best be on your way. Chelsea and Greg should be here any moment.”
Her eyes took on a tortured look. “Yes, I should be going. Benjamin phoned and suggested that we have dinner together this evening – to make up for not being able to come to Loch Awe with me as planned.”
“A very thoughtful gesture.”
“Yes.” She gazed at him soulfully.
He stepped towards the door and motioned to the exit with his right arm.
“I’ll be on my way then.”
“Until next week,” Ian said, doing his best to look aloof.