That was the moment I knew January should have been my very own bride. The thought of her marching toward another made me queasy and I had to grip the pew in front of me for support.
The next night, we all sat around Cherry’s deck. (Charlie’s apartment was now known as Cherry’s. That’s always how those things go, I think.) We were all drinking, except for Carter and Kelly of course, as they’d left for Fiji that morning. I couldn’t help but feel a small sense of peace around my extended family. Harper sat on Callum’s lap as they laughed as some private joke. Charlie slowly danced with Cherry. Marty, Aaron, Nat, Jared and Josiah all sat around singing, passing a bottle of wine around. Freddy, Sam, Cross and SO were inside playing a serious game of Scrabble.
I wasn’t happy, but I was as close as I was going to get to feeling a semblance of normality. Yeah, in order for you to avoid going over the deep end, dude, you’re going to have to move in with your married friends. You’re fucking pathetic.
A buzzing, ringing sound interrupted my thoughts. My phone. I barely recognized the ringtone; I hadn’t used it in so long. I dug it out of my pocket and pulled down my hoodie to answer, not bothering to check who it was.
“Hello?” I asked.
“Yo, it’s Jason.”
“Hey, J. What are you up to?”
He sighed. Not a good sign. “Nothing, man. I just needed to talk to you. Are you at Cherry’s?”
“Shit. Just say whatever it is you have to say.” My gut clenched in preparation.
“I’d really feel better if-”
“Jason, don’t effing make me wait. Just spit it out.”
“They gave Jonah the position.”
Of course they did.
“I see.”
“There were a lot of deciding factors-”
“Cut the bullshit, Jason. You and I are friends, good friends at that. No need to give me the whole song and dance after ten years. Now come over and pick me up. We’re going out. And bring a bottle of Jack for later.”
When you can’t have what you want, drinking always helps...kind of. Not really. But who the hell cares.
I kissed the girls goodbye when Jason rang me from downstairs. “Bye, Cherry Bomb,” I said to her at the door, but she pulled me in for a last minute pep talk.
“Don’t do anything stupid, Tommy Boy. You’ll regret it and you’ll spin down a shame spiral the likes of which we’ve never seen. I know you, and right now, you’re hellbent on causing irreparable damage. Just stop and think, baby.”
“I’ll try, Cher,” I said, kissing her forehead but even I knew that was a lie.
I took the stairs to the lobby and hopped in the cab with Jason. “Let’s get shitfaced.”
“Just what the doctor ordered,” Jason said, pulling out a bottle of Jack from the floorboard. “Let’s drop this off at my pad and then hit the city.”
After dropping the liquor off at Jason’s, we headed to Soho.
“Let’s make some bad decisions,” Jason said, clapping his hands together as we took two stools at the bar.
“Yeah,” I said, feeling uncomfortable already. I needed to drown that feeling out pronto.
“What’ll it be?” the bartender asked.
“Scotch, McEwan's,” Jason said, ordering for me.
“No!” I protested, an image of January in Dublin coming to the front of my mind. “No.” I cleared my throat. “Uh, two shots of Patron, please.”
The bartender nodded.
Six shots later and I was starting to lose sensation in my gums. This was a good thing. I needed to forget, needed the torn and gaping hole in my effing chest to feel numb. Jason was dancing with a girl on the other side of the bar and all I could think was that I needed to keep drinking.
“Is this seat taken?” a gorgeous blonde asked me.
“Go ’head,” I slurred.
“What are you drinking?” she asked.
“Patron,” I told her.
My forearms had permanent dents in them from resting so harshly against the wooden bar top. She leaned into me slightly and I pushed them in further.
“Is that your friend over there?”
“Yeah.”
“He’s dancing with my friend.”
“Cool.”
“Why aren’t you dancing?” she asked, leading.
“I’m not the dancing type.” That wasn’t true. For January, I was.
“Can I get a Patron for my friend here?” she asked the bartender.
She stood so I could get full view of her figure. She was beautiful, very, yet she was nothing.
“I can buy my own drinks,” I told her.
“You’ve obviously been through something.” She sidled even closer and I was too drunk to keep her off. “It’s written all over your face,” she whispered closely. Her sickly sweet perfume enveloped me. “Let me help you forget,” she suggested, running her hand up my forearm. The touch made me sick to my stomach.
There was a time in my life where a woman like this would have been warm in my bed within the hour of meeting her. There was a time I would do those sordid things and feel almost nothing at all for it. I looked at her closely in that second and she mistook it for interest, smiling at me kindly. All I could see and think when I looked on her was that this young woman was someone’s daughter, sister, possibly mother. I was disgusted with myself knowing all this time I’d been acting like the biggest fool at the expense of so many girls. I realized I’d caused untold damage. I didn’t deserve January.
Yet looking at that girl, knowing what she was willing to do with me, I knew I would never do those things again, and not because I cared one iota for that girl. No, it was because I could never betray January like that. I loved January more than I loved myself and that was the first time I’d ever really felt that way for someone. I knew it would probably be the only time.
I was going to stay away from January MacLochlainn...because I loved her more than anyone on God’s green earth and she deserved someone as amazing as herself.
“What’s your name?” I asked the blonde.
“Kristi,” she smiled.
“Kristi, would you have sex with me tonight?” I asked honestly.
Her smile faltered for a moment but picked right back up. “Yes, I would,” she said quietly.
“Why?”
“I-I don’t know.”
“I know why,” I told her, “because you don’t know your own worth. Some advice?” I stood up and gathered my hoodie, throwing it over my shoulders. “Discover why you’re important, then refuse to settle for anyone who doesn’t completely agree.”
I walked out of the busy bar, sucking in cool New York air and wishing to everything that I was going home to January because January was my home. I texted Jason, letting him know I bailed and I’d see him around, that I was heading to L.A. the next day.
I was running away, for real this time.
Six weeks later...
Thomas
L.A. was a fucking mess. I found a dozen bands worth signing and sent them Jason’s way, but I was so miserable, I barely remembered any of them. I was mechanical, even more than Austin Tom. Austin Tom was downright cheery compared to Los Angeles Tom.
In Austin, I was pissed off. Los Angeles, I was practically suicidal, depressed as hell and nearly crying into my damn pillow every single night like a damn girl. I was miserable. Every corner I turned, I thought I saw January. Every time I bought a coffee, went jogging, grocery shopping, I could smell her, hear her, feel her. She seemed to be everywhere I wanted her to be but not tangible enough to touch or kiss her. She was seared into my brain.
A month and a half into my stay, I knew I needed to see her. I just needed to drink her in, to soothe the ragged edges of my soul and just memorize her one more time. I’d do it every month if I had to. Eventually weaning myself free in a few weeks, months, okay, years.
I needed a plan.<
br />
And that plan came in the form of a phone call from Jason.
“Dude, we need you in New York,” he told me over a broken line.
“What? Why?”
“Let’s just say, the shiteth hath hitteth the fan.”
“Shut the eff up. What’s going on?”
“Just get your ass here. I’ll tell you all about it on Monday.”
I wasn’t going to fight it. A free ticket to New York? And I’d self-diagnosed myself dehydrated of January MacLochlainn. Time for your meds, Tom.
Take two Januarys a day and call me in the morning.
New York
“Thank God!” Jason said to me as I exited my cab.
I’d called a few minutes before and told him I was coming. He’d told me he’d meet me street level. This meant news to Jason. I found him smoking a cigarette. He put it out with his shoe by the time I’d closed the cab door.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on now?”
“No,” he said succinctly. “Come with me.”
“Jeez, I’m pretty effing tired of these cryptic messages from you. Last time this happened, I got stuck doing something I didn’t want to do.”
“Oh, come now. Last time I checked, you found your soul mate in that little incident. Don’t knock unanswered prayers, brotha!”
“Yeah, look how happy I am now.”
“Just shut up. I’m about to make your fucking day.”
We rode the rest of the elevator ride in silence. The doors opened to the executive floor and I felt an incredible sense of deja’ vu as we made our way to Peter Weathervane’s office. Jason knocked.
“Come in!” I heard Peter yell.
I don’t know what I expected when I entered Peter’s office. Maybe Jonah drumming his fingers like the evil freak he was? It sure as hell wasn’t Peter’s latest wife sitting on his lap.
“Shit! Sorry,” I began. Wait, he invited you in.
“No worries. She was just leaving.”
His wife pretended to pout and he handed over a credit card, making me want to gag. January would never do that kind of shit. She strutted out of his office, her short skirt barely covering her ass. She smiled at me seductively as she left. Well, that was disgusting.
“Tom!” Peter said, finishing off his drink and standing. He tucked in his disheveled shirt and I almost lost my lunch. No telling what they were doing before we walked in. “I, uh, I’m not good at apologies.” He looked thoughtful a moment. “Matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve ever apologized to anyone before. Huh. Anyway, listen, Jonah’s gone. You’re the new R&D rep. Congrats.”
He sat down and picked up the phone. He was done with us.
Jason ushered us out of the room and closed the door behind us.
“What the hell just happened there?” I asked Jason.
“Congrats, Tom.”
“Thanks? I’m confused.”
“Jonah’s gone. Turns out you were the right man for the job all along. I’d told Peter that a million times but he’s such a stickler for his own stupid rules...Anyway, congrats.”
“I’m wiggin’ out here, Jason.”
“Stop questioning it. Just roll with it, dude.”
I thought about it for a moment. “Fine. I mean, this is fantastic news. Everyone will love that I’m here to stay.”
“Speaking of everyone,” he said. “Come with me.”
We took the elevator down two floors down and I absently remarked that Peter never did apologize, though for what, I didn’t know. Jason thought that hilarious.
“Follow me,” Jason coolly said, walking past the floor receptionist and waving.
I gazed at all the office doors on that floor and noted they were all a serious frosted glass and ten feet high. “What exactly is my new salary?” I asked Jason, staring at the names on the plates beside each door.
We stopped at the last one on the floor and it read Thomas Eriksson. I almost burst out laughing.
“I had Suzanne rush that for you.”
“Who the hell is Suzanne?”
“Your secretary. It’s six figures.”
“Huh?” I asked, inspecting my nameplate.
“Your salary? It’s six figures.”
“Shut the eff up,” I told him as he swung the door to my office open.
“Surprise!” I heard in chorus.
Inside my barren office was my entire family. My mom, dad, sister, Cherry and Charlie, Callum and Harper, and all the rest of the gang, including Kelly and Carter. My eyes began to sting with how happy I was to see them all in one place and I shook it away, clearing my throat. Harper was closest and threw her arms over my neck.
“Tom, congratulations!” She told me, tears streaming down her face.
“Thank you,” I choked back. “Thank you, everyone.”
I noticed my mom in the corner and pushed my way to her. “Mom,” I said, hugging her tightly.
I felt like a little kid. I needed my mom so badly in that moment. I needed her to tell me it was all going to be okay.
“Congratulations, my darling boy,” she said, and I could feel her tears fall on my shoulder.
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too.”
“Dad,” I said, moving to him and hugging him fiercely. “It’s so good to see you.”
“Congrats, son.”
I looked around and swallowed the faces surrounding me. The love and admiration from each of them was so incredibly humbling. Everyone I loved was in that room. Every single one save for the one I loved the most.
Knock. Knock.
We all froze where we stood, unsure what to do.
“Answer it, you dolt!” Cherry playfully jeered, making everyone laugh.
I opened the door and was stunned silent.
“Uh, hi,” January MacLochlainn told me.
She was just as stunning as I’d memorized her to be, if not more so. She’d trimmed her hair since last I saw her and her skin was a bit less tan. She wasn’t any better put together or anything but she obviously wasn’t being forced to improvise on the road. She had access to a permanent wardrobe.
She was unbelievably beautiful. I’d wondered what she’d been doing since I last saw her. I wanted to throw her into my arms and kiss her senseless but I didn’t. I couldn’t. She wasn’t mine to throw.
“Hi,” I stupidly replied after too long a silence. Things were awkward.
“I-I just wanted to stop by and congratulate you. Everyone’s really excited to have you back,” she said, then cleared her throat. “Anyway, I see you’re busy,” she said, popping her head in the room and smiling at everyone. “I won’t bother you anymore. It was nice to see you again.” She waved to everyone in the room then left.
I closed the door behind her, dumbstruck. No, struck mute, like a complete idiot. She’d left me tongue-tied. I knew if I had opened my mouth I would have just spouted nonsense or worse, proclaim that I loved her again but at the top of my lungs and in front of my entire family.
I turned toward that family and caught a sea of shocked faces with mouths agape.
I swallowed as I took them all in. “What?” I asked, breaking the silence.
“Was that her?” Cherry asked quietly.
“Yeah, that was January.”
All the girls yelped at once, startling me.
“What!” I yelled.
“Go after her!” Harper commanded. “Right now!”
“What?”
“Are you nuts? That’s the January you couldn’t shut up about?” My dad interjected, the complete surprise etched all over his aging face.
“Yeah,” I sang, more nervous than I’d ever been.
Callum slapped me on the shoulder. “If you don’t go after that girl, Tom, I believe these women may skin you alive.”
“What do I do?” I asked them, desperation seeping into my voice.
/> “Do you know how you got this job?” Jason asked evenly, interrupting the already conspiring females. He stared absently out the window before turning toward me.
Everyone grew quiet.
“No,” I said truthfully.
“Can you not guess?”
“I have no clue.” I was being honest. I had no idea. I figured Jonah had quit or thrown himself off a bridge. I didn’t care. What?
“January.”
“January got me the job?” I asked, baffled as ever.
“Yes, January put her own reputation on the line to save your sorry ass.”
“How?” I swallowed audibly.
“She went to Peter Weathervane, without permission, by the way.” We both knew that showing up unannounced at Peter’s door is basically a death wish. I nodded. “Turns out, January found she was somewhat responsible for Jonah thieving all your bands.”
“She’d never do that,” I said, defending her.
“No, not directly,” Jason continued, fishing his cigarette and lighter out of his pocket, as if he could smoke it in there. He was nervous just talking about the risk January took. I breathed deeply. “Apparently, when she would phone home, she’d let them know where she was going and I guess Jonah found this out somehow. He’d ring her home soon after claiming to represent the label and conned her little sister into spilling your locations.
“She felt awful about it, I guess, and risked her own job to let Peter know the truth. When Peter confronted Jonah with the phone records, he couldn’t deny it and was fired on the spot.”
“Oh my God, she could have been fired as well.”
“I know,” Jason said.
“Why?” my mom asked.