While Kiera looked like she was struggling to not cry, I ran a hand down her hair. “It’s okay, Kiera. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Kellan, I’m so sorry…”
I put a finger on her lips to stop her from saying what I didn’t want to hear right now. “Not today.” Smiling, I pulled her in for a kiss. “Not today…okay?”
Kiera nodded, and we both put that painful conversation aside. There would be time for that later. Right here, right now, my arms around Kiera were all that mattered.
Breaking apart from my lips, Kiera said, “Do you think…? If we had never, that first time…would the three of us just be close friends?”
Interpreting what she meant, I smiled. “If you and I had never gotten drunk and had sex, would we all be living happily ever after right now?” She nodded while I considered that. Remembering how I felt about her back then, and how she had looked at me, I knew the answer almost immediately. “No…you and I were always more than just friends. One way or another, we would have ended up right here anyway.”
Kiera nodded, then looked down to my chest. I stroked her arm and wondered what she was thinking. “Do you regret it?” I finally asked her. Was she wishing we had somehow never come to pass? That was a painful thought, but I suppose I could understand why she would have it.
She looked up at me. “I regret being horrible to Denny.” I nodded and looked away. I could understand that too. I felt the same. Kiera placed a hand on my cheek and made me look at her. “I don’t regret a single second that I spent with you. No time spent with you is wasted.”
Hearing her repeat my line made me smile. So did her answer. She didn’t regret me, just the circumstances surrounding me, surrounding us. I regretted those too, regretted who we were hurting in our path to each other, but I’d never regret her. She was everything to me.
I pulled her lips to mine, then rolled her over so her back was flush to my mattress. We had time before Denny was due home, and as long as she was mine, I was going to enjoy her.
After spending all day in bed with Kiera, it was difficult to leave her. Well, okay, it would have been difficult to leave her regardless, but our amazing afternoon together made it even harder. I wanted to freeze time so nothing between us would change. She had tears in her eyes when I said goodbye. I kissed her eyelids, assuring her that I’d see her at Pete’s. It was Friday after all, and I had a show to do. Life trudged on, whether we wanted it to or not.
When I got to Evan’s for rehearsal, everybody was already there. Matt looked over at me as I walked through the door. “Hey, Kell. Ready to rock?”
I nodded. We didn’t always practice on the nights we played at Pete’s, but I’d asked for a rehearsal tonight. “Let’s run through the new song again.”
Griffin slugged Evan in the shoulder. “This is ’cause of you, isn’t it? Some chick break your heart again?” He shook his head in disgust. “Freaking pansy. You won’t ever catch me mooning over some girl. Plenty of fish, bro. Plenty of fish.”
Evan gave him an amused smile, then raised an eyebrow at me. Like he’d predicted, the guys thought he was the reason behind the song. That worked for me.
While we played the song again, I thought about being wrapped in Kiera’s arms today. It was a perfect moment, and one I was afraid wouldn’t ever happen again. It was hard to imagine never again feeling that connection. It was also hard to imagine sharing her with Denny. The thought of her being intimate like that with him…it made me want to throw up. I pushed that dilemma from my mind. I didn’t want to deal with it yet.
After a quick rehearsal, we made our way to Pete’s. Denny’s Honda was in the parking lot. I was surprised to see it there, and I considered turning around and leaving. I couldn’t though; I had a job to do. Even though it was sooner than I would have liked, I knew I needed to eventually face him. We did live together, after all. I guess tonight was as good a night as any.
He greeted me at the door with a genuine smile; like Kiera, he hadn’t seen me much this week. “Hey, mate. You’ve been a ghost lately. Everything all right?”
I folded one arm around him in a brief hug. My chest was pounding with anxiety, my gut was churning with guilt, but I kept my expression warm and friendly. I could keep my feelings hidden when I needed to. “Yeah…just work stuff. It’s been a little crazy.” I have been such a bastard to you…
“Crazy is good,” Denny said as he started walking toward the band’s table. Heart in my throat, I followed him. “Anything in particular you’re working on?” he asked.
Loving your girlfriend.
I couldn’t tell if he was making small talk, or if he was curious for a different reason. Choosing to believe he was clueless about Kiera and me, I smiled and said, “Matt’s trying to get us lined up for a festival next year. And, on top of that, he wants to soundproof Evan’s loft so we can record a demo. It’s quite a process.”
Denny’s eyes widened, and I was a little proud of my misdirect. The best lies are based in truth. Then I remembered who I was lying to, and a knot of disgust roiled in my belly. I was such an asshole. “Yeah, I can imagine,” Denny said. “Sounds like you guys are on the right track. It won’t be long till you hit it big.”
I had to smirk at the notion of the D-Bags being “big” one day. Seemed like an amazing but improbable future to me, but it was just like Denny to believe we’d go far. He’d always supported and encouraged me. I wouldn’t even be in a band today if it weren’t for his interference, a fact that wasn’t lost on me. It amplified the sick feeling in my stomach.
A loud noise across the bar stole Denny’s attention, and I risked a peek at Kiera. She was staring my way, looking sad and full of longing, like she was forcing herself to stay put when all she really wanted to do was jump into my arms. I felt the same way. I’d been hoping for a little alone time at the bar with her, as much alone time as we got at Pete’s at any rate, but it was clear Denny wasn’t going anywhere. Kiera and I would both have to deal with this awkwardness.
When we were seated at the table, Denny gave me a calculating expression. It made my muscles tighten with tension. “What?” I asked, keeping my expression even.
“I know this isn’t any of my business, but…” He paused, and I could see the debate in his eyes. “Kiera’s sister…”
Sighing, I looked at the table. Oh good…he wants to talk about the fake story Kiera cooked up. That, I can handle. “Yeah…you know about that?”
Denny nodded. “Kiera told me that was why she hit you, which wasn’t cool on her part, but…neither was what you did, mate.” I looked up and made eye contact with him. I stayed silent, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. When he saw that I wasn’t going to be a dick, he added, “Kiera said you hurt Anna’s feelings when you never called her. If you didn’t want a relationship, you should have been honest with her from the beginning.”
I bit back a dark smile. Honest with her from the beginning? Yeah, that was a lesson I’d learned the hard way. Maintaining eye contact, I gave him a somber nod. He clapped my shoulder. “I don’t mean to scold you, it’s your life, but try to keep people’s feelings in mind, okay?” He lifted an eyebrow. “Trust me. I almost lost everything because I didn’t do that.”
He glanced over at Kiera and I forced myself to not turn and look at her. I felt like he’d just stuck a sword in my gut, then twisted it in a circle about five times. He almost lost everything…Had he? Only time would tell.
Since Denny was still clueless, I left the goodbye song out of the lineup. That was a last resort song—the end of the road—and Kiera and I weren’t there yet. We still had time, although I was feeling that time slip between my fingers with every passing second. I cast Kiera longing glances all throughout my set. I couldn’t help myself. Denny didn’t notice though. He was too busy watching Kiera with concerned eyes, like he knew something was wrong, he just didn’t know what it was.
Denny stayed until Kiera’s shift was over. I debated heading home while they were still her
e. If I followed after them, I would have to endure watching them walk into their bedroom together, and that would tear me up. While I gathered myself to leave, Jenny approached me.
“Kellan…what are you doing?” she whispered. Her gaze flicked to Kiera, and I knew she wasn’t talking about this exact second.
I sighed. “I don’t know. And if I knew how to get out of this without hurting anyone, believe me, Jenny, I would.” I raised my arms. “I honestly don’t know what to do.”
She frowned at my answer. “Then why get involved in the first place? She was happy with him, you shouldn’t have—”
“I didn’t mean to,” I interrupted.
She gave me a stern expression. “Didn’t mean to? He’s one of your best friends, Kellan. That’s an automatic stop sign, regardless of the circumstances. I know you don’t usually care about stuff like that, but…you should have known better.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Denny and Kiera leaving the bar. So much for beating them home. Not having any excuse worth giving, I merely said, “I know. But I’m an asshole, and I did it anyway, so…now what do I do?”
Jenny shook her head. “Now you tell him.”
My gut clenched at the thought of confronting him. How could I hurt him like that? He’d never look at me the same. I’m here for you, Kellan. I’ll always be here for you.
I took my time going home. I drove five miles under the speed limit. I made wrong turns that took me all over town, all in the hopes that Denny and Kiera would be sound asleep when I stepped through my door. I gave new meaning to the word “avoidance.”
Everything was quiet when I eventually made it home. Tiptoeing upstairs, I got ready for bed. How could we keep doing this while we all lived together? Easy…we couldn’t. The friction, tension, and jealousy would tear us apart. It had already strained us. Lying under my covers, I stared at the ceiling and waited for sleep to come. It didn’t…but something else did.
My bedroom door creaked open. Sitting up on my elbows, I watched Kiera slip through the crack, then shut the door behind her. What the hell was she doing here? She was resplendent in her clingy tank top and loose pajama bottoms. She seemed to glow in the silver moonlight, and her eyes were bright, with no trace of sleep in them. She’d waited up for me. Why?
Before I could question her, she slipped into my bed, wrapped her legs around mine and her arms around my neck. Her sudden weight on top of me knocked me back down to the pillows. She was with me again. “Am I dreaming?” I whispered as her lips closed the distance to mine. If I am, please don’t let me wake up.
As our lips moved together, I ran my hands up her back, tangled my fingers in her hair. “I missed you,” I murmured, deepening our kiss.
“I missed you too…so much.”
Her words warmed and chilled me. It felt so right to be in her arms, and so wrong. Our breaths quickly became heavy with lust, love, and desire. I was hard, aching, and I wanted her so much I almost couldn’t take it. I needed more. Reading my thoughts, Kiera paused in kissing me and ripped off her tank top. A surge ran through my groin, and I struggled with controlling myself. Running my hand across her luscious breasts, I murmured, “What are you doing, Kiera?”
She pressed her chest to mine and kissed my neck in answer. Hating what I was about to say, I tried pouring reasoning-ice on the situation. “Kiera, Denny is right—”
It didn’t work. She cut me off with swift, heartfelt words that were stronger than all the logic in the world. “I love you, and I missed you. Make love to me.”
She pulled off the rest of her clothes. Yes…“Kiera…”
Her hands ran up and down my body, igniting me. She felt so good…Her fingers began pulling on my boxers, wanting the last barrier between us gone. Yes…
“I love you…Make love to me,” she whispered in my ear.
Wishing I could let go of the guilt, I glanced at my door, then back to her face. “Are you sur—”
“I’m sure,” she immediately answered, her lips attacking mine.
Against my will, Denny’s face entered my mind. I’m always here for you. Then I saw his expression shift into one of horror, disgust…betrayal. What have you done? I pulled away from Kiera’s intense kiss. “Wait…I can’t.” My breath was a fast pant, but it was my torn heart that was killing me. I couldn’t betray him when he was just a few yards away, not that the distance of my backstabbing really mattered.
Kiera, adorable as ever, took my objection literally. “Oh…well, I can…” She wrapped her hand around my cock, and I just about came at her touch. What the hell was fate trying to do to me?
“Ah, you’re killing me, Kiera.” Pulling her hand away, I let out an amused laugh. At least her little stunt had replaced some of my guilt with humor. My chest felt a little looser when I clarified my comment. “That’s not what I meant. I can…obviously, but I don’t think we should.”
Her expression both confused and hurt, she said, “But, this afternoon? That was…Didn’t you…? I…Don’t you want me?”
Shocked that she’d take my rejection personally when it was so obvious I wanted her, I immediately responded with “Of course, of course I do.” I looked down at my body, which was hard as a rock in all the right spots, then back up at her. “You should know that.” Her reciprocating smile was beautifully shy. Wanting her to know what it had meant to me, I told her, “This afternoon was the most…I’ve never had anything like that. I didn’t even know it could be like that, which, for me, is saying a lot.” I gave her a sheepish grin, and she smiled wider in return.
“Don’t you want that again?” she asked, stroking my cheek.
My words echoed what was running through my mind and my heart. “More than anything.” On this one point, all of me agreed.
“Then take me,” she murmured, kissing me again.
I groaned as her body pressed against me. Yes…but we shouldn’t do this. “God, Kiera. Why do you make everything so…?” Wonderful. Painful.
Kiera’s answer was more playful than mine. “Hard?” she whispered before averting her eyes. I had to laugh at how like me she was becoming. Her face more serious, she returned her eyes to mine. “I love you, Kellan. I feel like time is slipping away from us. I don’t want to miss a minute.”
That was exactly how I’d been feeling. This could be our last time together, right now, and what would I regret more? Betraying Denny, yet again, or…missing out on making love to her one last time? Put in those terms, the answer was easy. I didn’t want to miss a minute with her either. I didn’t want to regret any moment with her that I’d wasted. She was mine, and as long as she was mine, I wanted to enjoy her. Because in the morning, this could all be over with.
I sighed in defeat, and she smiled in victory. “For the record, this is a really bad idea…” With a soft kiss, I rolled her to her back. “You will be the death of me,” I whispered as she finally removed my shorts.
Our bodies slid together when I was free of my clothing. We clutched at each other’s skin, quietly screaming our passion in fierce squeezes that I was sure were going to leave bruises. Soundlessly, I pushed my way inside her. It was so deliberately controlled that I almost couldn’t breathe. Then we were one, and I had to clamp my mouth over hers to remain quiet. She felt…incredible.
Neither one of us wanted to make noise, so our movements were slow, restrained strokes that amplified every sensation. If I could, I would have cried out her name and begged for more. I would have plunged into her harder and faster, driving us both over the edge instead of teasingly skirting around it. All I could do was clamp her hand tight in mine and lose myself to the overwhelming sensations rippling through my body. The pleasure was indescribable torture.
It went on for an eternity; I was shaking with the need to release. Even though I was maintaining the slowness, I finally felt the build approaching. Kiera’s was approaching too. She started moaning. It was too loud, and I clamped my hand over her mouth. She dropped her head back, tightened her legs aroun
d mine, and sank her nails into my shoulders. I could feel her walls clenching around me, and I hit the wall too. I clamped my mouth onto her shoulder as waves and waves of pleasure overtook me. It was so intense…more so, because of our restraint. I never wanted it to stop.
When it inevitably did, Kiera and I stayed close together, side by side. No words passed between us, just soft kisses and gentle strokes. I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep with her in my arms this way, but I knew that couldn’t happen. The tick of time was loud in my mind.
“You should go back to your room,” I whispered.
“No,” she said, unflinchingly.
I was heartened by her refusal to leave, but guilt was bearing down on me. We couldn’t be caught like this. I couldn’t do that to Denny. “It’s nearly morning, Kiera.”
She glanced at my clock, startled when she realized the time, then clutched me tighter. Her stubbornness made me smile, but it was time for her to go. I kissed her head. “Wait in bed an hour, then come downstairs and have coffee with me, like we always used to.”
I gave her another soft kiss, then pushed her away. I’d rather be pulling her close, but she needed to go. Denny couldn’t see this. It would kill him. Her clothes were at the end of my bed, almost on the verge of falling off. I handed them to her and she pouted. Shaking my head, I started dressing her. Stubborn woman. When she was dressed, I sat her up, then helped her stand. “Kiera…You have to go…before it’s too late. We got lucky—don’t push it.”
I kissed her nose while she gave me a reluctant sigh. “Okay, fine. I’ll see you in an hour then.”
Her eyes scanned my naked body and she sighed again, wistfully this time. Then a strange expression crossed her face as she began to leave. It was a mixture of sadness, confusion, and self-loathing. She knew what we’d done wasn’t right, and she felt just as bad about it as I did. We were on this slippery slope together, trying to keep each other upright, or, more truthfully, dragging each other down.