I let my mind wander as we turned onto the trail, immediately going up a hill that had me sucking wind. Neesy was so fast.
My face slid in and out of the dappled sunlight filtering through the trees, and the strobe effect calmed me, relaxed me. I remembered running over the same stretch of trail with Kaleb last fall, both of us wearing caps and gloves with our shorts and T-shirts. Kaleb’s cheeks had looked mottled and his nose had been bright red with cold. His eyes were watering from the wind, the tears streaming back toward his ears.
We’d passed a couple of walkers, a gray-haired man and a woman with a cane. They were bundled up, shuffling slowly along, holding hands. They looked content, like being together was all they’d planned to accomplish that day. We automatically shifted so that Kaleb was behind me to share the trail with them, and then veered back together after we’d passed them.
We ran in silence for so long, both lost in our thoughts, I was surprised when he spoke, between measured breaths.
“So you think… we’ll be like that?”
I glanced at him. “Like what?”
He motioned with his gloved thumb over his shoulder. “Like them… the old people.”
“Be like them how?… You mean old?”
“No.” He stopped, bent over, and put his hands on his knees, puffs of breath crowding around his face. It took me a few strides to realize we were stopping. I went back to him. He stood up and grabbed my hands. “I mean, will we be walking this trail together when we’re old? Will we be holding hands? In love like they are?”
I smiled, and it felt like all the blood in my body rushed straight to the center of my chest. Warmth flooded me, and I didn’t care about the wind and the cold. I held tight to his hands. “I hope so,” I said, and he pulled me in by the waist, halfway lifting me up so that I was barely resting on my toes and he was kissing me, deep and with feeling, our mouths hot against the cold wind around us.
We stayed that way until the footsteps of another group of runners pounded up on us: guys from the team. “Yo, Kale, get some!” one of them yelled as they stampeded past. Kaleb grinned and rested his forehead on mine as we waited for them to disappear from sight.
“I hope so, too,” he said. “Come on, you’re shivering, we should get moving.”
And we started running again, but what he didn’t know was that my shivering had nothing to do with the cold; it was the excitement of being with him, and I couldn’t shake it, not even after we’d finished the course and I was standing under a shower so hot and steamy it made my flesh red.
I used to love that memory. I used to cherish it like it was precious. Now I hated it, because remembering it—running on this section of “our trail”—reminded me how much I’d been in love with him. And I was trying so desperately to forget that.
By the time we finished the trail, I was several feet behind Neesy and the others. Coach Igo stood at the fence surrounding the track, shading her eyes with a clipboard, which she brought down and wrote on as we approached. I tried not to look as exhausted as I was, but it was impossible. My lungs ached. My legs ached. My heart ached.
We filed in through the gate and walked around the track to steady our breath. Adrian, Philippa, and Neesy walked shoulder to shoulder, whispering their gossip, leaving me a few steps behind them, as if they’d never noticed I’d been running with them. I didn’t care what they had to talk about, not really. But it only made me miss Kaleb more. I would normally have been walking around the track with him.
All the groups were getting back from their runs now. A lot of kids were already taking off their running shoes and sliding their feet into flip-flops, downing Gatorade, goofing off on the bleachers, while Coach Igo stood by the fence writing things on that clipboard and shaking her head disgustedly.
I heard footsteps and moved over to let some of the guys from the boys’ team pass.
“Hey, Ashleigh,” one of them said when they got next to me. It was Silas, from Kaleb’s baseball team. They laughed as they passed.
“Hey, Silas.” I pulled the elastic out of my hair, letting it fall to my shoulders in wet, sweaty clumps.
The boy walking next to him—I think he was a sophomore named Kent, but I wasn’t sure—snickered into his balled-up fists. Silas got a grin to match his, like he was holding in a great big joke.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing,” Silas said, and this time he couldn’t hold it in. He punched Kent in the shoulder and both of them doubled over in laughter. “I didn’t recognize you at first.”
“Ooo-kay,” I said slowly. “Whatever.”
They kept walking, passing Neesy and the other girls, knocking into each other and cracking up every few steps. Idiots. Probably thinking it was so funny that Kaleb broke up with me.
But when I rounded the last corner of the track, I noticed that other guys were looking at me and laughing, too. And so were a couple of girls. I swiped the back of my shorts with my hands, wondering if there was something on them. I ran my hands over my hair, discreetly wiped my nose with my index finger, looked down at myself for a quick once-over. Nothing seemed out of place.
God only knew what Kaleb had told them.
I decided I didn’t care what Kaleb had told them. I was going to have to block out all thoughts of Kaleb if I was going to get over him. I finished my cool-down, half-listened to Coach rag us out for being slow, and then headed into the locker room without even giving Silas and his idiot friends another thought.
I showered, dressed, and headed to the field house, where the volleyball team was running suicides, to catch a ride with Vonnie. The coach blew the whistle and, with moans, the girls fell to a stop.
“See you tomorrow night,” the coach hollered as some of the team flopped onto the bleachers, others lay down right on the floor, and others, including Vonnie, stormed off toward the doors. “On time, next time!”
Vonnie’s hair was falling out of her braid, totally un-Vonnie-like, and her face and chest were glistening with sweat. Her mood seemed positively foul.
“Come on,” she said, blowing right past me without slowing down. “Let’s get out of this shithole.”
She picked up her gym bag and headed for the door.
“I’ll wait in the hall while you shower.”
“Screw that, I’ll shower at home,” she growled.
I had a hard time keeping up with her as we went for the car. The whole time, Vonnie railed on about the coach. “She’s such a bitch, making us all run because Olivia was late. And it’s not like Olivia was fooling around or anything. She was taking a freaking makeup test. It’s not right. You should have your dad go all apeshit on her. Fire her fat ass.”
“I don’t think he’s going to do that. Besides, you’re not the only one. Coach Igo is mad at me, too,” I said. “I was late, so she made me run with the seniors. I thought I was going to die out there on the trail and nobody would know.”
“They’re both ass-hats. They should form a club.”
Vonnie unlocked her car and got in. I piled into the passenger seat, gathering my things into my lap again. “Where are Cheyenne and Annie?”
“They went home with Annie’s brother. Didn’t come to practice. Smart bitches.”
“She’ll make them pay for that.”
Vonnie snorted. “Yeah, she probably will. Knowing her, she’ll make all of us pay for it.” She started the car and backed out of the parking space. “Wanna come over? I think Rachel’s gonna stop by later.”
“Nah,” I said. “Not today. I’m kinda bummed.”
“Come on, Ashleigh, you have to get over him eventually.”
“It’s been two days.”
“Not really,” she said. “You spent a whole summer with lawn chair butt watching him play his stupid baseball games. You said so yourself. You should be glad to get rid of him.”
“You know, it wasn’t that long ago you were telling me to send him a picture of myself so he’d remember me while he was at college.”
> “Um, yeah, I was wasted when I said that.”
“Well, I still did it.”
“You shouldn’t have,” she snapped.
We drove in silence, Vonnie navigating the streets toward my house a little faster than usual. I sat next to her and seethed, thinking she wasn’t driving fast enough.
Finally, she pulled into my driveway and sighed. “I’m sorry, I’m pissed off from practice. I just meant… you shouldn’t have taken it, because you’re hurt now. And I hate to see you hurt, that’s all.”
“No big deal,” I said, even though on the inside it was still feeling a little like a big deal. I needed Vonnie to be there for me. To understand how I was hurting inside, whether it was my own fault or not, and make me feel better. And not by “vigilante justice” and insisting that I just get over him, either.
Mom was curled up in the recliner, hunkered over a paperback, her glasses sliding down her nose.
“Hey,” she said when I walked in. “You’re home late. How was practice?”
I shrugged.
“Uh-oh, what does that mean?”
I went into the kitchen and got a bottle of water out of the refrigerator, hearing the thunk of the recliner footrest closing. Mom came into the kitchen behind me, taking off her glasses. “Hey,” she said. “Are you fine?”
I shrugged again. “I don’t know. I guess.”
Mom’s forehead wrinkled. I hadn’t said my line—“Frog fur!” or even “Dandy needs a tune-up!”—but I wasn’t in the mood to play cute games. She sat at the table and pushed a chair out for me with her foot. “Tell.”
I took a long drink of water and slid into the chair next to her. “Vonnie and I kind of had a fight. It’s no big deal.”
“Oh, you’ll make up. You two always do.” She bent her head, trying to look into my face. “But there’s something else?”
“It’s nothing. I’m kind of sick of cross-country. I’m not very good. I’m always having to push myself way harder than everyone else just to keep up.”
“It’s good to push yourself harder.”
“Not if your lungs are about to catch fire. Plus… I don’t know… it’s not as fun anymore.”
She laid her glasses on the table. “Oh, Ashleigh. This is about Kaleb, isn’t it? You miss him. I’m sure he’ll come see you run.”
I glanced up at her, took another drink. “I wouldn’t count on that.”
“Well, of course you can count on that. He adores you.”
“Not since we broke up, Mom. He hates me now.”
She looked stricken. I felt even more horrible than before, seeing how much it shocked and hurt her to know Kaleb was gone from my life, and that I hadn’t told her right away. “What happened?” she asked. “You two have been together a long time.”
I thought about it. I thought about Holly. My accusations. Our fights. About the photo that started it all. I willed myself not to show it on my face. How could I tell her what had happened? This was totally private, totally not Mom territory. I shrugged again. “It was too hard with him being so far away.”
Mom leaned over and wrapped me in a one-armed hug. Her hair pressed up into my nose and I inhaled deeply. It smelled like coconut shampoo and perfume. I had no idea what scent it was that she wore, but it always gave me a safe feeling, a happy feeling, a feeling of comfort.
“Oh, honey, I’m sorry. I know it hurts to break up with a boy you really like.”
I closed my eyes, tears threatening all over again. I envisioned my last text from Kaleb, the one where he vowed to pay me back for Vonnie’s prank, to try to stave the tears off. “Thanks, Mom, but I’ll be okay.” I pulled away and picked up my water bottle. “I should do my homework before dinner.”
She nodded, gave me a pitying smile, and brushed my hair out of my face. “Give cross-country a chance,” she said. “It’s probably just that you’re missing him. I’d hate to see you quit something you love simply because you’re heartbroken right now.”
“I know, Mom. You’re right,” I said, and headed up to my room.
By the time Dad got home, I’d watched a movie on my computer and hadn’t even bothered to pick up my backpack or do the homework inside it. I kept going back to that day on the trail with Kaleb, and then staring at the text he’d sent me: PYBKS R HELL. I got angry every time I looked at it. I’d never been anything but devoted to him. He’d broken up with me, not the other way around. I deserved more of a chance than this. He should have believed me when I said I didn’t do it. He shouldn’t even have had to ask.
Finally, I went down to dinner, where once again Dad was complaining behind the newspaper.
“It’s aliiive,” he said in a frightened voice when I walked in.
I smiled and gave him a kiss. “Hi, Dad.”
“Mom said you broke up with Loverboy.” He tipped a corner of the paper down and looked at me over the top. “His loss.”
“Thanks.”
I wished I could believe that was true. It still felt like my loss.
I never spoke a word during dinner. I zoned in and out of Mom and Dad’s conversation, leaving me plenty of time to sit and think.
Kaleb and I were through. But what did he mean by “paybacks are hell”? What was he planning to do? Shaving-cream my window screens? Something worse? Would he use one of his “boys” to get back at me, someone in the school?
I remembered Silas walking past me on the track, laughing with his friend. His words, “I didn’t recognize you at first.” They didn’t make sense. At least to me they didn’t. Would Kaleb use Silas to get back at me?
But how?
And then it dawned on me.
The picture. On the day we broke up, Kaleb had said he’d deleted it, but what if he hadn’t? All of our fights had started because I thought he’d shown it to Nate. Kaleb knew that one way he could get me back would be to… What if it got out?
Oh, no. He wouldn’t.
I no sooner had the thought than my phone buzzed in my pocket. I whipped it out and opened the text.
“I thought we said no cell phones at the dinner table,” Dad said. “It’s rude to have our dinner interrupted by teenage melodrama. And misspelled melodrama, at that!”
He went on, but I stopped hearing him. I stopped hearing anything but the ringing in my ears as I gazed down at the text I’d gotten from Vonnie.
OH SHIT BUTTERCUP BIG TROUBLE.
Attached was a forwarded photo.
A photo of me, full-frontal naked in front of Vonnie’s bathroom mirror. Someone had captioned the photo: SLUT UP FOR GRABS!
Mom was saying something to me. I looked up at her, but it was like looking at a stranger. My brain was so jumbled I couldn’t make sense of where I was or who was talking to me.
“… your phone away until after dinner…”
But the words made no sense. All my brain could take in was slut up for grabs slut up for grabs slut up for grabs.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’ve got to call Vonnie. It’s an emergency.”
I didn’t wait to hear my mom’s response. I laid down my fork and pushed away from the table, racing upstairs, trying not to vomit or to let my trembling hands drop the phone, only one thought going through my mind:
If Vonnie had seen the photo, who else had?
I dialed Vonnie’s number as I rushed toward my bedroom. “Oh my God, that bastard” was the way she answered her phone.
“Where did you get it?” I felt dizzy and wondered if it was possible for a body to forget breathing altogether and drop dead on the spot.
She paused for a minute. “I’m sorry, Buttercup.”
“What? Where did you get it? Did Kaleb send it to you?”
Another pause. Then, “No. Chelsea Graybin sent it to me.”
For a moment, nothing made sense. Chelsea Graybin didn’t even know Kaleb, did she? “Wait. Chelsea Graybin the cheerleader? How did she…?”
“I’m pretty sure someone else sent it to her. Cheyenne and Annie and Rachel all got i
t, too.”
My legs gave out and I fell back on my bed. It was like Vonnie’s words were bouncing off me like hail. I heard them, I felt them, but they didn’t sink in. They couldn’t. Panic rose up in my throat.
“You there?” Vonnie was saying, and I was nodding, staring out into space, the magnitude of what this meant slowly sinking in. “Ash? Hello?”
“Oh my God,” I finally squeaked out. “This was what he meant by payback. He hadn’t sent it before, but now… Oh my God. What am I gonna do, Vonnie?”
“I don’t know. Just let it ride, I guess.”
“Let it ride? I’m naked!”
“But people forget stuff really fast. Look, people will probably talk about it for a couple days but won’t even remember it by next week.”
Talk about it. God, everyone would be talking about it. Images of the track pressed in on me again. Silas and Kent walking by, laughing. I didn’t recognize you at first. Of course, it made sense now. I had clothes on. He almost didn’t recognize me because I had clothes on. He’d already seen it. All the kids over on the bleachers talking, giggling. How many of them had seen it? Had everyone seen it? Had everyone seen me naked? Were they all calling me a slut, making fun of me right in front of me?
The dinner I’d eaten sloshed around in my belly and I lay back on my bed, squeezing my eyes shut to keep from being sick.
“Listen, try not to…” But Vonnie trailed off. Even she didn’t know what to say. I never thought I’d see the day that Vonnie Vance would be struck mute. This was bad. Worse than bad.
“I’ve got to go,” I finally said. “My dad will be freaking out that I haven’t come back down for dinner. He’ll take away my phone.” And for some reason, it seemed really important to me that I keep my phone. Like I didn’t want to miss anything, no matter how bad it was. “Don’t forward it to anyone, okay?”
“I can’t believe you’d even think I would!”
“No, you’re right. I don’t. Will Cheyenne and Annie? Or Rachel?”
“I don’t think so. Why would they? Don’t worry about it, Buttercup. At least you look good in it.”