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For my mom
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thanks to all the usual suspects: Patrick Price, Alyssa Henkin, Kelsey Barnholdt, Krissi Barnholdt, Kevin Cregg, Stephanie Hoover, and everyone at S&S.
And Aaron, for everything, always.
The End
Harper
This is how it ends:
With me crying in a bathroom at the Crowne Plaza Hotel, cursing myself for being so stupid. I knew it was wrong, I knew it wasn’t going to end well, I knew I was putting myself in a situation where I was going to end up brokenhearted.
I reach over and pull some toilet paper out of the dispenser and use it to blow my nose. My feet are killing me because of the stupid high heels I’m wearing. I want to sit down, but there’s nowhere to sit. I’m in a bathroom stall, for God’s sake. The only place to sit down is on the actual toilet, and it doesn’t have a cover. Why don’t the toilets in hotel bathrooms have covers? I’m sure I’m not the first person to end up in here crying her eyes out and looking for some privacy. Aren’t there always scandalous things happening in hotels, things that would cause one to end up crying in the bathroom?
Okay, I tell myself, just calm down. It’s not as bad as you think.
The problem, of course, is that it really is as bad as I think. I’ve never had my heart broken before, and I wasn’t expecting it to feel like this. I wasn’t expecting to feel like I want to die. I wasn’t expecting to be crying so hard my shoulders shake and I can’t breathe.
The door to the bathroom opens, and I hear footsteps crossing the floor. A group of girls laughing as they reapply their lipstick. They’re happy and excited.
Like I should be.
But I’m not.
Instead, here I am.
Crying in a bathroom stall.
This is how it ends.
And I have no one to blame but myself.
I saw it coming.
I just couldn’t stop it.
Penn
Harper isn’t being fair.
I never wanted to break her heart.
She made the decision to break her own.
The Beginning
Harper
This is how it starts:
In world history, with a note, on a random Wednesday afternoon.
Penn Mattingly puts the note on my desk as he’s walking to his seat in the back of the room.
Instantly I’m suspicious.
We’re in high school. High school boys are notorious for leaving weird notes and other paraphernalia around, and usually whatever they’ve left doesn’t say or represent anything nice or appropriate.
“What’s that?” my best friend Anna says. Then she reaches across the aisle and plucks the note off my desk.
“Hey!” I don’t know why, but suddenly I feel very protective of that note. I’m sure it says something totally ridiculous and/or bordering on sexual harassment. One time sophomore year a senior left a note in Anna’s locker that said, I like your tits in that shirt. If I’d gotten a note like that, I would have died. But Anna just smiled and took it as a compliment. And then she started dating that boy, which was kind of an unconventional way for a relationship to start. But whatever.
“What?” Anna asks as she starts to unfold the piece of paper. “We’re best friends. We’re supposed to share everything.”
I reach over and steal it back. “I’ll let you read it,” I say, “but I should get to read it first.”
But I don’t open the paper, at least not right away. Instead I just hold it in my hand. In that second a shiver, almost like a premonition, runs up my spine. I feel like if I read what’s on that piece of paper, I’m going to be starting down a road I can’t turn back from.
“Open it!” Anna stage-whispers.
“Okay, okay.” But still I don’t. I turn around and glance back at Penn. He looks the same as always—shaggy dark hair that’s just a little bit too long and flops over his forehead; broad shoulders; dark eyes. There’s a little bit of stubble on his cheeks and chin, and he’s wearing baggy jeans and a red hoodie.
He’s joking around with Emmett Wilson and acting completely normal. I marvel at how different guys are from girls. How could Penn have left a note on my desk five seconds ago and now be pretending like it never happened? Meanwhile Anna and I are sitting here making a huge deal about it before we’ve even read what it says.
“This is ridiculous,” Anna says, rolling her eyes. She reaches out and grabs the note again.
I grab it back.
And then the bell rings and Mr. Marks walks in, and everyone faces front and gets quiet.
I spread the paper out on my lap.
It has one line on it, scrawled in boy handwriting.
I like your sparkle.
My hand reaches up and instinctively touches my hair, lingering on the piece of tinsel threaded through my ponytail. I didn’t even want to wear the stupid tinsel, but it’s senior spirit week, and Anna insisted we at least do something. So we met in the bathroom this morning and wove strands of tinsel through our hair. Green and blue, our school colors.
I didn’t feel very sparkly at the time, but now, knowing Penn has noticed, my face feels all hot. I turn around and look at him again, but his eyes are on his notebook.
I catch Anna’s eye and give her a disinterested shrug. Even though my heart is beating superfast, I have this weird feeling, like I shouldn’t make a big deal of it to Anna.
So I mouth, “So stupid,” and then pass her the note.
I know it’s silly, but as soon as it’s out of my hands, I want it back.
I’m not the kind of girl who gets notes like this from boys. No one has ever called me sparkly before.
Anna reads it, her eyebrows raised, then shrugs. “Kind of sweet?” she mouths.
She hands the note back to me, and then, suddenly, Mr. Marks turns his attention to us. “Something important, ladies?”
“What do you mean?” Anna asks in this half-snotty, half-fake-innocent voice. Anna’s not scared of teachers. I’m scared of everything. Including, but not limited to: spiders, the dark, flying, and blood.
“I mean that you’re passing notes in my class,” Mr. Marks says. He holds his hand out. “Would you like to share it?”
My face burns.
“We weren’t passing notes,” Anna lies.
Mr. Marks’s eyebrows knit together, and he glares at her. I guess what Anna’s saying isn’t technically a lie. Technically we weren’t passing notes. At least not ones we’d written ourselves. Is Penn going to get in trouble too? I fight the urge to look back at him to see how he’s reacting to this whole thing. I pretty much already know—the type of person to put a note on someone’s desk that says I like your sparkle isn’t the type to get all freaked out if they get in trouble for it.
The classroom phone buzzes on the wall.
Mr. Marks sighs and walks over to it.
“Yes,” he says into the receiver. “Yes, she’s here.” His gaze turns to me, and I sit up straighter in my chair. Mr. Marks hangs up the phone and gives me a glare. “It seems you will be saved from my wrath for the time being, Ms. Fairbanks. You’re wanted in the nurse’s office.”
Crap, crap, crap.
Anna gives me a sympathetic look as I gather up my books and leave the classroom. Once I’m in the hallway, I just stand there, not sure what to
do. The period just started. Which means I’m going to have to wander the halls for the next forty-five minutes and hope I don’t get caught.
Here’s the deal with me and the nurse:
She’s kind of stalking me.
I know that sounds crazy, but it’s completely true. You’d think that someone who’d completed a bunch of medical training wouldn’t have the capacity to be a stalker, but it just goes to show you that you can never tell what’s lurking under the surface of someone’s mind.
Okay, so maybe I’m being a little bit dramatic. The nurse isn’t, like, restraining-order stalking me. It’s just that there’s some ridiculous rule that all seniors need to have a physical before graduation. It’s, like, for some kind of state statistics or something, to make sure everyone’s healthy. Most kids get them at their family doctors, or when they sign up for a sport. But one of my biggest fears is doctors and needles. So I haven’t gone.
Unfortunately, if you don’t show the school proof you’ve had one, they call you down to the nurse’s office when the school doctor is in and try to give you one there. Um, no thank you. I’ve seen the school doctor. He has beefy fingers, and he smells like pepperoni and Swiss cheese. It’s a ridiculous rule anyway. Why should the school get to dictate your, like, health?
I pull Penn’s note back out from where I slipped it into my notebook and read it again.
I like your sparkle.
Was he being nice? Or is it one of those jerky things boys do just because they can? Was he making fun of me? I have no experience when it comes to this kind of thing. It’s the first note I’ve received from a boy since the second grade, when Charles Dawcett put a note on my desk that asked me if I would be his girlfriend. I said yes, but by the time recess rolled around, he’d moved on to Addison Roach.
Whatever, I tell myself. It’s just a stupid note. It means nothing.
But part of me can’t help but wish it was something more.
And it’s at that exact moment that Penn Mattingly appears behind me and tugs on a strand of my hair.
Penn
It was just a stupid note.
I wrote it on a whim, because I’d seen Harper walking into world history with that one friend she’s always with, the one with the spiky hair. And Harper’s tinsel sparkled in the light, and she reached up and smoothed her ponytail down, and something about the way she did it made it seem like she was wearing that tinsel ironically. I don’t know why, but it was like she’d done it as an afterthought, like maybe someone had convinced her to wear it, like she couldn’t even be bothered to wear a blue or green shirt for senior spirit week, so someone had to be like, “Hey, Harper, maybe you should wear this tinsel.”
And that kind of killed me.
All these people walking around in their stupid school spirit shirts, thinking that any of this means anything, and there she was wearing this tinsel in this completely ironic way.
So I ripped out a piece of paper from my notebook and wrote that I liked her sparkle. It was just a stupid note I dropped onto her desk. It wasn’t supposed to mean anything.
But then I noticed she was looking back at me, and I kind of got a little bit nervous that maybe she thought it meant something more than it really did, so I pretended to be talking to the kid next to me.
And then I watched Mr. Marks catch her with the note, and I saw her fidget and get all uncomfortable, and in that moment, for some reason, I wanted him to read the note. Out loud. To the class. I hadn’t signed my name, so no one would have known it was from me.
That’s fucked up, I know. But I wanted Harper to be embarrassed. Actually, no, that’s not completely true. I didn’t want her embarrassed, per se. I just wanted to have an effect on her. I liked that I was having an effect on her.
So when she got called down to the nurse’s office, I immediately jumped up and asked for the bathroom pass.
I thought I’d have to go running around looking for her, but she was just standing there in the hallway, looking down at something. When I got closer, I saw she was reading my note.
A feeling of trepidation came over me. Why was she reading my note again? Maybe she was a stalker. I sized her up. Long dark hair, average height, wearing jeans and a pink tank top with a sheer white shirt over it.
She didn’t look like a stalker. And besides, I was the one who’d put a note on her desk. If anything, I was the one who could be considered a stalker.
But still.
You can never tell. What do stalkers really look like? You’d expect them to be girls who aren’t all that cute, girls who are desperate for male attention. But from my experience—and honestly, not to sound like an asshole, but I have kind of a lot of it—the ones you need to worry about are the ones who are good-looking. It’s like they’re so used to getting what they want, they can’t take no for an answer.
Is Harper good-looking? I wasn’t sure yet.
“Whatcha doin’?” I ask, and lightly pull on a strand of her hair.
She turns around, startled, and drops the note I gave her.
We both bend down to pick it up, and then we both stop when we see what the other one is doing, and so we end up just kind of crouched down over the floor together. I stay like that for a moment longer than necessary, because I can tell she’s flustered. I know it’s fucked up, but like I said, I like that I’m having an effect on her. Finally she grabs the note and we both stand up.
“Um, I’m not doing anything.” She smoothes her ponytail, and her tinsel shimmers. “What are you doing?”
I shrug. “Why do you have to go to the nurse?” I ask. “Are you sick?” She doesn’t look sick.
“I’m not going to the nurse.” A look of panic crosses her face.
“But you just got called down.”
“So?”
“So then why aren’t you going?” It’s almost funny, me asking someone why they’re not doing something. I never do anything I’m supposed to.
She shrugs and shifts her weight from foot to foot. “I don’t know.”
“Liar.”
“Whatever.” She pushes her hair back from her face and looks at me defiantly, like she’s waiting for me to say something. So I don’t.
“Okay, well. I guess I’m just going to go walk around,” she says finally.
“The school?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“Because I just told you, I’m not going to the nurse.”
I have no idea what she’s talking about. She definitely might be a crazy person. Not, like, a dangerous crazy person or anything. Although, usually if people are nuts in one way, they have the potential to be nuts in all sorts of other ways. But I kind of like it. I like that she’s always been quiet in world history, and now here she is, talking nonsense.
“What do you have against nurses?” I tease. I start walking down the hall, just in case Mr. Marks decides to come out and make sure I’m actually going to the bathroom.
Harper follows me.
“Nothing, really.”
“Well, you must have something against them.” Is it possible she doesn’t know the amazingness that is the nurse’s office? “You know if you go down there and tell them you threw up in the bathroom, they’ll let you go home. It’s, like, a rule.”
“She wants me to have a physical,” Harper says, “and I have a phobia.”
“Of physicals?”
“Of all things medical.” She looks at me and raises her chin, challenging me to call her crazy. But I don’t. A girl who can admit what she’s afraid of is refreshing.
“It’s just a school physical, though. You know that, right? They don’t take blood or anything.” It’s true. I’ve had a million sports physicals for baseball, and if you’re not, like, five minutes away from dying or have scoliosis, the physicals are totally useless.
She shrugs. “It’s all the same to me.”
I’m still walking down the hall, and she’s still following me. “So you’re just gonna wander around the sch
ool?”
She nods. “Until the end of the period, yeah. Then hopefully they’ll have forgotten they want to see me.”
What a horrible plan. Everyone knows that if you’re trying to get away with skipping class, you don’t hang around at school. “That’s the worst idea ever,” I tell her. “Someone’s going to catch you.”
“No, they won’t,” she says. “I’m going to hide in the bathroom.”
“Oh my God,” I say, rolling my eyes. “That’s the first place they look!” It’s such an innocent, ridiculous plan that I can’t help think that maybe she’s joking. But there’s no sign of a smile on her face. I shake my head and then look her up and down. She bites her lip, and she looks so damn cute and kind of like a lost puppy that I can’t resist. “You wanna get out of here?”
She looks shocked. “Leave the school?”
“Yeah.”
“With you?”
“Yes.”
“And do what?”
“I don’t know. Eat. Walk. Have an adventure.” I give her my patented smile, the one I use when I want to get my way.
She taps her foot against the floor. “I don’t even know you.”
“Penn Mattingly.” I put my hand out, and she gives me a look like she can’t believe I’m trying to pull bullshit on her.
“I know your name.”
“So what else do you need?” I pull my wallet out and hand her my license. “Name, date of birth, address . . .”
She looks down at it doubtfully. “That’s a horrible picture of you.”
“Really?” I cock my head. “I kind of like it. It was after this crazy party, and this girl had . . .” I trail off for a moment, then reach out and take the license back. “Well. It was just a rough night. So given the circumstances, I think I look pretty good.”
“Are you always this cocky?”
I shake my head and pretend like she’s got me all wrong. “It’s a real shame,” I tell her, “that you would think that about me.”