“I didn’t think you were trying to stay away.”
“You asked me to. I was trying to honor your wishes. I wanted to give you time to think. To clear your head. To . . . listen to your heart.”
I’d definitely had time to think. Unfortunately, my thoughts were about as confused as they possibly could be. I hadn’t been able to think clearly since I’d left India. And I hadn’t listened to my heart since I woke up next to Ren in Kishkindha. I’d shut myself off from my heart months ago.
“Oh. So then, your feelings haven’t . . . changed?”
“My feelings are stronger than they ever were.”
His blue eyes studied my face. He pushed his hair out of his eyes and leaned forward. “Kelsey, every day you were away from me was agonizing. It drove me crazy. If Mr. Kadam hadn’t kept me busy every minute, I would have been on a plane the next week. I sat patiently through his instruction every day, but I was only a man for six hours. As a tiger, I wore a path on my bedroom rug from pacing hour after hour. He almost got out a safari rifle to shoot me with a tranquilizer. I couldn’t be appeased. I was restless, a wild animal without . . . without his mate.”
I fidgeted and shifted in the chair.
“I told Kishan I needed to train to get my fighting skills back up to par. We fought constantly as both men and beasts. We trained with weapons, claws, teeth, and bare hands. Fighting with him was probably the only thing that kept me sane. I’d fall onto my rug every night bloody, exhausted, and drained. But, still . . . I could feel you.
“You were on the other side of the world, but I often woke with the scent of you surrounding me. I ached for you, Kells. No matter how much Kishan thrashed me, it couldn’t diminish the pain of losing you. I’d dream of you and reach out to touch you, but you were always just out of reach. Kadam kept telling me it was for the best and that I had things to learn before I could come to Oregon. He was probably right, but I didn’t want to hear it.”
“But if you wanted to be with me then . . . why didn’t you call?”
“I wanted to. It tortured me to hear your voice every week when you called Kadam. I waited nearby each time, hoping that you would ask to speak to me, but you never did. I didn’t want to pressure you. I wanted to respect your wishes. I wanted it to be your decision.”
How ironic. There were so many times I wanted to ask for him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“You listened in on our phone conversations?”
“Yes. I have excellent hearing, remember?”
“Right. So what . . . changed? Why come here now?”
Ren laughed sardonically. “It’s Kishan’s doing. We were sparring one day, and he was beating me as usual. By that point, I didn’t even compete much with him anymore. I wanted him to hurt me. It helped. Suddenly, he stopped. He walked around me and looked me up and down. I stood there and waited for him to resume the fight. Then he pulled back his fist and punched me as hard as he could.
“I just stood there and took it, not even bothering to defend myself. Next, he punched me as hard as he could in the gut. I recovered and stood in front of him again, not even caring. He growled and shouted in my face.”
“What did he say?”
“A lot of things, most of which I’d rather not repeat. The gist of it was that I needed to snap out of it and that if I was so miserable . . . why didn’t I get up and do something about it?”
“Oh.”
“He mocked me, saying that the mighty Prince of the Mujulaain Empire, the High Protector of the People, the champion at the Battle of the Hundred Horses, the heir to the throne, was felled by a young girl. He said there was nothing more pathetic than a cowering tiger licking his wounds.
“At that point, I didn’t care what he said. Nothing fazed me until he told me that our parents would be ashamed. That they raised a coward. That’s when I made a decision.”
“The decision to come here.”
“Yes. I decided that I needed to be near you. I decided that, even if all you wanted was friendship, I would be happier here than I was in India without you.”
Ren got up, knelt at my feet, and took my hand. “I decided to find you, throw myself at your feet, and beg you to have mercy on me. I’ll accept whatever you choose. Honestly, Kelsey. Just please don’t ask me to live apart from you again. Because . . . I can’t.”
How could I remain unyielding? Ren’s words penetrated the flimsy barriers around my heart. I’d meant to set up a barbed wire fence, but the barbs had marshmallow tips. He slipped right through my defenses. Ren touched his forehead to my hand, and my marshmallow heart melted.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, hugged him, and whispered in his ear, “A prince of India should never have to get down on his knees and beg for anything. Alright. You can stay.”
He sighed and hugged me close.
I grinned wryly. “After all, I wouldn’t want PETA to come after me for tiger abuse.”
He laughed softly. “Wait right here,” he said and walked out the door that connected both our houses. He came back in with a package tied with a red ribbon.
The box was long, thin, and black. I cracked it open and saw a bracelet. The thin chain had a white-gold oval locket. Inside were two pictures: Ren, the prince, and Ren, the tiger.
I smiled. “You knew I’d want to remember the tiger too.”
Ren clasped the locket to my wrist and sighed. “Yes, even though I’m slightly jealous of him. He gets to spend much more time with you than I do.”
“Hmm. Well, not as much as he used to. I miss him.”
He grimaced. “Believe me, you’ll get to see plenty of him in the coming weeks.”
His warm fingers brushed my arm, and my pulse hammered. He pulled my arm up to eye level, inspected the charm, and pressed a kiss on the inside of my wrist.
Ren’s eyes twinkled with mischief as he said, “So do you like it?”
“Yes. Thank you. But . . .” My face fell. “I didn’t get you anything.”
He tugged me close and wrapped his arms around my waist. “You got me the best present of all. You gave me today. It’s the best present I could have wished for.”
I laughed and teased. “Pretty poor wrapping job I did then.”
“Hmm, you’re right. I’d better wrap you up properly.”
Ren grabbed my grandmother’s quilt from the back of the recliner and wrapped me up like a mummy. I kicked and squealed as he scooped me up in his arms and onto his lap.
“Let’s read something, Kells. I’m ready for another Shakespearean play. I tried to read one on my own, but I had a hard time sounding out the words.”
I cleared my throat noisily from within my cocoon. “As you can see, my captor, my arms are trapped.”
Ren leaned over to nuzzle my ear, and then suddenly stiffened. “Someone is here.”
The doorbell rang. Ren jumped up, set me on my feet, and spun me out of the blanket before I could blink. I stood there for a moment dizzy and confused. Then I flushed in embarrassment.
I hissed, “What happened to your tiger hearing?”
He grinned at me. “I was distracted, Kells. You can hardly blame me. Are you expecting someone?”
It suddenly hit me: “Li!”
“Li?”
I grimaced. “We have a . . . a date.”
Ren’s eyes darkened, and he repeated quietly, “You have a date?”
“Yes . . .” I said haltingly.
My mind raced with thoughts of the man next to me and the one outside my door. Ren is back, but what does that mean? And what am I supposed to do now?
The doorbell rang again. At the very least, I knew I couldn’t leave Li standing there.
Turning to Ren, I explained, “I need to go now. Please stay here. There’s sandwich stuff in the fridge for dinner. I’ll be back later. Please be patient. And don’t . . . get . . . mad.”
Ren folded his arms across his chest and narrowed his eyes. “If that’s what you want me to do. I will.”
I sighed with relief. “Thank you. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
Slipping on my shoes, I picked up the wrapped set of DVDs I had bought for Li. Tight-lipped, Ren helped me into my coat and then stalked into the kitchen. He leaned back against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest and a raised eyebrow. I gave him a weak, pleading smile and headed for the front door.
I felt a twinge of guilt at having a gift for Li and not for Ren, but quickly dismissed it and pulled open the door acting as if nothing strange was happening. “Hey, Li.”
“Merry Christmas, Kelsey,” Li said, completely unaware that everything in my life had changed once again.
My date with Li did not go as originally planned. We were supposed to see a martial arts movie and have Christmas dinner at Grandma Zhi’s. I was somber, and my thoughts kept drifting back to Ren. It was hard to focus on Li—or anything for that matter.
“What’s wrong, Kelsey? You seem very quiet.”
“Li, would you mind if we skipped the movie and just had an early dinner? I need to make some calls when I get home. You know, to say merry Christmas to friends.”
Li was disappointed but rebounded cheerfully, as usual. “Oh. Sure. That’s not a problem.”
It wasn’t exactly a lie. I was planning on calling Mr. Kadam later. But that didn’t make me feel one bit better about changing our plans.
At Grandma Zhi’s, the boys were mid-way through an all-day-game marathon. I played, but I was distracted and made bad strategic decisions—so bad that even the guys commented on it.
“What’s up with you tonight, Kelsey?” Wen asked. “You never let me get away with a move like that.”
I smiled at him. “I don’t know. Christmas blues maybe.”
I was losing badly, so Li grabbed my hand and led me to the living room to open our presents. Li and I exchanged gifts and opened them at the same time.
We pulled the paper off and laughed long and hard. We had bought each other the exact same present. It felt good to let go of some of the tension I had pent up.
“Apparently, we both like martial arts DVDs,” Li chuckled.
“I’m sorry, Li. I should have put some more thought into it.”
He was still laughing. “Don’t worry about it. It’s a good sign. Grandma Zhi would say it’s good luck in Chinese culture. It means we’re compatible.”
“Yeah,” I said thoughtfully, “I guess it does.”
We went back to the game after eating, and I played robotically while thinking about what he’d said. He was right in many ways. We were compatible and probably much more suited for each other than Ren and I were. Like Sarah and Mike, these were normal people, a normal family. And Ren was . . . not. He was immortal and gorgeous. He was too perfect.
I could easily envision making a life with Li. It would be comfortable and safe. He would be a doctor and set up a private practice in the suburbs. We’d have a couple of kids and vacation in Disneyland. The kids would all take wushu and soccer. We’d celebrate holidays with his grandparents and have all his friends and their wives over for barbeques.
A life with Ren was harder to picture. We didn’t look as if we belonged together. It was like matching up Ken with Strawberry Shortcake. He needed Barbie. What would Ren do in Oregon? Would he get a job? What would he put on his résumé? High Protector and former Prince of India? Would we purchase a time-share in a wild animal theme park so he could be the main attraction on weekends? None of it made sense. But I couldn’t deny my feelings for Ren—not anymore.
It was painfully obvious that my rebellious heart yearned for Ren. And, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself to fall for Li, the fact of the matter was that I was always drawn back to Ren. I liked Li. Maybe someday I could even love him. I definitely didn’t want to hurt Li. It wasn’t fair.
What am I going to do?
After I played badly for another hour, Li drove me home. It was early evening when he pulled into the driveway. I looked at the windows for a familiar shadow but didn’t see anything. The house was dark. Li walked me to my door.
“Hey, are my eyes deceiving me or is that mistletoe hanging up there?” Li asked, squeezing my elbow.
I glanced up at the mistletoe and remembered my resolve to kiss Li tonight. It seemed like so long ago. Now everything has changed. Hasn’t it? What about Ren? Could we really just be friends? Should I risk everything and take a chance with Ren? Or go with a sure thing like Li? How do I choose?
I’d been quiet a long time, and Li was waiting patiently for my answer. Finally, I turned to him and said, “Yeah. It is.”
I put my hand on his cheek and kissed him softly on the lips. It was nice. Not the passionate kiss I’d been planning, but he still seemed happy about it. He briefly touched my face and smiled. Li’s touch was nice. Safe. But, it wasn’t anything at all like what I felt with Ren. Li’s kiss was a speck of dust in the universe, a drop of water next to a raging waterfall.
How do you live with something so mediocre when you’ve had something so exceptional? I guess you just do and learn to treasure your memories.
I twisted the key in the lock and cracked the door open.
Li hollered happily, “Night, Kelsey. See you Monday.”
I watched him drive off and then stepped inside the house to face the Indian prince waiting for me within.
6
Choices
I stepped through the entryway and closed the door behind me, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness. I wondered if Ren was next door and debated whether or not to sort things out with him tonight.
I stepped into the living room and gasped softly when I spotted the familiar form of my blue-eyed white tiger sprawled out on the leather couch. Ren raised his head and looked straight into my soul.
Tears came to my eyes. I hadn’t realized that I’d missed this part of him, my friend, so much. I knelt down in front of the couch, threw my arms around his neck, and cried big alligator tears, letting them spill down my cheeks and into his soft white fur. I petted his head and stroked his back. Ren was here. He was finally with me. I wasn’t alone anymore. Suddenly, I understood that he must have felt this way too, being without me all these months.
I choked back a sob. “Ren, I . . . I missed you so much. I wanted to talk to you. You’re my best friend. It’s just that I didn’t want to take away your choices. Can you understand that?”
My arms were still wrapped tightly around his neck when I felt him change. His body morphed and soon his arms were around me and I was sitting on his lap. His white shirt was damp from my tears.
Hugging me close, he said, “I missed you too, iadala. More than you know. And I understand your reasons for leaving.”
I mumbled against his shirt, “You do?”
“Yes. But I want you to understand something too, Kells. You don’t take away my choices. You are my choice.”
I sniffed wetly. “But, Ren—”
He pulled my head back to his shoulder. “This man, Li. You kissed him?”
I nodded mutely against his chest. There was no point denying it. I knew he must have heard it through the door.
“Do you love him?”
“I feel friendship and respect for him, and I like him a lot, but I’m definitely not head over heels about him.
“Then why did you kiss him?”
“I kissed him to . . . compare, I guess. To explore how I really felt about him.”
Ren picked me up and set me on the couch next to him. He was warming to the topic, and I couldn’t figure out why. I expected him to be angry, but he wasn’t at all.
“So dating is how you learn if you like each other?”
“Yes,” I answered hesitantly.
“Did you have other dates or is this the first one?”
“You mean with Li?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Were there others?”
“Yes.” I frowned.
“How many?”
“Three altogether—Li, Jason, and Artie. If you can count
Artie. Ren, why all the questions? What are you getting at?”
“I’m just curious about modern courtship rituals. What did you do on these dates?”
“I’ve been out to see a couple of movies, I went out to dinner, I went with Li to a wedding, and I saw a football game with Jason.”
“Did you kiss all these men?”
“No! I’ve only kissed Li, and this was the first time.”
“So Li is the one you favor.” Ren started mumbling to himself. Turning to face me, he took my hands in his. “Kelsey, I think you should keep dating.”
My mouth dropped open. “What?”
“I’m serious. I’ve been thinking about it while you were gone. You talked about giving me choices. I’ve made mine, but you still haven’t made yours.”
“Ren, this is crazy! What are you talking about?”
“Date Li or Jason or whoever you want to, and I promise I won’t interfere. But I also want a fair chance. I want you to date me too.”
“I don’t think you understand how dating works, Ren. I can’t just date three or four men forever. The point of dating is that you end up becoming exclusive with someone you hit it off with.”
He shook his head. “You date to find the person you love, Kelsey.”
I sputtered, “So what am I supposed to tell Li, ‘By the way, Ren is back, and he thought it would be great if I dated you both?’”
He shrugged. “If Li can’t handle a little honest competition, then it’s better for you to know that now.”
“That’s going to make attending wushu class very awkward.”
“Why?”
“He’s my teacher.”
Ren grinned. “Good. I’ll tag along. I want to meet him and I could use a good workout anyway.”
“Uh, Ren, it’s a beginner’s class. You don’t belong, and I don’t want you fighting with Li. I’d really rather you didn’t go.”
“I’ll be a perfect gentleman.” He tilted his head, considering me. “Are you afraid that I’d be the obvious choice?”
“No,” I replied testily. “I’m more afraid you’d squash him like a bug!”
“I wouldn’t do that, Kelsey. Presuming I wanted to, that wouldn’t be the way to win your affections. Even I know that. So will you date me?”