I flinch again, closing my eyes, hating that word.
“I slept around a lot. I never kept a woman. It was a bad ‘look’ for the business. When he died, you know what he said had to happen.” He sighs. “I thought that business was all I had, Katia. I never thought there could be anything better out there for me. I believed it was the only thing keeping me afloat. Until I met you.”
I close my eyes, tucking my knees closer to my chest. “Why me?”
He shrugs. “I met you by chance that night, but you were so broken, so tired. You put on a good front, but your life was hard. I knew you would benefit from my lifestyle. I knew your mom would, too. It was a win-win, in my eyes.”
“You didn’t expect to care, did you?”
“Not at all.”
I keep my eyes fixed on the glass in front of me.
“Katia.”
I don’t turn.
“Come here.”
I still don’t turn.
“Katia.” His tone carries a warning.
“What did it feel like?” I whisper. “When I left?”
“Like someone had ripped out my heart and crushed it.”
“Then why did you let me go? Why did you say all those horrible things?”
“Do you not see? I was setting you free. I wanted you to hate me. I wanted you to leave and get away from the monster I was. You deserved so much better than me.”
I narrow my eyes. “But setting me free would have meant no business for you? If Walter hadn’t died . . .”
“I would have lost everything.”
I turn slowly to stare at him. He’s staring at me, sitting up, his big body calling me.
“You set me free, knowing you could lose everything? Not only would you lose that, but you would lose me too?”
He nods. “You deserved so much better. Hurting you and making you hate me meant you would move on, and you would find someone to give you the love you deserved and so desperately searched for in me.”
“Marcus,” I whisper.
Emotion hits me like a brick. He set me free. He said all those nasty things on purpose so I would go and wouldn’t come back.
“Why did you try to find me, then?”
He looks down. “At the time, letting you go made sense. When you were gone, my heart fucking ached. Suddenly I found myself desperate. I wanted to know where you were. I wanted to give you money. I needed to know you were okay.”
“You wanted your cake, and you wanted to eat it too.”
He laughs low. “Yeah. At the time, I knew what I was doing. It wasn’t until you left that I realized the mistake I’d made. I had set you free, but I had captured myself in doing so.”
“And Walter?”
“He destroyed everything, Katia.”
“Maybe,” I whisper. “Or maybe he released me from an awful trap.”
“He didn’t do that for you; he did it for himself. If you think he cared that you were hurting . . . you’re wrong.”
“Did you kill him, Marcus?”
He looks up sharply. “Does it matter?”
I tilt my head. “I guess not.”
“I’ve done a lot of things in my life, Katia. Until that day, I didn’t realize that marrying you was the best damned thing I ever did.”
My heart clenches. “And now?” I say softly.
“Nothing has changed.”
“Marcus, I tried to have you killed.”
“You were angry, hurt, and you had just lost someone important to you. I can’t hate you for that.”
“It doesn’t make it any better.”
“No,” he admits. “It doesn’t. But it’s finished. We have a daughter now, a daughter who needs us to function.”
“I don’t know if there can ever be an us,” I say, dropping my head.
He sighs. “Neither do I.”
“Marcus?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry.”
Another sigh. “Me too, baby.”
Fuck.
My heart cracks open.
“Marcus?”
He chuckles softly. “Yeah?”
“Can you hold me?”
Silence. Deafening silence.
“Yeah,” he whispers.
I crawl out of the chair and walk over to his bed. I climb in between his legs, tucking my body flush against his. I put my arms around his waist and press my cheek to his chest. It doesn’t take him long to wrap his arms around me, pulling me tight to his body. I breathe him in. I let his body consume mine, and suddenly I don’t feel like life is so bad.
For a second, it feels just how it’s meant to.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
KATIA
He smells like Marcus—masculine, intense, slightly musky. I close my eyes, breathing him in. His fingers glide down my back and it feels so damned good, so damned right. I want to stay here forever, going back to before, back when I was oblivious to the kind of man I’d fallen in love with. Back then things were so much easier. Time was always going to ruin that for me, though.
“Katia?”
I lift my head off his chest with a sigh, and look up. I can feel his breath on my face and suddenly the world seems to go still. I’m moving closer to him, he’s moving closer to me, and everything is quickly spinning out of control. He’s going to kiss me. I’m going to kiss him. This time, it’ll be different. Want to know why? Because this time we both want it, and it’s real.
It’s probably the most real kiss we’ll ever have.
As we inch closer, our breathing becomes ragged and short. I have my hand against his chest and I can feel his heart pounding against my palm. His breaths are still puffing out, warming my cheek. My heart is pounding, my skin is tingling and I’m so damned nervous my stomach is twisting. My eyes flutter closed and he’s so close it feels almost like his lips are touching mine.
“Ma’am?”
We both jerk back as if we’ve been stung. I turn my face away, shame rising in my cheeks. Marcus makes a throaty, disgusted sound. I’m not sure if it’s at me, or the nurse. Either way, my heart drops. I turn to see Penny is still asleep. The nurse comes in. Her face is pinched, her hair up in a tight bun. I know what she’s thinking—she’d be wrong.
“Yes?” I say in a scratchy voice, not bothering to attempt an explanation as to why I was in Marcus’s bed with my lips so close to his we might as well have been kissing.
“It’s time for me to check Penny.”
“Right,” I say, getting up. I sway to the side, exhaustion getting the better of me.
“Hey,” Marcus says, arm snaking around my waist. “Take it easy.”
“Sorry,” I whisper. “Just tired.”
“Then go home. I’ll stay with her.”
I stiffen. He sighs.
“She’s my daughter, Katia. I might be a whole lot of ugly, but that little girl is my beautiful. I’m not going to hurt her in any way; you need to trust that.”
I close my eyes. I know he’s right. He’d never hurt her. Still, leaving her just doesn’t feel natural.
“I don’t feel right leaving her,” I admit.
“Then come back. At least go and shower, have something to eat.”
I can probably do that.
“Okay.”
He lets me go and walks over to the bed, taking the seat beside Penny. She stirs as the nurse starts checking her over. She’s been coughing quite a bit, and upon stirring, it starts again. My heart aches for her. Marcus’s face scrunches up and I can tell he hates it as much as I do. He looks to me and I force a weak smile. “She’ll be okay.”
“She’s responding well,” the nurse says. “Her fever has gone, and it seems like the mucus is moving from her chest.”
“Thank God,” I breathe.
“Go home, have some sleep. She’s doing well, and as long as one of you is here, she’ll be fine.”
I look to Marcus and he’s pleading with his eyes for me to just let him do this. With an exhausted sigh, I say, “I’ll go
home, sleep for a few hours. Then I’ll be back.”
“I’ll be right here.”
I walk over to Penny and lean down, brushing my lips across her head. “Mommy will be back soon, baby. I promise.”
I close my eyes, lingering close to her face. I breathe her in, stroke her curls and then stand. Marcus is watching me intensely, but he’s got a softness in his eyes I’ve never seen there before. I give him a weak smile and then leave the hospital, praying I’ve made a good choice.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
MARCUS
She’s so fucking small.
Her tiny body is curled up in that big bed, a bed that just makes her look so . . . fragile. I didn’t think this through. I didn’t think that maybe she’d wake up and want her momma, and not me. What if she screams? What if she hates me? Something clenches deep in my chest and I find myself pacing the room, waiting for her to wake and crush me.
I can hear her shuffling; she’s been doing that for the last hour. She’s waking, and I know it’s only a matter of time. Her coughing has eased slightly, and I’m grateful for that. The croaky sound had my heart pounding every time it escaped her lips. It fucking burned. I run my fingers through my hair, trying not to think of Katia. Trying to think of here and now.
But I can’t stop thinking about her.
Katia.
My Wife.
A wife that I wanted to kiss so badly—too badly. I felt something deep in my heart, something I hadn’t felt right up until that moment. I knew I’d fallen for her, but this was something more, something deeper. Now I can’t get her from my mind. I can’t stop thinking that we could be a family, that maybe things could be better.
Deep down, I know they can’t.
I can’t stay married to her, and it’s not even because I don’t want to remain that way. It’s because it’s wrong. Our entire marriage was built on a foundation of lies, and it’s unsteady and dangerous. I have to divorce her. I have to break the binding ties that started this in the first place.
I don’t know how she’ll take it. I don’t know if she’ll see it the way I do. Either way, it has to be done. A soft sound snaps me out of my thoughts and I turn to see Penny staring over at me, her eyes sleepy and heavy. Shit. She’s so fucking beautiful. I’ve never seen anything so perfect in my life. I turn and walk over. My heart throbs, my body tingles and I’m terrified of what’s going to happen next.
“Hey Penny,” I say softly.
She makes a pained sound and lifts her arms in the air, chubby fists waving back and forth. She wants me to pick her up?
My hands tremble as I lean down, putting my fingers under her armpits and gently lifting her. She’s so light, so tiny. I’m careful of her drip line as I cradle her in my arms. She stares up at me for a moment, before her face cracks into the biggest, most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.
And I know, I just know . . . I’ll never be the same again.
~*~*~*~
KATIA
It’s been two days since Penny went to hospital, and she’s finally home. It’s been draining; Marcus and I have had to swap times so we could rest. We made sure one of us was by her side every second. She’s taken to him, and every time I see him smile at her, or her giggle at him, my heart melts just a little bit more. They’re perfect together.
I can’t say I always knew they would be, because that would be a lie. I never thought I’d see them like this. I never thought I’d see him like this—so free, so happy, so in love. He adores her; it’s written all over his face. He’s constantly touching her, constantly making her laugh. It’s beautiful. Truly beautiful.
Now I’m home, and I don’t know where we go from here. He’s at his house, I’m at Ford’s . . . we’re separated and I really don’t know where this leaves us. How often will he want to see her? Will we have to work out custody arrangements? Will we get back together? Do I want to get back together? It’s all too confusing, sending me over the edge.
I have to talk to him. I guess that’s truly the only way.
I pull out my phone as soon as I’ve put Penny down for the night. I know he’s probably tired, probably sleeping, but this needs to be done and for my sanity, I need it done now. I dial his number and hold my breath, praying I’m not waking him up.
“Yeah?” he answers in a gruff, yet not groggy tone.
“Marcus, hey.”
“Katia.”
I swallow. He always manages to have this affect on me, even after everything. With one word, he renders me speechless.
“Katia?”
“Sorry,” I finally whisper. “Marcus, can we talk?”
“Now?”
“If you have time.”
He’s silent for a moment. “Can you come around? Not sure Ford will want me there.”
“Ah . . . Penny is asleep . . .”
“Right, don’t wake her.”
“Hang on.”
I pull the phone from my ear and walk to the door. “Hey, Ford?”
He comes out of his room, shirtless and panting from yet another workout. “Yeah?”
“Penny is sleeping. I need to go and see Marcus for a few hours. Is she okay here while I’m gone?”
“Of course she is!”
My eyes widen as Candy pops her head around the door. Then my mouth drops open. He was sweating and panting from a workout.
“Candy!” I cry.
She grins. “Sorry. You fucked my boss, I fucked your brother. It’s only fair, right?”
I bite my bottom lip. Her smile gets bigger. Ford groans and looks at the ceiling.
“Ah, right, well . . . sure.”
“And don’t worry.” She winks at Ford. “We’re done for now. I’ll watch Penny.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely.”
I nod, still staring at her in shock. With a shake of my head, I put the phone to my ear. “I’m all yours.”
I didn’t mean it to sound like that. I close my eyes and curse softly.
“Do you want me to come and get you?” Is that a hint of amusement in his voice?
“No, I’ll drive.”
“Okay.”
I hang up and roll my eyes. Could I be anymore pathetic? I quickly get dressed, go over everything with Candy, chew on her ass for another ten minutes about Ford, then I kiss Penny goodbye and drive over to Marcus’s house. Our old home. A place where so much darkness unraveled.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
KATIA
My entire body is shaking as I knock on the door.
I don’t know what’s about to happen, and I don’t know how this is going to go down. All I know is that we need to figure this out once and for all so we can all move on with our lives. Together or apart. I fiddle with the necklace around my neck as I wait for Marcus to answer. When he does, my breath catches. He’s wearing nothing but a pair of exercise pants, a light sheen of sweat over his chest and abs.
Jesus.
His hair is slightly damp, falling over his forehead, and he looks . . . amazing. I swallow, adjusting my top, even though it really doesn’t need adjusting. “Ah, hey,” I mumble, trying to look anywhere but at the amazing body facing me. All that bronze, tight skin. All those muscles. All those tattoos.
“Hey,” he murmurs, “Come in.”
I step past him and freeze as I look around. The house hasn’t changed, not a bit, but it still hurts like it did the day I left it. Seeing it again brings it all back. I clench my eyes shut, take a deep steadying breath, and pull myself together. That was then. This is now. I can’t hold on to the past. It won’t do either of us any good.
“Do you want some wine?” he asks as I enter the kitchen.
“Sure.”
He steps past me and lifts the bottle of red off the table. He pours some into a glass and hands it to me before getting himself a beer. We move to the living area and I stare out the massive windows.
“Why are you here, Katia? I know you wouldn’t just come in here without a reason.”
>
I take a deep breath, a sip of wine, and then turn to him. God damn him for looking so perfect. He doesn’t make this easy.
“We need to talk about this. About us; about Penny.”
He nods shortly, and leans against the wall, accentuating all that he is with that one simple movement.
“I don’t know . . . I don’t know what to do or where to go, but I think for her sake we need to know.”
“I want Penny in my life, Katia, but I’m not going to bring a fight into it. I just want what is best for her.”
My heart aches at his words, purely because he didn’t say he wanted me in his life, and I never thought that would hurt the way it is.
“I want what’s best for her, too,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady. “I want you in her life, Marcus. I just don’t know how we’re going to do that.”
He stares at me, really stares. Then in a low rumble, he says, “I grew up in a fucked up household. My mother, my father, my grandfather, the entire lot of them created the monster that broke your heart. I don’t want that for her. I don’t want her to live every day watching her parents fight.”
“And that’s what you think will happen?” I rasp. “That we’ll fight?”
“Katia,” he says, his voice almost sympathetic. “We didn’t just cheat on each other, or make a small mistake. I fuckin’ broke you and you tried to have me killed. I’m not sure that’s something that can be overlooked.”
My chest constricts, and I manage to say, “So what do you propose?”
“I don’t know right now. All I know is I want my daughter in a happy world.”
“Do you love me, Marcus?”
His eyes narrow and his jaw clenches. I watch as he gathers himself, then he says, “Love isn’t enough, Katia. You and I both know that.”
“So that’s it? We separate and put Penny on visitation rights?”
My voice comes out bitter, and I can’t help that. I want to scream, to rip my hair out, to beg. I hate that I feel like that. Marcus broke me. I broke him. We’re a train wreck, and sometimes there just aren’t enough parts in the world to put such a mess back together. I don’t know if he can fix me, and I sure as shit don’t know if I can fix him. He’s right; Penny doesn’t deserve to grow up with parents who resent each other.