“Hey,” Ford says. “Shit, Katia, look at me.”
“I’m a monster,” I wail. “I’m a heartless monster.”
“No, you’re not.”
I jerk my head up, glaring at him. “I am,” I scream hysterically.
“Katia, calm down.”
“I was going to kill him.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t.”
“That doesn’t make it better.”
He sighs, closing his eyes for calm. Then he reaches over, taking my shoulders. “Listen to me,” he begins, but I cut him off.
“I was going to have him killed,” I scream. “I was going to destroy his life and I didn’t care. I didn’t stop and think about myself, or my daughter. I forgot her, Ford. I forgot Penny for a brief time in my life, determined only to seek revenge. I became him.”
“You did, but you want to know the difference between you and him?”
I lift my tear-soaked eyes to his, my body trembling so hard my teeth are chattering.
“He wouldn’t pull back,” he continues. “You’re doing just that. You’re realizing what you’ve done, and you’re going to fix it. That’s the difference between a monster and a person who is simply broken.”
“My daughter deserves better.”
He lifts my chin. “Perhaps, but that’s not your choice to make. It’s hers and right now, you’re the only thing in her world that matters. Pick yourself up, end this deal you’ve made with whoever you’ve made it with, and put your life together.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
He cups my face in his hands. “You can.”
I close my eyes, dropping forward and cupping my face.
“What have I become?”
~*~*~*~
“Jesus, is she okay?”
I can hear my father’s worried voice as Ford carries me up the stairs to my room.
“She broke tonight. It needed to happen, but she’s taking it hard. She needs to rest and then we can deal with this.”
Deal with this.
Deal with the horrible, icy person I’ve become.
I don’t deserve them. I don’t deserve Penny.
My mother would be ashamed.
“She looks terrible,” Candy whispers. “Jesus.”
“She’ll be okay,” Ford assures her.
“Penny is asleep. Put her in the bed with her. It’ll help.”
“You sure that’s a good idea?” Ford questions.
Candy scoffs. “That’s her baby girl, the only thing she has left. She’s not a monster, Ford. She’s a broken woman. Put her in the bed with her daughter.”
“Fine.”
I hear the sound of doors opening, and then I’m placed down onto the bed. Tears burn under my eyelids again when I feel Penny next to me. I reach out, taking her tiny hand in mine and she automatically rolls towards me. I cry hard and heavy as I tuck her into my arms.
I’m so sorry, Penny.
I’ll fix this. I’ll fix it all.
~*~*~*~
“You were right,” I whisper, dropping my head so he can’t see the despair in my eyes.
“We all fuck up, girl.”
I still don’t look at him. He was right. He knew what I was; he saw it even before I did, and he called me on it. Now I have my father’s money tucked back in my arms, even though he never had to give it back. He didn’t have to but he did. He might be the new president of a massive biker club, but he sure as shit isn’t a bad man.
“Look at me.”
I lift my eyes and stare into his, which are very beautiful.
“There are times in my life I’ve wanted to do shit, bad shit, and something has come along and pulled me out. Don’t let it get you down. Instead, learn from it. Become a bigger person. A better person. You have control of your own life now, so take it.”
“I have a child to him,” I say, and his eyes widen just slightly.
“And he’s still alive.”
“Only because you saw what I was before I did.”
His lips tip up in one corner. God, he’s handsome. “Maybe I did. I’ve seen a lot of monsters in my life, girl. There ain’t no monster in your eyes, just a fuckin’ hurt girl lookin’ for a way to heal her heart.”
I shake my head. “You know,” I begin, “I’ve heard a lot about this club, a lot of bad things, but you’re not . . . you’re . . .”
“I’m a bad man; don’t doubt it. I’m back here for my own sinister reasons. I seek revenge just like you. I’m just not cold about it, there’s a big difference. My Uncle Howard fucked this club, and he fucked a reputation that I now have to try and fix. I was thrown into this life, and I’m embracing it because it’s all I know. You ought to give that a go.”
I smile weakly.
“Now go. Pretend you never met me, pretend this never happened.”
I nod and turn back towards the car, grateful it’s over; grateful he called the hit off. Grateful he’s a good man. When I reach my car door, I stop and turn, staring at him leaning against his Harley, arms crossed over a massive chest.
“Do I get to know your name?”
His lips quirk.
“Do you want to know my name?”
I stare at him, really stare. He’s rough, he’s rugged, he’s clearly had a hard life, but this man has warmth somewhere in his soul. I know it because he saved me from making the biggest mistake of my life. So yes, I want to know his name. No, I need to know it.
“Yeah, I think I do.”
He takes hold of his bike and throws a leg over it, and then he turns and stares at me. The loud rumble of his bike fills the quiet space and just before he takes off, he tells me, “My name is Jahred Ciston, but you can call me JC.”
With that, he leaves.
And in his dust, I whisper low. “Thanks, Jahred.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
KATIA
I kneel down in the soft, damp earth. My fingers drop to the dirt that still hasn’t settled. Flowers are now wilting over a headstone with beautiful script. I close my eyes, breathing in the fresh air surrounding the gravesite where my mother lies – we brought her home to be buried. I haven’t come to see her. I haven’t cried. Today I’m here; today I’m going to start making things better.
“I’m so sorry, Momma,” I whisper, my voice too hoarse to make an appearance. “I screwed so many things up. I took you away from your life because I was too scared to face mine. I messed up in so many ways and when you passed, I went into a dark place. I love you so much; I’m so sorry I never told you more. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I just . . . I just need you to know how much I love you.”
“She knows.”
I turn my head to see my father standing, hands in his pockets, staring down at me.
“I thought you’d be here,” he says softly, stepping forward. “When I woke up this morning you were gone.”
I turn back to the soft earth again. “I haven’t come to see her. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own business and vengeance that I haven’t even come to see her.”
“Do you think that matters to her?”
Tears burn under my eyelids. “Of course it does.”
“Is that what you believe? Truly?”
He kneels down beside me, running his fingers over the soft soil. “Your mother was a miraculous person, Katia. She loved with a purity so many people lack. She would have given her life for you, but more than that—she was so damned grateful because you gave so much of your life for her.”
I close my eyes, clenching my jaw. “I wasn’t there when she needed me. Not before. Not after.”
“Katia,” he says, his voice firm but gentle. “You worked yourself into the ground just to give her a life. You came here to try and fix something so you could continue to give her a life.”
“And I fucked up,” I cry, my voice breaking. “I came back, and instead of doing what I had to do, I ruined things. I didn’t make it back to her. I didn’t make it back when she needed me back.”
“
Katia, listen to me.” He takes my chin and turns my face towards his. “She wanted you here. She wanted you happy. She wanted you to move on. She never wanted you taking care of her; it caused her more pain than you not being there. She wanted you free, and sweetheart, now you are. This is what she wanted. This is her happiness.”
I place my hands over my chest, sinking my fingers into my flesh and pinching. He’s right; I know he’s right. I know how much it bothered her to see me working when she could do nothing. Even so, it doesn’t take my agony away.
“She shouldn’t have had to die without me.”
He places a hand on my shoulder. “No, but at least she didn’t die alone.”
I turn to him and he smiles weakly. “I was with her, Katia. When she slipped away, I told her I loved her. She died smiling.”
I choke on a sob and nod, dropping my head.
“You need to pick yourself up and move on with your life, sweetheart. It’s time to make a new beginning, for you and your daughter.”
“I can’t move on. How can I? I paid to have him killed. The guilt of that is destroying me.”
“In a moment of weakness, you lost it. You’re here now. You’re here and you’ve fixed it. Put it behind you, move on and deal with this, Katia.”
“A new beginning means dealing with Marcus, and I don’t know if I can do that. He hates me. He knows what I was going to do and he hates me for it. I made myself no better than him. How can I be angry at him now? I don’t think we’ll ever deal with this.”
“You need to talk to him, take the emotion out of it.”
“I blamed him for her death. I let him take that burden. Then I tried to have him killed. Killed, Dad. There is no way to remove emotion.”
“You need to make a choice, sweetheart. If you’re going to let him go, then do it. If you’re not, then you need to tell him about Penny and you need to try and fix whatever is broken. You can’t keep dancing around a situation that is long overdue for closure.”
“Hating him and wanting revenge made it easier,” I whisper.
“Easier to do what, exactly?”
“It made it easier to convince myself I didn’t love him so fucking much, it burns.”
“Oh honey,” he soothes, pulling me into his arms. “You’re being too hard on yourself.”
“How can I still care?” I croak. “How can he still matter, after all of it?”
“Because you love him. That doesn’t just turn off with hurt or heartbreak, or even betrayal. You can’t just make those feelings go away.”
“Blaming him made it easier for me to hate him, and for a while there, in that darkness, I did hate him. I was so far gone I was going to have him killed. I was going to kill the father of my child. What sort of monster does that make me?”
I lose it then. My entire body crumbles and I cry so hard I can’t see, can’t feel, and can’t hear. Everything closes down and I sob into my father’s arms. I sob until I’m gasping for air.
“We make mistakes. You’ve owned up to yours and it’s finished. It’s time to move on.”
“My life was never meant to go like this. It was just meant to be easy.”
He pulls me into his chest. “Life was never meant to be easy, sweetheart. That’s just the reality of it.”
~*~*~*~
I go home and sleep with Penny for a few solid hours. She curls into me and I hold her, trying to make up for the time when I wasn’t her mom, but a monster in the place of her mom. She doesn’t care. She forgives me. She loves me, no matter what. She makes me realize that she is the most beautiful person I know.
By the time I get up, I’m not feeling a great deal better. In fact, my body hurts more, and all my muscles ache. I know it’s because of the crying, and the massive release of emotion, but still . . . it sucks. I get Penny some breakfast and settle on the patio with a coffee, waiting for Candy and Dusty to arrive. They said they wanted to talk to me about something.
An hour later, we’re all sitting around a table. When I say us all, I mean Candy, Dusty, my brothers and my father. Obviously, this is important. I’m bouncing Penny on my lap, not willing to let her go for even a second. I have big plans for us in the next few days; I want to take her to the park, to the beach, and anywhere else I can think of. I stare at my family, wondering what could be so important they all have to be here for it.
“The reason we’re all here, is firstly, because we want you to know we’re here to help,” my dad says. “I have a job going, Katia. If you want it, it’s yours.”
I nod, trying to smile, but I’m too emotionally drained. “Thank you,” I croak.
“You can rent a room here,” Ford says. “I don’t mind having you around and dad is buying another house so it’ll just be us.”
“Thanks, Ford.”
“And I have a car I fixed up that I don’t need,” Landon pipes up. “It’s yours.”
Tears burn under my eyelids. “Why are you all doing this?”
“Because you’re family,” my father says. “And we love you.”
I choke on a sob and hold onto Penny, pressing my nose to her cheek and inhaling.
“Unfortunately, we have some bad news.”
I lift my head and see my father has a yellow envelope in his hands.
“What’s that?”
“It’s divorce papers, Katia.”
My entire world stops spinning and my ears begin to ring. He sent me divorce papers, like he said he would. I never thought, not even for a second, that it would burn the way it is. I swallow back my tears and stand, gripping the papers to my side and balancing Penny on my other one.
“Thank you all for your kindness. I’m just going to take a walk.”
“Katia,” Candy tries.
“Honey,” Dusty adds.
I force a smile. “I’m fine. This is what I wanted.”
I turn and walk out, carrying Penny down to the barn. I sit down and let her scramble off my lap towards a butterfly fluttering over a flower. I stare down at the papers, my heart aching. This is what I wanted. It’s for the best. It’s the only way. I close my eyes, taking a deep, steadying breath.
Then I open it.
Seeing Marcus’s signature on the papers hurts. It hurts a lot.
“Are you okay?”
I look up to see Candy. She kneels down beside me.
“I’m fine,” I whisper.
“I know how hard it must be, regardless of everything.”
“I still love him, Candy. Even through my rage and betrayal, it burns so brightly. I didn’t realize it at first but now...I know this is for the best, but it hurts . . .”
“You’re only human, honey,” she soothes. “It’s allowed to hurt.”
I force a smile. “Yeah.”
“I wanted to ask . . .”
I look over to her. “Yeah?”
“Before you sign those, are you going to see if you’re entitled to anything?”
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“For Penny’s sake, don’t you think you should work out something? It’s only fair.”
“I became a bad person for a while there,” I say, watching Penny giggling over the butterfly still. “I don’t know if I deserve anything.”
“You both did bad things, but in the end it’s fair for you to get something.”
“Maybe.”
“And Penny, are you going to tell him about her?”
“Yes, I think I have to.”
She nods. “You’re doing the right thing.”
“Maybe,” I whisper. “It doesn’t feel like it.”
She sits down, pulling me close. “Trust me honey, you are.”
~*~*~*~
KATIA
She won’t stop coughing.
It’s been going on for five days.
“I’m taking her to the hospital,” I say to my father as I rush down the stairs, Penny in my arms. “Her fever has spiked.”
“I’ll drive you,” he says.
Penny has been
sick for five days, this one being the morning of the sixth. It started with a cough that got worse. I took her to the doctor, but they said it was just a virus and to give her painkillers and rest. After three days, it wasn’t better and she started getting fevers. She stopped eating, stopped drinking, and I knew that it couldn’t go on.
I took her to the hospital. They sent her home with antibiotics, telling me it was just a cough.
It’s not better, and I can’t take it anymore, so I’m taking her back.
I bundle her into the car and watch as my father gets in the front, starting it. I tuck Penny to my chest, not wanting to part with her. I can hear her chest rattling with each breath and I could swear her lips are tinged blue. Panic seizes me and I look towards my dad.
“I think she’s going blue.”
He stares down at her frantically. “Put her upright a little. We’re nearly there.”
I do as he says, tipping her up slightly. She’s extra drowsy, not whining or complaining. She’s been crying for a few days, but now she’s just floppy. “Hurry,” I cry. “Please.”
We practically speed to the hospital and when we arrive, I rush out of the car and straight into the ER department. A nurse comes over as soon as she catches sight of Penny and I.
“What’s happening?”
“She’s been sick for days, but her breathing has gotten worse, her temperature spiked and I think she’s going blue,” I cry, tears pricking my eyelids.
“Bring her this way.”
We rush down the hall until we reach a room. The nurse instructs me to put her on the bed while she pages a doctor. A moment later, an older doctor comes in, staring down at my daughter.
“Talk to me about what’s been happening?” he asks as he starts examining her.
“She had a cough,” I whisper. My dad squeezes my shoulder. “It got worse. I took her to the doctor and they told me it was just a virus. A few days later she had fevers and the cough was thick and mucusy. I brought her here and we were sent home with antibiotics. Today her fever spiked again and she started looking like this.”
“I’m going to need to run some tests,” he says, turning to me. “I fear she may have pneumonia.”