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“No. Please. ” Panic made his mouth taste metallic, made his ears ring. “Just give me one minute. Sixty seconds is all I ask. ”
She considered it for a painful moment, then sat stiffly across from him. “Sixty seconds. ” She glared at her watch like she might actually be timing him.
She seemed so far away. He was losing her. Losing his family. He’d awoken from his haze into a cold, black place. But it was a place he’d made himself. Even now he felt the itch to try, just one last time. To head to the nearest casino and finally get his big payday. But he knew now, the impulse was a madness, chasing smoke. He had his payday, and it was Helen and the kids. And they’d locked him out of their lives.
He forced himself to keep his hands extended toward her, praying the day would come when she’d take them again. “I’m sorry. So sorry. ”
“Tell it to Ellie. I can get you wanting to leave me, but her? Chrissakes, Rob, she’s only seven years old. ”
“I’ll never forgive myself. ”
Her eyes were flat on him. “That and two bucks will buy you a cup of coffee. ”
“I have a problem,” he said. “I know that now. But I promise I’ll work hard. I’m going to work on getting better. ” It would be a lifelong struggle, but his wake-up call had been just too terrifying. The stakes were too high—he had to back away from the ledge. There was no choice in this one. He needed to turn his back on gambling forever. “Doctor Mark found me a group in Silver City. ”
He heard someone in the tavern say, “As long as it’s far from the strip. ” There was a low, answering laugh.
He pretended not to hear. “I went, and it’s good, Helen. It’ll be a good thing. They told me how gambling is an addiction. Like heroin or something. ”
He heard voices discussing him. The talk came to him in snippets…what he should do, what Helen should do, what others have done. There were Bible quotes about forgiveness. About fortitude. Pithy, pitiful crap.
It all made him so angry. People didn’t understand. Easy quotes and anecdotes meant nothing when you were facing a battle like this. But he knew that his anger and shame were the flip sides of the same coin. He had no right to be angry, and the shame was his to feel. He was the one who’d made himself an outsider.
He pushed those other voices from his head. They didn’t matter. All that mattered was Helen. His kids. “Gamblers like me, we think we can hit the tables like anyone else. I thought I could go to the casino like a normal person. ”
“I swear to you,” Helen snapped, “the day you enter another casino will be the day I take your kids from you forever. ”
Her voice was steel, but he’d earned that cold wrath. He made himself hear it. “I won’t. I swear I won’t. ” He’d been studying the steps to recovery. First was to admit he was powerless. Then, to turn his will. Now, it was time to make amends.
“Can you try to forgive me?” he asked quietly.
“I’m tired, Rob. ” She leaned her head back, looking defeated. Her pretty face had aged.
He’d done that to her. “Marrying me was a bad bargain. ”
“Our kids are the only reason I’m even looking at you right now. ”
“I vow I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to all of you. ”
“You’ve said vows before. ” She shook her head. “They’re just words. ”
“Not if you mean them like I do. You said vows once, too. In sickness and in health. Please, just one more chance. Let me be a husband to you. ”
She stared at him a moment, speechless, looking like she was seeing him for the first time. “I’m done. ”
Panic clawed him. “Don’t say that. Don’t say you’re done. ”
He’d emerged from a fog to realize his angel girl could’ve died, and it would’ve been his fault. He’d awoken to find his wife on the other side of a glass wall, staring at him like a pitiable thing. Like a criminal. “I love you, Helen. I’m nothing without you. ”
“Then it looks like you’ve got a problem. ”
He felt someone looming over them and looked up to find Eddie Jessup staring daggers.
“Hey, Helen,” Eddie said. “Do you need help over here? Do you need me to ask him to leave?”
“I have to talk to my wife. ”
“And I have to make sure your wife wants to listen. ”
He stood and faced Eddie. This would be the last time she’d need another man to step up for her, even if it meant breaking his back to prove he was the only one for her. He’d face everyone, one by one, if that was what he needed to do to make it right. To make Helen his again. “She doesn’t need protection from me. ”
“Your kid sure needed protecting when I dropped her at your house last night. ”
“What are you doing lurking around our house?” Eddie made himself at home while he’d been locked out. Jealousy and shame burned him. Fed his anger. “You hot for my wife?”
Helen got up, every inch of her five-foot-four frame standing erect. “Robert, don’t you dare. ”
“You have got to be kidding me. ” Eddie laughed grimly. “This is not the best moment to push it with me, Haskell. ”
“What do you care, anyway?” He considered the guy for a moment. He knew Jessup had been there for his wife and child, and it stung. He wanted to lash out, but since he couldn’t take the guy with his fists, he’d take him with words. “If I were you, I’d be worrying about minding my own damned business. Fairview’s got a casino in Reno, and the place has been crawling with suits. I heard them talk, and there’s something fishy with that construction project of yours. So you need to stop throwing stones when you live in your own damned glass house. ”
Eddie squinted at him. “What the hell are you talking about? You’re so full of it, trying to make this about me, when you should be thanking me. I was there last night for your family, doing what you should’ve been doing. ”
“You need to stay away from my wife. ”
“And you need to get a grip,” Eddie said. “Look at you…look at all your bullshit. The gambling, the money, this big-guy attitude of yours, screw all of it. You’ve got a wife and kids who love you. That’s the jackpot right there. And you’re going to lose it all. ”
The statement hung, reverberating, until Helen added quietly, “It’s one thing to neglect me, Rob, but Ellie could have died. ”
He broke then.
He began to weep, in front of all those people. But he didn’t care. He’d strip naked and walk through Sierra Falls if it meant his wife would forgive him. “I don’t want to neglect you, Helen. I love you. ”
Eddie scowled at him. “Then you need to man up. ”
“That’s enough, Eddie. ” Helen inserted herself between the two men. “I’ve got this. ”
Rob took her hands and told her earnestly, “All I ever wanted was to take care of you. To treat you to things. Treat you right. ”
She flinched, and it was a knife in his belly. “You’ve got a funny way of showing it. ”
“I just wanted some extra cash,” he pleaded. “For us. I wanted enough money to hire a sitter for you. To get you some help every once in a while. ”
“I love the kids,” she shot back. “I love spending time with them. I wanted to spend time with you, too. ”
“But you’re always flirting with other men. ”
“Hoping to catch your attention,” she snapped. “I don’t want them. I thought you had a mistress. ”
The front door jingled, and Ellie ran in, with Edith right behind. His angel girl, and she ran right into his arms. “Daddy!”
“I tried to keep her on the couch. ” Edith shot a glance at Helen, and it was loaded with uncertainty and apology. “She saw his truck in the lot and insisted. ”
His daughter forgave him, and he swore to himself he’d do all he could to make himself worthy of it. He scrubbed his face dry. “Hey, pretty lady. How are you feeling?”
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Ellie was clueless to the discomfort of the adults in the room and reported with a wide smile, “Missus Edith gave me a special wallet for my money. ”
“What money?” Helen was instantly suspicious, and it made him feel like a thief. She took the beaded wallet from their daughter and opened it, but when she saw what was inside, her expression crumpled.
“Daddy gave me his buffalo nickel,” Ellie said proudly.
Helen gave him a pointed look. “That’s your lucky coin. ”
“I don’t need it anymore. ” He reached for her hand. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. ”
She held herself stiffly, but finally she didn’t pull away. “I don’t need babysitters and fancy cars,” she said, sounding so tired. “I need you. ”
“Really? Do you really mean that?” He would erase that sadness from her eyes—he’d dedicate himself to it.
Finally he felt Jessup, Edith, and the others drift away, giving them some privacy, and he let it all out. “I see you…you’re so damned sexy, Helen. And I’m such a screwup. I’ve got a job at the hardware store, and then I see you talking to guys like…like Eddie, or that Damien. I see how men like that look at you. I see the way you smile at them. You could be with any man you wanted. You’re that beautiful. We’ve been on this road a long time. We were young when we started. I’d understand if you want to leave me. ”
“I do want to leave you. ” She swept a tear from her face. “But don’t you get it, Robbie? I don’t care about those other men. All I ever wanted was to make a life with you, my husband, and you took that from me. ” She sighed. Paused. It was the longest moment of his life. “But the kids love you, and God help me, somewhere in my heart, I do, too. I’ll give you one more chance. Just one more,” she added vehemently. “Because if I see you so much as looking at a deck of cards, I’ll fix it so you’re never alone with me or our children ever again. ”