radio. Seth is sitting all sad, moping.
RUSS
(singing)
“...What the hell is ADD?...”
Seth turns to Russ.
SETH
(sadly)
Hey, do you mind?
RUSS
No problem--I love this part too!
Russ cranks it up to full blast. Disgusted, and almost in
tears, Seth turns it off himself. He has interrupted Russ’
jam session.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Why’d you do that? Oh. Yeah. The stuff
about the breakup...(beat)...stuff.
SETH
It’s more than that. (beat) She told me I
was the World’s Biggest Zero. I love her,
and she thinks I have no value whatsoever.
RUSS
You? No!
He takes a hand off the wheel and waves his concerns off.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Pishaw!!! I can only say, you are no bigger
of a loser than I am.
He suddenly loses it and bangs his raised hand on the horn.
The horn BLARES.
RUSS (CONT'D)
(road raging)
HEY, MOVE IT!!! WE'RE ON THE FREEWAY!!! I
WILL GET OUT THIS VAN, RUN UP TO YOUR
BITCHASS PRIUS AND PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD--
THAT IS HOW SLOW YOU'RE GOING!!! PUT YOUR
FOOT DOWN!!!
He suddenly calms.
RUSS (CONT’D)
(to himself)
Man, there are cars everywhere today.
(to Seth)
The world is overpopulated and run by
people who were losers and geeks in high
school. You know George W. Bush was a
cheerleader? Became our greatest living
President. Bill Gates has always been
Bill Gates, and...(beat)...Barack Obama
used to wear a dress!
SETH
Yeah, well...(beat)...I don’t know about
that.
RUSS
We'll wiki it later.
SETH
I feel confident that Barack Obama has
never been a crossdresser, no. You just
made that last example up.
RUSS
(indignantly)
Oh, so, that’s how it is? You’re just
jealous I never let you and her use the...
(deepening his voice)
...Love Van.
SETH
The Love Van? Dude, you’re driving a
minivan!
RUSS
No, I’m driving the...
(deepening his voice)
...Love Van.
SETH
(simultaneously)
Whaddya mean “The Love Van”? This is a
minivan!
RUSS
(simultaneously)
The dealer--
SETH
You have room for, like, 2.3 goddamn kids
back there!
RUSS
The dealer--the dealer told me this is a
love van. I am a sex machine in the “Love
Van”!
SETH
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? How many girls have you
had in the back of this Aerostar?
RUSS
Had?
(indignantly)
I have made the acquaintance of several fine
young ladies-
SETH
Uh-huh, uh-huh, I thought so.
There’s a moment of quiet awkwardness.
RUSS
(seething)
Look, say what you want about me, just
don’t ever knock the Love Van.
(calms down)
You’re looking at this the wrong way.
You’re a free man--and tonight we’re paint
this one horse town--
SETH
(interrupting)
Los Angeles.
RUSS
Los Angeles--white with semen!!! (beat) Our
semen. (beat) Because of all the sex we’ll
be having. (beat) With girls. (beat) Not--not
each other--
SETH
(interrupting)
Shut up.
RUSS
(agreeing)
Shutting up.
INT. A HIP HOP CLUB - NIGHT
Seth and Russ, dressed like ‘80s style homeboys are trying
to keep up the gyrate with two SISTAS. A door is heard
being SMASHED open by the unmistakable sound of a battery
ram. White LAPD OFFICERS filter in, surrounding the dance
floor, GUNS drawn. The music stops.
LAPD OFFICER #1
FREEZE! THIS IS A RAID!
Seth and Russ grab each other in fear.
RUSS
Don’t shoot us, we’re Caucasian!
EST. SHOT - CLUB ECSTASY
Underneath the neon sign, written on the marquee: “NO
ECSTASY SOLD HERE.”
INT. ECSTASY CLUB - NIGHT
PEOPLE, obviously all on Ecstasy, are dancing to bad TECHNO
MUSIC. Everyone’s on x, with the skimpy outfits and the
multi-colored GLOWSTICKS. Russ has stripped to his “TIGHTY
WHITIES.” He’s in his zone, among his people. Everyone’s
lined up like on the old episodes of “Soul Train”--the
vastly superior Don Cornelius days. Down the middle,
they’ve formed a conga line with Russ leading. At the end
of the row, he turns, bringing them down, waving his two
glowsticks like an airtraffic controller.
INT. THE SPIKED CLUB - NIGHT
Seth and Russ have found their way into an S&M club. They
stand by the door, scared to venture any farther. Inside, a
scantily clad TORTURE MISTRESS whips a NAUGHTY GIRL-chained
and on all fours--over her bare ass with an exotic
WHIP.
TORTURE MISTRESS
Speak, my naughty BITCH!!!
SFX - LOUD WHIP
SFX - GIRL WHINING
Russ flinches; Seth holds back a tide of rising vomit. The
HOST, a lanky fellow whose leather outfit would put Dr.
Frank-n-futher to shame, approaches them.
HOST
Come on in, boys. We don’t bite...(beat)...
in any places that won’t heal.
REAR SHOT - HOST
The back of his “MAN PANTIES” has been cut out, and his ass
is hanging out in all its glory.
BACK TO SCENE
SETH
Shit--run! Run!
They frantically--practically tripping over each other-escape.
INT. CLUB HERSHEY - NIGHT
The club is filled with dancing GAY MEN. Seth and Russ are
dancing like they’ve never danced before: Seth leaps atop a
jubilant Russ’ back and begins to ride him doggie-style.
Seth abruptly dismounts and begins to look around. He
finally realizes something’s wrong.
SETH (CONT’D)
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
LANCE BRUCE, an obviously gay teenager, sees them. He’s
carrying a little TRAY of FESTIVE DRINKS.
LANCE
Hiya, fellas!
SETH
Lance Bruce, you work here?
LANCE
Yeah--got the job with my--
(whispers conspiratorally)
...fake ID! Isn’t this club just the most
fantabulous?
Seth and Russ hold each other fearfully.
RUSS
(freaking out)
Oh my God! We walked into a room full of
‘mos!
SETH
(whispering)
Calm down. We prepared for this--remember
the drills.
Huddled together, not very nonchalant, they slowly inch
towards the door. When they reach it, though no one is even
paying any attention to them:
SETH (CONT’D)
(to the gays)
None of you follow us!
INT. CLUB GRUNGE - NIGHT
TWO SHOT - SETH AND RUSS
They’re looking at each other, holding on to some railing
as MOSHERS mosh below them--like Dana Carvey and Mike Myers
in Wayne’s World.
RUSS
Are you ready?
SETH
Never more so in my life.
RUSS
(simultaneously)
MOSH PIT!
SETH
(simultaneously)
MOSH PIT!
They both release, falling backward and are caught by the
moshers and passed along.
RUSS
“I am a golden god!” Not silver! Gold!
SETH
Y’know, except for the queasiness, all the
hands on my ass--and I’m pretty sure I just
got poked with something, little worried
about that--this is the greatest time of
my life!
SFX - FART
RUSS
Oops, I just farted.
Everyone release Russ and scatter. He falls to the floor
with a THUD.
INT. SETH’S CAR - NIGHT
HADDAWAY’S “WHAT IS LOVE?” is blasting over the car stereo.
Seth and Russ, dressed like “The Butabi Brothers” from A
Night at the Roxbury, are bobbing their heads to the side
like the guys from the classic “SNL” skit and the
underappreciated movie. The song abruptly ends. AARON
CARTER’S “AARON’S PARTY” starts. Their heads stop rocking.
Russ begins fiddling with the buttons.
SETH
Sorry. I think I recorded over--
RUSS
(interrupting)
What?
SETH
This was a mixed tape--
RUSS
You make mixed-tapes?
SETH
I make retro mixed tapes--I think I
recorded over it.
RUSS
Oh. It’s nice. (beat) This’ll work too.
Russ’ head begins bobbing again. After a moment, Seth’s
does too.
INT. CLUB MISCELLANEOUS - NIGHT
No theme. No more freaks than you’d fine at any other club,
with the exception of Seth and Russ. Hands in his pockets,
Seth approaches a HOT GIRL.
SETH
Hey there.
HOT GIRL
Hi.
SETH
(smarmily)
My pants are ringing.
He jiggles his trousers.
SETH (CONT’D)
(smarmily)
It’s opportunity callin’.
HOT GIRL
Do you work here and someone’s trying to
contact me on the outside or--
SETH
(interrupting, guiltily)
Can I have your number, please? I'm
trying to pick you up--that was a pick-
up line. I'd like your number.
HOT GIRL
I don't feel like giving you my number,
and I really think I'm outta your league.
SETH
Yeah, well, you clearly came alone too,
so you must have unrealistic expectations
as to how hot you are.
HOT GIRL
That's offensive.
SETH
"That's offensive"? You're offended by
this situation?
HOT GIRL
What-ever! Just get out of here before you
get smacked.
SETH
Oh, yeah? Who ya gonna have beat me up?
Your boyfriend? Uh-oh! You clearly came
alone, so you're gonna have to be the one
who beats me up.
HOT GIRL
I guess so.
SETH
I guess so too.
She slaps him. It's an anemic slap because she's a scrawny girl, and Seth is unmoved.
SETH (CONT'D)
That did not hurt.
She slaps him again.
SETH (CONT'D)
I'm starting to think I'm dead inside--I
know, that shocks me too.
She slaps him again!
SETH (CONT'D)
You're still not hurting me--still, I'm
going to ask you to stop doing that and
am going to walk away.
Seth meets up again with Russ, who's chatting up two HOTTIES.
RUSS
...Yes, and I call it my "Love Van"--
Disgusted, they split.
RUSS (CONT'D)
(calling after them)
I'll Facebook you--are you on the
Internet?
(turns to Seth)
Hey, how's it going?
SETH
Well, a hot girl just slapped me a bunch
of times.
RUSS
Alright, but we left that one club for
that very reason.
SETH
Let's just call it a night.
EXT. PARKING LOT - EARLY MORNING
CLOSE SHOT - SETH’S OPEN TRUNK
It’s full of their various CLUBBING OUTFITS.
SETH (CONT’D)
Damn. How do you do it every night?
RUSS
That’s why the Dodgers still make caps, my
friend.
FLASHBACK
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. CLASSROOM - DAY
Half the class is wearing various styles of DODGER CAPS,
obviously sleeping--tired, hungover, whatever.
END FLASHBACK
SETH
If I'd had, would I be out here with you?
(beat) Yes, probably. I've only had sex
with that one girl, and only a small
minority of girls move that fast, not
that I'm judging those who do--so that was
outta line. You're a good friend.
RUSS
Alright, then. The secret is to meet new
people. Just don't call Lysandra. It's
like duct tape on your scrotum, you just
have to rip it off as quick as you can
and hope it's not too messy.
SETH
Why would there be--no, I'm not going to
call Lysandra--you're right about that.
INT. SETH’S HOUSE. SETH’S ROOM - MORNING
Seth’s on the phone.
SETH (CONT'D)
(into phone)
Look, I really think if we try, we can
work this out.
INT. LYSANDRA’S HOUSE. LYSANDRA’S ROOM - MORNING
Lysandra’s cutting up a pair
of jeans, stabbing the crotch
with a pair of SCISSORS.
SETH (CONT’D, V.O.)
(over answering machine)
I mean, I know you’re a rational person.
She finally figures “screw the scissors” and begins to tear
it down the middle.
SETH (CONT’D, V.O.)
(over answer machine)
Remember our song? (beat)
(singing)
“Some people stand in the darkness/Afraid
to step into the light/Some people need to
help somebody/When the edge of surrender is
in sight/Don’t you worry, it’s going to be
all right/’Cause I’m always there/I won’t
let you out of my sight...”
INT. LAX. TERMINAL - NIGHT
PASSENGERS are getting off a flight from Russia. Anna is
one of them, carrying a large SUITCASE. She walks up to
Seth.
SETH
Hey, Anna. How’s my best girl-guyfriend?
ANNA
I really wish you’d stop calling me that.
SETH
Yeah, I wish for a lot of things. So how
was Russia?
ANNA
Cold and humiliating. It was Russia. Our
greatest heroes are dictators and
writers who kill off their characters in
the end.
She hands him her suitcase.
SETH
(not listening)
Great--you know I broke up with Lysandra?
ANNA
I got stuck to a toilet--I was frozen on
the seat for, like, three hours.
SETH
Ten years together.
ANNA
They placed space heaters around my ass. My
pubes were singed off.
SETH
More than half my life.
ANNA
You can probably now find pictures of it on