Cedric shook his head.
“As you wish.”
*
“President Holcomb of the planet earth?”
“Who’s asking?” said the former president while lying on his cot looking up at the ceiling.
“A member of an interested party. Someone that might be able to help you if you were willing to help us.”
Holcomb sat up and turned toward the stranger. A small naked man with a thick black moustache stood outside the cell holding a briefcase. “My name is Harry Bladder. I’m a rule interpreter, what you would consider to be a lawyer back on your planet. I’m employed by the planet’s energy department. I think the two of us can work something out to get you out of there.”
“You’ve got my attention, Mr. Bladder.”
“King Donald Johnson has been in control of tiny earth for nearly forty years, like a dictator. Our people actually elect our king much like you earthlings in the United States of America elect a president, with everyone having an equal say in the matter. A vote.”
“Yes. Many people back on earth truly appreciate that idea.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“It’s complicated. Continue with the part about getting me out of here.”
“I represent a small group that would like you to use your experience in leadership to run for president of tiny earth. No one has run ever against the king except for once, and that man disappeared from the face of the planet. We’ve watched footage of you in action, President Holcomb. Very impressive stuff. You’re an expert at slinging mud, brutalizing your opponents until their reputations are so sullied that they couldn’t get a job shoveling up after a cadoobra.”
“I do have a way with words. Wouldn’t I meet the same fate as the man that disappeared?”
“No. When Abbot Fielding decided to run, he was a simple honest man, and no one even knew that he was running before he was gone. He filed the necessary paperwork at our Hall of Laws and then he disappeared before he ever even got a chance to give a speech. We’ll make sure the public knows of you before the king has time to act.”
“And in return?”
“Once you are in power, perhaps you can remember who helped put you there. Maybe even do us a favor here and there.”
“I think that it would be the fair thing to do. I believe in friends sticking together. Do whatever is necessary to get me out of here.”
*
“What did you do, Nick, you idiot? You crashed right into me!” Travolta angrily brushed dirt from his hair.
“I told you that I was going with you, John.”
“Tom did not ask for your help. The last time you came to help us you blew up one of the smartest men on the planet. Tom was like, ahhhh! Cage just blew up the scientist! Tom’s not happy with you right now.”
“I thought that the old guy was a bad guy.”
“He was ninety three years old. Who could he hurt? We had gone to rescue him.”
“I was confused. I made a mistake, Okay? Anyone can make a mistake. But it is divine, John, to forgive. Divine,” he said the word stretching it out. “D-I-V-I-N-E. Think about that, John.”
“Tom’s still mad. He’s not going to be happy about you being here.”
“You two both have got to get over yourselves. You both think you’re the only top dogs. Well, there are other top dogs out there. Not just you two, okay?”
“I’m not having that discussion with you again, about the top dogs. You’re here now. We’re just going to have to deal with it.” Travolta started to get up but fell back down. He tried again but fell again. “Can you get off me? You’re all tangled up on me.” They both twisted around for a minute before Travolta stopped squirming. “What did you do, Nick?”
*
“Cedric!” the king yelled from his throne. “Cedric! Cedric! Cedric!”
Cedric came into the room, out of breath.
“Where is it that you go all of the time, Cedric? What could you possibly have to do that’s so important? I never know where you are.”
“I’m right here, Your Excellency.”
“Now you’re here but where were you?”
“Right here. I was right here, Your Excellency.”
“You were not here, Cedric. Don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not.” Cedric looked at the floor and pouted.
“Oh, Cedric, who could be mad at you? You’re so cute. You’re a little cross-eyed cutie with a bald spot.”
“Yes, Your Excellency.”
“Cedric, look at me.”
“Yes, Your Excellency.” Cedric stared at King Johnson.
“You still don’t see it, Cedric?” He ran his hands across his body. “I don’t know how it’s happening but I think I’m reverse aging, Cedric. I seriously feel like I’m getting younger.”
“Yes, Your Excellency,” said Cedric, not sounding convinced.
“You seriously still don’t see it, Cedric?”
“I’m sorry, Your Excellency.”
“Forget it, Cedric. You’re a halfwit.” The king reached over and grabbed some grapes. “I’ve decided what I’d like to do with our guests.”
“Yes, Your Excellency.”
“I’m going to feed them all to the hoogre.” He popped a couple of grapes into his mouth and chomped down on them so that juice sprayed from the corners of his mouth. “The hoogre hasn’t had a good meal like that in a long time.”
“I’m afraid you can’t do that, Your Excellency.”
“What? Why can’t I?”
“Because the earthlings were here to arrange a treaty. It is against our laws to kill diplomats.”
“Uhhh! You’re ruining my day, Cedric! You just love to ruin my day!”
“I’m not trying to ruin your day, Your Excellency. We have laws and I am your advisor. I have to advise you to take the law into account. If you didn’t follow the laws it wouldn’t be long before the people didn’t follow the laws either and we’d have a revolution.”
“I hate laws! I just hate them. They’re so inconvenient.”
“They are inconvenient, Your Excellency.”
“Well, what can I do with them, Cedric?”
“You could have them sent back to earth and then crush their heads in with our gravity machine as soon as they reached the surface of the planet.”
“Yes, Cedric. Do that. Why didn’t you just suggest that in the first place before you rained all over my day with your bad news?”
“I’m sorry, Your Excellency. I’ll arrange their departure right away.”
*
“Mr. President, wake up.”
“Stop, Gentlebird. I told you that I won’t do that.” The president’s eyes were still closed as he smacked Maynard’s arm away from his back.
“It’s me, Mr. President.”Maynard shook him gently and the president opened his eyes.
“You’ve got to be kidding me. It wasn’t a horrible nightmare? We really are stuck on a tiny planet?”
“I’m sorry, Mr. President, but those are the facts.”
“How did you get in my cell?”
“I woke up and the doors were open. And there was a small pile of women’s clothing at the foot of my cot.”
The president thought for a moment. “Luigi. It must’ve been. That clever rascal.”
The two men picked out some of the clothes and disguised themselves. Maynard studied the president.
“What, Maynard? What is it? The wig on wrong?”
“No. That’s not it, Mr. President.”
“Then what is it?”
“You um…look-”
“What?”
“You look really good. You make a really attractive woman, Mr. President.” Maynard combed his fingers through his wig. “How do I look?” Maynard was a hideous woman.
“I think you might pass,” said the president, and Maynard looked rejected. “Listen, Maynard. We’ve got to get out of here and find weapons of some sort.”
“What exactly do you think I c
ould improve, Mr. President?”
“Huh?”
“Do you think it would help if I reapplied my makeup?”
“I’m not talking beauty tips with you, Maynard. You’re fine the way you are. Let’s get out of here.”
“I think that maybe you got the better outfit. It goes better with your eyes. Mine doesn’t really match my tones. Plus you’ve got the scarf to accessorize with.”
“Maynard, enough. People are just born different. It’s something we all must come to accept. Now stop comparing yourself to me.” The president leaned out of the cell and looked both ways. He felt something tugging on his shoulder. “Maynard, are you trying to steal my scarf?”
*
“Your Excellency?”
“Yes, Cedric,” said King Donald from his throne where he sat reading an enormous dusty book titled TINY EARTH LAW.
“I’m afraid that I’ve got bad news again.”
King Donald slammed the book shut creating a pop so loud that it made Cedric jump. “What is it, Cedric?”
“Somehow the particle relocator got screwed up. And Tom Cruise has gone missing from the room.”
“Gone missing? What does that mean? It sounds like someone misplaced him. A hat goes missing! People escape. Did he escape?”
“I think he kind of, might have.”
“Cedric!”
“I don’t know how he escaped but he did. And he did something to the particle relocator. It’s broken and we can’t send the earthlings home until it is repaired.”
“Oh, Cedric!” he said, throwing his arms up in disgust. “How long until it is repaired?”
“The master technician said that it could be months.”
“Months!”
“There is more bad news.”
“Cedric, you’re going to kill me with all of your continual bad news.”
“Harry Bladder paid me a visit.”
“The law bender?”
“Yeah. He said that once visitors have stayed on the planet longer than seventy two hours, and we know that they’ll be on the planet for at least another seventy two hours, we have to give them all of the same rights as the other inhabitants of our planet.”
“That doesn’t make any sense! They tried to destroy the planet and kill all of us!”
“It’s the law. You can’t keep them locked up.”
“This is insane! More crazy laws! Oooh!” The king stood up and wrung his hands together. “I’d love to get my hands around the neck of that law bender!”
“He’s just interpreting the law books and using the laws that are in place. I’m sorry, Your Excellency.”
“I don’t care about the damn diplomacy laws! And find Tom Cruise! Get some men on it now!”
“Yes, Your Excellency.” Cedric started to walk out of the room, but then he turned back. “Your Excellency?”
“What, Cedric?”
“You asked me before if you looked any different to me.”
“Yes.”
“Well, you do now. You’ve gotten shorter.” Cedric walked out as the king turned and studied himself in the mirror.
*
“Oh, Madeline. Come here, little lady.”
The cow turned and saw Holcomb and started to run away. Holcomb chased after her with the language translation headphones. “Wait, Madeline. You don’t understand. I’m not here to eat you. I want to make a deal with you. Wait, Madeline! Stop!” He put one set of headphones on while he ran and when he caught up to the cow he plopped the other set on her head. “Just listen! Listen for a second!”
Madeline was frightened but eventually Holcomb managed to convince her to hear him out.
*
“Louie,” the guard addressed Luigi, “most of the men have been talking and we’ve decided that we have much respect for you. Thomas would like to step down and we’d like you to accept the position as head of the king’s guards.” Thomas nodded and so did the other men.
“Thank you, Daniel. I am honored.”
The men stood in a circle dressed in their guard uniforms that consisted of boots, a helmet, a shield, and a leather strap which held their sword. Luigi was compelled to ask the other men why they didn’t request some type of cover for the more vulnerable parts of their anatomy but realized that it was best not to draw undo attention to his foreign way of thinking.
“There is something else, Louie. More than half of the king’s men are here right now in this room. The others we didn’t ask to come. It was intentional. Please do not see us as treacherous beings for what we’re about to tell you.”
“I could never see you men that way.”
“Listen to what I have to tell you before you say that, Louie. You may change your mind. And if you did, we’d understand but we couldn’t let you leave this room knowing what you will know. The men in this room think it may be time for a battle. A battle to end King Johnson’s rule.”
*
“Look what you caused, Nick! You idiot!” They managed to stand. John Travolta and Nicholas Cage were connected down the middle, Siamese twins, except that they had three legs, sharing one extremely thick leg in the middle that had an enormous foot, as well. “How are we going to get anything done like this?”
“Look at our middle leg. It’s gigantic! Look at our foot, John.” It bounced around underneath them lifting them up and down.
“Are you doing that, Nick?”
“Yeah. The middle leg is super powerful. It’s like a big…thunderfoot. That’s what we’ll call it. I like it. The Thunderfoot!”
“This mission’s over. We’ve left Tom hanging. We can’t save him like this,” said John, and he sighed.
“No. This mission just got good. We’ve just got to get used to the Thunderfoot. This morphing together was an unforeseen complication, John, but we specialize in those. We’re just going to have to work together. Watch me. I’ll throw my foot forward and then you follow with your foot.”
“Wait!”
Cage took a step, putting them off balance, and they landed on the ground with a heavy thump.
“I said, wait, Nick! Did you not hear me say wait? We need to step with our outside feet and then follow with the Thunderfoot.”
“We can make this work, John.”They seesawed back and forth until they got to their feet again. This time they coordinated their first step and followed with the big middle leg. They didn’t fall. They looked at each other and started laughing. They reached across their new body and high fived each other.
“I think we might be able to do this, Nick.”
“No. I’m not Nick anymore and you’re not John. We are one now, and we’ll need a suitable name. Like…Nickvolta. Yes. That’s it. Look out, because here comes Nickvolta!”
“Or maybe we could be Joncage,” said John as they hobbled along heavily.
“Wait until Tom sees us. It’s like if Spiderman and the Hulk got blended together into one massive superhero,” said Nick, excitedly.
“Which one of us would be Spiderman and which would be the Hulk?”
“No. That’s not what I mean,” Nick tried to explain his analogy, as they galumphed down the terrain.
*
President Pierce and Secretary Maynard slid along the edge of a building getting ready to mix in with the population.
“Be careful with your dress sliding up against the building, Mr. President. You’d hate to a get a beautiful pattern like that all dusty.”
“Be quiet, Maynard.” The president leaned out from the corner and studied the crowd. “You see that small group of women over there talking? The women in sanitation jumpsuits?”
Maynard leaned past the president and looked at them.”In the orange. I see them. Are we going to go over there and snap their necks when no one is looking?”
“Why would we snap their necks, Maynard? What good is that going to do us? We’re going to practice fitting in, Maynard. We’re going to mingle. Get used to acting like the women on this planet so that we can get to the king without be
ing detected.”
“Right. That sounds good. A good idea.” Maynard smoothed his dress with his hands. “Do I look okay? I’d really like to make a good impression. Do my lips look pouty? I hope they’ll like me. I used a little pouty passion lip gloss on my lips. Do you think those women will like me? That was really considerate of Luigi to leave us such nice makeup. He really is a thoughtful man. Do I look okay?”
“Maynard! Get it together! You’re babbling.”
“You don’t have to yell at me, Mr. President. I’m a little nervous.”
“Let’s go.”
“Wait. What do I tell them if one of them asks my name?”
“Tell’em a girl’s name.”
“What girl’s name?”
“Any. I’m going to be Susan. You be whoever you want.”
“Okay, Mr. President.”
“Don’t call me Mr. President in front of them.”
“Right, Susan.”
They walked around the corner. The president was graceful but Maynard had trouble navigating in his heels, turning an ankle and quickly popping back up just long enough to turn the other ankle. They approached the small circle of women who stopped talking and stared at them. There was an awkward silence for a moment.
“Cleaning up a little?” the president smiled and brushed his hair back. He noticed the way the women were looking at him and changed his approach. “I hate cleaning. It’s so stupid. Everything just gets dirty again. I used to have that job. It’s a total drag.”
Most of the women nodded.
“We get stuck with the same detail month after month. Clean up. Why can’t we do maintenance once in a while? Maybe do some painting.”
Maynard stepped forward. “Yeah, totally stupid. We should just throw the trash back on the ground and refuse to do anything about it until the king meets some of our demands.”
Several girls looked at Maynard and rolled their eyes with disgust. A couple even made gag noises with their throats which made the rest of the group giggle. The women looked at the president and he stepped back out of Maynard’s view sneakily and pointed at him and rolled his eyes around comically. The women giggled some more.