The economy seemed to still not be going very well, the political situation was delicate. What was happening? Not only their family, but everyone seemed to be afraid of something those days, angry at something those days. The whole city of light thing had disappeared.
Eric sometimes caught himself thinking if all of that was his fault. If they were blaming him for things not happening in Paris like they had dreamed. If they were actually avoiding him. If things would just get better if he just disappeared somehow, again. If he just ceased to exist. He lost days with those dark thoughts on the back of his mind, wandering around Paris, trying to avoid being recognized.
But no... Life was happening, crashing their mistakes and their flaws against their faces, against the floor. Yeah, life. What a bitch, hun?
He wanted to go back in time, before the festival, where the future seemed so bright, so naively glorious and easy. They were there, together. A family. They were truly happy for a second in time, no? They had an amazing home. Now everyone seemed to be avoiding that apartment for their lives. Eric was pretty aware he was one of the worst of them.
Yes, they were truly happy for a second in time. Once in his life Eric was truly happy. Now he was scared shitless that maybe that moment was gone forever. That he would have to go back to the darkness and pain he had as life before.
He had gotten better because he had felt connected to people. Connected to his family. He had felt like he could be happy, like they were there for him and that he could be there for them. That he was able to be good to Marie, he was able to love her, and that they could have fun. That he could be excited about life again.
All of that was fading away. And now his blood had started to hurt again.
If no one did anything, they wouldn't make a second festival, and their family would vanish as the time would pass by.
Mike would have to deal with those debts for twenty years, and God knows that he didn't deserve it. Their band would stop existing for good. Jan would think no one in Paris cared about him - after all, he had come to Paris to help and have never ever gotten anything out of it, only problems. He would still be in the middle of a mess, even being the amazing guitar player he was – That would be just a waste of pure talent.
Isadora and Gustavo would stay in the middle of that storm and would get even more distant from him, until Gustavo would finally move to the States (Probably in less than a year now)
Alice, Marie and Tom would become ghosts from his past. His parents would be stuck on their company, without being able to retire for years to come. And Eric...Eric would float, or get completely stuck to the ground, define it as you want.
Their Paris would cease to exist.
No, whatever it was, Eric had to do something. He just had no idea what.
He tried to do the same thing he had tried once, like six years before, when he got his guitar and found his partners, thinking “You start something and the universe helps you.”
Once again he got his guitar: not to train, as he was doing in the past months, but to actually create something. Something that could change his life again. Bring them together again. Something that would be able to tell the things to his friends and family that he was not being able to tell by himself. Something that would explain to Marie how much he loved her and how much he was feeling like a failure for not being better to her.
Just something.
He was just seating in the studio and trying to create something. Every day, because it was all he knew how to do.
And God... it sucked.
It actually seemed it was getting worse as the weeks passed by. Any of his students would have humiliated him and he felt like shit for that.
I mean, he was Eric Meirelles. Fucking Eric Meirelles.
But not in that room. At least not alone.
If any of the guys from his band would had gotten together with him, they could've made some music together. Alone, he was nothing. He had no talent. He kept thinking about how he didn't deserve being in that band, being considered a musician, touring around the world. He was a failure, it has always been because of Mike, and now, without him, they were done. It was over, he just needed to face it.
More weeks went by and nothing looked like it was going to change: Eric had no idea how all of that would influence in his life. But truth to be told, it was the only thing he could've made, because it was indeed the only thing that he knew how to do... So he kept going, with the obsession that somehow, in the right time, all of that would be able to fix things, if he could just keep going...
He kept suffering at the gym and in that studio, day after day, even though things were only feeling to get worse.
It was not enough, though: Eric finally got tired of being alone and desperate to stop all of them from vanishing from his life.
He decided he had to do something: get them all together on good terms, no matter how hard it would be. He would try to go out with everyone... Or whoever he could convince on going out with him, which in most of the cases, it was only Jan, probably out of pity at that point. Everyone else was busy, or tired, working, had better plans. Or would just not answer him.
- Hey man, are you okay these days? - Jan
- I don't know...
Nobody said a word. They had been there for a while and things were not looking that promising.
- What about you? - Eric
- I'm ok...
Silence. Eric finally started talking again:
- Hey, I'm sorry dude. I know your life hasn't been great at the moment, and I don't wanna give you more to worry about. I just wanted to talk...
- Nah, relax, man
- No, I mean it. I've been looking for a better job for you again man. I know it's been harsh... You came here to help, and it seems like no one is helping you ...It's just cuz...I never thought we'd still be here, you know?
Jan agreed, but started to smile and said:
- Its ok bro...I'm improving my French, I have some nice French girls to keep me warm at night... – Jan smirked – It's ok. I know that... I'm sorry your stay in Paris hasn’t been that nice lately... Besides, I can take care of myself, bro, you don't have to worry about me. It's not your responsibility...
- Yeah...No, I know, but I do. I mean, we do... And - He sighed - Oh well, I guess I always knew someday I'd have to deal with all of that...
- And how's that going for you?
- It sucks really bad.... I still get hate over the internet, some bad looks from time to time. There's always a curious kid asking about it... I hate it.
- Not the way you wanted to be famous, Hun?
- Not at all. I hate this shit. I don't like being recognized. When we were a band it was so much nicer...and I was never that famous anyways... I liked it better. Way better...
Jan agreed with his head and asked:
- So what about the band? You think it is over?
Eric shrugged his shoulders
- Jack and Liam are both making gigs with other bands...separate bands, by the way. Mike...is completely fucked, right? And... Me... I guess I just can't leave Paris right now. I have nowhere else to go…
- Shame...
- Yeah...
They kept eating
- The worst part is that everyone is just growing apart man. Not even six months ago
we were inseparable... - Eric
- Yeah, this sucky winter is not helping either, Hun
- Yeah...but hey, at least is not a Canadian one. – Eric smiled
- I know, Tom told me about that once.
- I know...I was there once during their winter...
- In Montreal, with Tom?
-Yeah...Holy shit man, it was like... minus twenty degrees and Tom telling me that sometimes it would get even colder than that...
- Fuck, that's just insane... And I'm German, dude.
- I knoow...
A while after into the conversation, where they were actually starting to have some fun:
- Hey man, it's been a while I’m trying to write some new songs. I have some demos that I could definitely use some help with... Do you mind giving me a hand with that one of these days?
Jan smiled
- That'd be awesome, man...For sure. Only thing is I have to check my work schedule. I’ve been working like fifty or sixty hours a week to be able to save some money...
- Wow...Ok, yeah, sure
- But cool, man. Nice to know you're playing, and thanks for asking...
-Yeah, you're welcome....It's not like I have that much to do these days, you know...
Jan nodded
- And... How are things going with Marie?
- Ahh...I barely see her these days. She ended up moving back to her family's place last week and I felt like shit about it...- He sighed - Buuut the atmosphere in our place hasn't being the best lately...Her family probably didn’t want to see her name involved with mine at the moment...And I totally understand that, actually...
…. I don’t know, bro...I'm losing her. And honestly, I don’t know how to stop it... So much shit I should've told her... and every time I try, things seem to get worse. Every time I try to talk, it seems like we get into an argument, or at least mad or hurt at each other... I don’t know, maybe Marie deserves someone better, you know. Someone like Tom, who always says what has to be said. Someone who had never been a jerk to her...
- Oh come on, you don't really mean that, Eric
He shrugged his shoulders again.
- Maybe I do. Maybe they would be happier. I'll never be as good as a friend as Tom is for her. You know that... - He paused - I was never jealous of them both together, it’s not that... I just think...maybe it would be for the best. And I don`t say that in a depressed or jealous way…
…. I don't know, maybe its…Also because I’m just not right for someone with a stronger name than mine, with all the pressure she faces because of that. People think is freaking awesome and easy to date someone from a family like that. And in the beginning I actually thought it could be cool. But it's not. It's not at all...
And fuck, man...she tried so hard to be by my side, you know. I think I just screwed things up, again... and again, and again....
- So you're just gonna give up on her?
- I don't know...what if I should? - Eric realized how similar that talk felt like the one he had in Montreal with Tom, months and months before.
- Eriic...I get it, ok? But first of all, you need to know what you wanna do. Do you wanna stay with her or not? If you don't decide, life will happen and leave you behind... Let me tell you something you already know: When you don't fight for the things you want in life, you don't get them. That is for sure. And it doesn't matter how awesome as a couple you guys are, or how everyone around you guys knows that you guys belong together and wish you a happy ending with cute kids... if you guys don't fight for it, nothing else matters dude.... and if you don't start dealing with the things you need to tell people, you are never going to be happy, not with her, not with anyone else, ok? You want someone to share your life, dude. Share your life... Have you ever thought about what it truly means? You can`t do that keeping eighty percent of your shit to yourself...You're being lectured about feelings by a German guy, bro. Think about it....- They both smiled
Eric sighed and went silent, so Jan kept going.
- I know times have been hard and that people are not handling all of that in the best possible way. I’ve been hanging out with you guys separately for weeks now, just because you guys are feeling completely uncomfortable around each other for x, y, or z reasons... All of them bullshit in my humble opinion as a poor bartender...
Silence.
- Eric, why are you here with me while you could be with Marie? Or with your siblings?
- Because it seems like they don't wanna be around me, or each other for all that matters… But I know...- He sighed – It's a good question, dude – Eric had a very sad grim -... I guess you're right
- Let's go, dude. You're gonna call your girlfriend and arrange a dinner tonight...and you will give me a ride home because I am suuch a good friend – Jan smiled
Eric laughed back, but it was a nervous laugh. It had been days and days he hadn't even spoke to Marie, he had no idea how that call would be.
- Alright...fair enough.
- Really? Awesome! So I can call a girl to pass by my place... yeey
- Haha... yeah, don’t worry. Let me get this – the check – and call Marie, I'll be back in a second.
- I love you man
-Yeah, yeah I know you do...
He paid the bill and went outside, and in front of that pub, by himself, he grabbed his phone and tried to call Marie. He dialed. It Rang. Rang. Rang. Again... And then he was losing his hope.
She didn't pick it up. He took a deep breath, tried to sum all his strength, counted to ten and tried once again.
“Maybe she just doesn’t wanna talk to me”
- Hey, Eric, what’s up? - Marie
- Hey Marie...Ahn, not much... I was just wondering – Paused – You know, maybe you could join me for dinner tonight? - He felt stupid in the second he asked that.
Silence
- Hmmm...Tonight? - Pause - I don't know Eric... It’s kinda late for me actually. I have to wake up pretty early tomorrow. Besides, I already ate something...
- Hun... What about a second dinner? Or maybe just some dessert? - Eric tried to sound excited and funny.
- Hmm...I don't know, Eric. Do you mind if we leave it to another night?
Silence. He looked around and basically hit his own forehead – He wouldn't be able to do it.
- Hmmm...Marie... - he closed his eyes, and kind of spilled the next word, with all the strength he had on him - ...please? I really need to see you.
-....Hmm... Can you give me thirty minutes at least?
- … Sure – Eric smiled and relaxed a bit – I'll pick you up in ...like, forty five minutes?
- … Perfect. See you soon.
He took her to a really nice restaurant which had a gorgeous view of Paris.
They were able to get a table with an exceptional view of the city, as the restaurant was basically empty at that time.
As soon as they sat down, Marie smiled to him and said:
- Thank you, that's nice …- She smiled again - So, what made you ask me out to dinner so suddenly?
- Hey, I missed you...
- Well, here I am, dude – She smiled
“Bro, man, dude” it had been forever since “baby, ho
ney, sweetie”. Right? Or was he being paranoid?
-...So what's up Eric?
- Ahn, you know. I've been pretty busy these days, trying to work out with Tom, practicing guitar, you know...
Marie smiled once again.
- Cool … aand how's that going?
- Well, my body is in pain almost all of the time now and it's been hard to evolve on the guitar. In everything, actually.
- I see...
- What about you? How are you doing these days?
She didn't answer right away.
- ...Hmm...Well, besides my work at school, I’ve been practicing a lot by myself, sometimes teaching privately, and... Oh yeah, I started to have some more classes with my teacher...
-...Awesome – Eric smiled – I can't imagine how you're finding time to do it all
- Hun...Well, I try
Silence
- And how’s everyone?
- I'm not sure about anyone else to be honest...
- Hmm How come? - She showed some new weird interested in the subject
- I don't know, it has been weird, right?
- Hmm...
He sighed. He tried to find his words.
- ...That's why I wanted to see you. I'm feeling like... we are all kinda drifting apart. And I just can't sit back and not do anything about it anymore... And I know I've been...the worst about it all...but... Yeah.
Marie didn’t say anything, but she didn't have a very promising facial expression.
- Marie...?
- I don’t know what to tell you, Eric... I really don't.
They both went silent.
Eric was not feeling so hot: Again that night she had sounded a bit rude and short to him, but that sentence in special seemed to have been intentionally rude.