choose “Forms and Applications” from the dropdown box, scroll to the bottom of the resulting page, tap the link in small print “Tell Me More” – [[ IOException ]] [[ Data feed dropped ]] – Helloooooo out there fellow headbangers of the Bunker! I'm Kraken, and this pirate message is being brought to you straight from the den of Purple Nurple! Let me guess: you love causing mayhem and destruction. You'd love to see the entire Bunker come crashing down in a heap of smoke and twisted metal girders! And the thought of dying a painful death of asphyxiation as the vacuum of space rushes in gives you a deep, exhilarating thrill. Well, you're in luck! Purple Nurple will be holding a rare recruitment drive at the Oliver L. North Plaza G-8 sector in exactly four hourstretches. Come on down! You'll know how to find us. Just follow the screams... Kraken out! – [[ Data feed restored ]] – double tap the folder icon, and flip to the fourth page, where you must log in once again. It's that simple! All citizens are invited to participate.
ROAD RAGE SEMINAR OPENS TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC! Starting tomorrow, commuting professors will fan out throughout the Bunker, offering free and mandatory refresher courses on proper behavior while behind the joystick. As you well know, road rage has become a pressing social problem in the Bunker's corridors as well as the transtube. Yes, it is only natural to be frustrated when pedestrians keep walking across the zebra crossing and there's no opportunity for you to pass. Yes, it is understandable to want to ram the autopod that just stole your parking space or wantonly cut in front of you. But it is certainly not lawful to give in to sudden flashes of anger, however intense they may be. Anyone licensed to operate a movepod – including the owners of steppods and scooters – must pass the examination within one weekstretch or be grounded indefinitely. No exceptions will be made. Thank you for your cooperation.
HORRID ODOR INVADES PUBLIC SPACES! An awful stench has made its presence felt in the Oliver L. North Plaza G-8 sector. The source of the troublesome smell is as yet unknown, but experts will doubtlessly have it eliminated shortly. Although completely benign, citizens are encouraged to avoid the area at all costs. Anyone with urgent business at the Oliver L. North Plaza is asked to report to one of the mobile checkpoints set up at the plaza's four entrances. There, heavily armed but neighborly guardians from Defense will help you through the registration process. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Crooke's Autopod Repair Shop. We're as trustworthy as they come.
DEAR EDITOR, During my shift at the foundry this morning, I got a nosebleed. My team was behind on our quota, so instead of running off to the clinic I decided to stay on. My supervisor told me about a home remedy her mother taught her. So I did what she said: I held cold packs to my scrotum and raised my arms above my head. Not only did the bleeding get worse, but now I can't feel when I have to pee! Thing is, our quota was just extended because of some kind of emergency, and we've all been automatically recruited for voluntary overtime! Should I leave my team for the clinic or risk urinating in my jumpsuit? Patriotically yours, Albert Frumm R-17 sector.
DEAR ALBERT, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
HARMIN LUCKSTONE DANCING WITH TRAITORS! We know him from such captivating films as The Spy Who Terminated Me, From G Sector With Love, and Loyaltymember. Harmin Luckstone's characters are happy, peppy, and fun in the face of adversity and certain death. “You're powered up! Your terminating!” Over the yearstretches, this infamous battle cry has been etched in our adoring hearts. Now Harmin Luckstone – that fearless hero! – is taking patriotism to the next level. With the upcoming release of his first and most certainly groundbreaking documentary, Dancing With Traitors, Harmin Luckstone has definitively proven that what he can accomplish on-screen is just as masterfully replicated off. In this magnum opus of undercover reporting, Harmin Luckstone infiltrates a lair of hardboiled terrorists and personally reveals the sordid details of their criminal degeneracy. Milfred Roth – in association with Adjunct Entertainment (TM), a private firm associated with the Human Resources conglomerate – is unflinchingly enthusiastic about the new project. In his own words: “Harmin Luckstone is the Bunker's proverbial arm of vengeance. After much prodding and constant appeals to his patriotism, the man has finally decided to bring his fearsome (but family-oriented) capacity for violence and seduction to bear on the traitors and ripe women of the real world! In fact, there are rumors that his feature films have all been documentaries... What's that? No, I cannot comment any further. This interview is over!”
And now a word from our sponsors!
Everyone's heard about The Good Neighborhood Runner, Harmin Luckstone's latest spy-action film. Laced with a tantalizing panoply of comic riposte and erotic interlude, it is sure to leave you clinging to the edge of your seat! The Good Neighborhood Runner. We all have one, of course. Vigilant custodians of the sanctity of our barracks, dormitories, and residential complexes, they pop in on us unasked from time to time to take a quick look around. These are good-natured folk whose task is to ensure that Control's guidelines are being followed to the letter, even in our bunks and cleaning stations. We can share a joke with them, a bit of gossip perhaps, because they're our friends! But what happens when the citizen we rely on to safeguard the peace and security of our homes is himself tempted by the wily ways of the evil terrorist? How many teeth will be pulled out and genitals subjected to electrocution? How many beautiful youths must be held down, tied up, and ravaged? The Good Neighborhood Runner. You'll never take the peace and quiet of home for granted again.
HARMIN LUCKSTONE FILM CREW ARRESTED! A Search and Extraction Team descended upon Adjunct Entertainment's (TM) studios in T-2 sector several daystretches ago and arrested vidstar and Beta clearance citizen Harmin Luckston's entire film crew in one fell swoop. Homeland Security has since indicated that the charges are fraternizing with the enemy. The management team of Adjunct Entertainment (TM) was unavailable for comment, and in the hourstretches after the arrests the private firm was mysteriously unincorporated. It is doubtful we will ever understand how so many traitors could have labored for so long in plain view of so many loyal people. At least we can rest assured that our corridors are finally safe from their devious machinations.
HARMIN LUCKSTONE FEATURE DELAYED! Delta clearance citizen Marsha Wong, event coordinator at Human Resource's Public Diplomacy division and confirmed patrioloyalot, has used her vetting authority to delay the release of Harmin Luckstone's newest feature film, The Good Neighborhood Runner. No reason has been given. Thought leader and Delta clearance citizen Hillary Binzer was seen leaving Marsha's offices not long before the announcement. Any seeming connection between this delay and the recent box-office flop of its predecessor, Control We Have A Problem, is pure speculation and cannot be corroborated by the facts.
DEAR EDITOR, It runs against all logic that The Good Neighborhood Runner has been pulled from the screen before it even got there. The infomercials have been communicating to us for weekstretches that its release was – like the current Terrorism Alert Level – Unavoidable. Harmin Luckstone's movies are greatly appreciated by everyone. We cybots certainly enjoy seeing the blood and entrails and other sticky things that come out of human beings when they are opened up unexpectedly. A search of available records does not reveal a backup release date. Cybots are incapable of feeling emotion, and I do not wish to invite the appearance of conveying falsehoods. I am merely concerned about propriety and a smooth, orderly unfolding of highly informative events. Deleteriously yours, Cybot 0x91EE07A6.
DEAR CYBOT 0X91EE07A6, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks
for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
TERRORISTS FABRICATE ALLEGED BLACKOUTS IN N SECTOR! Treasonous elements have launched yet another cowardly assault on the Bunker. This time, they are spreading despicable, virulent rumors of imagined power failures in N sector. If you believe the cooked-up feeds being spread on X.net, citizens are dying in droves of asphyxiation, dehydration, and hypothermia. Naturally, nothing could be further from the truth. N sector is perfectly fine, as is everyone inside of it. These pathetic attempts to undermine our collective morale were doomed to failure from the start. Citizens, if you receive any links to these illegal and poorly made feeds or suspect anyone you know of trafficking in them, report the incident immediately to your Homeland Security neighborhood substation. Thank you for your